Thursday, May 30, 2013

Blind Date by Frances Fyfield






Title: Blind Date
Author: Frances Fyfield
Publisher: Penguin
Rating: worthy

Frances Fyfield is from my own home county of Derbyshire in England, and this is my own signed hardback copy! How cool is that! How many author's signatures do you have on your Nook screen?! lol!

So, too cool, but if only I could be sure I'll like it! So, a blind date with Blind Date! I have to confess that I found this novel almost impossible to get into for the first thirty or forty pages, then it all started settling down. I’d advise a re-write of those first pages were I Fyfield's editor. At one point she's in first person, then loses that for third person. Very little of what she wrote in those pages made very much sense to me; then it’s like someone else took over and the novel was fine.

The story features Elisabeth, a young woman who got drunk one night and tripped over while walking home, and while she was lying there half asleep, some psycho who had been stalking people prior to this, threw acid onto her. Fortunately, she was laying in such a way that her face was largely protected, but her body was severely burned, her skin even dissolved in several places, and her surgery to correct this hasn't exactly been stealthy. I can empathize with Elisabeth a little, having accidentally knocked scalding hot water onto my back when I was very young, but mine is hardly a scar which stands out in public. It does lend a whole nude meaning to "keep your shirt on" though!

We join Elisabeth staying with her mother in Devon at her boarding house. She hates it there, her only comfort being her 12 year old brother (whom I suspect of being the acid thrower, warped wretch that I am, but there is another potential suspect revealed later, so maybe I am as warped as I claim!). Even though she isn't completely recovered from her trauma, Elisabeth prevails upon her friend Patsy (shades of Absolutely Fabulous!) to return her to London. Patsy is something of a fair-weather friend of Elisabeth's, resenting her neediness now that she's injured.

Back in London, Elisabeth moves back into her bell tower. She lives in the bell tower of an old church, one which is largely disused, so the bells haven't rung in years. She wakes up in the night to discover someone else is staying there - a large, gentle young man who was occupying the place during her absence, doing some work around the church. After her initial fear that he was an intruder, they reconcile their positions and he plans on leaving the very next day. She fails to recall that he is the same guy, Joe, who she saw hanging around during one of her hospital visits in Devon....

In addition to Elisabeth, we’re introduced to a small group of young professional women, of which Patsy is one, Hazel another, and Angela the third. They're in relationship doldrums and decide to join an introductory dating service to find a decent guy for themselves. Angela, who has already signed on for this service, but who keeps this secret from the other two, is supposed to meet with a guy (nicknamed 'Owl' because of his eyeglasses) who also joined the dating service but kept it secret from his three male friends (Joe, Rob, and Michael) who were talking about joining it - at Michael's suggestion!

Angela turns up dead. Patsy gets an invitation from the same dating service. None of these girls talk to each other about what they're up to - except that Patsy does confide in Elisabeth, who, having kicked Joe out, has now started to become friendly with him and is lured out for a bus trip around the sights of London with him.

Meanwhile, the rather weird woman who runs the dating service seems to have an oddball relationship with her rather oddball son. The plot sickens! But this story continues to intrigue me. During the first thirty or forty pages I was really becoming frustrated with it, and when I read bits and pieces of it over the weekend, I was frustrated, but reading it at other times, including at lunchtime today, I was drawn right back into it. The problem I think is that this novel is dense and serious and it doesn't take kindly to being read in dribs and drabs, or when there are interruptions going on around you. But if you sit down with it and treat it with respect, and give it some time, then it will be kind to you! How odd is that? It’s like the novel is the physical real-world manifestation of the fictional female protagonist within. I don’t know if Fyfield deliberately created it like this, but it’s a wonderfully enlightening concept which has really made an impression on me as a writer!

So Patsy survives her encounter with Michael, the son of Cynthia, warped and wefted adult child that he is, and she passes on her knowledge of him to Joe and Elisabeth, who are now becoming much more comfortable with each other, although she's as irascible as ever. In a bygone era, I could imagine a young Katherine Hepburn playing her and playing her well. Michael is carrying a psychic wound from someone who was unkind to him, and I believe that the person who did this to him is none other than Elisabeth herself, who caught him stealing when they were both kids, and reported him - although that alone seems insufficient to warp him as much as he is. So now he's killing women who are unkind to him, which is why Patsy is still alive. It makes me worry about what will happen to Elisabeth if this is what happened. How is she going to handle the guilt-trip that drops on her when she learns that she set this killer in motion? Or am I completely wrong in my assessment? It wouldn't be the first time!Both Joe and Elisabeth go to sign on with Cynthia's match-making agency, but Joe deliberately plays himself as an uncouth character and is thrown out, whereas Elisabeth, who remembers Cynthia from the incident during her childhood, is rushed through the sign-on process and hurried out the door a little more kindly. Now it appears that Michael has his hands on a key to her church tower, so things are slowly coming to a head.

I'm not sure I'm too keen on Joe. He strikes me as being a little bit creepy, but Elisabeth I am in love with, and looking forward to reading how this all pans out. As it looks right now, I'm pretty much expecting there to be a showdown in the tower rather reminiscent of the ending to Hitchcock's Vertigo, but with a bell falling on Michael (assuming he's indeed the villain and not an appallingly stinking red herring!) or something along those lines. We'll see!

Well I finished this and I did get something right! The ending struck me as a bit vague, and Joe's behavior seemed so at odds with how he'd been characterized earlier that it bothered me to a degree, but considering characterization and general writing quality, I recommend this novel because of Elisabeth.


Lingerie Wars by Janet Elizabeth Henderson






Title: Lingerie Wars
Author: Janet Elizabeth Henderson
Publisher: Unknown
Rating: WARTY!

DISCLOSURE: Unlike the majority of reviews in this blog, I've neither bought this book nor borrowed it from the library. This is a "galley" copy ebook, supplied by Net Galley. I'm not receiving (nor will I expect to receive or accept) remuneration of any kind for this review. Since this is a new novel, this review is shorter so as not to rob the writer of her story, but even so, it will probably still be more detailed than you'll typically find elsewhere!


This novel appears to be the first in an Invertary series. Whether any of the others will be an improvement on this I don't intend to find out.

The English and the Scots have long been antagonistic. In the past, these disagreements were fought out on the battlefield, but that stopped when Elizabeth 1st died without leaving an heir. She herself picked James 6th of Scotland to succeed her. He had been the longest reigning monarch ever to rule Scotland, but when he became James 1st of England, he set about combining the two nations into one (along with Ireland), and setting up a single parliament to govern them. The flourishing of English society which had taken place under Elizabeth continued during his reign. Bacon, Donne, Jonson (Don Johnson lol!), Marlowe, and Shakespeare lived in his era, and it is his name which became attached to the Authorised King James Version of the Bible.

These days, those battles are fought on the football field, and each year the four nations which comprise Great Britain: England, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales represent in a week-long battle for soccer supremacy in the quaintly titled 'Home Internationals'. Though a single nation, the UK is allowed four teams because it was the birthplace of football. I remember one interview on TV with the then manager of Scotland where he referred to the upcoming match between these two nations as taking on the "Anglish" - not playing against England, the team, but against the nation! I found that amusing. So these games have deep roots that go beyond mere football. I love Scotland: it was featured powerfully in my novel Saurus, so when I saw this novel pop up on Netgalley, I couldn't resist it, even though romances like this aren't exactly my cup of tea, especially after the very disappointing Skinny Bitch in Love.

The male protagonist is a retired British soldier, with the asinine name of Lake Benson (can we not ever have a romance without these bizarre pretentious names?!). His sister, believe it or not, is called Rainne! Rain feeds lakes, so are we to take home from this that Lake's sister is servile? She's certainly portrayed that way. He has loaned her money to open this underwear shop directly across the street from an exotic lingerie shop owned and run by Kirsty. These names remind me of stories I used to read to my kids when they were toddlers, about a blue dog and his rainbow-hued friends. The shops are supposed to be in a little Scots town of Invertary, which is fictional but seems to be based heavily on a real town called Inverary which sits on a Loch-side.

So we immediately know the over-arching plot: Lake and Kirsty are made for each other and will live happily ever afterwards, unless this story truly is different, which I seriously doubt at this time. The only mystery, then, is how well it's written and how entertaining are the contortions through which these two will go before they finally get together. I'm sorry to have to relate that I was sadly let down on that score. David Tennant and Kelly MacDonald have already done this kind of thing in film, which wasn't great but was passable enough to idle away an hour or two, and was a lot better than this novel.

There are unforeseen issues with the shop, 'Betty's Knicker Emporium', one of which is that the contract under which the shop was sold stipulates that 86-year-old Betty still has a say in it - including that the sign stays unchanged. Betty owns the building; Rainne merely leases the shop, so this immediately presents the problem of how much money Lake has sunk into this if it's jsut for rent and stock. It's not like he bought the building. Kirsty comes over to visit with Rainne (someone whom she's been trying to help in getting her business afloat) and gets into a dispute with Lake, which ends up with the two of them declaring all-out war on each other (the lingerie wars of the novel's title). Kirsty, who essentially melted when she saw Lake. The cliché-laden description of this encounter all but made me toss my breakfast all over my keyboard. I was hoping that we could keep that YA nonsense to a minimum and actually enjoy a fun story here, but that hope was quickly dashed to death on this rocky romance.

While Kirsty is rather discombobulated by this turn of events, Lake finds himself excited by the prospect of planning a battle. He gets a dose of reality, however, when 86-year-old Betty shows up and lets herself in, offering him a hot meat pie for breakfast, and demanding he toss the coffee he's made and make her some tea. I confess I did love Betty and the conversations they had. Lake's assessment of Betty is: "In another life she would have made a leader of a great terrorist cell. Or a dictator of a small country." This is the kind of story I was hoping for. Unfortunately, it's not what was delivered. I really liked the opening few paragraphs of chapter 2; the interaction between Lake and Kirsty there was really enjoyable, as was his relationship with Betty. Even Rainne comes out of her shell a bit, but this is yet another romance (and indeed there seems to be no discernible difference here between adult fiction and young-adult fiction) which goes the way of the woman turning into a limp rag and the over-confident male smugly dictating her every breath.

The battle lines are slowly being drawn, with a newspaper article back-firing on Kirsty, and Lake finding out that she was once a model of the same hue as those of Victoria's Secret, until her then boyfriend crashed a car in which they were driving, and while he walked away (taking a chunk of her money with him), tragedy walked all over Kirsty's body, sending her into PTSD, as well as marking her with some serious physical scarring. I found it a bit weird that I was reading this (Lingerie Wars), interleaved with reading Blind Date which also features a female protagonist with body scars. Were I superstitious, I'd be in danger of becoming creeped-out by these coincidences between my current ebook and my current hardback! But it's just a meaningless coincidence.

So, I was toodling along with this story, enjoying it sporadically in fact, despite some significant potholes in the interaction between the two main protagonists. I was even willing to put up with some sabotage of Lake's store which was conducted not by Kirsty, but on her behalf. No one was hurt and it was done rather in fun (if somewhat mean fun), but my enjoyment of the novel came to a screeching halt when Lake began manhandling Kirsty and then breaking into Kirsty's home and snooping around one night when she was sleeping upstairs. He snooped her financial information on her laptop, had someone hack into her website and advertise his own store on it, and then he ogled her while she was fast asleep in her bed.

I'm sorry but no.

What is this - a clueless, trope infested, young adult novel? It wasn't supposed to be, but it's indistiguishable from one. This was entirely unacceptable to me, and I found it offensive that the Kirsty character is such a dishrag, not only permitting, but even falling in with Lake's manipulation of her even as she mumbles feeble protestations. What the hell kind of a woman is she? Well to begin with, she's one who has lost all my respect. Clearly, she's not any kind of a woman; rather, she's just a toy for this guy: a living, life-size sex doll for the adolescent soldier-boy. If you don't find that offensive, not in the least, then I'm sorry, but there's something wrong with you.

If this were a spy novel, then yes, I'd half expect some breaking and entering, and snooping. If it were a stalker novel, or a thriller, or a horror story, or a story about a psycho killer, then yes, it would be "appropriate" to the tale to have this happen. Even if this were a comédie noire, this might be "acceptable" - for example, a pair of spies who were entering into a relationship both snooping on each other and breaking into each other's apartments. It would fit the fable in those instances, but for a light romantic comedy? No. You lose the light right there and instead starkly illuminate a host of problems with this kind of fiction, whereby women are portrayed as having no value other than as man-toys. How is the way Kirsty is represented here different from how, for example, women are portrayed in porn movies: as having nothing on their mind other than idly waiting for some guy who is just like Lake to denude them and 'do' them? Let me answer that: it isn’t. There is no difference, and I find both equally offensive.

How can it be viewed in any other light: to have a guy manhandling and manipulating a woman who is in financial straits and who is scarred both physically and mentally, and for the female protagonist to accept this as fine amnd have no protection from this sick bullying lech? No. There is no way I am going to accept this as a comedy or a cute roamnce, and Henderson should be thoroughly ashamed of herself for even thinking this up for such a genre, let alone committing it to an actual novel. If she were going somewhere useful, or interesting with that line of plotting, that might be a different story, and I admit I'm judging this having read only 30% of it, but in those sixty-some pages, I've seen no hint whatsoever that she plans on heading anywhere other than Lake clubbing Kirsty over the head, and dragging her back to his cave.

Has Henderson neither read nor seen anything of the military scandals whereby women in the military are abused and raped by men like Lake Benson, and who are denied justice because they’re women? Not that there can be any real justice for such appalling abuse, but you know what I mean. I wonder how she feels about perpetuating the lie that it’s just fine for military men to take what they want, because it’s really what women want too, isn’t it? (So she'd have us believe, if judged by this novel).

I sat and thought about whether I really wanted to read any more of this trash - about whether the remaining 70% could make up for the first thirty, and I'm sorry but I can’t find it in me to read any more. Henderson has in these first few pages, robbed me of any faith I might have held in her ability to take this anywhere, at this point, where it could possibly shed the sewer stench with which she's now so irremediably imbued it. 'Warty' hardly describes a canker like this. Remind me never again to make the sad mistake of imagining that a story with a saucily playful title like Lingerie Wars could go anywhere other than where Henderson has let it sink.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Insurgent by Veronica Roth






Title: Insurgent
Author: Veronica Roth
Publisher: Katherine Tegan
Rating: WARTY!

Welcome to Veronica Roth's 525 page pity party for Mama Messiah and Drama Queen Beatrice, in which Tris successfully channels the depressed Katniss Everdeen! Let me begin this by announcing that I have now read enough of this volume to be able to state, without any shadow of a doubt, that in the Divergent trilogy, this novel is definitely number 2....

You may recall that I withheld my rating for Divergent (which is the first in this trilogy) until I had read Insurgent, which I now unexpectedly have from a new library which has opened relatively close to where I live, so off we go! This library copy is supposedly a collector's edition but all it evidently offers is a shiny metallic-effect cover, a ribbon book-mark glued into the spine, and some stickers. Seriously? OK. And what's with that autumnal swirly tree? Trivia Time: Do you know that the Divergent series is actually a mathematics concept?!

Insurgent also features a some forty or so pages of bonus features including "Toby-ass tells the divergent story" which has an introduction even though the story itself is only five pages long...! Veronica Roth talks about "character death" is one section along with a Veronica Roth Q&A. There are Insurgent discussion questions and tips on how to have a faction party. Seriously, I am not making this up. Nor am I going to read any of this because all that this achieved was to convince me that this novel is way below my reading level.

While I again have to give props to Roth for no prologue, introduction, foreword, preface, etc, at the start, she simply launches into the sequel without a nod or a wink to the previous volume. Even though it was not that long since I read the first volume, I confess I had to go back and read my own review just now to refresh my memory as to exactly how that panned out. I guess that's not a good sign, huh?!

You may recall that in vol 1, the world had suffered a huge war, and society had decided that unity could only be achieved by forcibly separating people into antagonistic Klans: the five families of mafia-ruled New York City, kinda, although this was set in Chicago. The five factions which resulted were the grammatically incorrect Abnegation, Amity, Candor, Dauntless, and Erudite. That latter faction, which is supposed to be smart, in collaboration with Dauntless, the defense force, was the one which revolted and drugged its own members, turning them into zombies which could then be easily talked into attacking other factions in order for the Dauntless-Erudite Axis (DEA) to take over as the sole dominant authority.

Triscuit (our hero) and her strong male protector Toby-ass, along with a complete Peter, and Triscuit's brother Caleb (without a 'K') managed to escape the drugged day of the dead finale of the previous book and throw themselves upon the scant mercy of the Amity faction (yeah I know that reads like a paradox, but please read on!). I found it interesting that the Amityville medical staff seem to think that treating an abrasion on Triscuit's shoulder is more important than taking care of Peter's broken arm, because they get to that only after they've found a salve for Triscuit! But that's not the weirdest thing! They offer Triscuit a sedative and despite the fact that she's just come out of a horrific battle which was aided immensely by the fact that soldiers were being drugged and forced to do the will of others, she accepts this sedative and gulps it down without a second thought or the slightest suspicion. Some soldier, huh? That just struck me as being just a bit dumb ledore, but let's see where Roth takes us on this trip.

By page 65 (out of a whopping 525!) I already do not like this tome. Roth has Toby-ass (aka Four), who is taller than Triscuit, putting his arms - not his hands, but his arms - around Triscuit's hips when they're both standing facing each other. I'd really like her to demonstrate how that's accomplished some time. Maybe she could make a book trailer (lol!) with that included? But that's not the worst bit. The worst bit is that Roth continues to make a very strong case for how small, and lost, and totally useless Triscuit is. So of course she needs a manly Toby-ass, who is, of course, taller and stronger than she is, and therefore must take care of her because she's just a weak and limp little girl really.

Yet despite all this stress, and despite how exhausted and stressed she feels (and did I mention that she's stressed?), this doesn't one bit interfere with her sneaking stealthily around and spying on people, trying to figure out what is the big nasty secret which Marcus, Toby-ass's piece of trash dad, is holding so firmly onto. Nor does it prevent anyone asking this unstable girl for advice.

Perhaps this conflict is why this spineless little tot has nightmares and goes running into Toby-ass's room at night to sneak under his protective covers. And of course, all she's wearing is a long T-shirt and literally nothing else. So Triscuit has been through a war and killed people, and proven herself through the barbaric "training" to join Dauntless, but when Toby-ass takes advantage of her fear and weakness, and starts feeling her up, rather than stress even more and recoil and berate him, she starts physically responding! But it gets worse! Before anything happens, she sobbingly reveals that she can't go through with it because it just wouldn't be right!

When she finally returns to her room, she discovers a big Peter there, stealing the hard drive which contains all the details of Erudite's drug program. I'm surprised he doesn't ask if she wants to put her software on his hard drive! When she tries to take back the stolen drive from him, they get into a fight, and Triscuit is the only one punished for it by Amity. The punishment is a drug which turns her into Barney the Dinosaur, but without the bruised coloration. Their fearless leader determines that Triscuit has been overdosed, but this is hardly surprising in a facility where healing wound is given priority over a broken arm.

The Amity faction has voted to allow these other refugee faction members to stay with them, but since the Amity people are buddies with Erudite, they declare that they will not take sides in this conflict, which in practice means that they've sided with the aggressors. This is Amity siding with people who have drugged their own faction and used the drugged soldiers to all but wipe out the Abnegation faction! This betrays every single thing Amity is supposed to be about, of course, but perhaps the fact that they drug their own people to coerce them into conformation with their idea of a norm is why they won't even so much as condemn the brutal behavior of the DEA?

The need to escape schizo-faction is brought to a head when the DEA arrives with armed soldiers to search Amity's compound. The refugees, which are offered no protection whatsoever by Amity (other than not to overtly betray them) are literally hunted down and killed in front of Amity's members, who do nothing whatsoever for them. Triscuit, Caleb, Toby-ass, and some chick called Susan (no word on whether her first name is Mary) manage to escape. Mary Susan completely disappears at this point.

They jump a train heading into the city (which curiously has no DEA guards whatsoever!) where they encounter a bunch of 'the factionless' - people this charming society has cast out because they failed to make it into one of the five families...er factions. Oh, and Triscuit's shoulder hurts. Edward (one of those cast out from Dauntless during Triscuit's training), is aboard the train. What an amazing coincidence. When Toby-ass reveals who he actually is, he's taken to meet the factionless leader - so it's not a leaderless faction, you see, even though it's fractionated. The factionless leader is Toby-ass's mother.

After hanging with the factionless for a very short time the pair of them head over to the Candor compound where they're promptly arrested as traitors. They're confined to a room - together - where Triscuit's shoulder hurts and they learn that they're going be be subjected to the truth serum at 7pm. Why the seven hour wait? Who knows? These things appear to be unabashedly random in this novel. They both come through the test ok, but Triscuit discovers that even the truth serum cannot control her completely. She's promptly adopted by the local Dauntless group (as opposed to the 50% who betrayed everyone else, known as the Dauntless traitors, and who are evidently hanging out at the Erudite building). This part is nicely written and was a pleasure to read after some 150 pages of posterior pain (and shoulder pain), but unfortunately it doesn't last long. Triscuit starts hanging out with Lynn. who is the one I want this story to be about, but unfortunately, we can't have that, we have to have Triscuit.

My problem with Triscuit throughout the first two hundred pages is that she's a complete betrayal of everything in book one. She's supposed to be Dauntless. She's supposed to have worked hard and become toughened, and fought hard to get where she is, but throughout this entire novel so far, she's a complete whiny wuss (oh and her shoulder hurts. Did I mention that?). She is scared of guns, and this caused endless trouble for others, yet despite pistóliphobia, she has no trouble knifing Eric, so she definitely doesn't have aichmophobia! How did this knifing come about?

Well, they decide to go climb the Hancock building so they can spy on Erudite, but as they get set to leave the lobby and head outdoors, they're confronted by Dauntless traitors outside. The entire Dauntless non-traitor group freezes and so the Dauntless traitors (who henceforth and herewithin will be known as the Dumb-ass Dauntless or Dumb-asses for short) are able to stun everyone with their simulation guns (no, the gun isn't simulated, it's real, but the round it fires facilitates a simulation in anyone it hits, thereby rendering them helpless). The Dumb-ass Dauntless attack is 100% successful despite there being loyal Dauntless guards always on duty in the lobby for the very purpose of repelling such an assault, so once again Roth completely betrays Dauntless - either that or the Dauntless loyals are as big a bunch of wusses as Triscuit is. From here onwards, they shall be known as Wuss-ass Dauntless, or Wuss-asses for short.

The point of the raid is to get a couple of divergents to experiment on. This completely betrays the fiction confection that the Erudite faction knows how to function. If they were smart, they would have raided the factionless to get the divergents since the factionless discard pack is composed of a wealth of them. Why would they raid a guarded Candor building instead? Hey, this is the kind of story Roth writes. Perhaps they purposefully took the road more troublesomely traveled precisely because they're Dumb-asses? But then that would be a betrayal of the strength of their coalition with Erudite, wouldn't it?

So what happens is that the divergents don't get knocked out by these simulant guns which the Dumb-ass Dauntless are using, so they're easy to pick out. Triscuit excels herself here, rising to new levels of incompetence. Since she's too chicken to carry a gun, she hides behind the other Dauntlesses, using them as a human shield. When a gas grenade lands near her, instead of tossing it out of the lobby she tosses it deeper into the lobby! Oookay! They later learn that the needle was the transmitter portion of the simulation treatment, whereas the gas grenade was the actual simulant in aerosol form, so Triscuit actually helped the Dumb-asses. They later determine that the transmitter is a long-lasting variety, so now the DEA can run a simulation and take over the other factions whenever they want.

Why the Dumb-asses don't simply grab the first two divergents they find and run with them is another mystery, Instead, they parade around the whole building herding up the divergents and this is how Triscuit the wuss is discovered: she failed to grab a gun and so was easily overcome, but when Eric starts getting in her face about whether she's a double or a triple divergent, she stabs him without reserve or hesitation. I guess the Dumb-ass Dauntless don't search their captives for weapons, and evidently Eric the Dumb-ass Dauntless was ditch-deep dumb because despite the fact that he pressed firmly up against Triscuit from behind, while restraining her, he never once detected that she had a knife in her back pocket!.

I've just finished two or so hours out in the yard and I wanted to lay down on the couch with a cup of hot tea with some honey in it and read a couple of chapters, but the next chapter in line is 17 and it's such an ungodly mess that if I don't blog it "live" as I read it, I'm going to forget all Le Stupide that I encounter (and this is after reading only three pages of it!).

Sixteen ends with Toby-ass telling Triscuit to drop the knife (because she's just a weak girl who doesn't know what she's doing and he's the strong manly man who gets to tell her what to do for her own good, you know). Seventeen begins with this sentence: "Tobias tells me this story." Roth has painted herself into a corner here because she insisted upon telling this story from Triscuit's PoV, but that means she can't tell us anything that Triscuit doesn't witness first hand. If we have to learn something that happened to someone else, they have to tell Triscuit so we can know it, but that's not what she does here. For the first time she simply tells the story from the third person, but there's only this limp line of 3 very faint asterisks (not asterixes!) which in the collector's edition appeared very faintly at the top of the right-hand page facing the one where the chapter starts. Tightly focused on the story as I was, I completely missed them! Toby-ass's story is only three paragraphs, ending at the bottom of the page containing the chapter header, but I was all the way down the next page and onto the page after that before I started thinking, "What the hell?".

What really triggered this was when I read about Triscuit removing the dart which contained the simulation drug, and it made absolutely no sense whatsoever! I was thinking that this had happened to Toby-ass, but then I started wondering if I'd missed something and we were now back in Triscuit's PoV (which we were), but it made even less sense then. I had to go back and re-read those three pages, and it was only then that I registered the three asterisks! Confusing! But all my dumb fault.

Here's the problem with the drug dart: It's a needle about the length of Triscuit's pinkie (little) finger, and at the outside end, it has a small disk about the size of her little finger nail, so the needle is like a nail. This takes place right after we read of Toby-ass telling her to drop the knife, but she's not with Toby-ass, she's in the bathroom. We've had no notification of her changing her location, nor of where she moved to. We just read of her removing this Dumb-ass Dauntless Jacket which she'd appropriated as a disguise in the previous chapter. So she has to remove this jacket to see the needle, but here's the question: given that the needle has a flange of about a quarter inch, how did it penetrate her clothing (she was wearing a zipped up jacket) to the point where it's snugly against her skin with no fabric between it and the skin? And how did it penetrate her shoulder so deeply without hitting any bone?

The needle isn't barbed, yet Triscuit cannot extract it without using her knife (the one Toby-ass made her drop!) as a lever to pull it with. If it was purely in skin and muscle, it would have been relatively simple to pull it out. If it was in bone, it would have hurt as Triscuit claims it did, but it would likely have snapped if she'd tried to lever it out as she describes. Confusing! But the only thing which really bothers Triscuit, who was raised all her life in Abnegation and was then taught how to be super tough in Dauntless, is that she absolutely must apply some salve to her jaw before it bruises! Oh my! And those fingernail marks on her skin are so disgusting. Seriously, I've come to the only logical conclusion that Triscuit isn't divergent or trivergent, but univergent, yet she isn't one of the five families, er factions; no, Triscuit is the founder member of the sixth faction, the Barbies! Yeay! She probably thinks math is hard....

A serious problem with seventeen is that it reveals with stark clarity what a bunch of little wusses the entire Dauntless faction is! First in that the Wuss-asses could not defend the Candor compound. Second in that, via Toby-ass's tale, we discover that once the Dumb-ass crew were surrounded, they ran away!. How one runs away when one is surrounded is a complete mystery which not even Roth's best miraculous (god helped her write this story according to her acknowledgment page) deus ex machina can salvage, but it completely betrays the claim that Dauntless faction members are fierce and brave, and aggressive! It deteriorates further from there, though! Triscuit spends all night pulling needles out of other people, so I guess the Dauntless crew are also wimps when it comes to needles!

Apparently the Dumb-asses were such exceptional shots that every single needle went into someone's arm (except Triscuit, of course, and that's no doubt because she's divergent!). At any rate, the arm is the only location from which Triscuit is pulling needles! Evidently none of the Wuss-ass Dauntless crew can do it for themselves or help to do it for others, and the candor people are honestly useless. It smarts too much for the erudite to do it, and the abnegation people think it would be too prideful to pretend they could do anything for themselves. Amity is into drugs so they would no doubt leave it be. So that just leaves Triscuit who - despite this swollen jaw marring her flawless beauty - nevertheless sacrifices her own personal comfort and works through the mild but persistently intrusive pain to serve others like the good little Abnegator she is.

What really confuses me is that Triscuit not only heard what Eric and some other Dumb-ass Dauntless crew-member were discussing about the purpose of this assault, she was also party to Eric's monologuing when she was captured, and yet she inexplicably starts tossing ideas back and forth about what the purpose of this assault was! She considers that the needles might be poisoned, even though she knows perfectly well they were not. She wonders why the assault was made even thought she knows perfectly well why it was made. She wonders what the Dumb-asses were after even though she knows perfectly well what they were after. She wonders what they hoped to achieve even though she knows perfectly well what they hoped to achieve! Maybe Triscuit should be on the Dumb-ass faction, too? Did I mention that her jaw is swollen?

So Triscuit finally gets a chance to go to the cafeteria despite her swollen jaw, and runs into her brother (fortunately not literally and not jaw first), who is seriously concerned about that swell jaw she's now sporting. Maybe this is her signature: from now on, she will always have an injury for us to fret over, switching them out like a chain smoker. But we have more important things to deal with now: this paragon of charm and empathy reveals that "I thought I had gotten to the point where I didn't need my brother any more..."! What?! What was her plan: was she going to trade him in for a new knife? But no, the answer is revealed! She wants him to go get her some food because she has to talk with Toby-ass and obviously has no time for pointless pursuits like grabbing something to eat before she goes to talk to Toby-ass! Erudite boy sees absolutely no problem with this and toddles off to do her bidding. I was expecting to turn the page and read him saying, "As you wish."!

She finds Toby-ass and his first concern is her jaw, which is swell, but he follows it with an inquiry into her state of mind because this fully-trained but extremely delicate Dauntless girl stabbed someone! Oh. My. God! She wants to tell him about Marcus, who she has learned escaped the Amity compound with his Peter they both made it to Gondor! Er, Candor! But despite his chewing her out earlier about not telling him anything, she refrains from telling him anything because they are in the cafeteria - or is it Kafkateria? I don't know. So many weird things are happening in here, who can tell? God only knows what would happen if she revealed the dread secret of Marcus in the... Kafkateria! Toby-ass would no doubt morph into a berserker, rampaging, and sacking, and burning people's houses, raping their womenfolk or whoever happened to be about, and carrying off treasure in his douche canoe which looks remarkably like a Viking longboat. FOR GOD'S SAKE DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT MARCUS! Triscuit decides to start acting selfishly....

So she tells Toby-ass she needs to talk to him, but not in the Kafkateria. Unfortunately, on the way out, some people taunt Toby-ass about the return of his father, so he learns of it in the cafeteria anyway. I guess if Triscuit hadn't been so selfish she could have prepared him for this, but she decided to go all selfish and well, there you go. Despite his now knowing, they still go somewhere as though she's going to tell him this secret he now knows! So when they get there, Toby-ass asks her if this secret she would reveal was Marcus's arrival and she denies it and tries to launch into a discussion of the simulation drugs, but instead, Toby-ass chews her out for doing precisely the things the Dauntless crew have been taught to do ever since she joined them!

Later, at the Candor meeting, Jack Kang, the leader of Candor invites the divergent forward to hear their opinions and then disses every one of them. He does describe Triscuit accurately based on what we've been shown of her so far in this novel: a little girl, and he disses her and Toby-ass's suggestions despite asking for them! No one speaks up in their defense. King Kang wants to meet the leader of Erudite to talk peace despite this brutal and unprovoked attack. Jack Kang is a moron who reminds me of Neville Chamberlain, and who is doubtlessly going to die at some point.

Here are some fun exercises to help maintain your interest in this novel (believe me, you'll need something, and I don’t recommend drugs):

  1. Count the number of times where Triscuit states "I have never (insert random activity), and I never will".
  2. Count how many times Triscuit consecutively says the same thing twice.
  3. Count the number of times where Triscuit agonizes over Will's death.
  4. Count how many times Triscuit reveals that despite being a successful young Dauntless candidate, she has all the physical fitness and stamina of a debilitated retiree.
  5. Count the number of times Triscuit aches, hurts, or is sore.
  6. Keep your eyes open for fun sentences like this: "...the moon is bright enough that I can walk by it without too much trouble." (Think about it!).

Roth is obsessed with the numbers 7 and 12. 7 is the number of the divine in Judaism. Triscuit's truth serum interrogation with Candor was set for 7pm and she was told this at noon. King Kang's meeting with Jeanine's representative was at 7am, and Triscuit thought about this twelve hours before, at 7pm. Of course, Triscuit once again failed to arm herself, so she failed to shoot Jeanine even though she had quickly figured out that the Erudite leader was indeed close by, but as we shall see, the last thing anyone is really aiming to do is take out Jeanine and thereby end this mess. No, we have a trilogy to complete and we’re going full spread ahead and damn the torpedoes which are hitting us harder in the ass with very page we turn.

We learn that two spies have returned from Erudite, but they evidently learned not a thing - or if they did, we sure learned nothing of what they learned. This is an epic fail as we shall see later, but for now, let’s take a moment to mourn the sad fact that this kind of thing - story lines which go nowhere - isn't confined to this one incident. Consider for example the plan to climb the Hancock building to spy on Erudite, which was interrupted by the Dumb-ass Dauntless attack. This plan is completely forgotten and not only never carried out, but it’s never mentioned again! Some plan. This is a second epic fail tied very much to the failure of the spies, as we shall see in a little while.

But let me admit here that I was wrong about Eric the half-a-B. I thoght he'd live on, but he's dead meat, summarily shot by Toby-ass. I was surprised by that. Not by him being killed without even a pretense of a trial and not by the fact that Triscuit isn’t even remotely shocked or nauseated by this latest example of barbarity, but by him being killed off. I thought they would keep him for his bug-a-bear value (which is why he's only half a B), but since we still have the Evil Queen Jeanine in the role, I guess Eric wasn't important enough to keep around. The question is, can we be assured that they're not going to kill off Jeanine no matter how many glaring opportunities present themselves for them to do so (more on this anon), because she is now the last evil monarch remaining.

This novel seems like all we're getting is Roth's random ruminations®. Whatever wild idea crosses her "lateral prefrontal cortex" (which Roth mistakenly thinks is the brain's pleasure center) got typed right out and became integrated into the story. I'm really a bit surprised not to read 'and then' frequently in this fable: "Triscuit got depressed and then she cried and then she fantasized about Toby-ass, who is selflessly growing bangs into his eyes as fast as he can" because it’s that kind of breathless child-like relation of a tale which is what this novel feels like all too often. Hey, when Beatrice offends, is this a Prior offense...? I had to seriously wonder why Triscuit is made to appear far younger than her sixteen years, especially given how much tough training she's received at the hands of her manly tutors when she joined Dauntless just a month or so before. Even Roth is aware of this, as highlighted by her own reference to it, put into in Jeanine's mouth when Triscuit turns herself in.

The most glaring thing about this novel is that Triscuit is the diametric opposite of what she was in volume 1 and for no good reason. Rather than being toughened up, she's retrogressing into a childlike state, and the retardation evidently isn't just mental, it's apparently physical. Consider this sentence from Roth: "He sits on the edge of the bed and I stand in front of him and we're finally eye to eye." So is Triscuit a midget? Is she eight years old? Why would Roth champion her as a can-do candidate in volume one and then destroy all that by making her into the nary sue of volume 2? If the novel had been written in the third person it wouldn't have seemed quite so bad, but all this self-pity is nothing but nauseating in the first person.

The massive failure of Dauntless as an entity is another bizarre factor in this novel's failure. After volume 1, where we get slammed time after time after time with how tough Dauntless is, how supreme, how powerful, how aggressive and how fearless, time after time in this volume we discover how useless they are, how inert, how incapable, how worthless as a defensive force, and how incapable they are of formulating any kind of a strategy or battle plan! This entire novel is one of placid non-reactivity on the part of the Wuss-asses - hence their well-deserved name. What's almost equally bizarre is that Toby-ass, an instructor for Dauntless, and in this volume now a leader, constantly berates Triscuit for acting like Dauntless faction member should act! Or at least should act given what we were forced to swallow in volume 1! Go figure!

Check out this brain-dead sequence: Christina, who pretty much detests Triscuit for firing at Will, comes to get her - not one of the leaders or anyone else, but Triscuit, the person she most despises - when an Erudite initiated simulation causes some Wuss-asses to kill themselves. Christina fails to tell Triscuit what’s going on, and Triscuit robotically fails to ask, merely following her like a blind lamb to the slaughter. Triscuit exhibits this specific behavior repeatedly in this volume. Triscuit isn’t even remotely suspicious of this girl who, for all she knows, hates her and is plotting retaliation. Triscuit fails to alert anyone and follows with mute acquiescence. The astounding incompetence of these two results in two more deaths. When they get up to the roof, Triscuit discovers that her friend Marlene, Lynn's young brother Hector, and one other are being coerced (by a simulation) to throw themselves off the roof to their death. And where the heck do these names come from? Uriah? Zeke? Hector? Toby-ass? I'm forced to consider the possibility that it was God Himself gave those names to Roth with a divine edict to employ them. He did co-write this novel with her, after all.

So what happened here is that the Dumb-asses have invoked a simulation on three of the Wuss-asses, forcing them up the roof where they're about to plunge to their deaths. The Dumb-asses know what's going on because the Wuss-asses have exhibited remarkable incompetence in their failure to blind all the cameras in the Dauntless compound. Why? They chose to have a paintball fight instead! I am not making this up! Because Christina came down and got Triscuit, and Triscuit alerted no one else, there is no one to restrain two of the three subjects as they throw themselves off the roof and die. Triscuit manages to save Hector. Christina doesn’t even try to save anyone. If they had recruited just four more people, there would have been more than enough to save all three lives.

There is more incompetence here than just Triscuit's and Christina's. Why would the Dumb-asses pull this demo of their power in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep, and there's no one to witness it?! Why not do it in front of everyone in the middle of the day? And why wait until Christina has got Triscuit to come along, but no one else?! The result of this could have backfired. It could have been that everyone thought Christina and Triscuit had killed those three. But then, that's why they're the Dumb-asses, isn’t it?! Naturally Triscuit blames herself for all three deaths, and heaps this on top of her already overwhelming guilt, which is fair I suppose since she could have done a lot better. Never once does she consider Christina culpable, because Triscuit is painfully stupid despite baing an Erudite candidate. Actually maybe because she's such a candidate, since the Erudites are clearly stupid too.

There is a far more serious problem here, unfortunately. Recall that in the attack on the Candor building, the Dumb-asses needed both a transmitter, and a simulant. The transmitter was injected (and not single thought has been expended on how to remove or neutralize the transmitter!) via the needles which were fired at so many people, and the simulant was administered via the gas grenades. So my question is: where is the simulant in this assault on those three roof-top flyers? None was administered. The only permanent thing is the transmitter! Roth doesn't so much as gloss over this as completely fail to explain it.

This is what I mean by Roth's behavior pattern of tossing out random and ill-conceived ideas instead of creating a coherent narrative and molding that into an engaging story. I've mentioned this before in reviews, but it’s worth bringing up again: I can forgive a lot of holes in a story if the story itself is worthy. If your fiction engages my mind and pulls me along, I'm in, but even the best written story opens itself to endless nitpicking if it fails in the critical arena of proving itself to be a gripping yarn. If it fails to provide a decent ongoing narrative and if it fails in generally maintaining a respectable level of suspension of disbelief, then it fails as a novel and all there is for the reader to do is pick at the loose threads until they unravel like a badly composed Boléro.

I don’t demand that a novel be perfect. None is. It doesn't have to be perfect. I don't ask for a flawless story, and I sure don't claim to write flawless ones myself! All I ask is that the writer tell me a good story; take me somewhere I've never been; introduce me to someone interesting and fun, someone I've never met but would like to meet. You give me that, and I'm yours, and your story will be embraced, warts and all. The problem is that Roth isn't even pretending that she needs to fabricate a decent story; she's just palming us off with a fabrication, and stringing together two dozen plot holes and telling me it's crochet is just going to get me crotchety.

So Triscuit predictably declares herself the scapegoat of Gethsemane, and offers herself like the Messiah in the park in the dark. She outright lies to Toby-ass, for which I hope he will never forgive her but for which the moron doubtlessly will forgive her, and she bows down to terrorism rather than trying to use her erudition skills to figure out a solution. Never once does the thought even cross her mind that Jeanine will not keep her word, indeed has no incentive to! Never once does she entertain the idea that her sacrifice for all humankind will actually benefit the devil and give her more power to continue to harm the Wuss-asses regardless of what happens to Triscuit. On her way out the door, she tells Christina to find out what Marcus knows, and Christina is so monumentally stupid that she doesn’t figure out that Triscuit is going to turn herself in to the Erudite.

But it gets worse. When Triscuit hikes over to the Erudite compound (complaining all the way of what a chore it is to have to actually walk several blocks), she discovers that the compound is completely unguarded and unprotected. If the Wuss-asses went over there, they could walk in and take over the entire building, but erudite candidate and Dauntless graduate Triscuit never even notices the lax security, let alone considers haring back to the Dauntless compound with this amazing piece of extremely valuable intelligence. This is a revelation which the two spies should already have conveyed but spectacularly failed to do so! It is also a revelation which, if they actually had completed their plan of scaling the Hancock building to spy on the Erudite compound, the Wuss-asses would also have discovered.

So Triscuit once more bemoans her fate and the Erudite people conduct some sims on her, all of which fail because she's quite evidently magic girl on whom no sims work. The funny thing is that Triscuit, who hates Peter, is joking and flirting with him throughout her captivity! This is Peter who put out her friend Edward's eye for no reason other than pure jealousy, in volume 1 of this trilogy. Worse than this, Triscuit at one point has the opportunity to stab Jeanine in the eye with a needle (which they stupidly give her so she can inject herself), yet she goes right ahead and injects herself. Given the revelation which comes shortly afterwards, this behavior is utterly, absolutely, completely, and in every other way inconceivably moronic. Except in a Veronica Roth novel, evidently.

So what comes later? Well Triscuit accidentally runs into Toby-ass, now a prisoner. Rather than kill him outright - a Dauntless faction leader! - the Dumb-asses let him hang around. They use Triscuit to force Toby-ass to betray the location of the factionless safe houses, and Toby-ass, a supposed Dauntless leader and instructor, spills every last detail and doesn't even feel remotely bad about it. Do they kill him then? Nope! Toby-ass even escapes at one point, takes Triscuit with him and then surrenders! Still they don’t kill him. Erudite my ass.

Instead, these geniuses decide to kill Triscuit! Now this is the one person who actually is immune to their drugs - the one who they truly need to figure out (by their estimation), but rather than pursue this course, they decide to kill her and substitute Toby-ass, who is far more troublesome, and from whom they could learn far less. I say, 'by their estimation' because all the Erudite have to do in reality (this reality, that is) is to kill all the divergent, and their problem is solved. They don't need a drug. For that matter, why even bother killing them? There are so few of them that they cannot possibly pose a threat, yet genius Jeanine is obsessing on them. Wouldn’t it be funny if she turned out to be one? And in true Star Wars tradition, also turned out to be Triscuit's real mom! Heh!

But we know Triscuit is never going to die because this is only volume 2 of a trilogy! Does Roth really think she's ramping up the stakes and making us sit on the edge of our seats? She's delusional if she does. So no, of course Triscuit doesn’t die. There's a traitor in the midst of the genius Erudite compound, and it’s Peter! Yes, he's a spy for the Wuss-asses.

So please, someone help me out here. I have two serious problems with this. Here's the first: Peter is a spy. He's working for the Wuss-asses, but he's embedded in the Erudite compound. Given that, what in god's name was the motive for Toby-ass breaking in there? And this is the same Toby-ass who was lecturing Triscuit not long before about not taking stupid risks??? His purported motive was to discover where the Erudite control rooms were. Peter couldn’t pass this information on?!! And Toby-ass was in one of these two control rooms. He had the chance to completely destroy it, but he failed to do so! This fable has now adventured well beyond Le Stupide and has spliced its drooling, slack-jawed visage deeply into the USB (unevacuated stinking butt-hole) port of the monumentally microencephalic.

Here's my second problem, and this makes the first look like a mere hiccup. You recall when Triscuit had a needle in her hand and failed to plunge it into Jeanine's eye? Guess who the only other person in the room was? Yep, it was Peter the spy. Eric and Max are already dead at this point. Triscuit and Peter could have taken out Jeanine right there and then, thereby completely chopping the head off the Erudite faction. They could have ended this whole war right there, yet both of them epically failed.

I'm sorry, but this cheap-ass excuse for an action adventure is total trash. My only purpose in finishing it now is to expose it for what it is by digging up the rest of the dirt and airing it in public. So continuing in this vein, Peter, Triscuit and Toby-ass escape down the garbage chute in true Star Wars fashion (honestly), and Triscuit decides that the best way to escape the Erudite pursuers is to be illogical because the logical Erudite people will never find them that way! Seriously? Since when did logic become the defining factor of the Erudite? It used to be smarts, not logic! But get Triscuit's brilliant idea: don't run, quietly hide instead. So they fire their gun to shatter a window to get into a building. I am not kidding you. They way to avoid the brilliant Erudite pursuers is to loudly fire a gun, smash a window, and then hide in the building which the gunshot and the shattered glass unmistakeably point out. I think even microencephalic is too generous for this level of numb-nuttery.

Well I pretty much skipped chapters 25 and 26 (or somewhere around there) because, amazingly, they were in almost exactly imitation of my joke! I expected Roth to start writing "and then she did this and then she did that" like a lower school writing assignment! These chapters spew out the most pointless and tedious details of completely uninteresting crap. But one part was actually interesting given this other joke I'd made about Triscuit being the Messiah: Toby-ass washes her feet! I am not making this stuff up. I now expect Triscuit to be transfigured and rise up to Heaven at the conclusion of this trilogy!

As if telling her chosen disciple Toby-ass one humongous lie wasn't enough, Triscuit lies again to him in a situation where she should definitely have trusted him. The Factionless and Dauntless (FAD) coalition plans on raiding the Erudite compound and destroying all their information, which is considered to be their power. But get this: the raid isn’t to take place immediately, it’s to take place three days hence (another number which has religious significance!). What in the name of ass-backwards bone-headed dim-wittedness was the "planning" behind that brain-dead decision? To give time for the Erudite goons to learn of this plan from their spies? To give them ample opportunity to shore up their defenses (which they do)? No, there is no reason for this decision aside from sheer incompetence in telling this fable. I guess we ought to be grateful that at least it’s not seven or twelve days....

Roth employs uses the verb "to inch"! That reminds me of a biography someone wrote about the creator of James Bond: Ian Fleming. I may be misremembering this (I sure don't remember who wrote the biography!), but I recall the writer mentioning that none other than Noël Coward had taken Fleming to task on his turning of the noun into a verb, and Coward declined it for him along the lines of "I inch, Thou inchest..."! I found that immensely amusing, but the fact remains that language isn't what's written in some dictionary, or in some grammar manual somewhere. Language is what's spoken the street, and I don't think it's ever been more dynamic than we find in the English language today.

It’s an exciting time, and while I often rail at misused or misspoken words, and at bad grammar, I also realize we can’t stop it, so we need to find a way, if not to embrace it then to turn this trend to our advantage as writers. In this particular case with the inch (and should we now change it to the centimeter?!), it would probably behoove a writer to employ, instead of something like "I inched my way along the ledge" to write something more like "I navigated the narrow ledge by inches". A simple dedication to subtle changes like that - a kind of retro-writing, rebelling against the new norm - might make the difference between your novel being a part of the herd, and to it standing out in an editor's - or more importantly these days of self-publishing - in your reader's mind.

Triscuit and her token black friend Christina head off over to the Amity compound with Marcus (is his last name 'Asdoomed'?!). Once again Triscuit immediately does someone else's bidding, allowing herself to be drawn into the Amity people's prayer to a god who never lifted a finger to help them, but instead, quite evidently gave this society the finger. She becomes aware of her weakness for once, but instead of simply sitting this one out, this brave Dauntless girl runs away like a child, until her lungs burn, which (given her fitness level) is probably only about ten yards or so.

Roth's stereotyping reaches hitherto unattained heights when she declares all Erudite faction members, without exception, to be wearers of eye-glasses! I guess they’re not smart enough to have come up with a fix for eye problems, or even to wear contact lenses?

Triscuit's plan is to seek the advice of the Eyeglass faction which is in hiding at Amity. This is bordering on the insanely stupid because the Eyeglass-wearers have yet to prove that they have any smarts whatsoever as judged by their behavior in this novel so far, but they're logically stupid so that's all right then! They tell Triscuit that instead of storing the information she wishes to retrieve on a disk, she should just transmit it to the other factions over the network. Cara advises them that it will then be impossible to destroy, but I guess she's not so smart because whatever can be sent over the network can also be deleted over the network! Does Roth not know this?

As they're about to enter the Erudite compound, Triscuit chooses a taser because she's still terrified of guns. Roth tells us that her heart beats so hard that it marks each second. I can only conclude that either it isn't really beating that hard, or they must have remarkably short seconds in Roth World™.

Now the Erudite compound is surrounded by guards (for no apparent reason, unless the Erudite actually do know about the FAD invasion plan)! Scores of armed Candor drones surround the building! The FAD coalition blew it by delaying their assault, but at least now the attack can get good and bloody. Triscuit has to try and sneak in by some alternate stealthy means. Of course 'stealthy', in Roth’s dictionary, means shooting off a loud gun again and thereby destroying all hope of secrecy! This marks twice that Roth has made this glaring mistake.

They climb to a floor where they have a window opposite which, when broken, will allow them direct access across the alley to the Erudite building. They decide to use a device which will break windows sonically, but even though this device can shatter all the windows on both sides of the alley, they somehow feel they have to get it across to the other window rather than simply set it off on the window ledge where they're at. Note that despite the fact that the other building is very close by, the candor drones are apparently literally surrounding the building - not just blocking off the alley but right down there in the alley!

Now please prepare yourself for Le Stupide to be ramped up higher than you or I ever thought Roth capable, because she outdoes herself in the next few scenes. They get a ladder and use it as a bridge to the other window, then they toss the disk which shatters every window in both buildings all the way down to the ground. The mindless drones fire one shot each into the air and then resume their guarding duty, and not one single Erudite person looks out to see what the hell is going on with all these windows shattering!

They crawl across the ladder and enter the building, but when Fernando, the eyeglass-wearing Erudite (because you know it’s quite illegal to be Erudite sans eye-wear), puts his eyeglasses in his pocket, they promptly fall out and drop to the ground. The candor drones do not fire at the source of the noise (the glasses impacting the ground), but fire wildly up into the air, thereby killing Fernando! (Cue ABBA). When Triscuit arrives in the bathroom across the alley, a woman comes out of one of the stalls, and this genius accepts it as perfectly normal and even logical that fellow Erudites will shatter all windows and enter the building on the fifth floor or wherever they are, rather than use elevators or stairs. She happily romps off without even dreaming of raising any alarm!

Now recall that the entire complement of windows on this entire side of the building have been literally shattered. It starts to rain, and Triscuit is momentarily freaked out by the rain "hitting the window". WHAT WINDOW??? So the crew exits the bathroom, whereupon Triscuit remembers that she left her stunner in the bathroom - this is the Dauntless girl with Erudite extensions. She simply sighs, "Oh well" and toddles off without taking five seconds to recover her only weapon, thereby once again leaving herself unarmed in a crucially important situation. She's evidently given up on wearing a knife - I think that was because the silver of the blade conflicted with her Amity dress. It turns out that the Factionless-Dauntless attack was not set for three days hence after all, because, in a miraculous coincidence, it's taking place precisely at the same time that Triscuit and crew and breaking in! How delightfully convenient.

They find the control room, but they cannot access Jeanine's super secret info stash, since it’s not on those computers. The funny thing is that (you may recall) Toby-ass was scouting out the control rooms so they could be destroyed in the attack, yet despite both Edward and Tori, a Dauntless leader, being in the vicinity, there's not one single FAD person doing anything to the control room!

So they climb the stairs to try and reach the Jeanine's private office. This is Triscuit's logic: The information is precious to Jeanine, so let's not go to the highly secure lab; it's far more likely that she keeps this vitally important info in her unlocked office! They unexpectedly run into Edward on the stairs. I guess they weren't keeping an eye out for him! Even though he's on their side and has no idea what they’re up to, he refuses to let them up the stairs. They fight and Edward gets shot. Obviously he's not a patch on them. Upstairs, Triscuit enters the lab and is hit by a simulation where she has to fight herself. Despite all these delays, she still gets to Tori before Tori kills Jeanine! What was Tori doing all this time? Chatting her up? And how come Jeanine never destroyed the information before they arrived?

Since Triscuit tried to save Jeanine just long enough to figure out how to access the info on her computer, Tori immediately brands this girl (who she knows very well), as a traitor and without further ado, Triscuit is arrested! She begs Toby-ass to listen to her, but he's pissed, as he should be, for her lying to him. At that point she tries to have the conversation with him which she should have had two days ago, but gives up almost immediately, and clams-up completely in a flood of self pity instead of trying to convey the vital importance of this information!

So how does this end? Well it doesn't - it's open to volume 3, but the link is so abysmally weak that it doesn't even merit the name. Essentially the insanely valuable, super-secret file on Jeanine's computer is some chick popping up on a video and saying that, hey, guess what, there are people outside of Chicago and only the divergents can save you now! I am not kidding you. Does she give any details? Nope. Does she say exactly why the divergents are valuable, no! That's how completely FUBAR this volume is. By all means buy it so you can immediately recycle it. We can use the toilet paper.


Friday, May 24, 2013

Skinny Bitch in Love by Kim Barnouin






Title: Skinny Bitch in Love
Author: Kim Barnouin
Publisher: Knopf
Rating: warty

DISCLOSURE: Unlike the majority of reviews in this blog, I've neither bought this book nor borrowed it from the library. This is a "galley" copy ebook, supplied by Net Galley. I'm not receiving (nor will I expect to receive or accept) remuneration of any kind for this review. Since this is a new novel, this review is shorter so as not to rob the writer of her story, but even so, it will probably still be more detailed than you'll typically find elsewhere!


Skinny Bitch in love is told in the in the flirt person singular! A book critic, Paul Johnson, once wrote an article for the New Statesman reviewing the Ian Fleming novel Dr. No, a James Bond fable. The review slammed Fleming's work, and it was titled, Sex, snobbery and sadism" ("The New Statesman 5 April 1958). I could use the same title for this review, and the only adjustment I’d have to make is that of changing 'sadism' to 'masochism'.

I am the very last fan of pretentiousness, particularly when it comes to food and fashion, so this novel is not a no-brainer for me. I feel nauseated whenever I hear a French words substituted for a perfectly good English ones in those cultures: sous chef instead of under-cook, prêt-à-porter instead of off-the-rack, and so on. I even nauseated myself when I employed that very technique in a novel of my own Waterfall, though it was necessary there, in order to create a certain mood and atmosphere, primarily because that was, after all, an Anglo-French novel.

But when it comes to food, the English language has shown itself to be highly vulnerable to invasion. No one likes to eat dead pigs, but they love to pig out on pork! Butchered sheep is horrible, but mutton and lamb? No one would mind being fleeced for that, would they? Cow corpse is a turn off, but everyone has a steak in bar-B-Q! You see what I mean? Most us feel so guilty for slaughtering animals by the millions that we hide from it behind barricades of euphemism. This very real French disease is endemic.

Skinny Bitch in Love has a few too many tropes and clichés for my taste, and in the first dozen pages, too. There's the gay best friend, the woman who is so perfect but somehow her life is in the toilet, the overweight but canine-loyal and adorable best girlfriend, the injustice and betrayal, etc., but I chose to go with this because I wanted to know just what kind of a salad Barnouin had tossed here.

The protagonist, Clementine, is the under-cook at a vegan eatery which to me betrays everything about veganism by flaunting itself as snottily high class. I was a vegan at one time, when I was younger. I'm still a vegetarian (the only one in my family - immediate and extended), so I know a bit about the culture, its pros and cons, its bulls and bears and have a bit of a feel for how isolated Clementine must have felt as the story unfolded.

A high-class food critic visits the restaurant, and the food Clementine Cooper has worked so hard to prepare is sabotaged (there's another French word! The encroaching French-ism galls! Aargh!). Someone adds butter (a big no-no for vegans: anything derived from the animal kingdom is out, including dairy) to one of the dishes the critic is to sample. Emil, the owner of the restaurant hears immediately about this. Maybe he's psychic. He fires Clementine, and her gay friend Ty quits in sympathetic support. Shortly afterwards, she hears that Emil has fired the entire kitchen staff. Emil is a sadistic moron.

Clementine thinks a rival, Rain (there's a joke in there somewhere along the lines of "It never rains...", but let’s not go there), was the one who betrayed her, but Rain stopped that play, claiming Clementine is all wet. The butter was, after all, found at Clementine's own work station, and Clementine was evidently far too stupid to taste the food before serving it). Now Clementine is out of a job and resigned to the fact that she will never work in this town again - not in the food business, anyway. Now you understand one reason why I detest this food culture. So who sabotaged the meal? If I were writing this, it would be Ty just to break the mold (mold, kitchen? Hmm!), but I somehow doubt that Barnouin is going to diss her leading gay man. Maybe it actually was Clementine in an unconscious self-sabotage, to get her out of her rut. I honestly have no idea, because we spent so little time in the warm-up that it’s impossible to determine who in that kitchen is red-handed!

So Clementine decides to resurrect herself after failing to find work at a dozen snotty eateries where she applied. She decides to promote herself as a vegan personal chef and cooking guide, and she prepares fliers. Now this is all taking place in LA, BTW, so it does fly, but I'm far form convinced that posting this particular kind of flier on light poles was the best choice of venue. She did garner one response. Unfortunately it was from her ex-boyfriend of six months ago, over whom she still has painful feelings. He did pay her over two thousand dollars to teach him how to cook and to prepare a bunch of meals, but she had to put up with seeing him pretty much make out with the woman to whom he was planning on becoming married (yes, I know it’s far quicker to say fiancée, but that necessitates using another...aargh! Too late! I already let another mal mot slip in! Double aargh!

Clementine's next plan is to start a cooking class. She posts more fliers and gets three responders, including her roommate, at $400 a pop for a six week course (it's actually a six-day course, one per week). One major problem I noticed is that despite her being a chef and talking about preparing food all the time, not one recipe ever shows up in th novel! Not in the ebook, anyway!

So the first night of the class she has a librarian turn up who seems interested in Sara, and a woman who obsesses about her name being Eva, not Eves, not Evie, etc. Nicely done there - forcing us to focus on Eva's first name takes attention away from her last name! The class is interrupted by noises outside and Clementine discovers that someone is opening a steakhouse directly across the street and hanging a huge sign across from her window! Like an idiot, she goes over to complain about the sign and gets nowhere, of course, but the owner, who has the entirely original name of Zach follows her back over and signs up for her class (but never attends). He also hires her to create two vegan meals for his restaurant and pays her whatever she asks for her time.

Here's where this story goes rapidly down hill. The instant Zach arrives, Clementine devolves from a person I was half-way to liking, into a microcephalic teenager, feeling tingles in her extremities which in the real world would actually be an early-warning that some sort of circulatory malfunction is about to ensue. Oh, and I'm now convinced that I'm reading young adult fiction. But it gets worse! It always does when it goes there, doesn't it? Well, not always, but all-too-often.

So Zach is insistent that Clementine visit him at his home in the evening to cook these two meals so he can taste them before he accepts them as fare for his restaurant; then his phone rings and he's talking to someone he refers to as "Baby" on the phone. Clementine, readily led by the nose as she is, goes to his home - the home of this guy who she doesn't even remotely know, and who is well over six feet and probably weighs three times what she does. She starts preparing the meals, and they talk and then completely uninvited, He kisses her and she doesn't even make a deal out of it.

I'm sorry, but Clementine lost my interest and good will right there and then. This isn't a woman who is asking for trouble, this is a woman who is writing a scented invitation on vellum, with calligraphy, begging for a grease-trap full of trouble to come and shave her ass with a large-bladed meat slicer. They kiss again, and then "Baby" shows up - a hawt young woman who immediately and loudly announces that she'll wait for Zach upstairs in the bedroom, and he follows her like a butch in heat not even having the couth to remotely attempt the requisite placation of Clementine! And we know that Clementine will not learn her lesson. This novel isn't Skinny Bitch in Love, it's strutting, red-ass displaying, shameless and concupiscent Skinny Bitch in torrid heat.

I have some issues with Barnouin trying to anglify Alexander. I've never heard anyone refer to a a 12-year-old as a "bloke". But once I get on this kind of kick I can't stop, so let me mention one other writing issue and then move on. Barnouin describes what Clementine and Alexander do on their first date, and she mentions that they sat and "people watched". It was misleading and would have been better as "people-watched", so it actually conveyed that they were watching people as opposed to passers-by staring at them! Just a minor thing, but this is a writing blog as well as a reading blog so I’d be remiss if I didn’t pick up on these things!

I have a problem with Clementine's rejection of Alexander. Yes, you can write your character with whatever quirks you like and it would be insane to make every character the same, and have all of them perfect, but unless Barnouin really wants to render Clementine as one of the shallowest airhead female characters imaginable, is it actually necessary to have her decide that because her toes don’t physically tingle when they kiss, then she should peremptorily ditch Alexander as a prospect even though he's the best guy for her on present showing? If it’s the case that she's going to bow down to Zach the Bastard, as she's consistently doing so far, then I can only conclude that Clementine is a moron who deserves all she gets. Women like her are why other women end up saddled with a bad rep from guys.

It gets worse. The next cooking class descends into the girls giving Duncan the librarian advice about how to stalk his ex. Seriously?! The only way to deal with an ex is to let them go and move on. Most of us learn that the hard way. Clementine has learned it, but seems incapable of passing on that hard-won knowledge. Red roses arrive and they all think it's a gift from Alexander the Gray Area, but even I knew they were from Zach the Bastard - because, of course, every woman is so weak and dumb that she can not only be manipulated with pretty-pretty, but also bought and paid for with it. At least, that's the message Barnouin apparently wants you to take home.

The flowers work, of course, and Clementine is now Zach the Bastard's zombie for life. He dictates to her when, where, and how they will meet again (and he does this routinely) and Clementine she falls right into line and sees no problem with subjecting herself to this dictatorship. It was at this point that I wanted to delete this ebook, and go vomit, but I initially decided to stick with it to the halfway point and if it was no better by then, it would merit a warty! Curiously enough that means I need to read 69 more pages: how deliciously appropriate for Clementine's mentality! I entertained the idea of asking my wife to read this and give me her opinion, but my feeling is that she would reject this novel out of hand without even pretending she wanted to read it.

Clementine's dad gets sick, so her cooking session with Zach, which is about to devolve into her laying down for him, no questions asked, is over. Zach the Bastard offers to drive her to the hospital! Nicely calculated move. He sure has the vegan wool substitute pulled squarely over Clementine's eyes. So Clementine's dad is lying sick in the hospital bed, he might be slowly dying, yet the first thought Clementine has is to leave him and go find Zach, and then hang out at a bar with him instead of being with her sick father, lending moral support to her mom and her sister. I'm wondering who is more sick - Clementine or her father? I definitely do not like this woman now.

This scene actually made me acutely aware that Clementine is always in the servile position of going to find Zach; he's never looking for her. He merely sits and waits on her running after him, like he's the King of Siam. Don't worry, you'll bringer....

Well, now the only topic of conversation at Clementine's cooking classes is endless endless ENDLESS tales of Zach the Bastard. I'm sorry but this is nauseating. I sincerely hope that women in general have far going for them than disporting themselves like adolescent fangirls of wretched lechers, but that's the message Barnouin seems to be so desperately and dedicatedly endeavoring to implant within our minds: women have no existence outside of how they can serve and worship men, and they should not expect any such existence because really, they don’t have any right to one, do they?

Clementine flips off Alexander - now they're just good friends and Alexander apparently has so little self-esteem that he's fine with that. How many women have put how many guys through that? And how many guys return the favor? The short answer to those questions is: too many. Meanwhile at cooking class, the 75% of the class which has two X chromosomes agrees to stalk Duncan's ex girlfriend on his behalf. How sick is that? They complete their mission and determine that Duncan is SoL, but on their way out of the bar, they espy Zach the Bastard with his arm comfortably around a woman he's escorting somewhere.

Clementine agonizes over Zach the Bastard, expends not one single thought on her sick father. She has to learn from her sister Elizabeth that her father is on the mend! But of course that's not important because she has a plan for a new restaurant just a few doors down from where she lives. She focuses on how pretty it will look when it’s cleaned (by Sara) and decorated (by Ty). She evidently doesn’t plan on doing a thing herself save directing the others on what to do, and she gives not one ounce of thought to parking.

At least Barnouin has the cultural class to bring in Doctor Who! Props for that! It did perk up my interest briefly. Alexander calls her asking if she’ll bake and decorate some four dozen Doctor Who cupcakes for his sister's wedding. His sister is called Sabine. Really. After watching an ep of Nikita (3.2) last night in which Seymour unexpectedly impersonates a Dalek, I'm again amazed by how deeply this show has penetrated the psyche in the US.

Anyway, moving right along here! Sara is a fan of Doctor Who, so now I'm thinking: who really cares about Skinny Bitch? I want to read a novel about Normally-Proportioned Sara! How many times have you read a novel where the main character has a best friend and you find yourself wanting to read about the best friend rather than the main character? I find I'm doing that a bit more than I might have imagined I would since I've been reading YA novels lately. And after reading the disastrous Insurgent and now this, both in the first person, I have to reaffirm my decision to never read another first person YA or romance novel. Although I’ll probably be forced to break that resolution when something really cool pops up. If it ever pops up.

Clementine inexplicably resorts to avoiding Zach the Bastard. Not that she shouldn't avoid him in the long run, but after all that crap about stalking Duncan's ex, and advising her to close with Duncan, she now avoids closing with Zach the Bastard? What level of hypocrite is Clementine? She needs to tell him to drop dead, and then avoid him. Zach the Bastard is an expert at womanipulation though: he now resorts to employing Clementine's sick dad in order to force a response from her! And of course she comes to heel like a good dog.

A serious problem I have with Clementine is that she's so shallow that she lets that first kiss with Alexander dictate her whole attitude towards him. How pathetic is this woman? She acts like she's half her own age, and she's only 26. If Barnouin was actually going to get Clementine and Alexander together, then I’d have more respect for this novel, but having read what I've read so far, I have no faith in Barnouin's ability or intent to make that happen.

Zach the Bastard tells Clementine that the redhead he had his arm around is his fraternal twin sister. Okay. Again with the fraternal. Why is she his brotherly sister?! This isn't a fault of Barnouin's, of course, but it is a serious problem with our heavily gender-biased language. Note that I say gender-biased, not sex-biased, because sex has a host of baggage associated with it, which is also highly gender-biased. Pet peeve - what can I say?!

So Clementine goes to eat on the beach with Zach the Bastard and she dresses sexily, and pretty much wants to drop her panties right there in the sand. This reminds me of that old cartoon where a woman is buried in the sand and some enterprising guy asks her, "What's in it for me if I dig you out?", and her response is "Sand!" (and no, I'm not going to explain that for you!). On the beach, Clementine pretty much lets Zach the Bastard poke and prod her like he;s tenderizing meat, which, I guess, he is. She lets him get away with the most inappropriate things, given how young and tenuous their relationship is at this point. This is after she's had the hypocrisy to get on her friend Sara's case for jumping Duncan's bones! This is Duncan the Librarian who evidently read her like an open book and who might well be planning on returning her to the shelf now that they've had sex! How bad is it that I'm far more interested in how Clementine's business plans turn out, than ever I could be in what happens to that waste of a relationship called Zach the Bastard?

Unfortunately, Barnouin is trying to win me over by showing what a wonderful half-brother Zach the Bastard is. They go indoors, and as he and Clementine (who is all but down on her hands and knees, head buried in the couch, butt in the air for him like a Skinny Bitch in heat), there comes another knock at the door. It’s his punk half-sister Jolie, and her punk boyfriend Rufus, who have been cut off without a cent (I almost wrote scent there, but I figured most people wouldn’t get it) by their father, who's on his third wife (not literally, I assume, but in this novel who knows?), because she won't go to college - she wants to be an actor instead, and Rufus is in a band, of course.

So the night ends right there because Zach the Bastard, who instantaneously paid for three hotel rooms without asking, and Clem, who acquiesces to every whim he has, could not possibly, no way, no how, go to a hotel for the night - or part of it - and her reputation as easy is pretty much painted on her forehead by now, so why not? Without even showing her the respect of asking, Zach the Bastard dumps his 18 year old half-sister completely on Clementine and Sara for the next day, and Clementine meekly tugs her forelock and acquiesces. And so does Sara, but she makes Clementine come along on her audition that next morning because, since this is first person, we can’t really see what’s going on unless Clementine inexplicably goes along. So now I'm wondering who will get the job in the commercial: Clementine, Jolie, or both? I know where my money is.

I won the bet for once! Sara failed, Jolie got a call-back! And Zach the Bastard's cheap-ass attempt to dissuade her from getting married, getting her own apartment, and going into acting was a 100% failure on all fronts. So Zach the Bastard comes over and dumps on Clementine. He makes it clear that he thought that her crappy hovel of an apartment and her slow-lingering-death of a 'business', together with her lifestyle in general would completely turn Jolie off, but it had the opposite effect! Despite this insulting, rude and callous behavior, Clementine doesn’t even have the self-respect to throw him out of her apartment! He leaves in a childish fit of anger. Will she now dump this low-life jerk-off? I wouldn’t put Monopoly money on it. He'll apologize, send flowers or something, and she'll come running back to him, lay down, and spread her legs. This is an abusive relationship, and normally I’d feel bad for Clementine, but she's such a dumb, clueless, and shallow Skinny Bitch that I can’t find a lick of compassion for her. I can't. I honestly can't.

And this leaves me with a dilemma, because I really like Sara and Jolie and want to see what happens to them. So do I finish this or erase it now? Only Time will tell! Or maybe Newsweek! Hey: Fascinating idiom of the day: "...I waste fuel emissions." What the heck does that mean?!

I find it of note that Barnouin can embrace the French tongue when it comes to 'sous chef', but not when it comes to 'chaise longue'. She writes the fingernails-on-a-chalkboard 'chaise lounge'. Interesting. And so Clementine and Zach the Bastard finally leap into bed together without a thought or a word for STDs and condoms, because, of course, then it wouldn’t be smart fiction, would it now?

I decided to read this novel to the bitter end, not because of any merit intrinsic to the work itself, but because it would be unfair to Barnouin to reject this out of hand when I read all the way through the utterly detestable Insurgent (and especially since I specifically identified an ABBA song in that review, "Fernando", and that same song is identified in Barnouin's novel; what a weird coincidence!). This novel is much better written than Insurgent could ever hope to be, so props to Barnouin for her writing style, but it is equally dissatisfying in one respect: the female protagonist. I could neither root for her, nor wish her well when this vegan so willingly lays her neck on the butcher's block of an abusive romance which itself smells like rancid meat.

But I've written more than enough spoilers for this review, so no more of those! It’s Barnouin's story to tell, not mine after all. I did press on nails-on-chalkboard notwithstanding, and finished it despite having very little faith that I would really get any more about Sara or Jolie, but I had hope - which of course was dashed. What I didn’t know was if I could stand was to read even one more page about how big of a flimsy, threadbare doormat Clementine is for Zach the Bastard and how unrelentingly ineducable he truly is to her needs. Yes, it’s said that true love is work, but if it’s this much work you need to find a new career while your self respect is salvageable. I could never comport Clementine's self-respect in wanting to succeed on her own in her business with the complete absence of any self-respect in her relationship with Zach the Bastard. But you know what I really didn’t get? Why did Zach the Bastard even need a dog when he had a Skinny Bitch who would come to heel at his every whistle?

In summary, let me suffice to say that Zach the Bastard maintains his reputation, and Clementine is so stupid that she thinks Zach the Bastard is "complicated"! She has a perfect in with Alexander but treats him like he's a large portion of nothing, whilst simultaneously lying to herself that nothing about Zach the Bastard is easy! Her co-dependent relationship with this jerk is like a friendship between two spoiled thirteen year olds. It’s not remotely mature, but worse than that, it’s not even interesting; neither is it entertaining because it’s entirely predictable from the start, no matter how much of a nauseating roller-coaster ride is included in the fee. The relationship between Jolie and her fiancé Rufus is much more mature and far more engrossing. Even Sara's non-relationship held more raw entertainment value than anything that was written about Clementine's interactions with Zach the Bastard.

I cannot recommend this novel. It's an insult to thinking, self-respecting women.