Author: Chris Ryall
Publisher: IDW
Rating: worthy
Illustrator: Gabriel Rodriguez, based on the screenplay by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary.
This is a movie/novel tie-in. The movie is reviewed here, but since the novel is taken directly from the screenplay, it's pretty much the same review!
As in the movie (which this novel follows really closely for good reason!), but which is illustrated independently, the story begins with the aging King Hrothgar extemporizing on how successful and generous a king he is, as his Thane people make merry in the great mead hall, named Heorot by Hrothgar. Everything had a name back then; these guys probably named each dump they took and the farting which accompanied it. And they were real manly farts, too, not the flutter-blasts we call farts nowadays.
Unfortunately, they seem to have short attention spans, having forgotten about Grendel, an anguished, tortured, and horribly deformed son of a dragon (and in that he's the same as Vlad Drakul, who inspired the Dracula story, but in Grendel's case, it’s a real dragon). Grendel's diseased hearing is so sensitive that he can hear the merry-making from miles away. He's drawn from his cavern (where the Beatles would never have been allowed to play) by it, and wreaks havoc upon the Thanes, but he won't fight Hrothgar who, we learn later is his dad. Oddly, when Hrothgar is face-to-face with the giant Grendel, he fails to stab him. You know how useless those Thanes are! I tell you! If you want a manly job done, get a Geat. It takes a real Geat to stand-up to a bullying Grendel.
And guess what? The Geats arrive, fronted by Beowulf, a legendary warrior even in his own time. He arrives for the express purpose of taking on Grendel. As they introduce one another and start partying as only Thanes and Geats know how, it becomes apparent that all is not well between Hrothgar and his wife Wealtheow. Hrothgar goes to bed and Beowulf strips down for action, but not for the action you might think. He wants to get naked not to wrassle with Wealtheow but with Grendel in the Greek manner, as only a real man can. Wo-pah Hellas-style! And his wish is granted.
Grendel ignores warnings from his mother, dragon that she is, and attacks once again, tearing off men's heads and drinking their guts as only the son of a dragon can do. Beowulf gets down and dirty with him, and manages to snaggle Grendel in a chain used to hold up the primitive Thane chandeliers (I'll bet the Geats had better chandeliers, too). Grendel is pathetic now, so much in pain that I began to feel bad for him, especially when his arm was torn off. That really brings him down to size, and he's no longer (indeed, much shorter) a giant.
I guess the writer of the Beowulf saga had seen more than one warrior die after losing an arm, because he considers this to be a sure sign of Grendel's death, and a victory for Beowulf. Unfortunately, there's the mother of all consequences to deal with, and after a stealth attack, Beowulf wakes to find all his men killed and hung from the ceiling. He visits the cavern and returns, claiming victory, and tossing Grendel's head onto the floor, which nets him a drinking horn of gold from Hrothgar. He says not a word about meeting the butt-naked dragon, now in the form of a skinny and yet voluptuous maiden, but with prehensile hair and high heels: literally! Her heels are stilettos.
Beowulf does not tell them that he gave her the drinking horn and a lot more to boot - or rather, to bootie, talking of horns. He evidently also granted her wish that he swive with her to create Grendel 2.0, which was supposed to fix the bugs inherent in the disastrous and hastily released Grendel 1.0. Beowulf lies with Grendel's mom, and he also lies that all is now well.
Hrothgar the Bizarre, who has no issue (except a few with his wife, jealous of his liaison with Grendel's mom, but none of the heir-apparent variety), precipitously decides to name Beowulf his son and heir, and to throw, nay hurl, himself from the top of the manly cliffs, leaving Beowulf king. It’s about Thane! Evidently having no pressing engagements at home, Beowulf instead presses his suit for an engagement to Wealtheow; then we're swept years into the future, where we find the snappy couple turning grey in their twilight (or is it breaking dawn?) years, and childless. Wealtheow has refused to grant him an heir for the same reason she refused Hrothgar - all that swiving with Grendel's Mom, who is evidently the original Stiffler's Mom…. Beowulf, manly man that he is, has taken a concubine, but he has no issue with her either, even though she evidently takes no issue with him.
One day the golden horn returns to the mead hall. Someone had found it lying around and brought it back, thereby breaking the original agreement between Beowulf and Grendel's Mom, and unleashing Grendel 2.0 which comes with a free dragon mod. Despite Beowulf's attempts to return the horn and restore peace, Grendel's Mom will be neither swayed nor swived. If anyone says she was, it’s an old swive's tale, rest assured. She allows the dragon to attack.
In a story reminiscent of the New Testament, Beowulf manages to rip out the heart out of his only begotten son, sacrificing him to save mankind, but the Satan-like falling dragon kills Beowulf in turn. The movie ends with Wiglaf, Beowulf's number 2, not only feeling like number two at the loss of his companion and friend, but also holding tightly to his golden horn as he stares at Grendel's hot mom out on the ocean, saying "fare swell" to Beowulf's body. Is Wiglaf going to dive and swive, or will it just be a wigging and a laugh? The question is left open.
I rate this graphic novel a worthy read.
