"In Aza's world," What's her last name? Kadabra? "...magic - known as casting" of course it is - so we can try to have a super cool new buzzword instead of the tried and tested ones that have gone before? Yawn. I already dislike this pretentious story. Now if Caster was drilled for oil, it might be amusing.
Sunday, September 26, 2021
Screams from the Void by Anne Tibbets
Note the not-so-subtle play on the Alien movie catchphrase - In space, no one can hear you scream? "When a strange biological creature jumps aboard the space freighter Demeter, Raina and the crew must fight for their lives - and avoid turning on one another in the process." Can you say 'unimaginative Alien clone'? Yawn. And what is meant by 'biological creature' exactly? As opposed to what other sort of a creature? LOL! If it's artifical, call it a robot. Duhh!
Primary Command by Jack Mars
The unimaginative military title warned me off reading this one. "After a mission to rescue American hostages on a submarine goes sideways, Delta Force veteran Luke Stone" stop right there. Yet another hard-bitten special forces guy with a name like stone, or steel or cage? Barf. Count me out. You ain't gonna hold me hostage to a tired, retreaded storyline that's already been done to death. And why Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs? Don't answer that. I really don't care.
An American Bullet by John Stonehouse
"When a train and car collide during a Colorado winter storm, US Marshal John Whicher comes to assist a local officer on board - only to discover that his contact has disappeared into thin air. A breathless standalone in a series." How is it a stabndalone, exactly, if it's in a series? Wait, Colorado? Thin air? Breathless? Is this a joke? And why 'An American bullet'? Are we so insecure that we need to ram 'American' in front of everything? Stonehouse apparently is because this is the second one of this that I've non-reviewed and that had 'American' in front of the title too! A better title would have been 'Trackless', or 'Crossed Lines', or even, 'Bullet train', but none of thsoe really go well with 'American'.... Yawn.
Murder at the Beacon Bakeshop by Darci Hannah
"The grand opening of Lindsey Bakewell's new pastry shop" - wait, the baker is called Bakewell? Seriously? "...goes horribly wrong, leaving her ex's girlfriend dead - and Lindsey as the main suspect. Now she has to catch a killer to clear her name." That's actually not how it works. She has to be found guilty in a court of law. She doesn't have to prove anything. But this exact plot has been baked to a crisp already. Yawn.
Driven by Dane Cobain
"When a young woman is killed in London and the police insist it was a tragic accident, private detective James Leipfold is sure there’s more to the story — and teams up with his crossword-loving intern Maile O’Hara to crack the case." Why in the name of all that's actual fuck would he team up with a crossword lover? I mean for fuck's sake! What does he do, exactly? Feed her the clues in the from of crossword challenges, and she imemdiately solves them? One down and two to go? Pathetic.
Beezley and the Witch - Books 1-3 by Willow Mason
"Excommunicated from her coven, down on her luck, and in desperate need of funds — what’s a witch to do?" Use her witchcraft to magic up some money and a nice home. Otherwise what the fuck use is this power? Yawn.
Boneshaker by Cherie Priest
"Ezekiel Wilkes’s father invents a cutting-edge drilling machine — but when it tragically malfunctions, he’s blamed for creating a zombie-ridden wasteland...." So a purported steampunk novel that once again, isn't about steampunk at all, but about a zombie apocalypse. Yawn.
The Pillars of Enoch by David S Brody
Talking of tired plots: "After telling historian Cameron Thorne about a hidden, ancient stone tablet, an elderly man is murdered." No. There's nothing in any ancient stone tablet that can be Earth-shattering, or that can bring down a religion (short of all its adherents committing suicide), or that is even remotely problematic for the modern world. It's bullshit, and this storyline has been cloned far too many times. Yawn.
Blindsighted by Karin Slaughter
I've never had a shred of good luck reading this author, which is why I won't touch her novels any more, but the issue here is how unoriginal this plot sounds. Author Tess Gerritson (who I have heard of for once!) claims Slaughter is "one of the boldest thriller writers working today” and I guess this is because of how uninventive and unimaginative her plots are. The blurb says: "When a young professor is murdered in a small town, coroner Sara Linton discovers her past could hold the key to catching the killer" so this is yet another in a tedious line of retreaded stories where the protagonist has a troubled past which holds the key to catching a killer. Seriously? This is tired; so very tired.
Switched by Amanda Hocking
Amanda Hocking was once the darling of the publishing world, rising from self-publishing her stories to the New York Times bestseller list. We're told this novel has some 34,000 five-star (Amazon-owned-)Goodreads ratings, so the question is, why is she reduced to flogging it for two bucks in a discount book flyer? The blurb has it that "Years after her mother tried to kill her, Wendy discovers she’s a changeling — and now someone has arrived to take her home to an unfamiliar world… This richly imagined fantasy is first in a trilogy!" Of course it is because why not milk an unoriginal idea for every penny you can get (hence the two-buck deal, I guess). From what I understand about the book, never having read a word of Hocking's writing, this story is pure authorial wish fulfilment from start to finish (which probably explains the lack of a plot), and both main characters are bad tropes as well as complete jerks. So no, just no.
The Worst Best Man by Mia Sosa
This is "Rom-com perfection" according to Entertainment Weekly, we're told, which in turn tells me everything I need to know about about how utterly useless they are when it comes to gaging the quality of a novel. The tedious blurb says, "After wedding planner Lina is left at the altar, the job opportunity of a lifetime falls into her lap. There’s just one catch: She’ll have to work alongside Max — her ex’s infuriating brother!" How many fucking times has this EXACT SAME STORY been told? The left at the altar horseshit, the suppsoedly new life, the infuriating someone? Seriously? Get a fucking clue and come up with something original. For. Fuck's. Sake.
Saturday, September 25, 2021
A Tale of Two Murders by Heather Redmond aka Heather Hiestand aka Anh Leod
"Book one in a series" of curse it is. "In 1830s London, young Charles Dickens is an ambitious journalist on the rise — but after a dreadful murder, he must team up with his boss’s daughter, charming Kate Hogarth, to search for a killer." Barf. Another abuse of historical figures. No wonder the dipshits at Kirkus thought that "Mystery fans and history buffs alike should cheer." Their approval is enough to put me of any book for life.
Expelled by Ell Leigh Clarke
"When Jayne Austin’s" Seriously? "...shocking discovery gets her kicked out of spy school," what - she discovered she was still a virgin? "...she starts an agency of her own — but her first case could decide the fate of the planet!" Could it be any more melodramatic? Assholes who write these spastic, spittle-inflected book blurbs need to step it down. Not everything can be continually shocking and explosive even when you're trying to sell an unimaginative and derivative novel. You know, people are only neophilic for a time, then the novelty wears off and they become varetophobic, so if you're using these same overly-dramatic terms constantly, how long do you honestly think the novelty and impact is going to last? Never mind I ought to be asking that of intellgent people which excludes you fucktards.
Pleasant Grove by Jason Price
"Twelve-year-old Agnes lives in Pleasant Grove, a lovely small town surrounded by a glass dome. No one is allowed in or out, but when a mysterious and amnesic boy arrives in town, can Agnes discover where he’s from — and what he knows?" If no one is allowed in or out, how the fuck does Amnesiac Boy get in? This is one more in a long and tedious line of trapped maidens being rescued by St George. Yawn.
The Thorn Princess by Bekah Harris
"First in a series" - of course it is, because why wrote one dumb-ass novel when you can clone it endlessly into a series?! "When Ivy meets enigmatic transfer student Barrett," so this is yet another YA novel where the girl is dumb and useless until a guy saves her. Fuck this shit.
Snowflakes at the Little Christmas Tree Farm by Jaimie Admans
"After a few too many glasses of wine, Leah awakens" so Leah is a Lush, "...to discover she’s accidentally purchased a Christmas tree farm in Scotland!" and a dumb-ass. But it gets worse: "A getaway to rural Elffield" Elf Field? Really? "...might be just what Leah needs to distract herself from her cheating ex" If he's her ex, then how is it cheating? If he cheated before, then it's understandable given that she's a lush who impulse buys farms when drunk. Jeeze! Shes lucky he stayed with her as long as he did. He was more than likely driven to distration by her appalling and out-of-control behavior. But guess what? This asshole is rewarded because "she meets handsome pumpkin farmer Noel" Yep, but Noel (seriously - in a Christmas story this is the best name you got?) is looking so pie-eyed at the pumpkin farmer that she doesn't realize he really is a pumpkin that one of those elves has enchanted. When his pump(kin) ejaculates, Leah finds out just how seedy he is.... The amusing thing is that this isn't the dumbest idea this author has had!
Dream Casters: Light by Adrienne Woods
"When a high school prank goes terribly awry, Chastity learns that" she's no longer a virgin? The convent won't accept her application? Murdering a fellow student, even accidentally, is a "bad thing?" Dream Topping isn't a sexual position? Who cares though, really?
Just Desserts by GA McKevett
"When a murder rocks California, sassy Southern-bred detective Savannah Reid must sort through the suspects to make sure the killer gets their just desserts" Seriously? Could you be any more of a cliché? Since she's southern, she's named Savannah and she's sassy? Barf.
The Accidental Beauty Queen by Teri Wilson
This isn't so much the accidental beauty queen as it is the intentional fraud. "When her twin, Ginny, falls sick the night before a beauty pageant, shy librarian Charlotte must take her place in a glitzy run for the crown." If they were sisters but not twins that might have made for a decent story, but do we really want our hero to be thoroughly deceptive and dishonest?
In Your Dreams by Julia Kent
"After ditching her boyfriend when she found out he was actually married, Laura starts having passionate, pleasure-filled dreams that involve two men." So his wanting two women is a no-no, but her wanting two men is a dream? Barf!
The Burning Girls by CJ Tudor
"After Reverend Jack Brooks" Stop right there. Another dipshit story with a main character named Jack. GET A CLUE!
Finding Joy by Adriana Herrera
"When Dominican American emergency relief worker Desta spends 12 weeks in Addis Ababa, he meets Elias, an Ethiopian doctoral student. Can the two risk everything to build a future together?" What the fuck, exactly, are they risking? And who is Joy? LOL! Shouldn't it be titled "Finding Elias"?! Another dumbass book description with the bonus of a questionable title.
A Pepper Brooks Mystery Collection: Books 1–3 by Eryn Scott
"Bookish amateur sleuth Pepper Brooks uses her knowledge to solve murders based on the works of Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Austen." WTF? "With the help of a handsome library clerk" (barf) "and a dog named Hamburger," (double barf) "can she read between the lines and crack the cases?" Why must she? Are the police useless? And how is Jane Austen, with so little sense and sensibility, and much pride and prejudice, going to help her solve the crime? It's a three day blow, all sound and fury, signifying nothing.
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