"Multimillionaire, champion cycler, and extremely gorgeous — these are just a few ways to describe Clifford Du Frey. But there’s one thing that most people don’t know about the famous athlete: He’s in love with art student Gabe O’Reilly. Can their relationship survive a media frenzy...." And there's a media frenzy why, exactly? Fifty years ago this plot would have been cutting-edge. Now, it's just...yawn.
Showing posts with label Non-Review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Non-Review. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 9, 2021
Mindspeak by Heather Sunseri
"Lexi can influence people’s thoughts — a power she’s kept hidden for years. But when newcomer Jack heals her broken arm with his touch, Lexi is thrown into a world of danger and deadly conspiracy." Right, because Lexi is useless unless she's validated by the mysterious Jack-ass, who has the most over-used, clichéd 'goto-guy' name in literary history. Barf. Why would I want to read a novel where the book blurb makes it crystal clear that the author has absolutely no imagination or originality?
Big Girl Panties by Stephanie Evanovich
"When her husband dies, Holly is at her lowest point — and her highest weight. Trainer Logan helps her get back into shape, but what happens when the rest of the world starts noticing her, too?" Another fat-shaming novel where a female author who should know better tells every woman that she's useless unless she conforms to a white men's skin-deep beauty "norm". Forget the kind of person she is. Forget whether she's intelligent, companionable, capable, reliable, trustworthy, or can contribute in any other way. No. This is just about a woman's true worth according to this author: how attractive she is. Barf
Ever Shade by Alexia Purdy
"Fire-wielding faeries, a sinister queen, and a perilous mission through an enchanted land — join Shade as she battles evil and discovers her own extraordinary magic!" No thanks. I can't get with any author who's too chickenshit to call them fairies. Barf.
The Love Bet by GL Tomas
"Magazine journalist Luz knows plenty about sex and hookups — after all, that’s her specialty. But when she’s assigned to write a column for Valentine’s Day, she decides to use the opportunity to answer a question: Will three nights of mind-blowing sex cause a person to fall in love?" How is she going to have anything going on in her mind if it's blown? This story is brain-dead, period. Barf.
A Girl's Guide to Vampires by Katie MacAlister
So rather than think up something original, this author clones "Twilight." Here's the asinine blurb: "Dating is hard." How exactly is dating hard" If it's hard you're doing it wrong, period, but how would this brain-dead YA character ever figure that out? "But as Joy Randall is about to find out, dating a centuries-old vampire is even harder!" And why would a centuries old vampire have the slightest interest in a teenager other than pure lust? That would be like a forty-year-old guy taking a romantic interest in a newborn. Imagine a ninety-year old dating a teenager and then multiply the ninety by three or four and see how much that grosses you out. That's this story. This author is evidently utterly clueless and has not an original bone in her body judged by her cookie-cutter approach to novel-writing.
Once Upon a Power Play by Jennifer Bonds / Good Guy by Kate Meader
Once Upon a Power Play by Jennifer Bonds
"After her latest relationship ends via text, Chloe Jacobs decides to swear off men altogether." This tells me she's an asshole for two reasons. First that she'd get involved with a guy like that, and second that she makes such a childish declaration. "But arrogant, drop-dead gorgeous hockey player" What's with the fucking hockey player obsession? "Ryan Douglas might tempt her to break her rule" Sorry, my bad. She's an asshole for three reasons because she's going to get right back into the same sort of abusive relationship that just failed so catastrophically. Chloe is an irremediable asshole and I sure as hell have no interest in reading about a clueless jerk-off like her.
AND
Good Guy by Kate Meader
"Military veteran turned hockey star Levi" There is it again. What's with the obsessive compulsive hockey player? Barf. What this tells me is that there are far too many female authors out there who have szero creativity and no imagination. Why is that? What are they afraid of? Missing a sale if they write something truly original?
American Christmas by Adriana Herrera
"Yin and Ari are celebrating their first Christmas together — and they’ve got some big ideas for presents. But when a holiday disaster ensues, both men are reminded that their love is the best gift of all." That may be all well and good, but why is it an American Christmas? There are some fifty nations, territories, and protectorates in the Americas. It's not just the USA. So my question is: are we so insecure that we have to nail this to a nationality or are we so arrogant and self-centered that only an American Christmas is worth telling a story about? Either way this is a fail. There are so many other ways this title could have played out. I'm just sorry this author wasn't imaginative enough to think of one.
Monday, November 8, 2021
The Austen Playbook by Lucy Parker
No wonder the morons at Kirkus's Last Stand thought this was "witty and compelling" so rumor has it. It's another tedious, unimaginative, uninventive, retreaded, cookie-cutter clone of Jane Austen. Why wouldn't they think it was sparkling? Barf! You know when it's evidently your policy to positively review everything that's out there, your reviews are utterly useless, right? Well, they don't know that at Kirkussed. Here's the idiot blurb: "Freddy is the star of a live-action TV show" Right - because naming your female star with a guy's name is witty and compelling and has never been done before. And of course it's "...based on Jane Austen’s novels" because why not? There's absolutely no point in doing any actual work when you can just repurpose antique romance novels. "...but she’s having trouble concentrating on her lines, especially when handsome, arrogant critic Griff is hanging around the set." Oh look - the infuriatingly handsome trope, and the enemies who fall in love trope, both on the same story! How witty and compelling. This author evidently does not have an original bone in her entire body. Yawn.
Ransom by Laramie Briscoe
"Even though Stella has known him her whole life, she’s never given Ransom much thought." Ransom? Seriously? Barf. "But after the daring K-9 handler comes to her rescue, she begins to see him in a new light...." What a fucking moron Stella must be. And how misnamed! Maybe she'll pay a Ransom for sex? Yawn.
The Rage of Dragons by Evan Winter
"Sent into a war that has been waging for almost two centuries, Tau is confronted with death - and vows to become the greatest swordsman alive." Oh wow! What a sterling ambitiion. I am so excited by this book. Barf. Can anyone say George...ah...ah...Martin rip-off?
Real Food, Fake Food by Larry Olmsted
"...an award-winning journalist reveals shocking secrets and deceptions behind common foods" This is shocking only to those morons who don't care what they put into their mouths, and who would never actually read a book like this anyway. Yawn.
Thomas Jefferson by Robert McDonald
Because if there's one thing this world needs right now, it's yet another biography of unreprentant slave owner Jefferson. "Thomas Jefferson was a Founding Father and president" Like we don't know that already to the Nth degree? Yawn.
Hunter Killer by David Poyer
Seriously? Hunter Killer? That's the best title you got? "As war between the US and China rages, admiral Dan Lenson is tasked with clearing the sea lanes around Guam and taking back an island that’s under Chinese control. Can he succeed — and give the downtrodden Allied forces a fighting chance?" Is that a serious question, or does the book blurb writer really think all readers are imbeciles? Yawn.
Secret Service by Tom Bradby
"When MI6 agent Kate Henderson uncovers a Russian plot to unseat the British prime minister, she’ll have to risk everything to avert an international crisis before the next election." Nope, Not her jurisdiction! It's MI5 that needs to handle this. And like the Russians give a shit about Britain anymore! Boris Johnson is already doing a classic job of fucking things up there, so the Russians don't need to do a thing while he's in power.
The Courier by Holly Down
"Mourning her once-perfect life, Laurel now works as a courier and relishes delivering mail to the residents of an elite cul-de-sac. One day, looking through the window of a perfectly manicured house, Laurel sees something that makes her world crumble...." Can anyoen say "Rear Window redux? Yawn.
Thanatos by Eva Pohler
"While in a coma, Therese falls for Thanatos, the handsome god of death. When she wakes up, she learns that he’s crossed into the mortal realm to be with her. But can he and a host of other Greek gods help her avenge her parents’ murders?" Who gives a shit? None of this takes place in Greece. It's been culturally appropriated into the USA because fuck Greece, right? No story can have any value whatsoever unless it's set in the USA or unless at the very least it has a USA main character driving it. Barf. Therese isn't even a greek name. It's Spanish! Yeah, there's a claim that it may have originated from a Greek word, but nowhere does it appear until 4th century Spain. Neither is the Greek god's name THanatos per se. It's more like Tanatos with a hint of an 'H'. So this is a non-starter and really just retreaded Rick Riordan for adults. Yawn.
Sanctioned by RA McGee / Blueblood by Matthew Iden
"Retired covert operative Czerny Clark has sworn off the black ops world — until his former partner disappears" and he gets pulled in from retirement to fix a situation that not one single other person out of seven billion on the planet can possibly resolve. And how many times has this exact plot been retreaded? Barf. Just title it "Body Count" - all these novels are exactly the same - why not employ the same generic title - pulled out of retirement each time a "new" story appears?!
AND
Blueblood by Matthew Iden
"With a deadly cop killer on the loose, former homicide detective Marty Singer must come out of retirement to chase down the culprit" Why? Is every other cop incompetent? As I've pointed out many times before: this trope is way the hell overdone!
Claiming London by Becca Jameson
So yet another female author who is evidently operating under the delusion that women are property who need to be claimed like so much baggage at the airport carousel. The title is all you need to know to avoid this like the plague, but the blurb, believe it or not, gets worse. "After her abusive marriage, London wants to experience all the things she missed out on, including submission." Excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK???? She was abused in her marriage and now she craves dominance? What the fuck is wrong with this author that she thinks this utterly wrong-headed idea is ripe for a fictional exercise in trying to make a few bucks? Seriously? Fuck. This. Shit.
Mrs Hudson and the Spirits’ Curse by Martin Davies
"An irresistible spin on the world of Sherlock Holmes!" No, it really isn't. Look, here am I resisting it. "With a sinister force stalking London merchants, Mrs Hudson sets out to solve the mystery - and proves she might be Baker Street’s most talented detective." Seriously? Another tired, unoriginal rip-off? At least it isn't Sherlock's niece so I guess it has that going for it, but that bar is so low that it really doesnlt say much. Mrs Hudson did literally nothing in any of the Holmes stories except in one where she moved a bust of Sherlock around to foil a sniper. She was mistakenly referred to as Mrs Turner in one Holmes story due to a writing mistake by Doyle, but she never exhibted a single isntance of any sort of crime-solving ability or even interest in any such thing. This story is quite obviously an ill-begotten dud. I'd have a lot more respect for writers if they came up with something original instead of ripping-off and repurposing all the frigging time.
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