"Formerly the artificial intelligence of the spaceship Wayfarer, Lovelace has woken up in a new body - with no memory of what happened." Easy: she was a porn movie star. Next intractable problem?
Thursday, October 14, 2021
The It Girls by Karen Harper
"Follow sisters Lucy and Elinor - an aspiring designer and an impassioned novelist - as they overcome adversity and pursue their dreams." What a lot they're going to contribute to society. Barf.
How the Light Gets In by Louise Penny
"As the weather turns colder and the holidays approach, the festive atmosphere in Three Pines is marred by a famous woman's shocking murder." As opposed to those non-shocking mundane, everyday murders which no one in their right mind gives a shit about. No wonder the illiterates at Kirkus Reviews (where the light doesn't get in) loved this one.
Blood Witch by Naomi Clark
"Already an outcast among other witches, Lola has nowhere to turn when she's accused of murder. As she sets out to find the true killer with help from beautiful and mysterious Tristesse" Tristesse? Really? This crime should be a doddle to solve since they have magic at their disposal.
Under A Sicilian Sky by Lisa Hobman
"When actress Ruby Locke finds herself in the midst of a media snafu, her movie star fiancé breaks off their engagement - and sends Ruby fleeing to Sicily." Why? And more importantly, do we really need yet another cookie-cutter clone novel about a yet another chicken-shit woman who runs away? Short answer: No! Longer answer: hell No!
Goddess in the Machine by Lora Beth Johnson
"After Andra awakens from a cryogenic sleep 1,000 years in the future, she must navigate the strange world with Zhade, an exiled prince" Of course she must, because god forbid any woman should do anything on her own without some fucking prince to validate her, and make her life worth living. How is this story any different from the other one I just got through non-reviewing? Not in any way. Barf.
Some Lucky Woman by Carmen DeSousa
"Hurt one too many times by men, Jana pens a bestseller empowering women to swear off the male species. But an injury places her career in the hands of physical therapist Adrian, putting her head-to-head with a man who's taken offense to her writing!" Of course it does because god forbid she should be a strong woman who doesn't need as man to set her straight. There's nothing new here - chalk and cheese, infuriating man. It's been done a billion times before already. Get a new shtick before your life solidifies into the embodiment of inertia. How so many female authors manage to set themselves up to betray their female characters so consistently is the only interesting thing going on here.
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
Campus Player by Jennifer Sucevic
"Playboy quarterback Rowan has no trouble scoring — both on and off the football field. But when his coach’s daughter, Demi, becomes his tutor, the two do nothing except butt heads… at least, at first." Yet another garbage story about two antagonists who inevitably fall in lust together. There is absolutely nothing new here. These stories are unimaginative, unoriginal, and five-a-penny. They're trite, cookie-cutter clones. Barf.
Emerald Blaze by Ilona Andrews
This marks three strikes for this author. "Catalina Baylor works in magical law enforcement in Texas. When her family comes under attack, she must team up with a figure from her past" which would be the guy who takes the prominent place on the cover of this novel which is purportedly about a female main character? Well, we can all see how that goes. Barf. Yet another female author, yet another dissed character. Count me out.
Ghost Gone Wild by Carolyn Hart
"An otherworldly mishap leaves departed spirit Bailey stuck in her hometown — unless she can rescue a ghost’s nephew from a killer." So wait, this ghost has to rescue another ghost's nephew? Why doesn't the other ghost have to do it? This plot sounds lame from the off. The book is billed as "From a New York Times bestselling author!" Do you know how lame that is? You can sell only 5,000 books, which might get you on the bottom of the list for one week, and then eternally refer to yourself as a best-selling author. It's utterly meaningless unless you're a sheep who, instead of buying something based on how good it might be, you buy something because everyone else is herding toward it. It's also possible to game the system, so I do not trust these 'best selling author claims one bit.
Little Secrets by Jennifer Hillier
"Marin’s perfect life is upended by every parent’s worst nightmare — her son is abducted in a crowded store. A year later with no progress on the case, she finally has a reason to spring into action" It takes her a year to "spring" into action? That ain't springing. That's barely tripping. Book blurbs! Meh.
Atlantis Stolen by Christopher Cartwright
"What destroyed the ancient city of Atlantis? It’s a secret shrouded in mystery" Wrong! It's bullshit buried in fiction. Yawn.
Mischief by Douglas Clegg
"Jim Hook" Really? Is he a pirate? "...arrives at mysterious Harrow Academy" the mysterious academy! Why would he think a mysterious academy can give him a "fresh start — only to unleash a sinister evil." Shit! A sinister evil. That's horrible! Regular evil is bad enough, but a sinister evil? Holy fuck-doodles! He's in deep du-du now. Yawn.
East Lynne by Mrs Henry Wood
"When the aristocratic Lady Isabel abandons her husband and children for her wicked seducer, more is at stake than moral retribution." Yep, it's the entirety of Victorian civilization! Her husband turns into a steamed punk and goes on the rampage with an army of clockwork Viking robots, raping, pillaging, and burning people's houses, but when he discovers that Vikings didn't actually have cow horns in their helmets, he realizes that it is he who is just horny, and begins frequenting horses of ill prepuce, frequently. Damn this auto-correct! LOL! This novel was naturally first in a series, being followed by another seven volumes, resulting in one for each of the main eight points of the compass, but none were so well received as this first one, thereby proving that the advice to "Go west, young man" is bullshit. I did take a stab at reading this one but the story is so ponderously tedious that I quit in short order. It takes forever to get nowhere.
A Murder in Paris (A Year in Europe—Book 1) by Blake Pierce
"Many dream of dropping everything and jetting off to Europe — but having to solve a murder upon arrival? That definitely wasn’t what Diana intended when she left behind all of her responsibilities for the trip of a lifetime. Luckily, she makes a pretty decent sleuth," Stop right there. 'Sleuth' in a book blurb is an automatic 'No!" And why the hell is 'Diana' meddling in a murder in Paris? Because the French police are useless? This is a self-important Donald Trump-style delusion. "I alone can fix it?" Horseshit.
Do No Harm by Christina McDonald
"After her young son is diagnosed with cancer, doctor Emma begins selling opioids in a desperate bid to fund his treatment. But when someone dies, Emma’s own husband leads the investigation." So a doctor and a police detective do not earn enough between them, nor so they have sufficient insurance, to take care of their son? What the hell have they been doing all this time? And now she drug her husband into it? Has the author not noticed the parellels in her story to the Scott Turow novel Presumed Innocent? The wife did it. There really is nothing new under the sun. Yawn.
One Left Alive by Helen Phifer
"After a woman is found hanging in her front garden, detective Morgan Brookes" hangs with her and discovers that she;s really quite a hottie. He fails to realize that there are the bodies of her family in the basement, a white cloth placed over each face." Clearly each damily member has fainted due to the heat from this hottie's body. Can Morgan, who Brookes no refusal, discover them in time, or will they bake for three to four hours at 400 degrees before beign served with a light fave bean gravy and a nice chanti?
The Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes The Veiled Detective by David Stuart Davies
"When Sherlock Holmes arrives in London to begin his career as a private detective, he catches the attention of evil mastermind Professor Moriarty. Soon, he meets Dr. Watson" In short, there's not a goddamned thing that's remotely new here - except that, as is implied by the title, Sherlock becomes Moriarty's bride! The veil signifies modesty and obedience, but the full-blooded ex-military Watson is not about to stand for this, and is determined to rescue his beloved friend! Shenanigans abound! Barf.
Legacy of War by Wilbur Smith, David Churchill
"In the aftermath of World War II, former SOE operative Saffron and her husband, Gerhard, find themselves drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse" That's really only dangerous for the mouse, and they sure taste good with a little saffron don't they?! It's yet another World War Two spy story and there sure aren't anywhere near enough of those already. And it took only two authors to pen this one! Wow! Yawn. Did they think that by adding in the 'Churchill' there, more people would want to read it? Or is that really his name?
The Last Bodyguard by Sean Black
Another dumb-ass blurb: "When a teen goes missing, ex-military bodyguard Ryan Lock will do what it takes to save her from a chilling fate" Add 'Lock' to clichéd "hard-bitten" tough guys names like 'Steele', 'Cage', Stone', and 'Pierce'. Yawn. Ex military bodyguard? Does that mean he was a bodyguard in the military? LOL! I don't believe for a minute that those guys need any bodyguards! What fools these blurb writers be, in their desperation to cram everything into an unsound-bite. But it keeps me amused!
Light It Up by Nick Petrie
So here's my question: Could you possibly have come up with a more cliched title? I don't think so, but I'm open to options here. "When a tightly executed hijacking threatens a family friend’s business, combat veteran Peter agrees to get involved — but the ramifications could be deadly…" Peter Ash is the purported hero here. Peter Ash. Seriously? Here's what Lee Child says, "Lots of characters get compared to my own Jack Reacher, but Petrie’s Peter Ash is the real deal." That tells me to avoid this author like the plague. There's nothing worse than another Jack Reacher round....
Welcome to the World, Baby Girl! by Fannie Flagg
"Dena Nordstrom must face her troubled family history as she searches for happiness" Barf! I'd rather eat fried green tomatoes. Not. No wonder Kirkus's last stand thought it was a "paean" - paean in the ass no doubt. I'll waive the Flagg. Yawn.
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley / Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley
"To save her father, Beauty must live with the mysterious Beast - who teaches her that there’s always more than meets the eye" So a free, antique fairytale is retold with not a thing new added and we're expected to buy it? Barf.
AND
Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
"Erin is secretly in love with Blake, the man whose house she cleans to pay for school — but he has been badly hurt by the outside world. Can she convince him that he deserves happiness… and pleasure? A sizzling twist on Beauty and the Beast" And the same story as the other one. The exact same story in fact. Unimaginative, cookie-cutter trash. Period. Skye Warren? Really? No wonder I don't trust any author's name to be real!
The Goblin King by Jovee Winters
"Kingdom is practically built on happily ever afters — so why can’t the Goblin King find his true pairing?" He's an asshole? "Setting off to Earth to meet his match, it turns out that he doesn’t have to look any further than his new next-door neighbor: tall, gorgeous Joon." Now I get it! He's racist. He won't marry someone of his own race. No wonder he's still single! And Joon bride? Yeah, I get it. No wonder he ends up in Jovee. Yawn.
Cinderella Assassin by Allie Burton / Midnight Wings by Ariele Sieling
"An absorbing Cinderella retelling!" Because if there's one thing this world desperately needs right now it's yet another retelling of Cinderella - like Disney hasn't already run that trope into the ground. "To break her best friend out of the palace prison, Elle makes a deal with her fairy godmother: She’ll get all the magic she needs if she assassinates the prince. But what happens when Elle falls for her handsome target?" Then she's in breach of contract. Next question? Why the fuck doesn't the lazy-ass fairy godnmother assassinate the prince if that's the real goal here?
AND
Midnight Wingsby Ariele Sieling
Ariele Sieling? Really? That's the most bullshit made-up name ever. It's asinine. I flat refuse to read this book based on that ludicrous author name alone! But there's more! "This thrilling sci-fi retelling of Cinderella kicks off a fantastical new series!" Of course it does because why the fuck not keep retreading the same tired story instead of doing the grunt work of creating something new, inventive, and original? "El dreams of piloting fighter jets for the intergalactic fleet," You know jets don't work in space, right, "Ariele"? becuase oif you dontl, you ahve no business writign a space opera. "...but in reality, she’s stuck doing grunt work. When the queen launches a competition to identify new pilots," And the queen is doing this instead of the military why? "El must face her callous stepmother to stand a chance" Why? This is really, not so much a stretch as an overly taut rubber band that's going to snap back on the author's face.
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