"While divorced Sebastian is still questioning whether he’s interested in men, there’s no doubt that he’s drawn to Remington" Sebastian and Remington? Seriously? Are there no guy guys with regular names like José? Anthony? Michael? Kal? Sanjay? Barf.
Thursday, November 4, 2021
Ethereal by Addison Moore
"When Skyla meets Logan — a boy who shares her extraordinary ability — she discovers a world of secrets and earthbound angels" Of course she does because this is yet another in a depressingly long line of female YA authors who declare with absolute conviction that women are utterly useless until a guy winds them up and sets them in motion. Fuck this shit.
Love Me in the Spotlight by Laura Burton
This is about one of the dumbest ideas for a novel I ever heard of: "Melissa is unexpectedly chosen to compete on a popular couples’ reality TV show — but she’s single!" So tell 'em that, and you're done. But no, Melissa isn't that kind of person - i.e. honest, that is. She outright lies and cheats: "Can she and drop-dead gorgeous Ronan fake an engagement and win the top prize?" Fuck this lying shit. Barf.
A Noël Killing by ML Longworth
"As the south of France comes alive with holiday cheer, town magistrate Antoine Verlaque and his wife, Marine Bonnet...." Marine bonnet? Seriously? Why not just call her Pirate Hattie? "...find themselves investigating a man’s mysterious death." Why? Are there no police in the south of France, or are they all off for Christmas? "Can they catch the culprit before Christmas?" Why is Christmas the deadline? Does the culprit get off scot-free after Christmas Day? Yawn.
Tuesday, November 2, 2021
The Burning Girls by Rita Herron
"In remote Crooked Creek, two murder victims are found a day apart, both surrounded by a strange circle of stones. Is a serial killer at work?" Um, yeah! "Detective Ellie Reeves, still reeling from a shocking revelation about her own family" Oh no! The haunted, wounded detective, That's never been done before - if you don't count the thousand times it has. Barf. This author's for the birds.
Everything Happens for a Reason by Katie Allen
No, everything doesn't happen for a reason, and "After her baby is stillborn, grieving Rachel convinces herself that saving a stranger’s life months earlier has something to do with the loss." Rachel needs some serious therapy, and I can promise you she won't get the help she needs in this book, but it will all work out perfectly anyway. Barf. I know this is fiction, but seriously?
Christmas at Lilac Cottage by Holly Martin
And the author's name is Holly? Yeah. I sure believe that. What a bunch of horseshit. So we have authors routinely lying about who they are. Okay. The main character's name is no better: "Penny Meadows" Seriously? But she "loves her cozy cottage in quaint White Cliff Bay. But when Henry and his daughter rent out her annex," You can bet he rents her annex, and she loves it. Barf.
Death by French Roast by Alex Erickson
If the title doesn't nauseate you, the blurb will. "To solve a decades-old murder discovered while cleaning out an old house, bookstore and café owner Krissy must separate local gossip from the truth with the help of her writing group." Ri-ight, because no one is better at solving murders than a bookstore/cafe owner. Fuck the cops: they're useless as all these writers so regularly attest. Crime professionals will only get in the way and evidence must be withheld from them. "A cozy mystery that will keep you guessing!" The only thing it keeps me guessing is how much more of this shit will be unloaded on the public before readers tire of it and my guessing is that it ain't happening any time soon.
Kade's Dark Embrace by Kym Grosso
"When several young women are murdered, detective Sydney Willows is forced to work with alpha vampire Kade Issacson to solve the case. But can she resist the intoxicating desire sizzling between them?" Of course she can't and we know this because this same exact story has been told ten billion times already. Barf. I believe this author has one too many 'O's in her name.
Forever My Girl by Heidi McLaughlin
It says it right there in the title. Another female author. Another girl. Another posssession. "Liam always planned on marrying Josie, his high school sweetheart — but fame and fortune disrupted his plans." No, he chose his plans over her, period. Why is the book description writer outright LYING about what happened? Liam is a jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance, but there's Josie, on hold, waiting for him like the faithful little piece of male property she is. Barf.
Dax by Sawyer Bennett
"This barn burner of a romance" something needs to be burned, for sure. "...is written by a New York Times bestselling author " You sell five thousands books once, and you can get on this list and use that title forever even if you never slel another title and have to flog your discounted books online. "Hockey star Dax" Are you fucking kidding me? Hockey star? Again? And he's called Dax? Seriously? "...has always thought of his best friend’s little sister as family — but when Regan needs a marriage of convenience, his feelings start to change" Of course they do. He wants in her pants. If it were anything other than that, those feelings would have come to the surface long before. No surprises there. Barf.
The Salt Line by Holly Goddard Jones
No wonder Moronic Pylons Flying Kirkus thought this was darkly clever - it's as dumb as they are! "A border known as the salt line separates what’s left of humanity from a deadly, tick-infested wasteland" Yeah, but ticks need blood, and deprived of it they died, so how is it tick infested? It gets worse: "...but one expedition of survivors is determined to venture beyond it, no matter the consequences." Because they're fucking morons - either that or they believe the ticks have all died out too. But guess what? If you wear thick clothing and seal it up, the ticks are not a problems, so no matter how may different ways you look at this dumb-ass story, it's a dumb-ass story. That's doubtlessly why Kirkus loved it.
The Devil Colony by James Paul Czajkowski aka James Clemens aka James Rollins
"After a grisly archaeological discovery, Sigma Force leader Painter Crowe" Painter Crowe? Seriously? That's your character's name? "...risks everything to expose a shadowy cabal that has manipulated the US for centuries." Yeah right. For centuries, and gone completely undetected and unsuspected. Barf.
The Unbreakables by Lisa Barr
"After her marriage falls apart, 42-year-old Sophie flees to France." Flees to France? Seriously? Flees to France? Because that's how most of us peons view it. I feel so bad for Sophie. How will she ever recover from being in France? Surely ythere;s no way in hell she can find any happienss there...! Barf. Lisa needs to raise her bar.
Song of the Forever Rains by EJ Mellow
"Larkyra," Seriously? That's the best name you got? "...a powerful sorceress whose voice can kill," And I know I just non-reviewed a story with this exact same character - but by a different author - just in the last few days! How tediously unoriginal. It's like one book just flows right into the next anymore, with barely a ripple to distinguish where one ends and the enxt begins. Yawn.
The Order of Time by Scott P Southall
It seems like I just non-reviewed this same book, but this is evidently a clone of the other one because it's essentially the same plot. "In this rollicking adventure," That right there is enough to warn you off this one. "11-year-old twins Anastasia and Edward embark on a high-stakes mission to ancient Egypt!" Because as you know, the Egyptians are utterly useless and need American kids to save them. How abusive an idea is that? What an appalling insult to a foreign power. This author couldn't have written about Egyptian kids on a high stakes mission? No, because who gives a shit about those "shithole countries" unless there's a white American savior involved? really? No wonder we're detested by half the world and barely tolerated by the other half.
When We Vanished by Alanna Peterson
The title alone should warn people off this one, and the blurb just makes it worse as usual: "While volunteering for a study at the mysterious Nutrexo corporation, Andi’s dad disappears — and she and her neighbor Cyrus set out to unravel the truth" because unquestionably, the best solution to a disppearance is to have a couple of clueless meddling kids running around trying to solve it.
The Trials of Apollo: The Tower of Nero by Rick Riordan
"Lester, the mortal form of the Greek god Apollo, faces off against the terrifying emperor Nero. Can he emerge triumphant and reclaim his place on Mount Olympus?" He's a fucking god. What do you think will happen, Rick? This is the author who culturally appropriated Greek mythology, shamelessly relocated it to the USA for no valid reason other than 'who gives a shit about any other nation' (Hey, it worked for Trump), and no one thinks there's a problem with that. Quite the contrary. They guy got rich from it and is feted for it! So please, do not assail me with your cultural appropriation shit when wholesale rip-offs like this go down totally uncommented.
The Little Christmas Teashop of Second Chances by Donna Ashcroft
"While scrambling to plan her best friend’s Christmas wedding, Lily finds herself thrown together with the groom’s brother, Josh, who’s as infuriating as he is handsome." Because the infuriatingly handsome shtick hasnever been done before - if you don't count the million times it has. No, what's going to happen here is that the infurating handsome guy will marry the desperate idiot girl, the marriage will self-destruct because he will not cease being infuriating just because he's married. In fact, it will get worse, and one of these two will be murdered. That's what happens in real life. This is fiction, and the author evidently has not an original bone in her body.
The Shape of Us by Drew Davies
Trying to think of something nice to say, but Drew a blank. That pretentious title, right there is a loud warning to stay the hell away from this pile of steaming crap. "In this heartwarming listen for fans of Love Actually, the lives of four strangers seeking happiness and love in London intertwine in ways they never expected." You know they were the only ones who didn't expect it? Every other motherfucker on the planet fully expected exactly what happens in this unimaginative, retreaded mishmash.
Seeking the Sheriff by Calle J Brookes
You know there's a seriously good case to be made for bringing back being put into the stocks for stupid book blurb writers. This one is about as unoriginal as you can get: "When struggling rancher Phoebe meets local sheriff Joel, they’re on opposite ends of the law. But with chemistry that’s off the charts...." What chart? Who maintains this chart? How is it constructed, and what determines when a chemistry goes off it? And if every single one of these stories has the chemistry off the charts, then doesn't this strongly suggest that the fucking chart is useless? This moronic book blurb writer, who's probably a failed author, needs to get a clue. But I can promise you they won't because they cannot help themselves. It's an inescapable addiction to bad, clichéd, and trope writing, you see.
The Beautiful Ashes by Jeaniene Frost
"When her sister goes missing, Ivy seeks to free her" Free her from being missing?! "...with the help of mysterious, sinfully sexy Adrian" Of course she does because this is a another author who operates under the firm conviction that a woman is utterly useless without a man to prop her up. Barf.
One Last Breath by Adam Nicholls
"When a corpse is found with strange carvings in its chest, homicide detective Jessie must hunt down a ruthless killer" as opposed to those killers who still do, you know, have a bit of Ruth left.... Yawn.
Seducing Whitney by Stephanie Julian
"To prevent her viperous stepmother from getting everything, Whitney turns to Chase and Ryan, her late father’s protégés." becuase as you know - according to a disturbingly large number of female authors - females are useless unless they have at least one, and in this case two, guys to lend them some worth. So paradoxically, Whitney effectively sells her body to keep what ought to be rightfully hers anyway. It might be even funny if it were not so nauseating. Barf.
Girl of Glass by Megan O’Russell
"When 17-year-old Nola Kent discovers an outsider child, she must leave the domes that shield her people and venture into the poisoned wastelands beyond… But are the survivors who live outside still human?" and this same story of the YA girl outside the dome rescued by a guy has been done how many hundreds of times before? Yawn. How i dream fo fidning an original YA story without a dumabss romance and a love griangle between girl, sweet boy, and bad boy. The problem is, almost no female YA authors have a clue how to write such a story. I know this because if they did, we'd see such stories and we almost never do.
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