Author: Emily Harper
Publisher: Writers To Authors (no website found)
Rating: WORTHY!
DISCLOSURE: Unlike the majority of reviews in this blog, I've neither bought this book nor borrowed it from the library. This is a "galley" copy ebook, supplied by the author. I'm not receiving (nor will I expect to receive or accept) remuneration for this review. The chance to read a new book is sometimes reward aplenty!
Erratum:
10% in: "…all banned together…" should be "…all band together…"
This novel is so bad I wrote a song about it to the tune of Blurred lines:
Everybody screws up! Eew!
Everybody screws up! Uh!
Nay! nay! nay! Nay! nay! nay! Nay! nay! nay!
If you can't read what I'm trying to write,
If you can't read from almost any page,
Maybe I'm writing bad, maybe I'm going down; maybe I'm out of my mi-i-i-ind!
OK now she was dumb, tryin' to bed the captain,
But she's inanimate, baby it's not her nature, just let me educate ya
Nay! nay! nay! Shouldn't waste the pay-pa
Nay! nay! nay! That book is not your maker
And that's why I'm gon' write a one star
I know you earned it (I know you earned it), I know you earned it
It's a ba-ad bo-ok!
Can't let it get past me; it's not real hist'ry; talk about lambasted?
I hate this White Lies!
I know you wrote it; you do showboat it, but I have smote it!
But it's a ba-ad bo-ok!
It fails to grab me, it's pretty nasty; it's even trashy
What do you write this for? Why you got them reams stacked?
This book so down-grade, like a Shelley in a grave
Cover's adolescent,
Nay! nay! nay! It's really booked-up
Nay! nay! nay! What rhymes with booked-up?
Nay! nay! nay!
What an original title! B&N lists only sixteen pages of books with this title, or with titles similar to it. So why did I read it? Well, even though this novel suggested of itself that it would be a silly romance, I was tempted against my better judgment into reading it because it was set in the UK. By 10% in I'd already decided this wasn't a good novel. The main female character is so complete and shallow a ditz that she doesn’t need airbags in her car. She's already protected because she's such an airhead.
How she can be an airhead and completely vacuous at the same time, I don’t know, but trust me, she manages it and then some. She's also more than likely anorexic if we're to judge by the cover image, but then we all know covers lie just as effectively and routinely as back cover blurbs do!
Her life is so pointless that her every waking thought revolves around finding a guy to marry. We’re expected to believe this woman can’t find a guy even though she's portrayed as being hot and gorgeous. Of course these are purely skin-deep traits; why would anyone care whether someone is respectable, diligent, interesting, accomplished, smart, caring, self-possessed, supportive, fun, has strength of character, or whatever? It’s all about skin, and exposing it. The main (lack-of-) character keeps dreaming of finding a hunk regardless of personality or other traits. I keep dreaming of finding a romance story that's realistic and fun, but they're so few and far between that you may as well consider them extinct.
This novels truck me as a major example of wish-fulfillment on the part of the author, so naturally (not!), the mc meets 'the guy' accidentally in the elevator on the way up to her office (because why would she have any other kind of job?), and immediately starts hitting on him, even as we’re expected to believe she doesn’t recognize him as a potential partner. Instead she puts a want-ad in some random magazine, seeking a partner, and in time, goes on a date with a guy named Alan. Wouldn’t you know that she runs into "the guy" right there in that same restaurant? Coincidence of coincidences! How miraculous is that? HALLELUJAH! Thank you Baby Jesu!
When Alan shows up they have a perfectly fine dinner, but she obsesses over the unappetizing wine - like this one thing has really spoiled everything, and she has so little self-possession and self-respect that she doesn't even think to order something different. Meanwhile Mr Perfect, stalking jerk-off that he is, sends over a glass of wine to her table, and it’s perfect. Yeah, like he knows exactly what she wants and he's going to give it to her even when she's out on a date with another guy? Creep much?
Alan very kindly pays for the entire meal even though she is the one seeking a partner - and she doesn’t even remark upon that, let alone thank him, but as soon as they stand up to leave, she suddenly notices that he's a couple of inches shorter than she is. She didn’t notice this before? The truly sad thing is that this is all it takes for her to write him off. As if that wasn't bad enough, his hair is thinning. Never mind that losing ones hair in a male is a sign of testosterone! No! He's "short", he has thinning hair, therefore he's a no good low-life piece of trash and she’ll never see him again.
By this time I thoroughly detested the main character - and the novel. I had zero interesting on following this desperate louse-life another step. And note that I hadn't even reached the fact that she's an outright liar. White lies are nothing but lies after all. How shallow and pathetic can you be? Well read an Emily Harper 'romance' and you'll find out!
