"After her father’s murder, young K’lrsa...." Stop right there. That's an automatic DNF for me if I start reading one of these asinine fantasy novels where the idiot author starts injecting random apostrophes into the middle of character names. Barf.
Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
Saturday, November 6, 2021
Pretty Funny for a Girl by Rebecca Elliott
"Haylah" Haylah? Seriously? "...dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian" so naturally, instead of being a stand-up comedian, she "...agrees to help popular Leo write jokes for his own sets." What an asshole! "...will she end up heartbroken - or will she find the self-confidence she needs to shine?" Who honestly gives a shit what happens to this dumb-ass?
Thursday, November 4, 2021
Hating the Player by Natalie Wrye
"Publishing agent Ana Lexington finally gets a manuscript that could make her career — a juicy peek behind the scenes with infamous football star Colton Evans." Who would even care? Really? "The arrogant playboy might have abs for days," What the fuck does that even mean?! "...but he’s also insufferable… So why can’t Ana get him out of her head?" Could it be because the author doesn't have an original or imaginative bone in her body and so she channels all the other novels that tell the exact same story this one is retreading? Just a wild-ass guess. Yawn.
Finding Home by BE Baker
"When she’s stranded in Europe, Beth finds herself rescued by Cole, a man who’s handsome, kind - and also happens to be royalty!" Of course he is. It's the billionaire story all over again, and the helpless, useless, pointless woman finally can get validation for her worthless life. Barf. "As the two discover they’re more alike than they thought possible, a surprising connection blooms" Surprising to who exactly? There's nobody this is a surprise to except the idiot book blurb writer evidently. Yawn.
Romerica by David S Brody
"When historian Cameron Thorne is hired to raise a Roman-era ship off the coast of Massachusetts, he finds himself in unexpected danger… Can he unravel a far-reaching mystery with deadly global consequences?" Because archaeology routinely has life-threatening global consequences. Yawn. Could it not have been pitched just a shade lower? This isn't fiction; it's fantasy.
Then She Vanishes by Claire Douglas
"In 1994, 16-year-old Flora vanished. Over two decades later, her sister Heather walks into a stranger’s house and kills two people. What’s the connection?" She beleives those two people kidnapped and killed Flora? Yawn.
Bad Prince by Lilian Monroe
This shit has barf-fest written all over it. "Elle sneaks into the Royal Ball for a bit of fun, not a hot hookup with playboy Prince Charlie!" So they both have first-date unprotected sex. Okay, Tells me everything I need to know about these two assholes. "She thinks she’ll never see him again" Well she's the only one. "...until she finds out she’s carrying his heir." No, she's really not! Since it's out of wedlock, it's not actually an heir; it's just a scandal. It doesn't work that way with royalty, not even in this day and age. Close, but no scepter.
An Invitation to Murder by AG Barnett
Idiot book blurb writer strieks again: "Replaced on her television crime drama, aging actress Mary Blake believes her sleuthing days are over. But when a murder mystery party ends in actual murder, Mary must play detective once again — and prove her own innocence." No, that's not how it works, you see? The prosecution has to prove your guilt - and do so beyond a reasonable doubt. You don't have to prove innocence, okay? Got it now? Good. There you go. Wasn't so hard was it? Now all you have to deal with is: how stupid is Mary Blake to imagine for a New York minute that acting in a cheesy, boring, formulaic, and predictbale TV crime drama even remotely equips her to investigate anything?
Hey You, Pretty Face by Linda Coles
London detective Jack Rutherford" Here we go again with the most over-used action character name in the history of literature. No, not 'Rutherford', silly! 'Jack'! "...feels that there’s a connection between two recent cases — an infant who was abandoned and the kidnapping of three girls. But with a skeleton staff, can he find the key" The skeleton key? Barf.
Her Dirty Secret by Melanie A Smith
Today's bullshit forbidden non-review #2: "While at her brother’s wedding celebration, free-spirited Emily is instantly attracted to Alessandro, her new sister-in-law’s ex. Their affair is forbidden" Under what rule, law, regulation, or ordinance is it forbidden? Another idiot blurb by another idiot blurb writer.
Dreams Made Flesh by Anne Bishop
Today's bullshit forbidden non-review #1: "A warlord enters a forbidden romance with a witch" He's a fucking warlord. How is anything forbidden? Barf.
How to Catch a Vet by Ana Ashley
"Micah might be inexperienced — but when gorgeous veteran Santiago brings his Great Dane into the veterinarian’s office, even Micah can’t miss his advances" And we all know what the Great Dane is a euphemism for, don't we?! Barf.
One Night with Him by CD Reiss
Is the first part of the author's name pronounced 'seedy' by any chance? "Tough, independent Monica vows not to submit to gorgeous billionaire Jonathan — but after losing a bet, she’s his for the night." Because women are just possessions and playthings of men. Endless barfing. You know we get claims of video games 'causing' violence' and pornogrpahy 'causing' rape, but no one ever talks of the utterly erroneous ideas that trash like this puts into the minds of men.
Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington / Deep Blue Secret by Christie Anderson
Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington
This is apparently written for middle-graders. "Joclyn" Joclyn? Seriously? "...just sent her high school bully flying through the air! Could her phenomenal power have something to do with the strange new scar on her neck? Her handsome best friend, Ryland, holds all the secrets" Ryland? Really? And of course he holds the secrets, because it's another idiot YA story where the rules are that authoritative guy always controls the girl, who is utterly useless (except for violently repelling bullies evidently), until of course the handsome, mysterious, manly man winds up her mechanism and sets her in motion. Barf and Barf again.
AND
Deep Blue Secret by Christie Anderson
"Everything in Sadie’s simple life changes when a mysterious boy saves her from drowning… and then continues to appear in unlikely places. Who is he" He's a fucking stalker, that's who! You see the pattern here? YA story - exactly the same plot: naïve girl, who is paradoxically supposed to be very powerful, but is actually useless without a mysterious stalker guy to give her value. Barf.
11/22/63 Enhanced Edition by Stephen King
Enhanced? You meean it has yet more extraneous character history even than the original one did? What, do we go back eight generations of family now instead of four when a character is first described? It's an even bigger doorstop? Even more trees were sacrificed for the print edition? "A man traveling back in time to prevent JFK’s assassination unleashes unexpected consequences" No, they're entirely expected. Apparently only the idiot book blurb writer thinks they were unexpected. Yawn.
Gray Matter by Nick Pirog / Darkness, My Old Friend by Lisa Unger /The Lucifer Genome by John Jeter, Glen Craney
Here we go with another three-fer!
Gray Matter by Nick Pirog
"When former cop Thomas Prescott returns to Seattle, he discovers the governor’s corpse floating in the cove behind his boyhood home."
AND
Darkness, My Old Friend by Lisa Unger
"When retired cop Jones Cooper receives an unexpected visit, he plunges into an intricate mystery."
AND
The Lucifer Genome by John Jeter, Glen Craney
It took two to write this redux: "When a relic containing ancient human DNA is stolen, former Army ranger Cas must come out of retirement to track it down." Why? Why must he? Why an Army Ranger? Why not a trained detective? Seriously fucked-up is what this shit is.
How are these in an way different given that they all rely on the tired trope of a 'retiree' being 'forced' back into service? Seriously? Are there any new ideas out there? Any at all? Bueller?
Fifty Shades Trilogy by EL James
"Read the trilogy that became a phenomenon!" So this fan-fic redux that would have cost close to ninety bucks if bought as hardback when first released, can now be had for a buck a book? That's still too much to pay for recycled trash. This one trick pony author is worth some 150 million. She doesn't need any more money.
A Cold Hard Truth by Kate Hawthorne
"While divorced Sebastian is still questioning whether he’s interested in men, there’s no doubt that he’s drawn to Remington" Sebastian and Remington? Seriously? Are there no guy guys with regular names like José? Anthony? Michael? Kal? Sanjay? Barf.
Ethereal by Addison Moore
"When Skyla meets Logan — a boy who shares her extraordinary ability — she discovers a world of secrets and earthbound angels" Of course she does because this is yet another in a depressingly long line of female YA authors who declare with absolute conviction that women are utterly useless until a guy winds them up and sets them in motion. Fuck this shit.
Love Me in the Spotlight by Laura Burton
This is about one of the dumbest ideas for a novel I ever heard of: "Melissa is unexpectedly chosen to compete on a popular couples’ reality TV show — but she’s single!" So tell 'em that, and you're done. But no, Melissa isn't that kind of person - i.e. honest, that is. She outright lies and cheats: "Can she and drop-dead gorgeous Ronan fake an engagement and win the top prize?" Fuck this lying shit. Barf.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)