"When 16-year-old kitchen maid Bristal learns she's a powerful, immortal sorcerer, she's drawn into an epic clash of good versus evil!" She's am immortal sorcerer and didn't know it? And this woman's name is 'Bristal'? Seriously? In Cockney rhyming slang, Bristols are breasts - from Bristol city - titty. Any novel with a title like this one is guaranteed to be exactyl like all other novels with titles like this. Avoid them like the plague because the authors haven't got an original idea in their brains - obviously, otherwise they'd be writing about that idea instead cloning the work of scores of other unimaginative authors who've gone before them.
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
Cause to Kill by Blake Pierce
Leine Basso Thrillers: Volume 1 by DV Berkom
"Former assassin Leine Basso wants a fresh start away from the dangerous world of crime, but fate has other plans." Want to take a guess at how many times this exact same story has been written? I don't because I'd inevitably estimate way too low.
Still Water by Amy Stuart
"Women seek refuge in High River - but when a mother and her son disappear, Clare O'Dey's search unveils layers of deception. Can she find the truth in a town full of secrets?" Nope. She will fail and the story will have no resolution and no ending! Yeah right. Why even ask? Does the author think we're stupid? Or is it the publisher? Or just the idiot who wrote the book blurb? Any which way I don't want a novel that advertizes itself with the bald (and I have to say utterly inaccurate) assumption that I'm a dumb-ass.
You Were There Too by Colleen Oakley
"Mia has recurring dreams about a mysterious stranger - and when she moves to a small town, they meet." What a shock! I never expected that! Yawn.
Wonderstruck by Allie Therin
"When a powerful supernatural force threatens Manhattan, Arthur and Rory set off on a mission to save humanity. As they journey to Paris to destroy an ancient magic relic before it falls into the wrong hands, their love will be tested like never before." I doubt it, but they made a smart move: Manhattan threatened? Move to Paris! Sounds like a plan.
The Vampire Diaries: The Awakening by LJ Smith
"First in a New York Times bestselling series that inspired the hit TV show The Vampire Diaries!" I'm so glad they corrected me on that. I thought it had spawned the long-running oil tycoon series, Dallas! But there's nothing new here: it's the same cliché and the same trope and the same tedious cookie-cutter characters and vampiric bulshit. "Elena falls for Stefan, the mysterious new guy in school" So, nothign new here. "...but soon discovers that he’s a vampire on the run from his dangerous brother, Damon." Like I said, not a fucking thing new here. No wonder the author's reduced to trying to unload it for two bucks a pop in a discount book flyer. Yawn.
Sweet Revenge by Diane Mott Davidson
The story is that "When caterer Goldy Schulz investigates a murder at the local library, can she prove a dead woman is responsible for the crime?" And my question is: why the fuck is a murder being investigated by a caterer? Does she plan on dishing out justice? I think this story would be immeasurably better if the title was "What's cooking, Goldie?"
The Pool Boy by Nikki Sloane
"After a messy divorce, Erika decides to take a day to relax by the pool - and is caught sunbathing naked by her pool boy! A USA Today bestselling author serves up a red-hot story of forbidden passion." How is this forbidden exactly? On second thought, who gives a fuck?
Where Are You by Sally Bryan
"Erin and Gia have a passion for the ages - until Gia disappears without a trace. When the memory of her lost lover comes back to haunt her 10 years later, Erin's feelings ignite all over again." She sounds like a psycho.
The Château of Happily Ever Afters by Jaimie Admans
"When her elderly neighbor, Eulalie, passes away," Eulalie, really? She named after a musical instrument or something? "Wendy is shocked to learn she’s inherited Eulalie’s French château." I'll bet. "But there’s a catch" No, really? "She has to share the castle with Eulalie’s irritating nephew, Julian!" Of course she must because it's the dumbest idea ever, so why not? Rather than turn it down, she lets herself be forced into compliance. Another tamed and obedient female character created by another unimaginative female author whose cookie-cutter writing copies every other novel where the MC falls for an irritating guy. "Can the unlikely housemates overcome their differences?" Oh for fuck's sake. Seriously? Why not just title the novel dumpster fire and be doen with it? "A laugh-out-loud read." I doubt it.
Cutthroat Cupcakes by Cate Lawley
I recently read and enjoyed Vegan Vamp by this author, although I would not want to read a series about it. Unfortunately, this book blurb makes this story seem thoroughly dumb. "When a cursed cupcake is used to kill, candy shop owner Lina is accused of being a witch and deemed the prime suspect. Now she’ll have to face her magical prowess and ensure the real killer gets their just desserts" Yeah. The witch cursed the cakes! And the warlock who works the case is a distraction! And this is the start of a series called the 'Cursed Candy Mysteries' - seriously? What, she's going to accidentally curse something in every volume which ends up with someone dying and there's a series? Because god forbid we should ever have anymore stand-alone novels. What a nightmare that would be. Barf.
Select by Marit Weisenberg
After Julia jeopardizes the future of her secret community of wealthy superhumans, she’s forced to attend public high school as punishment." Public high school is a punishment? What the fuck? Is that what this snotty author thinks of public schools? of course she meets "enigmatic John" and "everything changes…" except for the fact that this is yet another stupid, unimaginative YA piece of garbage. No wonder Kirkus thought it was "A spellbinding Romeo and Juliet retelling with “a mighty twist at the end to look forward to.” That, right there, is enough to make me avoid this one. And of course if there's one more thing we need in this world it's yet another stupid-ass retelling of Dumb-ass Romeo meets idiotic Juliette in which the couple live.
Mr Big by Nana Malone
"Many different women know Zach as Mr Big, but to Emma, he’s her older brother’s best friend." Where the fuck did that dumbass rule come from? That your best friend can't date your sister? It's in all these uninventive cookie-cutter novels, but it doesn't exist in the real world. And Mr Big, really? Why not have the author's name be Banana Malone and your main character named Ivor Hugedick? Barf.
Three Stupid Weddings by Ann Gallagher
The inevitably "Recovering from a breakup," guy, who is ironically named Victor, "isn't ready for romance, which - given his matchmaking family and the three upcoming weddings he has to attend - is terrible! Good thing he has his best friend, Dom, to play pretend boyfriend. But there's one complication: There's nothing pretend about Dom's true feelings for Victor." Dom and Victor? Really? This this a gay romance of a BDSM story - or is it both? I'll pass.
Bite Me by Christopher Moore
"Abby Normal" (really?) "and her undead friends must save San Francisco from a monstrous vampyre cat in this 'wildly funny' New York Times bestseller (Charlaine Harris)" If this is Charlaine Harris's idea of wildly funny, then it's good enough for me - to avoid it like the plague. In this case we need less of Moore. Roger that.
The Dog Share by Fiona Gibson
"When empty nester Suzy" That's how your main charcter is viewed? In a negative light like that? Who wants to read about a character the book blurb writer evidently hates or at least disrepsects? Anyway, "when Suzy befriends a terrier named Scout on the Scottish island she calls home, her life takes a turn for the better. But can Scout lead her to newfound romance?" No. The dog will lead her to a life of misery and suicidal impulses as the rabid dog slaughters everyone on the island. Yes of course she's going to find romance. What kind of a dumb-ass question is that - and what does it say about what an author and/or publisher think of their readers that they persistently ask brain-dead questions like that? And why do most all of these stupid descriptions start with 'when'??! Plus, how the fuck does a stray dog end up on an island and why isn't Suzy trying to find the actual owner instead of romance?
Beyond by Maureen A Miller
Maureen is a Miller? I thought she was a writer! Just kidding. This book is described as "A page-turning book" - what book isn't a page turning book? I guess if it were a short story occupying one side of one page it wouldn't be, but that would be a really slim book, and you'd turn the page anyway, just trying to figure out where the rest of the book was!
Here's the unoriginal story: "The day after her high school graduation, Aimee Patterson is accidentally abducted by a group of humanoid aliens. She won't be returned to Earth for five years - but when she meets handsome warrior Zak, she must choose between her home and an unknown future" Right because a relationship with your alien abductor is perfect. This is YA at its dumbest, trashiest, worst. Aimee evidently doesn't give a shit about who she left behind or who is grieving over her disappearance. And an alien named Zak? I assume there will be some weird alien name that sounds like Zak, so that's what dumb-ass Aimee calls him as opposed to actually making an effort to learn his language. In the film version, he will also speak with an American accent! LOL!
The First Time We Met by Jo Lovett
"Izzy and Sam have never forgotten the moment they met - it was Sam's wedding day. When fate brings them together again 14 years later, can they claim the happiness they missed out on so long ago?" Is that really a serious question? It's tired trope time again, folks!
Wide Awake by KB Anne
"First in a series!" Of course it is! "When Gigi's grandmother reveals their magical lineage, Gigi is suddenly dealing with visions, a shadowy stranger, and a spell book her best friend is obsessed with" I;ll bet she wishes grammie did reveal a goddamned thing, tha tlittle shit! And I'll also bet that shadowy stranger is her bad-boy love interest. Yet another unimaginative and unoriginal take on am already worn-out trope. I much prefer my strangers well-lit - because when they're drunk they're funny as hell.
Wicked Saints by Emily A Duncan
This blurb says, "The lives of a cleric, a prince, and a mage intertwine as they seek to assassinate a king" Why? Why can't the mage do it all by his or herself using magic? Or is this yet another dumb-ass fantasy wherein magic has its arbitrary limitations? And if Emily is a Duncan why does she go by Emily? Now there's the real story! Just kidding!
Love Always, Wild by AM Johnson
AM Johnson? Really? This novel's description blithely informs us that "Wilder never forgot his college love, Jax, the man who disappeared from his life nearly a decade ago. Now a successful author, Wilder has turned his heartbreak into a literary masterpiece. But he never expected Jax to read his book and seek him out" That's funny because every single reader (of book or blurb) fully-expected exactly that. So why is Wilder (Wilder, really?) so stupid. And Jax? Honestly? This is exactly what I'd expect from an author who publishes under the name 'Johnson'. I'm looking forward to the next effort by PM Johnson. Not sure about reading PMS Johnson.
Max and the Multiverse by Zachry Wheeler
"After a strange accident, Max begins slipping between alternate universes in his sleep - with a talking cat by his side." No. Just no.
The Ninja by Eric Van Lustbader
Eric Van Lustbader is a name that's always amused me. A Douglas Bader I can respect, but a Lustbader? I dunno! But it's not the name that's at issue here, it's the dumbass book blurb as usual in a non-review. The description asks, "When a ruthless serial killer targets people close to him, can martial arts expert Nicholas Linnear use his skills to take down a powerful villain?" What's he going to do? Kick the crap out of everyone until one of them confesses? I'm not convinced a linear inquiry is going to work! What if he needs to make a leap of logic? LOL! No, let the cops handle it.
Death Overdue by Allison Brook
Time for some more non-reviews where I look at idiotic bookd escriptions fpor fun! In this novel "Clover Ridge's newest librarian joins a former librarian's ghost to investigate two murders." A two-fer! Well, that's different I guess. In a way! In other ways it's precisely the same as all other books of this nature with interfering busybodies who have no business getting involved, running around impeding and otherwise trashing a police murder investigation for their own petty and pathetic reasons. I'll guarantee that this librarian - the living one - does no library work except maybe for a token gesture at it in each volume, but it doesn't really matter because no one is going to frequent a library where the patrons are always being murdered!
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