"Three months on an organic farm should give Cherry a new perspective on life, but can she prove to the farm's confident, beautiful owner that she isn't just a sightseeing city girl? Cherry finds herself seeking approval from her boss in a whole new way in this steamy read!" The newbie is called Cherry? And she's on a farm? Seriously? Pluck off. I notice, once again, that the only quality the farm owner seems to have, apart from confidence, and according to yet another female author, is that she's beautiful, because of course, as you know - or at least as all YA writers know anyway - beauty is the only measure of a woman; she ain't got that, she's worthless. Mark my worms....
Friday, August 13, 2021
Mary Bennet and the Beast of Rosings Park by Joyce Harmon
"Magician Mary Bennet...." Stop right there. No thanks. Barf. Go rip-off someone else for a change. If the author had actually read Austen, she'd know that Mary Bennet would never be allowed anywhere near Rosings by Lady Catherine. How come no one ever writes about Anne de Bourgh?
The Dragon Corps Box Set: Books 1-4 by Natalie Grey
"When commander Talon Rift" Stop right there - and fuck off. If that's the best name you can come up with I don't even want to know you let alone read your shitty novel. Unless it's a parody. About a Dragon Corpse that these dumb fucks are hauling around the countryside for some reason. Is it a parody? Thought not. Byeee!
Coast Road by Barbara Delinsky
"After Jack" Stop right there. That's an automatic hard no! Jack is the most tediously over-used name in literary history. What's his last name? Off? Has anyone, anywhere, ever actually met anyone who was named Jack? I thought not. "...learns that a car accident has left his ex-wife, Rachel, in a coma, he drops everything to take care of his teenage daughters in coastal California - and there, he gains a new perspective on life" Well of course he does - it's on the coast so his perspective is the ocean. What a dumb-asshole this Jack Off is.
Drive Me Crazy by Tracy Wolff
" Elise and Quinn grew up fighting with each other - and against their attraction." Yawn. Wake me up when we reach anything remotely original.... "But when he hears about Elise's car crash, Quinn brings her to his mansion, where he'll help her recover in the most seductive way possible...." Yeah, take advantage of the dependent disabled girl why don't you. This novel is indisputable dog shit from the off.
Slade's Glacier by Robert F Jones
"After World War II, veterans Jack and Sam" Oh look - it's Jack again. How original! "head to the Alaskan wilderness to work as bush pilots." I wonder whose bush they're working on? Hard no to this one.
Love Me Like You Mean It by Laura Burton
That title does not go with this story in which "Emma tells a white lie" No, it's a lie. There's no such thing as a white lie, especially not when the intention is purposeful deception for selfish gain. Emma outright lies "while trying on wedding gowns - and when her life spirals out of control, she ropes her best friend, Aidan, into posing as her fiancé." What a piece of work Emma is. I hope Aidan ditches her. OTOH, he's as bad as she is, knowing she's a liar and supporting her in perpetrating a falsehood instead of doing what a true friend would do - talking her out of it. This is yet another dumbass story where the dumbass woman doesn't grasp that her dumbass BFF is the one for her. So Emma isn't only a liar, she's a moron. There's a better story to be told here, but apparently the author was too wedded to this dumb one.
Ship It by Britta Lundin
"Pitch-perfect. I love this book so much I literally can't even" (Mackenzi Lee) - that tells me everything I need to know about this novel and about author Mackenzi Lee: avoid both! Thanks for the heads up! An alternate title suggestion though: Shove it?
Confined Desires by Katherine McIntyre
The author who likes to rhyme her titles...with her name! "When her high school bestie, Mia, comes to stay for a few weeks, Sky is flooded with her old unrequited feelings. And when they end up trapped in an apartment together, the sparks are undeniable." Does the apartment burn down from the sparks? Now that would be funny. Does the author (and/or the writer of this blurb) have any clue what 'unrequited' means? So what's up? Is Sky going to force herself on Mia? How is that in any way confining her desires? Either they need a new blurb or a new story, because one of these is fucked up.
Message in the Sand by Hannah McKinnon
"On one fateful summer night, a shocking and unexpected event transforms the residents of a small New England town." Judged by the cover it's the discovery of a headless woman sitting on the dock. Is she the headless horseman's girlfriend? Is that what happened? He lost his head over her? Well they sure can't put their heads together and solve that problem...or can they? This cover tells me the author and publisher consider that a woman's mind is completely unimportant. All that's of value are her primary and secondary sexual organs. No. Just no. And again, no.
Duke by Rozlan Mohd Noor
"When two people are gunned down in a locked car stuck in traffic, inspector Mislan suspects there's more to the case than it seems." OMG! What a genius he is! Barf.
The Single Matchmaker by JJ Arias
"Libby has finally inherited her family's matchmaking empire - but it's all at risk when her fiancé dumps her. To save her reputation, she ropes Reagan into being her pretend girlfriend." So she dishonestly seeks to save her business instead of simply finding a new match using her own business and hold that up as an example? What a fucking moron! Barf.
16 Lighthouse Road by Debbie Macomber
"In cozy Cedar Cove, family court judge Olivia sets the town abuzz with a ruling - and attracts the attention of newspaper editor Jack" yet another dumbass novel that is so unimaginative that it stoops to using the go-to, most overused heroic dumbass name ever: 'Jack'. His name is Jack Mehoff and as a news reporter he's jacked into the system. He's going to hijack judge Olivia's attention, and she won't be able to do jack about it. Yawn.
Pieces of Her by Robert J Walker
I would have read this, but I didn't want to get arrested for being a J Walker.... "When a child disappears without a trace while on a hiking trip in the woods, retired detective Jim Irons must face his own painful past to find answers in this haunting new crime thriller." Oh look - a detective with a painful past! How thoroughly original. Barf.
State of Emergency by Marc Cameron
What an original title! "After a two-pronged strike against the United States and Russia, elite Air Force agent Jericho Quinn" stop right there. No. Just no. Jericho? Seriously? Author Brad Thor thinks this is "Awesome" so we're given to understand. Remind me never to read anything he's written, either.
Dark Room by Heidi McLaughlin, LP Dover
"Wealthy Parker visits a sex club and indulges in the Dark Room - where talking is forbidden. But when anonymous sex with his best friend's sister, Mia, fulfills all his wildest fantasies, will they break the rules to be together?" How sweet! They can share their doses of penicillin. Barf.
Gracie's Secret by Jill Childs
An author named Childs writes a book about a child! "When her three-year-old daughter is nearly killed in a car accident, Jen is furious at the woman who was driving: Ella, her ex-husband's girlfriend. And soon, a devastating secret could come to light" That Gracie isn't her ex's child? No surprises there.
Steamborn: The Complete Trilogy by Eric R Asher
Jacob, a tinker's apprentice, has never ventured beyond Ancora's walls - but an enemy invasion forces him to embrace his destiny." Which is to run away beyond the walls? Is this another steampunk story that has little to no steam - and isn't even steamy?! Nothing could be rasher....
The Weight of a Thousand Oceans by Jillian Webster
"In a flooded near-future, Maia lives an isolated life" No, relaly? "dreaming of a brighter tomorrow - and of a land her grandfather insists is just a myth." Lemme guess: that land is the USA? Yawn.
The Chocolate Works by Geoffrey Knight
"Chicago businessman Henry has no idea what to do with the roadside diner he inherited from his uncle. But when he meets an irresistible chocolatier named Levi, he senses a sweet, delicious future for the restaurant... and himself!" Seriously?
A Vicarage Reunion by Kate Hewitt
Kate Blew it with this one - it makes three strikes for me with her. "Grappling with a recent loss, Esther leaves her stoic husband and moves in with her parents." Way to go, Esther! Ditch the guy right when he's at his most vulnerable. "But just as she begins to navigate her new, single life, Will shows up on her doorstep - prepared to do anything to win her back." Of course he is, because god forbid the Biblically named Esther will manage life on her own without some guy to rescue her. I wonder if anyone's told God's Will what a cold bitch his fantasy girl has become over the years? And he's trying to win her back? What went wrong the first time?
Plantation Shudders by Ellen Byron
This is no work of Byron! "When Maggie returns to her family's Louisiana bed-and-breakfast, she must find out who killed two of the guests before she goes to jail for the crime." Nope. It doesn't work like that lady Byron. The prosecutors have to prove you guilty. You don't have to prove you're innocent. Yawn. And 'Plantation Shudders'? Really? No. Just no.
Run Rose Run by Dolly Parton, James Patterson
So in the news on CNN's website yesterday was a story about Dolly Parton writing her own novel - which is fake news in my opinion, since she's working with James Patterson. To me, this means he's the one actually doing the writing, and presumably picking Dolly's brains as he goes. Of course he's going to get more sales if the fiction is that Dolly is writing it.
I don't know for sure: that's just a guess. Who knows, maybe she's teaching him a thing or two about writing. The novel is about a young woman who moves to Nashville to follow her dream of becoming a musician, so there's nothing original there at all. It's not even a stretch! There's some hint about her dark past following her, but again, nothing new there either. This plot has been done to death already.
The real fiction here is that the article claims that Patterson, who I don't like as an author, is America's number one bestselling author. What they're basing that on isn't revealed, but every news outlet is parroting it. Investigative journalism is dead, because that honor surely goes to someone like Danielle Steel or Harold Robbins in terms of total book sales? Patterson comes way down the list below them. I guess it's possible they're talking recent sales, in which case Patterson may be higher up the list, but it's still dishonest, because then you have to figure in people like Dean Koontz and Stephen King who are still currently writing and selling novels and have higher sales than Patterson, so whence the 'number one bestselling'? It sounds like numnber two to me.
Doubtlessly this novel will be a bestseller because of the big names involved, but I sure have no intention of ever reading it. It's another unoriginal and unimaginative yawner.
Paradise Crime Mysteries: Books 1-3 by Toby Neal
We're told this is from a USA Today bestselling author who is "persistently riveting" according to the illiterate fucks at Kirkus Reviews. Persistently riveting? Really? Is that a thing? As opposed to what? On-and-off riveting? Part-time riveting? Occasionally riveting? The story is "As bodies wash up on beaches and people vanish without a trace, Lei Texeira must track down killers who lurk in paradise." Yeah good luck with that. This is purportedly, "An unputdownable collection of reads set in Hawaii," but I'll pass. I'm really looking for something that's every other day riveting. This persistent riveting is really only half-gripping.
Changing Lines by RJ Scott, VL Locey
It took two to come up with this work of genius! "When hockey wunderkind Tennant Rowe meets his new coach, he knows he's in trouble. Jared Madsen is nine years older than Tennant, impossibly attractive, and - worst of all - his brother's off-limits best friend. Is their chemistry worth the risk?" What risk? Dumbass authors need to get over this brother's best friend is off-limits horseshit. That's not a thing. It sure as hell isn't rule. No, the problem here is that Jared is an authority figure in a positon of power over Tennant and that's the problem these idiots are missing. Barf. And Tennant Rowe, really? What is he - a rental?
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