"After finally reaching the legendary city of Atlantis, time traveler Roy Colton finds that he has the ability to enter the mind of an Atlantean prince." Of course he does! No wonder Quirkus Reviews found this a "must-listen" and they were not using that in the sense of 'musty, trust me. barf.
Saturday, September 4, 2021
Meant to Be by Lauren Morrill
"Fans of David Levithan will love this" - you know if you have to compare an author to somebody else, you've already lost, and on top of that you've insulted your readers. Booklist should stick to listing books. "On a school-sponsored spring break trip to London, studious Julia is partnered with her personal nemesis, Jason." Of course she is because this is yet another YA cookie-cutter clone cliche of a story that offers not a shred of originality, and features a dumbass main female charcter talking in first person. Don't try to deny it. You know it does. Es la Ley!
And founding fathers forbid that we should just tell a story about two English kids in London. Nobody wants to hear that; also, in the US, it's illegal for an author to have no US-native-born citizens in the story, even if the story has nothing whatsoever to do with the USA. You think this is crazy? Have you not seen what's been happening in Texas lately? We're long past crazy. Crazy was that ill-marked left turn a few miles back. No, we're way beyond that. We're into plaid now - the Plaid of Allegiance. Even if you write a story about the world before the USA existed, you still have to have a USA natural-born citizen in it.
And guess what? If you try to tell a story without a US person in it, the Taliban will take over. It's a fact. It happened in Afghanistan. You know it did: as soon as there were no US-type people left there, what happened? You got it! It's called 'us' for a reason. So this is why we absolutely cannot have just any two kids in London. No! That's illegal; they have to be native-borns or you're a traitor.
"But as the two race to solve a quirky mystery, they learn how much they have in common." Of course they do. You see it's the 'quirky' that got me. I'm sorry, but I'm allergic to 'quirky' in a book blurb. I fonly they'd put 'qwerty', I would ahve bene fine, but now I'm tearing up and sneezing, Gotta go....
History Decoded by Brad Meltzer, Keith Ferrell
"It took two people to come up with this horseshit? "From the Roman Spear of Destiny to Area 51...." Stop right there. Go fuck yourselves you stupid, delusional clowns. Get a fucking life.
Murder at an Irish Bookshop by Carlene O'Connor
Check this out! It's got murder, Irish, and a bookshop in it! That's got to be a trifecta that's close to perfection doesn't it? "When the body of a controversial writer is found within the stacks of her local bookstore, Siobhán will need to take a page out of her favorite mystery novel to solve the case" Why? Are the local cops fuck-ups? I do love the green-painted bookstore with shamrocks hanging down. How charmingly original! One question: could you be any more fucking condescending? Where's the leprechaun? The author hails from Chicago BTW, not Poblacht na hÉireann.
An American Outlaw by John Stonehouse
First in a series" You betcha! God forbid we have any standalone novels when you can trap people into a money-making boring series. "Army vet Gil returns home determined to stay true to his fellow servicemen - a promise that lands him smack in the middle of an ill-fated bank heist." Well, he's an American outlaw! Fuck outlaws from any other place, This motherfucker is American! Can't do wrong! Excuse me, I have an urgent appointment to go piss myself laughing. What is it with thsi insecurity that forces people to slap an American label on everything?
Archangel Down by C Gockel
"First in a series" Of course it is - but anything like this, with 'down' built into the title is a guaranteed bad choice. "On a distant planet in the 25th century," Um, every planet is distant, dipshit. "...military officer Noa Sato has been imprisoned for a crime she didn't commit." Let me guess, some white dude is going to rescue her? "Her only hope of clearing her name lies in the hands of James Sinclair, a scholar from Earth" Yup! Because god forbid any woman should be left to her own devices and not have some guy to control and validate her. Barf.
Anchored Hearts by Priscilla Oliveras
That title, right there, should be plenty to warn a reader off this one. "Anamaría's world is turned upside down when Alejandro, her first love who broke her heart, returns home to Key West, Florida - and her attraction to him proves inescapable. Because god forbid she should have moved on. It's better for her to be enslaved by this guy. You know I'm right. Priscilla Oliveras clearly understands that women want to be owned, to be toys, to be property, to be playthings, to be objects which are paused and on hold except when the alpha male is around.
A Summer Reunion by Fanny Blake
"Four childhood friends reunite at an elegant villa in Mallorca" because we can never have enough books about three or four childhood friends reuniting at some holiday resort. Barf. Good god how can there be so few original stories out there with so many authors publishing these days?! Or is that precisely the problem?
Civil War 101 by Peter S Carmichael
"March alongside infantry soldiers at Gettysburg in this audio course from a leading historian and professor!" because if there's one thing this world is absolutely screaming for, it's yet another in an endless line of tedious books about the US civil war. Get over it already!
Invisible City by Julia Dahl
"When fledgling reporter Rebekah Roberts moves to New York City, her investigation into the murder of a Hasidic woman" Can you say "A Stranger Among Us" rip off? Or are my comments too Hasid?
Hidden Path by Melissa F Miller
"After arriving at a remote Buddhist monastery for a silent retreat, forensic pathology consultant Dr Bodhi King is shocked to discover a dead body hidden in the surrounding cornfields. But when Bodhi stumbles across the murder weapons concealed deep within the monastery, he'll need to rely on his expertise to crack the gruesome case." Why? Are the local police utterly worthless? And Bodhi? Really? What's his first name? Dead? Cheyenne? How the hell is any investigation going to be conducted in a silent monastery? By sign language? By written responses? Thanks, but no thanks! They should make a musical movie of this - one where the monastery forbids speaking, but not singing.
The First Rule by Robert Crais
"Hungry for the truth behind the brutal execution of an old friend, PI Joe Pike...." Stop right there. Wasn't Pike the first name of another character in a different non-review? What is it with naming these dudes after fish? Shouldn't the title be The Fish Rule? Joe Pike? Honestly? No thanks. That naming tells me right there everything I need to know about this novel and none of it's good.
Recalled to Life by Reginald Hill
"When new evidence revives a notorious murder case, can Yorkshire detectives Dalziel and Pascoe untangle the truth behind a 30-year-old unsolved mystery?" Who gives a shit? Really? This tired trope has been resurrected too often.
Overture by Skye Warren
Skye Warren, really? "First in a series" of course it is! "Samantha and her guardian, Liam, share an aching desire for each other - and they're finding it harder and harder to resist the passion that burns between them" Then he needs to resign and let someone else take over so he can be with her, otherwise it's an unforgivable breach of protocol and an appalling abuse of a position of power. Another clueless author.
Edge of Light by Jay Antani
"First in a series" Of course it is! What novel isn't these days?! "After a meteor explodes in 2030, Dev and his friends race to find a secret hidden by his missing scientist father. But drones, a federal agent," Drones is the name of the Federal agent? LOL! and terrifying creatures are on their trail." Could this be any more obscure as to what this novel is about? Could it be any more inscrutable? I don't think so! The author needs more than an edge of light thrown on this. But I'll pass.
Mangos & Mistletoe by Adriana Herrera
"Arriving in Scotland," Yawn. How many times has this been done before? "...brooding pastry chef Kiskeya" Yawn. "... is determined to win the Holiday Baking Challenge, a reality TV competition!" Yawn and barf. Christmas in Summer? And why is it always Scotland or Ireland? Or England of France if it's a murder mystery. Why is it never Wales? "Original" is still a word in the dictionary, right? You can find it if you look for it, right? Sometimes I really wonder, because it seems to me that while these authors do have a thesaurus for looking up new euphemisms for female sexual organs and related body parts, they never ever, ever look in a dictionary at all. Go figure.
Match Made in Manhattan by Amanda Stauffer/Beechwood Harbor Magic Mysteries by Danielle Garrett
Here's another two-fer: Match Made in Manhattan by Amanda Stauffer
Rip-off movie titles much? "After two failed relationships, Alison dives into the world of online dating. Serial socializing leads to hilarious mishaps and wild personalities" Yawn. Pass. Next please.
AND Beechwood Harbor Magic Mysteries by Danielle Garrett
"Banished from the magical world, misfit witch Holly lands in a house with squabbling shifter and vampire roommates." How is this functionally any different from the story above? Seriously? How is it any different from the TV series? Clone clone clone all the way with some authors.
Murder in the Manor by Fiona Grace
"Looking for a fresh start, New Yorker Lacey moves to a quiet seaside town in England and opens an antiques shop." Why? How did she get a residency and a business permit? God forbid the story should be just about English characters. You can't do that it's illegal. You have to have at least one American character in your novel or it's worthless. "But when a customer is found dead, does she have what it takes to clear her name?" Because under English law you're not innocent until proven guilty, you're guilty as sin and must prove your own innocence. The cops and the courts are all out to get you. This is not about antiques, it's all garbage and trash without an original bone in its body.
The Iceman by PT Deutermann
"Aboard a cutting-edge submarine, iron-willed lieutenant commander Malachi Stormes uses unconventional tactics to brutal effect" Malachi Stormes? Are you fucking kidding me? Sink this one in the deepest, darkest depths.
The Voyeur Series by Ellis O Day
"When Patrick sees curvy Annie at La Petite Mort Club..." La petite mort is French slang for an orgasm. The gender of the words seems messed up because 'mort' is rendered as a feminine word when used in this context. It's very cofnusing! The blurb continues, "he knows she's the one for him. But then he discovers she's his best friend's little sister, making his attraction totally forbidden." Forbidden why? Doesn't the girl have any say in it? Is there any author out there, any at all, who can get away from this ridiculous cliché of a lie? O Day, can you see? Apparently not. I award it a rating of 4C: Cookie-Cutter Clichéd Clone.
Dancing by the Moonlight by Angie Ellington
The very title is enough tvoid this one. "After an injury sidelines her dance career, Olivia Shields returns to Carlisle Bay to run her aunt's seaside boutique - and is reunited with her high school crush, Brady Carlisle. Will they be able to rekindle the spark they had long ago for a second chance at love?" Was it ever in question? Unoriginal, clichéd, cookie-cutter clone tripe.
My Lovely Wife by Samantha Downing
"Millicent and her husband may look like your average couple - but the two are hiding a dark, shocking secret" What? That their carving knife has a dishwasher stain on it? The secret may be dark but I seriously doubt it's shocking. Clichéd is more likely. His wife is really his daughter? It's been done. Yawn.
Starbuck: Nantucket Redemption by Garth Jeffries
"When a riptide transports him back in time to the 19th century, wealthy businessman Peter finds himself working on a whaleship - and embarking on the adventure of a lifetime! Can he survive the danger of the high seas. and figure out how to get back home?" If slaughtering whales is his redemption I don't even want to know this jerk. Pick a better topic. Please. And the title? At least make the sotry fit. Why not have the Battlestar pilot find ehrself transported back to 1971 Seattle as this new coffee start-up begins to take off? That idea's better than the one you got, pal.
The First Rule of Ten by Gay Hendricks, Tinker Lindsay/Coming of Winter by Tom Threadgill
"With a background as a Tibetan monk, cop-turned-private investigator Ten uses his unique skill set to solve the murder of an acquaintance in the first installment of this one-of-a-kind mystery series!" Barf. One of a kind my ass. This is one of those too cute to be non-nauseating series where every title is a play on the main character's name. Gag me with a mantra. And it took two people to write it? I think Tinker should marry Scott Bell and take his name....
And: Coming of Winter by Tom Threadgill"FBI agent Jeremy Winter believes a hiker's disappearance is the work of a serial killer, but his superiors disagree. Should he risk pursuing the case?" Why ask? Another cliché of a series with titles all corny word plays on the main character's asinine name. These two novels are made for each other. Yawn.
Working Stiffs by Scott Bell
"In 2050, the government uses scientifically reanimated corpses to fill menial jobs." Seriously? Robots don't function anymore? Dumb-assery is rife here. Doesn't ring true, Scott! Barf.
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