The fact that Clown Cussler apparently once said that this author is "the finest adventure writer on the scene today" is more than enough to permanently turn me off his books.
Monday, September 6, 2021
Ink Witch by Lindsey Sparks writing as Lindsey Fairleigh
"To save her brother's soul, immortal assassin Kat Dubois will have to come out of retirement." So already we're knee-deep in trope with a main charcter named "Kat" and a main character coming out of retirment. Yawn. Is there anything here that's even remotely original? And what's with the dishonesty over the author name? How many frigging names does an author need before they can be accused of purposefully misleading readers? Or do they think their readers are so dumb they won't eventually find out it's the same person? The blurb asks stupidly, "can she find her brother before it's too late?" but who gives a shit? Especially if the author is so unimaginative that she's forced to retread the most tediously go-to purportedly bad-ass female name for a witch slash demon hunter slash paranormal girl. Yawn. That tells me everything I need to know about this waste of my time.
Doormaker by Jamie Thornton
"Maella is forbidden from opening any doors - or else she'll cause violence and destruction." So she's spent her entire life stuck in the nursery at the hospital where she was born.... "But when circumstances force her to break her family's rule, she enters a portal into a dangerous alternate world" And through there she'll meet a hot, hunky, handsome guy who will take care of her and tell her what to do. I could see that coming a portal away. Yawn.
Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig
"Miriam Black knows she can't rescue the people whose deaths she foresees. But when a vision of murder shakes her to the core, she risks everything to change the future" If she knows she can't change it, then why risk everything? Unless she's a callous idiot who's never seriously tried to change it. Either way I have no interest in reading about her. Why not call this novel "Black Ops" and start a whole series with derivative titles like "Blackout," "Black Jack,"and "Blackpool"?
Most Marshmallows by Rowboat Watkins
Someone with the unlikely name of Rowboat is stealing my shtick! "In a world of ordinary marshmallows, some dare to dream big!" The very nerve! No seriously, I wish Rowboat all the best. I was very unlikely to write about marshmallows (though it has crossed my mind!) and I'd actually have used pictures of marshmallows rather than line drawings had I done this, but what the heck! They're a definite target for a children's book and long overdue! I hope that getting a stamp of approval from the idiots at Kirkus doesn't cause problems for the book's sales: "Expressive line drawings pack beauty, tension, and drama into each page. This sweet flight of fancy will find a young audience eager to devour it" Yeah. Hilarious. But I consider this a worthy idea at least.
Can't Tie Me Down! by Janet Elizabeth Henderson
"As a virtual girlfriend, Mairi earns good money without ever risking her heart. But when someone tells her online boyfriends that she's in the market for a husband, they begin descending on her Scottish village to unpredictable effect! A hilarious and heartwarming read." How is having these guys swarming around like they're wild dogs and she's a bitch in heat even remotely amusing? Nauseating is more like it. This is harassment. No. Just no. I am not impressed by this author who is a Scot who abandoned her homeland and moved to New Zealand, yet now writes lovingly of Sctoland? Seriously?
Murder in an Irish Village by Carlene O'Connor
Another 'Irish' book by another O'Connor who again isn't Irish. She hails from Chicago. It was really the 'quaint' that got me on this description: "Murder turns a quaint town on its head when Siobhán O'Sullivan stumbles upon a well-dressed corpse - seated at a table in her family's bistro!" The quaint says to me that this will be yet another condescending look at the Irish. Maybe it won't be, but I lost all faith in it from that alone. The title doesn't help, and this description: "If Janet Evanovich and Maeve Binchy wrote a book together, Murder in an Irish Village would be the result" really turned me off because I'm not a fan of either of those authors and even were I, I wouldn't trust that this author could emulate either of them much less both together. So essentially, the description failed to do its job - again!
Infinity Beach by Jack McDevitt
Though humanity has expanded from Earth to nine settled worlds, they're alone in the universe - but when Dr Kimberly Brandywine investigates a missing expedition, she makes a shocking discovery. "McDevitt is the logical heir..." Given Stephen King's twisted logic, I don't doubt he believes this; i doubt only that it's true. My reviews of McDevitt's books can be found in this blog. Most of them are not good.
Venus Rising Boxset by Golden Angel
Golden Angel? Seriously? "When Jessica enrolls at the Venus School to explore the limits of her sexuality...." Does Goldie know that 'box' is a euphemism for vagina? I can't think of anything more boring than this, except maybe some other novel by the same author.... And I'll bet there's no box with this boxset. I buy a boxset, there'd better be a fucking box with that shit.
The Once and Future Queen: Secrets of the Starcrossed by Clara O'Connor
Ss she makes a decent stab at it by substituting 'queen' for 'king', but 'starcrossed' anywhere on the book cover is an automatic 'throw it into the trash' for me. Oh and the blurb begins with 'in a world' which is so tired. "In a world where the Roman Empire still reigns" Barf. "Cassandra" barf! "is betrothed to the most eligible bachelor in Londinium" Barf! The author is Irish, she writes a novel about the Roman empire, yet she sets it not in Rome but in London? I wonder why? Oh wait! She works in LA in TV. Now everything's clear. Yawn.
Sleight of Paw by Sofie Kelly
Anything with a dog or a cat on the cover is a no-no for me. Especially one where the titles play on the word Paw: "Sleight of Paw," "Faux Paw," etc. What's the next going to be? Paw-ty On, Dude? When two cats follow her home, librarian Kathleen is shocked to learn they have supernatural powers." I imagine she is. Yawn. "Can her new kitties help her figure out who killed local senior Agatha?" I'm going to take a wild ass guess and say 'yes!", but there's no way in hell they will name the perp - not without eking it out in tedious dribs and drabs over the entire length of the novel. Yawn.
A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms by George RR Martin
The 'RR' in his name is him laughing at the punters buying into this shit. "The young knight Ser Duncan and his squire, Egg," Seriously? What's his horse's name? McMuffin? Barf. Yes, he's successful, and more power to him, I guess, but I will never read anything by this author because it has zero appeal to me.
Royal Ruin by Jessica Peterson
"His Royal Highness Prince Christopher needs a fake fiancée - and love isn't part of the contract. But when Emily takes him up on his proposal, their scorching chemistry lights a fire they never expected!" There is no way this hasn't been done to death already. Barf. And how in fuck is anyone going to be fooled by the fake fiancée shit? The media will know. Everyone will know. And is this really the way the prince wants to appear to his subjects? As a liar? A loser? A deceiver? It's horseshit.
Private Charter by NR Walker
"Stuart Jenner is looking to recuperate from the demands of his stressful job by chartering a private yacht." Yeah. I can see how he'd be really stressed out to the max with all that money. I know I would be. Barf.
The Beast Within by Serena Valentino
"A reclusive and bitter beast lives alone in a remote castle - but he wasn't always this way. Once, he was a handsome, beloved prince whose life was changed by a terrible curse" Hasn't this been done already like a gazillion times? Honestly? This is the best you got? Why not call it "The Beast Without" since, in the words of Kendra Morris, "he ain't got no love"?!
Blood on the Chesapeake by Randy Overbeck
"Darrell Henshaw is looking for a fresh start in the seaside town of Wilshire." A town called Wilshire? Seriously? No.
Publishable by Death by ACF Bookens
Someone whose name sounds like bookends writes a book about a bookstore? Come on! Seriously? "Bookseller Harvey Beckett is shocked when a reporter's body is found in her store on its opening day! Amid the hustle and bustle of a festival in sleepy St Marin's, can Harvey and her hound dog, Mayhem, sniff out a killer?" And it's her job rather than the police, why, exactly? Barf. Just barf. And a lot of it. This novel is barking mad.
Caesar's Legion Stephen Dando-Collins
The fact that Kirkus praised this is enough to put me off it. "Witness the army of Rome at the height of its power in this popular history that follows the military feats of the 10th Legion's tactics, battles, and daily life" but the tenth was only one of four legions Caesar had under his control. It was one he levied himself and supposedly liked, but this was the same legion that broke and fled with the other three at the Battle of Dyrrhachium. It was the thirteenth with which Caesar crossed the Rubicon, not the tenth. The book itself may possibly be a decent history and a worthy read for interested parties, but the book description isn't exactly crystal clear. No suprises there.
Two Wrongs by Mel McGrath
"After several young women jump to their deaths in Bristol, Honor is desperate to determine the grim cause" and finds it's easily fixed by putting appropriate safety measures in place. Yawn.
The Listening Eye by Patricia Wentworth
"After a deaf woman lip-reads a conversation about a dangerous robbery, Miss Maud Silver must stop the crime - and save the woman's life." Why? Were the police taking the day off? Yawn. Wentworth is a pretty cool name for an author, so I wanted better than this.
Storm Clouds by Steven Becker
"John and Mako Storm are more than just father and son" Of course they are! But Mako? Really? "they're skilled secret agents." Of course they are. But how secret are they really, if this book is about them? LOL! This is yet another dumbass novel that's part of a series each of which uses the main character's name in a hard-bitten two-word title. Barf. This genre is so overdone that it's baked into bricks you could build a house with. "And when a pharaoh's legendary tomb is located after centuries shrouded in secrecy," How is that possible with Google Earth? Yet another gung-ho example of some author thinking it's a brilliant idea to have the USA policing the world and crashing uninvited into a Middle East nation, laying down the law, telling the Egyptians what to do with their own nation. Way to go!
Dark Rising by Greig Beck
Anything with 'rising' in the title should be your warning that you need to move on to the next book on your list and skip this one. "As Captain Alex Hunter" Hunter? seriously? "and his crew set out to find the source of a massive amount of radiation in the Iranian desert, they find themselves caught in the center of an ancient prophecy - and they must race to stop a catastrophic event." Yawn. Yet another gung-ho example of some author thinking it's a brilliant idea to have the USA policing the world and crashing uninvited into a Middle East nation, particularly one that detests the USA, and laying down the law. Way to go! And which desert? There are two, the Kavir, and the Lut. Clearly this story needs a lot of rewrites.
Ballistic by Mark Greaney
"Ex-CIA assassin Court Gentry" Court Gentry? Are you serious with that? What kind of fucked-up name is that shit anyway?! I'm already laughing too hard to even consider buying this trash. But he "fights for justice and survival after stumbling into a war between rival criminal factions." Why? Why is it a problem for him? He's ex-CIA. Can't he just disappear? LOL! This is just another cheap excuse for a guy to write shit about some dude slaughtering a whole bunch of other dudes. End of story. Yawn.
Lost Creed by Alex Kava
"Sixteen years ago, Ryder's sister vanished. When new information emerges about her disappearance, Ryder and his K9 team will stop at nothing to uncover the truth." So they do literally nothing and all is magically revealed! LOL! So let's consider this seriously: for almost two decades, Ryder literally did nothing to solve his sister's disappearance, and now suddenly he'll stop at nothing? Nothing surprises me anymore. My experience of Kava is that of a plodding writer who simply cannot get to the point no matter how many pages she fills. Yawn.
Mountains Trilogy by Phoebe Alexander
"They're as different as two people can be," Are they really?! "but the chemistry between college professor Sarah Lynde and Army officer James McAllister is too hot to handle" and nevertheless it gets safely slapped between the staid gray covers of a book. Yawn.
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