"When an old friend lands in trouble, former Special Reconnaissance Regiment officer Nick Kane steps out of retirement and sets out to hunt down a relentless cartel leader." Not a thing new here. Coming out of retirement to solve a problem? Been done to death. Same old tired and retreaded title as well. Yawn.
Friday, September 24, 2021
Once Blessed, Thrice Cursed by Coralie Moss
A Coralie Moss gathers no tomes.... This sounded good on paper, but unfortunately I read it as an ebook and that's not so good! I liked the idea of three sisters. I am not a fan of shapeshifter stories, but I read a thoroughly entertaining novel about three wolverine shapeshifter sisters and it was funny and told a good story, but this one, which I had hoped might be similarly entertaining - although this is witches, not shifters - wasn't.
It began well and after I had a sorry encounter with the trope 'hot' demon guy which about made me barf, it seemed to resolve itself, and I thought, okay, let's move on. The story had some original takes on stuff and so was different enough to really appeal to me, and it had some interesting situations - although the magic was a little trope and oddly inexplicable at times. But lo and behold, the demon guy had two hot brothers, so three demons, one young, one middle, and one older, were sickeningly magical matches with the three sisters of the same relative age. The nauseating description of the main character's assigned demon about made me cry-heave, and that was it for me. It was far too high-school and YA and I was out of there.
Demons are problematical because it seems like writers have to make them either hot and studly, or foul and disgusting, and there's no middle ground. I don't get that approach to demon-writing. To parody Clypso in their song Middle Ground:
Create a demon and it make you throw up
Or the beast is written like Chris Hemsworth
The appeal runs straight to zero
No middle the ground, they don't write just so
Demon characters in general are only intriguing to me if they're not retreaded clichés or trope cloned characters. Having had to deal with it myself in Nature of the Beast, and looking at, somewhere down the road, at least one more story involving a demon, this is more than an academic interest for me. Demons came into Judaism (and thence to Christianity and Islam) from Zoroastrian religion, which itself seems to have drawn them from Hinduism, and although they don't appear in the Old Testament, they are rife in the New. At that point they're consistently evil, so a writer really needs to offer some sort of an explanation if their demons are good, and sadly, most have none to offer.
It's like they think, "Hey! I know! I'll toss a good demon into the mix!" Clunk. The problem with this is that not only are demons represented as evil in the Bible, so are witches (remember "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live"?). There's some minor dispute over what the writer of that passage in Exodus 22 actually meant by 'witch' - or rather by the ancient Hebrew word that was translated as witch, but it seems to have meant those who practice forms of magic. So if you're gong to have demons and they're bad, how can you have good witches? OTOH, if you can have good witches, then I guess you get to have good demons too, but please try to offer some sort of rationale for it rather than just put it out there as a fait accompli! So in short, I did not like how sadly trope the demons were in this story, and especially not the sparkly horns, and evne mroe especially with no attmept at any sort of justification or rationale. I just found the rendering of them laughable here, which was another turn-off.
Some editing was called for such as when I read, "I noticed the threads had become noticeably..." Really? But that was a minor issue. Overall though, and for the reasons detailed, I can't commend this, although I would consider reading something else by this author.
New Lease Of Love by Arizona Tape
This was a dual first person PoV that I quickly tired of. It was so larded with cliché, and it had one of the main characters smoking, which is a huge turn-off for me. I mean it was already failing for me before then, but I was prepared to read on for a while; all that did was completely burn it for me.
It wasn't only the first person (barf) that spoiled it, either, but first person from two perspectives which is barf squared. Whenever I read that, it reminds me of two suspects being grilled by police, in different interrogation rooms, and it doesn't work. Well, it works for the police if they can catch them in a contradiction or get one to sell out the other, but it doesn't work as a tired plot device in fiction. 1PoV is bad enough and is usually horrible to read, but two of them just makes it so much worse. It's rare to find a 1PoV done well, let alone a two, and this sure wasn't one. The premise was wonderful - a March-June relationship (as opposed to a May-December or worse, a January-December which is frankly perverse), between two women, but the execution killed it.
I read at one point, "...but she had a symmetrical face. The customers would appreciate that" which strictly speaking isn't true. People like faces that are close to the average face they're used to. As far as symmetry goes, a study in 1996 discovered that children and young adults found those with slight facial asymmetry to be more attractive. It's a minor point, but let's not get hung up on perfection. Perfect faces, according to another study, might not be the signifier of good health that our long history has misled us to believe!
The story was marred by poor writing here and there. On one occasion I read, "With a sigh, I shoved my phone back in my designer purse." Really? You have to specify designer purse? That felt so pretentious that it about made me gag. I cannot read books written like that. I can't even take them seriously. Later I read, "With a sigh, I ran a hand along my head." Along? I can see ‘over’ my head or ‘down’ my face, but along? That's just weird. In and of themselves, things like this are not that important, unless there are many of them. Everyone screws up. Every author misses a grammatical or spelling problem here and there, or writes an awkward phrase now and then, but these added on top of other issues just make a novel unreadable for me.
Overall, I found this story plodding, tediously metronomic, and I did not like either character at all, so this was a DNF for sure. I can't commend it based on what I read.
Bitter Alpine by Mary Daheim
"When a murder occurs in the snowy mountain town of Alpine, Emma Lord, who runs Alpine's newspaper, investigates - with help from her sheriff husband and her receptionist." Excuse me? She investigates with the help of the sheriff? Isn't that ass-backwards? Shouldn't it be the frigging sheriff who investigates? WTF? Another dumbass story, but at least it doesn't have 'sleuth' in the blurb, so it has that. Yawn.
The Mostly Real McCoy by Julie Christianson
"Former kindergarten teacher Brooke needs a fresh start, far from her life in Los Angeles." Another female-authored chick running from something to a small town for safety and meeting the love of her life. At least she has the perfect name - brooks do run.... But seriously, how many times has this exact story been done to death now? "a temporary nanny gig in charming Apple Valley, Oregon, seems like the perfect idea." Wait, she was a teacher and now she's a temp nanny? And that seems perfect to her? Sounds like Brooke is a dumb-ass. "until she starts falling for single dad Mac" Daddy mac, really? "...and his pigtailed daughter, Daisy." Og tailed? Really? Daisy? really? Oh wait! I see what happens here. When Daisy comes of age Brooke plucks her from her miserable existence with brutal Mac, runs away with her, and they live happily ever after in a May-December relationship in Cider City, Oregon where they open the avant garde Daisybrook fashion house. Got it! Great idea for an original story. Yawn.
Lost Soul by Adam Wright
"First in a series" No shit! Yawn. "Paranormal detective Alec Harbinger" Stop right there. Another dumbass character name. Barf. I don't need to read anymore to know this is a non-starter.
Black Amaranth by Sasha Hibbs
"After her high school graduation, Ally arrives home to find her uncle in a deadly battle against a powerful monster!" Yeah, his penis got out of control again. This is why Ally's mom left them. "With her life turned upside down, she" discovers she's actually in Australia and a kangaroo court finds her guilty of performing medical Hop-erations without a license. She runs away to a small town where she meets the love of her life among men who can actually control their respective and respectful penises...in interesting and very satisfying ways. Yawn.
Treasure of Darkness by SW Hubbard
"After losing everything she holds dear," all that she has left is cheap shots. "Audrey Nealon takes a job going through a cluttered home in hopes of finding a valuable historical artifact. Instead, she uncovers a series of explosive secrets that" blow up in her face, killing her. From the afterlife, she sees that a nearby radiator has gone nuclear, causing a chain reaction that destroys the entire planet. Boy is she glad she's not on Earth anymore! That's the spirit! Yawn. WTF is it with authors and explosive secrets?
Small Vices by Robert B Parker
"Private eye Spenser is hired to clear the name of a man accused of murdering a wealthy young woman enrolled at a ritzy college. Can Spenser stay alive long enough to uncover the truth?" Nope. While camping it up on campus, an unfortunate sexual experiment results in his carotid artery becoming trapped in a small vice suffocating him; hence the novel's title. And if Robert be Parker, then who the hell is Spenser?
The Family Gathering by Robyn Carr
"In the close-knit town of Sullivan's Crossing," Wait, I'm confused! Is this a cosy mystery about a bunch of knitting club "sleuths"? Never mind! "...four siblings gather for a family wedding - and find their bonds tested as" the Sullivans cross each other repeatedly, angering everyone until the entire town becomes embroiled in an almighty gun-battle leaving the whole population dead. Now that would be a cosy mystery! As for this? Meh.
Thursday, September 23, 2021
Bounty Hunter by Olivia Voorhees
This was Black Annis Origins, number 3, and was coincidentally the third of these that I've read. They're all really short stories, but I did not read them in any kind of order, and I'll read no more now, because they have been universally warty and have actually put me off reading the next novel in the series.
I liked the Black Annis story, but these prequels were a literal waste of my time. This one was particularly obnoxious because the bounty hunter was a thoroughly unlikeable self-centered jerk. The following quote should tell you all you need to know about her. To put it in context, the BH has a shootout with her quarry, and ends up decapitating the guy, taking his head with her in her car as proof of death, but the head contains a bomb. Rather than simply throw it out the car, this fucking moron ejects using a James Bond style ejector seat. She had a parachute in a wrist band (seriously?) so she comes to no harm, but here's what she says: “I shed a tiny tear as the Camaro burst into flames and crashed into oncoming traffic" In other words she doesn’t give a fuck about what happens to anyone else as long as she's safe. That's where I quit reading this.
The Summer Retreat by Sheila Roberts
"Reeling from a breakup, Celeste" catches this huge fish. 'It's all in the wrist action', she declares as she scales new heights. Oh, wait, no! She "...retreats to her sister’s beachside inn — where the quirky denizens of Moonlight Harbor" Stop right there. How many hundreds of times has this exact story been written already? Weak woman running home like a child, 'quirky' people? She inevitably finds the love of her life? This is pretty much exactly the same story this author already wrote in "Beachside Beginnings" which I also gave a non-review. Barf squared.
Maybe: The Complete Series by Ella Miles
"An explosive complete trilogy from a USA Today bestselling author" Explosive diarrhea more like, because goddess forbid an author should write a standalone when they can milk one story over three volumes! Barf. "To inherit her family fortune, Kinsley must agree to certain terms — including marrying a domineering stranger, Killian. But after their first meeting in Las Vegas, passion erupts!" Of course it does, because hell no to having a strong female character in a female-authored romance novel! Hell-to-the-no that we should have a story about a woman who rejects this offer and makes it on her own, which would be a far more engrossing story than this tedious, drawn-out, repetitive shit ever will be! Maybe the complete series. Maybe not! Who knows? Who cares, really? Hella miles on this tired old story.
Midnight by Melanie Gilbert
Bone-headedly brain-dead: "First in a series" Of course it is, because why fart out only one crappy novel if you can dump a shit-ton of diarrhea? "When Nova" Nova? Seriously? Nova? Why not just call her Special Snowflake? "stumbles into a war between a witch coven and a Fae clan," Another author too chickenshit to call 'em fairies. "...can her own Prince Charming help her survive" Another weak woman needing a man to validate her. Barf to the max.
Just One Year by Gayle Forman
"illem is determined to find Lulu," Yeah I know his name's Willem, but I like my version better. It's more accurate. "...the girl he connected with briefly in Paris." and was such a fucking asshole that he didn't try to stay with her then? Kiss his loser ass off! "But what does fate have in store for them?" Is that a serious question? It's a fucking romance! Oh look an unoriginal quote: "An alluring story that pushes beyond the realm of star-crossed romance" Star-crossed the most overused phrase ever in these books. That alone is sufficient to ditch this trash.
On the Ice by Amy Aislin
That's the best you got for a title?! "Pursuing his dream of becoming a professional hockey player," never seen that before in a gay romance. Yawn. "Mitch needs a tutor so he doesn’t fail a class and lose his scholarship." So Mitch is a dumbass. Got it. "But he wasn’t expecting it to be NHL defenseman Alex" Really? Everyone else was. He really is a dumbass. Yawn.
The Lie by Stella Gray
"When Emzee does a favor for her wealthy best friend, Ford," I'll bet she does. That's hardly stellar, Stella. "...she suddenly finds herself pretending to be his fiancée!" Just like that! Aw shucks! These things happen! Because that hasn't been done a gazillion times before in a cookie-cutter clone of a story that's beyond tedious and well into barf-worthy by now. "As their fake engagement heats up in public, their red-hot chemistry in private ignites a true passion… First in a series." No, it really isn't. It's one in an endless series of cloned stories. Barf.
School Spirits by Rachel Hawkins
"The youngest in a long line of monster slayers, Izzy Brannick is surprised when her mom moves their family to a new town." Why? If the monsters are all slain, it's surely time to move to fresh hunting grounds! Izzy is obviously a dumbass. "But Izzy’s high school has more secrets than she anticipated" Then she's the only one; everyone else fully expected this. Another reason to think she's a dumbass. This exact story has been done a bazillion times before. No wonder the retarded reviewers at Kirkus think its "original and funny".
Fire and Ice by JA Jance
"Arizona Sheriff Joanna Brady and Seattle detective JP Beaumont" aka The Big Bopper, from Richardson, Texas must team up." They meet at the Sheldon National Antelope Refuge, created by that guy from Big Bang Theory, and wonder why they're lost somewhere on the border of Oregon and Nevada when they ought to be in their respective states solving crime. "Their two homicide investigations intersect in a shocking way" when they discover that the fence surrounding the park is electrified and they spend the rest of their life reporting on current affairs for ABC - the Antelope Broadcasting Corporation..... Yawn.
Cave of Bones by Anne Hillerman
"Police officer Bernadette Manuelito investigates a missing person case on volcanic terrain, while Sergeant Jim Chee faces trouble after a man he imprisoned for domestic violence is released." Meanwhile his Korean half-sister Kim Chee, a victim of foreign violence takes out her frustrations on the last surviving volcano, rendering it extinct....
The Medusa Stone by Jack Du Brul
"When an American spy satellite crashes down in Eritrea, it reveals a legendary lost mine! Can geologist Philip Mercer survive an international web of danger and intrigue?" Nah. He was standing right under it when it came down. He's dead as a doornail. Meanwhile other dead doornails rise up and it becomes a zombie apocalypse of dead doornails. Resentful of being abused for so many years to describe dead folks, they rebel and rampage through city after city nailing victims relentlessly. Yawn. It needs to be retitled Doornail of the Dead....
Defiance by Jason Krumbine
"A century after an alien attack nearly destroyed the entire United Planetary Alliance, the enemy has returned. Isolated on the outer rim, daring Captain Mitchell and the crew of the USS Defiance are about to become the first line of defense." Why? The UPA have had a century to prepare for another alien attack and they're caught unawares? They have no AI defenses? No robot defenses? This author like so many other sci-fi authors (I'm looking at you David Weber) has simply not thought it through. Naturally you want a human element in your story, but that doesn't mean the story has to be brain-dead and reliant on the same thinking, and the same technology, we use today! Nor on the same unimaginative bullshit stories everyone else has already told at least twice.
Coconut Cowboy by Tim Dorsey
"From a New York Times bestselling author" I somehow doubt that! "Determined to recreate the classic film Easy Rider, serial killer Serge mounts a motorcycle and heads to Florida in pursuit of freedom and the American Dream!" Since when is serial-killing the American dream? This ought to be renamed "Plain Nuts Cowboy" What's Serge's first name? Covid? Barf.
Under the Harrow by Flynn Berry
Flynn Berry? Seriously? "Nora travels to the country to visit her sister - but finds her" sister has travelled to the city to visit her! They go back and forth like this for several weeks until one of them is killed by exhaustion. The other is beside herself so it's like no one died. Barf. Another cookie cutter murder non-mystery.
Night Is Darkest by Jayne Rylon
"After a tragedy, Lacey finds comfort in the arms of her brother's two best friends, Mason and Tyler - An 'irresistibly sexy' read" I'll resist. Mason and Tyler? These guys work in the building trade? Barf. I cannot argue with the title though. She got that right. Sign along with me: The night is dark, the day is light, together we learn to fuck all night, fuck all ni-i-ight...! This author seems to specialize in the dumbest stories imaginable.
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