Victoria Thompson? Really? Writing Victorian stories? Hmm.... You see? Once authors start lying about who they are, you can't trust any author name. "At the turn of the 20th century, midwife Sarah Brandt investigates a murder involving one of New York City’s richest families." And a midwife is investigating murders because? Oh, I know! She gets to use her renowned catchphrase, "Let's deliver this baby to the Big House!" (canned audience applause and laughter)
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
The Sunny Side Up Cozy Mysteries Box Set by Rosie A Point
Rosie Point? Seriously? Is that a eupehmism for a clitoris or a nipple? "Join Sunny as she takes over her quirky..." I'm done right there! No thanks! Put this set in a box and bury it six feet down.
Speechless by Madeline Freeman
"An absorbing, imaginative retelling of The Little Mermaid!" Because the world so desperately needs yet another one of those. Yawn. On a fish scale of one to ten? It's a binary scale, so not much.
Arcana by Jessica Leake
"In this historical tale of supernatural suspense, Katherine Sinclair must navigate Edwardian London society while attempting to conceal her mystical abilities from the sinister organization intent on stealing her power" Oh my god, that sounds like an impossibly tough gig. Yawn.
The Accidental Bestseller by Wendy Wax
"Desperate to revive her career, novelist Kendall and her three author friends write a book using their own secrets as inspiration — but what happens when it becomes a bestseller?" Who gives a shit?
Showdown in the Keys by Matthew Rief
"Navy SEAL vet Logan Dodge is finally ready to enjoy his retirement in the Caribbean." Logan Dodge? Seriously? And yet another story where the retiree is called out of retirement. This is so tired. So tired. Yawn. Zzzzzz!
The Other Woman by Sandie Jones
"Emily’s relationship with Adam is almost perfect." So why is there a problem? "There’s only one catch — his mother, Pammie, who’s about to show Emily just how far she’ll go to get what she wants" Again, why is there a problem? This is supposedly about Emily and Pammie (Pammie? Really?), but it's really about Adam. If he can't be trusted then fuck him! Move along! There's no story to see here. Yawn. If Adam knows how bad is mother is and does nothing, he's an asshole. If he doesn't, he's a dumbass. Either way, ditch him!
Deadly Motives by Ann Girdharry
"When a nurse is murdered at a hospital, Detective David Grant immediately recognizes the work of a serial killer he knows all too well. The only problem? David caught the killer decades ago — and he’s been in prison ever since" How many times has this same plot been done now? Yawn.
Movie Club Mysteries Books 1–3 by Zara Keane
"Ex-cop turned private investigator Maggie Doyle is looking for a quaint life on Whisper Island. Unfortunately, dead bodies keep turning up" Ri-ight. On this tiny island - which turns out to be more deadly than Chicago. Sure. Yawn.
Unleashed by Emily Kimelman
"Tough Joy Humbolt takes over a dog-walking business to avoid contact with people - but her plan backfires when she discovers a dead body on day one. Now Joy must delve into the potentially lethal secrets of Manhattan’s elite" because as everyone knows, a dog walker is hands-down better at solving crime than the entire NYPD. Barf. Maybe this author should go back on the leash until she gets a lead?!
Deadly Intent by James P Sumner
"Retired assassin Adrian Hell...." That name right there is enough to never want to read anything by this author. "...now runs a bar in rural Texas. But after strangers arrive to recruit him for a job, he’s drawn inexorably into a plot involving a sinister government conspiracy." A retiree is called back into the saddle? It's been done to death. And we're supposed to root for a murderer? No. Sorry, but no. So what does a retired assasin do - murders people for a hobby? And isn't every government conspiracy sinister? Or are some actually quite nice once you get to know them? Barf.
Commander by Sienna Snow
"When Tara Zain’s former lover, powerful Ashur Kumar, comes to her to propose an arrangement - for a fake marriage - she can’t help but say yes" That tells me what a complete dipshit she is. Bye!
House Broken by Sonja Yoerg
"After her disagreeable mother is injured, veterinarian Geneva works to rebuild their fractured relationship. But will shocking revelations tear them apart for good?" Who gives a shit? Really?
Planetfall by Emma Newman
"On an alien planet, Ren conceals a catastrophic secret from her fellow colonists" So she's a dishonest piece of controlling shit who would selfishly and thoughtlessly put her colleagues' lives at risk? No thanks.
Warprize by Elizabeth Vaughan
"Possibly the best romantic fantasy I have ever read" tells me all I'll ever need to know about Anne McCaffrey. "Lara must sacrifice her freedom to save her people when a Firelander Warlord claims her as his Warprize" Yep, because women are trophies and prizes. What's going to happen next - she'll fall for the brutal villain who owns her? Barf. Not only has it been done to death, it's bullshit. And warmed-over bullshit at that.
Feinted Love by Elle Keaton
"After one unforgettable night, Tobias never thought he’d see Arnie again - until he literally runs into him." So these two guys are both into unsafe sex? Wonderful. See you at the clinic.... Barf. And why is it that it's always women who are writing these gay men's stories? Is it because it's always women who are reading them? So much for #OwnVoices!
Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas
Entertainment Weekly purportedly described this as "Groundbreaking." Given that choice of word, I think they were being sarcastic. "When his family refuses to accept his identity, Yadriel summons a ghost to prove himself - but instead of resurrecting his dead cousin, he brings back his school’s bad boy, Julian." No. Just no. Hell to the no. This is dumb-assery at its height.
Four Last First Dates by Kate O’Keeffe
Between grief and her new catering company, Bailey has no time — especially not for love or the marriage pact she agreed to with her best friends. But when she meets Ryan, all bets may be off" Yep. This is as dumb-ass as it gets. Marriage pact? What are these women - thirteen? This tells me that Bailey is as dumb as a person can get and still keep breathing. Barf.
Murder in an English Village by Jessica Estavao, aka Jessie Crockett, aka Jessica Ellicott
Jessica Ellicott is actually quite a charming name - it seems like it ought to be borne by a character in a novel such as this rather than the author. That's because it's a fictional name. The author's actual name is Jessica Estavao, who also writes are Jessie Crockett. To me that's just plain dishonest, but I know a lot of authors do it in hopes of boosting sales. The book blurb is also a fail. "When murder rocks their sleepy English village, adventurous American Beryl and sophisticated Brit Edwina combine their talents as sleuths." Because heaven forbid we should have a novel without an American in it. It's just not done, Old Boy! This is writing at its most uninventive and formulaic. I'd question if the author has even been to Britain (New England doesn't count), and anything with the word 'sleuth' anywhere on it is anathema to me. Barf.
The Invisible Husband of Frick Island by Colleen Oakley
Supposedly hailed as 'imaginative, lovely, and full of surprises' by Kristan Higgins. Who the hell is Kristan Higgins and why shoudl ic are what they think? "On tiny Frick Island, widow Piper carries on like her husband’s still there." Many women do, but who gives a frick about this fictional one? Obiously she needs medical help and the assholes who are her neighbors clearly don't give a shit, so why should we?
Life and Other Inconveniences by Kristan Higgins
That title is a dead givaway right there. "When single mom Emma receives a call for help from her estranged grandmother, the two women are forced to confront the old wounds that tore them apart." No, and once again, hell no! If they're estranged, why does her grandmother even have her number? This 'old wounds' shtick has been done to death already.
Ravenstone The Complete Saga by MS Verish
"In this set of two novels, a mysterious wizard assembles a team of misfits" That's two strikes right there: 'Saga' in the title and 'a team of misfits' in the blurb. That's like a 'ragtag bunch' or 'quirky' Sorry, but no.
Heart of the Dragon by Jamie Sullivan
Here's one for the ages (the dark ages): "Young knight Richard of Benfro hopes to slay a legendary dragon - but he didn’t count on falling for his target’s human son! Oenyn loves his adoptive father, but when he meets Richard, he finds himself torn between two worlds… An enchanting fantasy romance." Not! How is Oenyn pronounced? Is it like 'Onan'? Stop dragon my heart around...Yawn.
Hollow Wishes by Juliet Vane
"Teenage Winter is friends with the ghost that lives in her family’s caverns...." Her family has caverns? Most people would call them cavities, but I geuss they just have big mouths. The question is, why is a ghost haunting them? Maybe it's a dentist? Yawn. Just another winter's tale. What are the odds that Winter's ghost is a hot manly dude? Barf. Another dumb-ass YA story.
Bloodsucking Fiends by Christopher Moore
"Jody wakes up in an alley craving blood." If I had a dime for every time that's happened to me...I'd have nothing. "Now an unwilling vampire, she enlists aid from a nighttime supermarket stocker to hunt down whoever left her for undead." WTF? Seriously? Some random shelf stocker is her solution? What we need is Christopher Less. And that title? Really?
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