"Years after their friendship-ending fight, Drue asks Daphne to be the maid of honor at her Cape Cod wedding." Thats the entire plot? Hot Dog! Why is it 'maid of honor' yet on the other side of the aisle, it's 'best man'? Can't we have 'bachelor of honor' or call her the 'best woman'? Personally I've always thought the best man was supposed to be the guy who's getting married and the same for the woman, but what do I know?!
Thursday, October 14, 2021
Seven Ways to Kill a King by Melissa Wright
"Princess Myrina of Stormskeep was meant to die in the massacre that took her mother - and now she's determined to get revenge on the murderous kings of the Storm Queen's Realm." Oh look! We have a realm. And 'Stormskeep'? Really? Is that anything like Helmsdeep? I'll pass.
Vampire on the Orient Express by Shane Carrow
I have to grant this one an amusing title. It made me laugh when I read it. Not that I have any intention of reading the novel since I pretty much detest vampire stories; they're nearly all the same, and this one isn't even a parody like my own Merde on the Orient Express is. Here's the plot in a nut's hell: "When American adventurer Sam Carter joins British diplomat Lucas Avery on the Orient Express, they anticipate a luxurious journey from Paris to Constantinople... but an ancient evil lurks among the passengers. Will any of them survive the trip?" My guess is yes. Note the Brit and American traveler so it has transatlantic appeal. God forbid it should be only the one because who the hell wants to read about a person from another country for goodness sakes?!
Deadly Gamble by Connie Shelton
"When Charlie's childhood friend is accused of murder, can she and her canine companion, Rusty, track down the real killer?" Who gives a shit? Really?
Marriage Games by CD Reiss
"Diana agrees to 30 days in a remote cabin with Adam to gain control of their joint company. But in this ultimate game of domination, will she submit to his every desire?" Or is another word for this plot simply 'rape'? No thanks. What kind of trash is this? Another one of Reiss's pieces of shit? She wants to dominate the company, but she lets herself be subjugated to him? That is so many kinds of bone-headed it's uncountable. What a pile of festering horseshit!
A Great Deliverance by Elizabeth George
"Inspector Lynley and his partner come to the secretive village of Keldale to discover if a sullen teenage girl was responsible for her father's savage murder." Have you noticed how the murder is never actually a murder? It's always a brutal murder or a savage murder, or a shocking murder. Nobody murders ordinarily in these books! I'll pass, because for me the only thing murdered here is a good, original story. You'd think that someone whose namesakes are two monarchs might set her standards a bit higher.
Teddy Spenser Isn't Looking for Love by Kim Fielding
How original: two guys hate each other and then fall in love. Never heard of that plot before. Except maybe a dozen score times. "When designer Teddy Spenser and his handsome nemesis, Romeo Blue, are forced to work together, their collaboration may reveal an attraction neither was expecting." Then those two were the only ones on planet Earth not expecting it! The 'antagonists fall in love' trope has been done to death. Does 'designer' mean fashion? So do we have the stereotypical trope gay fashion designer? And Romeo Blue? Seriously? There's nothing more self-indulgent, wasteful of Earth's resources, abusive, ridiculous, or downright plain stupid than the world of fashion.
The Color Alchemist by Nina Walker
If Kirkus liked it, chances are, I don't. Especially not with a tired plot that once again has a female writer subjugate her female character to a dominant male: "When Prince Lucas discovers her magical talents, Jessa must train under his tutelage as a Color Alchemist... but the prince has a secret agenda." Must she? I'd be interested in reading it if she rebelled, but no. Why write an original YA novel like that when you can follow the path most trampled that's already been done to death by two score of other authors?
The Girl I Was Before by Izzy Bayliss
How can this even be a series? It's the same tired trope: "When her marriage falls apart, Lily takes refuge in her newfound love of baking. As she decides to turn her passion into a business, can she reinvent her life?" The short answer is yes. Why does the author want to milk you of your money for a whole series based on this tired and unimaginative premise?
The Witches of Wormwood by Silver Nord
I would not buy a book written by someone with such a 'made-up' sounding name, and especially not one which claims to be an "absolutely enchanting collection of clever mysteries" and yet proves itself to be totally unoriginal and uninventive in the very name of the main character: Hazel Salem. Seriously? Can we ever get a book about witchcraft that doesn't fall back on the abusive and pathetic Salem witch trope in some way? Those were innocent women who were brutally murdered in Salem by Christians who were purportedly told to forgive and to turn the other cheek! Hypocrites. And female authors? Show a little fucking respect for those of your gender who were abused by vindictive and psychotic white men. The whole cloying atmosphere around this book makes it suck.
My Life for Yours by Vanessa Carnevale
"Paige is devastated when she suffers a miscarriage due to a rare and life-threatening heart condition. And when she becomes pregnant again, she and her husband face a painful choice." No! The painful choice was whether or not to get pregnant again, not to roll the dice on her life, and risk losing everything. They could have hired a surrogate. They could have adopted, but it seems to me that her husband is a dickhead who doesn't deserve a child if he values his own wife's life so cheaply. You can seee where this novel is going - right out the door. It's either going to be a sickly ending where the mom dies at childbirth, or it's going to be a sickly ending where the mom doesn't die, insulting a lot of women who wish to, but can't, give birth.
Parable of the Sower by Octavia E Butler
Octavia Butler is dead and has no direct heirs. She will not get a penny from this novel, and I doubt any of it will go to the causes she dreamed of supporting. So with 30,000 or more sold, why are they still trying to milk this for all it's worth? Who is getting this money? I read a biography of Butler and got interested in her work, but I did not like the graphic novel version of this novel and was not inspired by it to go on to read anything else by Butler. From what I've read of her, I think I would have liked her as a person and enjoyed her company had I ever been privileged to experience it, but I never had that chance. The story made no sense to me though, and once again, for me, the book description failed to deliver an intelligible idea of the plot! In "a future world teetering on the brink of apocalypse, Lauren holds the key to humanity's salvation." That's not really true, because in volume two of the series, Lauren is already dead having failed to achieve her goal, and that story is told by her daughter! Get the book from a library of find it at Goodwill, and give your money to a good cause in doing so.
How to Trap a Leprechaun by Sue Fliess, Emma Randall
I'm not usually down on children's books unless they're particularly egregious, but trapping a creature? It sounds cruel to me and potentially dangerous if the book advises on building a real trap. Hopefully the 'simple crafts' the blurb claims are employed really are simple and soft, but even if they are, the idea of imprisoning something for personal gain really isn't a good value to teach a child.
Queen of Klutz by Samantha Garman
Yet another tedious cookie-cutter story about yet another woman who loses both boyfriend (fiancé/husband/whatever) and job on the same day, and runs away to a new life. In this case waitressing at an Italian restaurant. The blurb stupidly asks, "Can she find her way back to love and happiness - without falling flat on her face?" Well yeah, otherwise what's the point of the novel?! So, no surprises here; and not even any twists because this will follow the precisely the same predictably boring route all the other scores of novels employing this selfsame plot have trodden into mud. Talk about the road most taken!
Death at a Country Mansion by Louise R Innes
Also look for "Death at a Country Inn" by Louise R Mansions! Just kidding. The problem with this story is lack of originality. Country mansion? Yawn. The blurb says this: "When her friend's opera diva mother is found dead, hairdresser Daisy dons her detective hat to solve the murder!" And why is a hairdresser trying to solve a murder? Is it because once again the cops are utterly useless and only an amateur with zero training can resolve the case? Barf. Get a clue!
Baumgartner Generations Janie by Selena Kitt
"Nanny Janie has a satisfying polyamorous relationship with her employers, Ronnie and TJ. But when she meets sexy Josh, does she have room in her bed for another lover?" Of course she does. She's out to get herself into the Guinness Book of World records for the woman with the most STDs acquired from the fewest partners. Barf.
Marry Me by Mia Monroe
"Briar is dreading seeing his cheating ex at a friend's upcoming wedding - so he asks his straight best friend, Jude, to pose as his fake fiancé. But what happens when their ruse starts to feel like the real thing?" Seriously? Briar? Another gay men novel written by a woman? And Briar is so stupid that he never once realized or even thought for a minute that "Jude" is also gay? This novel has nothing but dumb ingrained in its very fabric and the story has been done to death a billion tiems already. Get a life.
The Best Laid Plans by Cameron Lund
"High school senior Keely wants to lose her virginity before she goes to college - so she sets her sights on the new guy in town. But her childhood best friend, Andrew, complicates things." Of course he does and this is the most important thing on Keely's mind? I guess that's not much of a mind, especially when she has apprently never realize that this childhood best friend is a guy she can trust. Keely is evidently a moron. The most disturbing thing about this though, is that none other than the School Library Journal claims this trash is "An enjoyable, quick read." I find it seriously problematical that yet another dumb-ass novel about a young a girl giving away what's consistently, but ridiculously, presented as her most treasuired asset, is getting published and supported. Barf. Authors like this should be ashamed.
Murder Wears Mittens by Sally Goldenbaum
"When a town recluse's death reveals a hidden fortune, Cass and her intrepid knitting circle hurry to prevent a second murder." Not with that kind of woolly thinking they don't. Another nutty novel nagging that knitting numbskulls are niftier than the police.
Ghost Force by Patrick Robinson
"As tensions over oil ignite an international battle in the South Atlantic, a group of US Navy SEALs is sent to restore peace." Right because they're the perfect people for that job. Yawn.
Would Like to Meet by Rachel Winters
"An assistant at a screenwriting agency, Evie has been waiting years for a promotion. The chance might be here, but it comes with strings: convince their biggest client, arrogant and insufferable Ezra, to write a rom-com script." Of course he's arrogant and insufferable. That's why this moron will fall for him. Barf. Nothing new here. Insufferable accurately describes this kind of a novel.
While the Music Lasts by Maggie Robbins
"Florence leaves behind her best friend turned lover, Bailey, to pursue her dream of becoming a famous cellist. When fate brings them together again, can both women overcome the past and recapture the music they once shared?" Who gives a shit? Florence has no interest in music. She wants to become famous. Not 'accomplished'; not 'outstanding'; not 'gifted'; not 'original in her interpretation', but 'famous'. That's how shallow this dipshit is - and that's what she'll become famous for.
Fortune Favors the Cruel by Kel Carpenter
"Bent on revenge, Quinn must learn to harness her dark powers in order to survive; meanwhile, nobleman Lazarus has waited years for a woman of Quinn's abilities to appear. How could he predict that she would become both the answer to his prayers and his worst nightmare?" Lazarus might not be able to, but everyone who's seen this tedious plot a gazillion times before can. This book of Kel's is a non-starter. Yawn.
The Terminal List by Jack Carr
"In this explosive thriller, a Navy SEAL targets the American conspirators responsible for the deaths of his team and his family." Seriously? Going rogue on a revenge killing is how we want to represent our men and women in uniform? Barf. What's the hero's name? Jack Pierce? Jack Lock? Jack Cage? Jack Stone? Jack Steele? Yawn.
My Fallen Saint by J Kenner
"When Ellie Holmes's world collides with billionaire Devlin Saint, the passion between them is impossible to ignore" Trust me. It isn't. Yawn. And Devlin Saint? Really?
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