Dead is so Last Year by Marlene Perez

Rating: WARTY!

This is part of a series with the rather lame inevitability of the word 'dead' in every title. Apparently no one told Marlene Perez that Charlaine Harris has already been there and done that. I didn't realize that this was part of a series when I picked it up on close-out. I went by the blurb, which I freely admit is often a mistake, which made no mention that this was volume three. I don't hold the author responsible for this since you give up all control of what's on the cover when you go with Big Publishing™ The story is set in Nightshade, a town busting at the seams with paranormal characters and activity, yet the blurb mentions none of that. It merely says that the fraudulently described "smart sisters" are psychic.

Note that the fraud was not in describing them as sisters. The blurb and the title do, I grant, indicate some paranormal goings-on, but nowhere near to the extent that this book exhibited. Again, if I'd known beforehand that there were vampires, and that one of the sisters was dating a werewolf, I would certainly have left this particular novel to gather dust on the clearance shelf! I certainly have no intention of pursuing this series. The weird thing was that neither the werewolf boyfriend nor the vampire was the reason I disliked it! This amused me even more than the title had.

My initial problem was that the author seemed to think that the only virtue female characters can have is their beauty, which is a major turn-off for me in any novel. However, this one surprised me by eventually leaving that theme where it belongs - in the past - which was unexpected, I do confess! Unfortunately, and just when I thought I could stand to read no more, the main character (another first person PoV I'm sorry to have to report) decided to focus on the mystery rather than the looks of all the females in town. Unfortunately, other issues kicked in at that point too, so the story still fell short of being a worthy read for me.

Apart from an obsession with looks, one thing which turns me off is dumb female characters. Yes, there are dumb people in life, male and female (and even some in between), and once in a while you can get an entertaining story out of such a character, even more so if she wises up, but you can't get a good story out of a young woman who is, even within the framework of the story, persistently and irremediably too dumb too live, or one who fails to fulfill even the author's own criteria for the character.

Clearly not much thought went into this series. Nightshade is supposed to be a relatively small town (at least it is from reading the test), yet it has a large high school with a successful football team, it has a college, and it has assorted other large town things going on, things found only in larger towns, yet it's talked about as though it's a cozy little village. It made no sense.

This novel was told from Daisy's PoV. Daisy has two sisters who are named Poppy and Rose, which was a bit too trite for my taste, and Daisy was not only not the sharpest knife in the knife drawer, she didn't seem capable of hosting much that was in the way of intelligent thought, or of following even elementary logic. She was presented as this psychic investigator who was supposed to step into the gap left by her mother's absence. She failed dismally. She mentioned her psychic powers frequently, but barely used them even when it would have made clear sense for her to do so. We were told more than once that she was "rusty" in practicing using her powers. Who, in real life, if they found that they had such power, would get rusty in using it? No one! Of course, this doesn't happen in real life, but in the book it was part of real life. It made no sense that she would become rusty or would have little or no interest in using her powers.

The sisters' mom was in Italy, where she and her daughters had spent part of the summer. Dad is out of the picture having gone missing in an earlier volume evidently. The girls were purportedly back to attend school, although none of the story took place in the school to speak of. All three of them get jobs without a shred of effort although, after the initial 'just starting her tiring job as a waitress period' is over, Daisy is never doing her job either.

Apparently unencumbered by school or work, Daisy has all the time in the world to wander around trying to figure out what's going on and she still takes forever - long after the reader has it all sorted. Some people describe a character like that as a Mary Sue although technically that's incorrect. A Mary Sue is a character who goes through a novel without a thing going wrong, without running into any difficulties, and without making any mistakes, but gets everything done, and does it perfectly. A Mary Poppins would be actually a better name for such a character. This would leave the term 'Mary Sue' open for the use it seems to be adopting: that of a character like Daisy who can't figure out anything, despite clues that are obvious even to a reader like me who is typically the last to figure things out. Maybe we should call such a character an Ian! So Daisy spends the entire novel, virtually, being a complete Ian.

The problem in this story is that someone is making clones. There are two obvious suspects, yet never once does Daisy suspect either one. Neither of them is investigated even though one of Daisy's sisters works with one of them, and Daisy herself witnesses the other doing things which are quite obviously shady and underhand, and which involve secret spells and employing old clothes. These are the smart sisters, remember, yet the one with whom one of the sisters works is called Doctor Franken (I am not making this up) who works in a genetics lab, yet never once does anyone consider that she might be a suspect!

Worse than this, the plan is supposed to be these clones taking over of the town council. They could have done this with bribes or blackmail, or better yet, used direct magic to control these people, yet instead they come up with the idea of creating clones to replace the council members! The problem is that not one of the initial clones is a clone of a council member - they're just random citizens which are then allowed to wander around town aimlessly. Worse than this, the clones have a sugar craze and eat large quantities of sweet food such as donuts, and still no one suspects a thing.

Now this is a town in which supernatural activities go on all the time, yet no one, not even the "smart" sisters, thinks for a split second that well-known citizens are suddenly behaving oddly. These sisters are not smart. They're morons. They don't even react when the yard is invaded by a ravenous pack of werewolves - other than to run indoors. They never call the police even though the wolves could be harming someone else while these chickens cower indoors. They never make the connection between the ravening wolves and the football team jocks suddenly miraculously bulking up on muscle. They're worse than irresponsible; they're freaking idiots.

I don't need books about idiot girls in my library. If I wanted to see that I would watch so-called reality TV (in which I have absolutely no interest either). Had this novel been written for middle-graders, I might have perceived it differently, but it's aimed at young adults and it misses its mark disastrously. It is not a worthy read, not even remotely.

Goddess of Yesterday by Caroline B Cooney

Rating: WARTY!

Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of ward-winning novels, but this one, which won the Josette Frank Award in 2003, started out really well and I enjoyed it, but as soon as the main character took up residence in the palace of King Menelaus, the story fell completely flat and became a tiresome read. It is aimed at middle-grade children, so we shouldn't expect too much of it, but I think children have a right to expect enough from a novel, and I felt that this quite simply did not deliver. Even the title was a bit of a downer, which struck me as strange.

Some people have described this as an historical novel and it is, technically speaking, but it's also one of those novels written for children which puts the child at the pivot of events, and I typically find those to be the disingenuous and annoying braggarts of the literary world (whether written for children or for adults for that matter).

The story is supposed to be that of Anaxandra, who we join at the age of six, the daughter of a minor pirate lord of some non-entity of an Aegean island. She is a devotee of Medusa, and often prays to her for help and guidance, although Medusa was not actually a god. She was one of the Gorgons, a race of monsters. Why anyone would pray to such a creature is unexplained in this novel. This young girl is taken as tribute (so she believes) by king Nikander (note that my spellings may be off because I listened to an audio book, so I have no idea how the author spelled these names in the printed version), and grows up to middle-grade age with the royal family as a companion to his handicapped daughter Callisto, but his small island is raided by pirates who slaughter and destroy. Anaxandra manages to survive this and at one point amusingly frightens away some pirates by putting an octopus on her head and pretends that she is a displeased Medusa come to wreak havoc upon them. These pirates are pretty dumb, let's face it, and so they take off, and Anaxandra buries her dead king.

Just when she thinks hope is lost, King Menelaus of Sparta arrives with his fleet, and fearful of being taken into slavery, Anaxandra pretends she is Nikander's dead daughter Callisto. Menelaus adopts her into his own family, perhaps because they both share red hair (a color which is brought up with nauseating frequency). For me, here is where the story became uninteresting and fell completely flat. Contrary to popular consciousness, Helen (of Troy), wife of Menelaus, is portrayed not such much as a raging beauty as she is a royal bitch, and Paris is portrayed as a complete fop more worthy of being named Narkissos than Paris.

The problem with this part of this novel is that it's taken to the level of caricature, and so was as uninteresting to me. It lacked all and any attempt at nuance. As such, it wasn't entertaining at all. This is where the story became tedious to me, with page after page of commentary on what a bitch Helen was and what a poseur Paris was. It was tiresome, unimaginative, and uninventive, and it was at this point that i quit reading it. How it won an award, I do not know because Anaxandra had so many opportunities to become a really powerful character, and the author let all of them slip through her fingers.

Additionally, Anaxandra was one of the most emotionally dead characters I've ever encountered. There was no concern on her part for example, from the fact that she had been forced from her original home, or from seeing King Nikander, of whom she was very fond, die along with - evidently, her adopted sister Callisto, or form seeing her adopted mother, who was very kind to Callisto, being taken into slavery by the pirates. We never even got a description of her adopted mom's grief from losing both her husband and her daughter. At one point Anaxandra did consider going into the palace during the raid to get to Callisto, but her effort was half-hearted at best, and her complete loss of interest in Callisto's fate thereafter was shameful. Could the author not at least have had her find her sister and bury her too?

It was this complete lack of a clue about how real people children react and behave coupled with the sheer boredom later, which turned me off this book. How can any author,m even by accident, make the story of Helen and Paris boring?! I've never heard of the Josette Frank Award, but I have to say that standards must be low if this one won it. I can't recommend it.

The Five Horsemen of the Modern World by Daniel Callahan

Rating: WARTY!

Errata:
"humanity can solve the carbon and carbon problem" ??!
"but is now is now more" makes no sense.
"develop a successor to the Kyoto Prptocol is planned for Paris in December 2015" misspelling of protocol and poor grammar.
"such as improving automobile engine efficiency to reduce mileage per gallon" improve mileage per gallon, surely?!
"Too many cooks," the old saying has it, "spoils the broth." person mismatch.
"Of that amount $275 llion was spent on the top 1% of patients" million is missing a few letters.
"Michael Grubb has laid out the pathway that successful funding of technological research must follow to move from the beginning, research, to the end, successful implementation and dissemination." This made no sense to me.
"Most of that increase will come from the developing countries, which will account for 90% of the increase, with the Organisation for Economic Co -operation and Development countries (essentially developed countries) contributing only 17%." 107%?
" The IEA has projected a one-third increase in global energy demand between 2011- 2035, with a small decline in the share of fossil fuel from 83% to 76%. Renewables and nuclear energy will meet about 40% of basic demand during that same period." Again maybe I am misunderstanding this, but 76% *or 83%) plus 40% add up to more than 100, unless 'global energy demand' is somehow different from 'basic demand'. If it is, it should be made more clear.
Minor quibble: "between 2011- 2035" To me the hyphen equates to the word 'to' so this reads like 'between 2011 to 2035', whereas it should read 'between 2011 and 2035'. If I were going to use the hyphen, I'd write it as 'from 2011- 2035', but maybe others read it differently.

Note up front that this was an advance review copy and I appreciate the opportunity to read it. What I have identified as problems or potential problems with it may well have been taken care of by the time of publication! That said, this book, properly titled The Five Horsemen of the Modern World: Climate, Food, Water, Disease, and Obesity by Daniel Callahan was a disappointment to me. I usually try to give environmentally themed books a positive review if I can because I think they're tremendously important, but i cannot honestly do that here.

The author has done an impressive amount of work, but what's presented does not appear to be intended as a popular handbook on solutions to important problems facing us in the near future. It's much more of a survey of five major problems which the author sees - problems which will impinge upon us all - and what options have been put forward in attempts at or as suggestions for the mitigation of these problems. As such, it can make for very dense and dry reading. I can't recommend undertaking it unless you're a true devotee of environmental literature, because for me, even that wasn't quite enough.

It was interesting in many ways, but I would not recommend it for casual reading. In addition to this, there were multiple issues with it which drew it out of my favor (for what that's worth!). There were areas that read - to me - like pure gobbledygook. For example, I had no idea what this meant: "Most proposals for mitigation and adaptation change require forging or greatly enhancing government- private sector alliances, a receptive government with public support, industry incentives to take chances with uncertain long-term profit, and multidisciplinary and integrated systems, among others." I'm sure I could have parsed it out and derived the intended meaning if I spent some time on it, but I wasn't willing to spend my time doing the very work I felt the author should have done.

First I want to look at the things which were interesting - or disturbing, depending upon your perspective. They were actually both: interesting for now, and very disturbing for the not-too-distant future. There were many of these. They were not always presented in the most coherent manner, though, which rather robbed them of their power and deluged the reader in statistics rather than an engaging relation of clear facts and opinions. It's hard to get a good feel for a situation when the reader has so many numbers, percentages and assorted facts spit out in short order with little by way of explanation or context.

While the book did a pretty decent job of presenting many disturbing facts, the apparent lack of good solutions was also upsetting; however, some solutions were completely overlooked. For example, we're informed that "Some 80% of all infectious disease in poor countries can be traced to dirty water" and some pertinent issues are discussed, yet one promising solution, from Dean Kamen (the inventor of AutoSyringe, the Segway, and the iBOT Mobility System) went unmentioned. Similarly, and still on the topic of water, I felt that sea-water filtration as a solution to fresh water shortage, was given way too short shrift, being largely dismissed as expensive. Well energy is expensive, but the places where water is often in very short supply are the same ones where solar power can provide abundant low cost energy, and we did get told how cheap that had become. That doesn't solve all the issues with sea water use, but I would have liked to have seen this explored more, given how much water this planet does have available even if it is mixed thoroughly with salt.

I confess that it was with a certain amount of smugness that I read about bottled water, which I do not drink. I learned that "Bottled water is an exceedingly profitable item, vigorously advertised, stoutly defended by its manufacturers, and seeming adored by the public. In 2009 Americans spent $10.6 billion to consume 8.4 million gallons of it. It is a strikingly popular item in upscale restaurants, where it is served at 80% markups." I also read that "A 2006 study found that 17 million barrels of oil a year are required to produce the plastic bottles, while the cost of tap water production is around a thousandth as much" and "Americans drink around 29 gallons of bottled water a year per capita." That's a lot of expensive water being consumed by the very people who have least need of it. One thing which was not explored was the potential health risk in the possibility of leeching of chemicals from plastic water bottles into the water which these people are consuming in such massive quantities.

Aging was another area of interest. While those of us in spoiled-rotten western cultures have access to decent food (though we may not choose to avail ourselves of it), clean water, good healthcare, non of us can escape aging! "In 1975 there were six children for every older person, but by 2035 there will only two." This is another area of concern: how we will take care of our growing aging population when they are going to outnumber the very people who can physically and financially care for them. I would have liked this to have been explored in greater depth.

Climate change was disturbingly summed-up in this section which quoted James Hansen:

with current policies in place we are locked into a rise of between 2 ° C and 5.3 ° C, " adding in an interview that 4 ° C "would be enough to melt all the ice . . . we are now three years away from that point-of-no return.

For me, part of the problem with this book was the extensive quotation of the work of others. It felt more like reading a compilation than an original book and very little of what was quoted made much impact upon me, the above being one of the few exceptions.

In addition to those problems, there were assorted issues with grammar and with percentages not adding up. While those are on the author and publisher, another issue, the formatting of the book as read in the Kindle app on my phone which left a lot to be desired, is purely a fault of the app rather than with the book itself. Authors can take steps to mitigate the damage the Kindle conversion process subjects your work to, but this restricts creativity rather a lot. One thing which could have been fixed, I think, would have been to have had the references (with which the text was replete) clickable. It was annoying to read something, see a reference number, and not be able to click to it and click back. In a print book, it's easy to stick your finger between pages and look up a reference, returning to where you left off. It's not possible to do that in a kindle app unless the references are clickable and the book provides a return click to get you back to where you started. Perhaps this will be available in the final published copy, but without having a copy available to me that is close to what's intended to be published (which this book was hopefully!), I can't give an adequate review of those things.

Overall, and while I like, as I said, to review environmental books positively if I can, I wasn't able to do that with this one because it left too much undone and did not leave me feeling better educated afterwards than I had been before. Yes, it was an ARC, but in this electronic age, I felt it could have been in a lot better shape, including a final run-through with a spell-checker. I can't see this appealing to a wide readership, not without being better presented. With all these things in mind I cannot in good faith recommend this book, and I'm sorry for that.

Hawksong by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes

Rating: WARTY!

Two households, both alike in dipshits,
In fair bird droppings, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break two new misfits,
Where uncivil blood makes love demeaned.
From forth the fatal wash of mortal enemas
A pair of snake-cross'd birders take their life;
One Zane Cobriana, in heart and soul an ass
Talks Danica Shardae into becoming his wife.
The fearful passage of their asinine love,
And the continuance of their friends' rage,
Which, buttheads that they were, naught could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
Shall wish your very own life to end.

This was one of the sorriest novels I've ever not read. Nope, I listened to it, and the reader's voice was barely tolerable. It's a Romeo and Juliet redux, but instead of the couple dying, the story died.

The blurb, of course, made it sound like it might be interesting and there was a sequel, both of which I happily borrowed from the local library hoping for a treat. That hope died. I returned the second volume unheard. I got through fifty percent of the first volume before I could stand it no more. There was no performance, unless that word is a contraction of 'perfunctory dormancy', and if I had to listen to the reader Jennifer Ikeda say "Donnika" just one more time I would have lost it. Dahknicker Shardead and inZane Cobrie-cheese. he;s so inzane that he crawls out of his skin every year. Literally.

I've seen some reviewers, even negative ones, praise the world building, and I have to ask, what world-building? There was ZERO world building here! What 'story' we got made no sense. These two races, the Avians and the reptilians - no - they were not even reptilians, they were serpient! What is that? It's not the equivalent of a class like avian. It's a sub-order, serpentes, which I guess is what those people were, so maybe it's right after all, if their race is judged by the behavior of the leader, Zane, who happily skins people who piss him off, and evidently carpets the floor of his room with the skins. This is a civilized person? This is someone to fall in love with? He's a snake in the grass. A man who suggests that his intended bride wasn't been beaten too much? How much beating would be just enough, Zane? This is a man who cam make peace? No, it isn't. Snakes are not very much into making peace with birds. They'd rather eat them.

There was no real description of the world in which these people lived, or even how they came to be (= no world-building). They were supposed to be birds and snakes, yet they maintained human form most of the time. Why? No explanation. Apparently there were humans on this planet, but they played no role whatsoever in the events - not in the portion to which I listened, anyway - so why were these races mimicking humans? No explanation. Why were there humans at all? No explanation.

The races were supposed to have been at war for a thousand years or more, and no one had any idea why they were fighting, yet they continued. Not once during this millennium of mêlée was any technology developed. Why not? War produces huge and lethal advances in technology, yet neither of these two races achieved anything. Why not? How the birds had failed to beat the earth-bound snakes escapes me. The two races supposedly detested each other, yet completely out of the blue, two of them magically started to trust each other. Two alien races, neither of which could have had any attraction to the other, yet they agree to marry, believing, for no reason at all, that this would end the war. Seriously? Why would it? Why would they think it would?

Dah-knicker became Zane's "Naga" - yet another snake word which made me laugh because it sounded so much like "nagger". Donni-kuh was his nagger. We had the Cobriana family, the Cobra race, the serpient people, the serpents? There was no logic to any of these amateur naming conventions, including the main character's names. The bird was named Danica Shardae, the guy Zane Cobriana? Seriously? So that's why he couldn't get into the dance club - it was mambas only! He drove an old battered car. It was a real rattler! He's so tired of people that he dreams of living alone on a coral island, watching Monty Python. And wearing a boa....

These critters were not human, yet they mimicked humans and took very pretentious human names. Why? No doubt for the same reason that they inhabited very human palaces, where they had servants, and where despite being at war for a thousand years, they Avians still haven't thought that it might be a good idea to guard the servants' stairs which lead directly to the princess's bedroom. These people are morons. No wonder they can't win. Again, zero world-building.

Danica was supposed to be a hawk, yet she possessed not a single hawk-like trait. She was more like a Dodo. Danica laid an egg. The same goes for Zane and his purported cobra-esque personality. The snakes could hypnotize people with a glance? Honestly? Could we not get a modicum of originality here? This story was sad, sad, sad. Yeah, it gave me a belly-laugh, but I give it the bird.

The Underdogs by Sara Hammel

Rating: WARTY!

Not to be confused with The Underdogs by Mike Lupica or any of a gazillion other novels titled 'Underdog', this novel posed as a middle-grade detective novel in the blurb, but which in the writing, turned out to be a young adult, snotty, elitist novel which had nothing to do with detecting. At least that's how it was for the first twenty-five percent of it, after which I gave up in disgust. Keep that in mind as you read this review. There may have been things taking place later in the story which mitigate some of my criticism, but in my experience, when a novel begins this badly and continues in the same vein for the first 25% of the story, things ain't gonna change much. It was also replete with flashback, which is just annoying to me. The chapters were interleaved (and titled) 'Before' and 'After' through the entire novel, and it was annoying, because as soon as it looked like something might start to happen, the brakes were slammed on and we got an irrelevant trip into the past before the murder. It didn't work.

Even by Big Publishing™ standards, the blurb for this was way off. It began with the usual "When" and revealed that "a popular teen beauty’s body is discovered by the pool at an elite tennis club". What her beauty has to do with it is unexplained, and I should have realized, right there and then, that something was wrong here. Would the murder have been okay if the girl had been "ordinary"? Would they have let it go un-investigated if she had been ugly? It bothers me that in a purportedly middle-grade novel, we're already focused on beauty and popularity before the story even began, and it's entirely irrelevant to the story. A girl was murdered. Isn't that enough? Is it somehow more tragic if she's beautiful and popular? Not in my book it isn't, but in this blurb writer's imagination, it evidently is.

I understand that writers don't have anything to do with the cover or the blurb when they go with Big Publishing™, and this blog is about writing, not pretty covers or catchy blurbs, so just one more comment on that score: the worst thing about the blurb was the huge disconnect between "twelve-year-old Evie and her best friend, Chelsea" and the age of the people represented in the actual story. They did not read as middle grade characters! Perhaps this was intentional. Perhaps the club catered to adults and young adults, and Evie and Chelsea were the exception, but nowhere was it made clear just what age range we were talking about here, and all of the characters seemed to me to be way older than twelve, including Evie and Chelsea! They were just not realistic, even when we take into account their privileged lifestyle.

That was a writing problem. The blurb tells us that Evie and Chelsea jump on the case. My question is, did the blurb writer actually read the novel?! The very last thing Evie and Chelsea did was jump on the case! They literally did nothing but stalk people and eavesdrop for the entirety of the 25% I read! They were the most passive protagonists I've ever read about. They did literally nothing but ogle guys and discuss guys and drool over guys, and spy on people. It was like a reboot of Harriet the Spy, but for an older audience. It was boring in the extreme, and it made these two young girls look as vapid and shallow, and clueless and tedious as it's possible to make a character look. The two of them did no investigating, came up with no ideas, did no detective work, offered no theories or had any clue whatsoever. Worse than this, they got into no mischief, made no mistakes, got into no trouble, were never in any danger, and were as monotonous and one-note as it's possible to be. There was no appreciable attempt at humor.

As I said, I read only 25%, so it's entirely possible that this entire story turned around 180° on the very next page after I stopped reading, and the story took off and was brilliant, but somehow I seriously doubt it because there never was any indication that it was going to ever do that. While the writing wasn't technically bad (i.e. was not full of gaffs, spelling and grammar errors, and it was not awful to read from that perspective, neither was it inspired or inspiring. It was refreshing given that this was an advance review copy, so I was grateful for that! Unfortunately, the author uses 'thusly'! Now while that isn't technically a gaff, it is really annoying and looks pretentious as all get-out. There was also my personal pet peeve on hair color: "Hair that was so black it had glints of blue in it...." No. Just no.

My biggest beef with this story though, was that it consistently presented young women in an awful light. Take this, for example: "Nicholas was Annabel’s brother, almost like a twin but not. He was older by less than two years, protective and so fond of his baby sister." Baby sister? She's two years younger. Why demean her like that? She's not a baby. Unless Nicholas is two years old. This was only one of endless instances where girls were summarily dismissed as one-note and shallow, obsessed with boys and never - ever, ever - given to a single thought about anything else. Just as badly, boys were objectified in the extreme, which is just as bad as objectifying women. I'm sorry, but I cannot support or recommend a story like this one, which evidently had nothing to offer but lust and improbably raging hormones, and no detecting in sight.

Doctor Who 2 The Girl Who Waited, The Boy Who Lived by various writers and artists

Rating: WARTY!

I hate to end my 2015 reviews on a negative note, but this is the second of two novels I didn't like that I'm reviewing today! Fortunately I got them both from the library so I wasn't out anything but my time! Annoying as that is, it's not as bad as throwing good money after bad literature. I love my local library and all who sail in her!

I'm a big fan of the Doctor Who TV series, despite recently concluded series nine being rather less than satisfactory, but my experience with Doctor Who in written (as opposed to visual) form has been so unsatisfactory that I'm giving up reading Doctor Who stories! I will simply have to wait until series ten starts next year for my next fix!

This fat, hardback, large-format graphic novel weighed a ton, but while the artwork - by assorted artists - was okay, and in some cases good (except for the sad cover), the stories were derivative and uninventive with tired old characters being recycled in unengaging ways. For the most part, the stories, evidently compiled from individually-released comics, were not entertaining and I liked only one of them (out of a dozen or so). It was a double-feature, and the only saving grace it boasted was Kevin the dinosaur who turned out to be more interesting than Jim the Fish. The latter has had several mentions in the TV show, but has failed to put in an appearance so far, and he (or she!) is unlikely to put in an appearance now that River Song has evidently been retired from the series.

There were Sontarans and Silurians doing nothing interesting. There was a text-free Santa Claus story which made no sense at all to me. There was a sad Jack the Ripper story, and though there were lots of references to canonical events and catch-phrases from the TV show, the stories which contained them were lifeless and sadly executed. I can't recommend this one.

Paulina & Fran by Rachel B Glaser

Rating: WARTY!

I hate to end my 2015 reviews on a negative note, but this novel wasn't at all what I'd hoped for from the blurb. OTOH, what novel is? Very few of them, to be sure. Rest assured that it's as far from "an audaciously witty debut" as it's possible to get. So Rachel B Glaser and I be unhappy with her effort. It started out interestingly enough, but there was a current underlying it which was obnoxious, and it quickly began to trudge and stumble.

I'd hoped it would get sanded down and become a lot more smooth as the story grew, but the ever-dragging story never did grow wheels, and so the rough edges prevailed. I made it literally half way through - to the end of chapter eight before I gave up on it. It was boring, repetitive and uninventive, and there were no characters in it that I liked. The most obnoxious characters were the titular ones and in that same order, too.

The story is apparently set in modern times, but there are weird anachronisms, so maybe it was set in the past and I missed something which explained this, because there were two mentions, one of a Walkman, and one of a Discman, featured in it despite the novel being published in 2015. It was very confusing. The novel does cover a decade, and of course the Walkman name is still around, but the Discman name belongs to the eighties, so while it's possible these referred to modern devices, this didn't alleviate the confusion.

The reason it didn't is that if this was indeed a modern setting (even from the last ten to fifteen years), then all of these people were complete morons in having routine, unprotected sex with multiple partners, and yet not a single one of them ever considered, not even for a second, that there was anything wrong with it or dangerous about it.

The main character, Paulina, was one of the most uninteresting, self-absorbed, bitchy, and obnoxious characters I've ever read about. She had no redeeming feature whatsoever, and was totally uninteresting to me. She and her co-dependent, Fran, were art students, and the author managed to make even that tedious to read about. Fran was a complete wallflower. Neither of them deserved any sort of decent relationship or any happiness, so it was nice to see that they were getting none. Why anyone would be remotely interested in either of them even as an acquaintance, much less a friend or a lover, was a complete mystery.

Some reviewers made mention of this as reminiscent of a Woody Allen movie - and they did not intend that in a positive light. I agree. It's like post-Annie Hall Woody Allen, when his movies were not even remotely funny, and just became a rambling, self-absorbed mess about unsurprisingly clichéd tropes. I refuse to recommend pretentious and tired drivel like this, which some Big publishing™ editor evidently and mistakenly considered to be a work of art.

Infinity Ring a Mutiny in Time by James Dashner

Rating: WARTY!

The author of The Maze Runner fouls up again with this series aimed at middle graders. Not that I've actually read The Maze Runner series. I was interested after seeing the first movie, but then lost all interest after the disastrous second movie which was profoundly dumb and tedious. If it's anything like the novel I've lost all desire to read any of those books. I was curious to see if he might do better with something aimed at a younger audience. He didn't.

The cover designers showed their legendary ineptitude again by putting a compass on the front cover instead of the actual infinity ring. This is about time travel not geographic travel per se, so what's with the compass? I swear I get more laughs out of Big Publishing™ cover designers than I do from books which are actually intended to be humorous!

This is your standard middle-grade time travel novel where young kids save the world by visiting extremely famous points and/or people, and/or landmarks in history. I'm sure there's a novel (or maybe even a series) which gets it right, but this one isn't it. Set in an alternate reality (where the US capital is Philadelphia and Columbus didn't discover Cuba) - which we learn is really our reality gone awry, we soon discover that there are breaks in history, starting in Aristotle's time, which must be set right to put reality back on track. Who determined where these were, and how they figured out there were breaks in the first place is left unexplained.

That's just the problem with this novel: there's far too much unexplained. Why they cannot go back and fix the first (in Alexander and Aristotle's time) and have all the other breaks fall into place goes just as unexplained as why they start with Columbus instead of starting with the first, or even with the last and work backwards. My guess is that no matter how many they fix, and no matter where they start, every single volume in this series will be exactly the same - with Time Wardens seeking to thwart or to capture them no matter how much history they change, which makes zero sense, and it's why I didn't bother finishing this novel once I saw where it was stupidly determined to go. Worse than this, the two kids have a pad computer with them, yet instead of information, it delivers clues in cheap rhymes and in absurdly simple visual puzzles! Why? No reason at all! God forbid we should make our young readers actually think when we can serve everything up like it's fast food!

The idea is that there are good guys and bad guys (the Time Wardens) stationed throughout history. How that works goes unexplained, because they would either already have to know where the breaks were, in order to station guards there, or they would have to station people all over the entire planet throughout time, which is absurd. That was the major problem with this story: the sheer absurdity of it. I couldn't stand to finish it, especially since it was puffed up with so much fluff. The novel could have comfortably begun on page 80 or thereabouts, at the end of chapter twelve, about two fifths of the way into the story, and lost nothing in the telling!

Had anyone but an established author submitted this trash, any respectable publisher would have rejected it. This novel seemed to me to be nothing short of a cynical attempt to bilk the rubes (aka middle-graders) out of money by running a cheap series which retells the same story over and over with a few details changed here and there to make them superficially different. I mean why tell an intelligent and original story in one concise volume when you can stretch it to a dozen? I can't support that and I can't recommend this.

The Story of Doctor Dolittle by Hugh Lofting

Rating: WARTY!

While I've seen the Dolittle movies (both the Rex Harrison version, and the Eddie Murphy version) I've never read any of the books. You could argue that I still haven't since the one I review here is a Dalmatian Children's Classic (so-called), and as such is a condensed version (adapted by Kathryn R Knight) illustrated (by Nick Price) with many line drawings in which Dolittle is very much drawn in the mold of WC Fields!

As with many older books, there have been complaints of racism inherent in the book's pages, which I find rather disingenuous when applied retroactively. Yes, there are old books which are racist by today's standards, and the Dolittle books are among them. There are even old books (Mein Kampf comes to mind) which are racist by their own contemporary standards. I can't really speak to that since the version I read was an adaptation which has been washed clean of the original racism. I also find it interesting that Eddie Murphy agreed to act in this role given the book's history! Maybe they were aiming for some sort of redemption by making Dolittle black?

I have read various commentaries on this topic. It isn't a defense to say that this book isn't racist by its own contemporary standards. The original of this novel was racist by any standards. Is it a defense to say it isn't maliciously racist? By that i mean did it actively intend harm through the racism it contained? I don't think so, but that doesn't mean it wasn't harmful. In this version, the racism has been bleached (yes, that is a reference to the original!), but I think as long as I'm mentioning this, it's only fare to also mention that Lofting wrote other books in this series condemning of slavery, and that even in this book, he depicts an African king who is pissed-off with white men because of their depredations of his nation's natural resources. To me, this goes a little way towards mitigating against charges of overt or active, or outright malicious racism. That does not make the book lily white, so to speak.

My biggest complaint about this particular version of the novel isn't about racism or the fact that the doctor speaks to the animals or they to him - it's children's fantasy after all! - but that the author doesn't have a clue about animals. Hugh Lofting was a soldier (he originated the idea for these stories in the trenches in France in World War One), not a veterinarian or a biologist, but even so, it would not have taken much effort, even in 1920, to look up a little bit about Africa to discover that it isn't home to Orang-utans. Nor would it have taken much more effort to discover that gorillas, orang-utans, and chimpanzees are apes, and not monkeys, and eagles are not commonly found out on the open ocean! It was that kind of thing which annoyed me more than anything else, so for me, the story was sadly lacking in a decent foundation.

Given the premise - a doctor discovers he has more affinity with animals than with humans, and can understand them and therefore treat them expertly - it seems to me that a golden opportunity was wasted here to teach children something about animals, biology and evolution. The novel may well be be moderately entertaining for very young children who question little, but for my money (and note that the book is available free online) it really wasn't a worthy read at all (I skipped a lot of the second half), not when there are more modern and better written novels with these themes - animals and adventure. Besides, this novel is out of copyright now, and neither Hugh Lofting (who died in 1947) nor his estate are going to get anything for it if you buy it! Whether oyu think he ever deserved anything for it is up to you! Maybe it's time for someone to rewrite this in an intelligent, educational, and non-racist way?

Bob's Burgers by assorted writers and artists

Rating: WARTY!

This graphic novel combines issues one and two and is evidently based on a TV show which I have never seen. It looked interesting from the blurb, but failed dismally in the execution. The art work was cartoon-ish, which perhaps fits the TV show, but which wasn't very interesting to me. The main character, Tina, looked like she sported a mustache, which was interesting to me (how often do we get a female character with a mustache, even in cartoons?!) - interesting that is, until I discovered that there is no mustache - it's just the way her mouth is poorly drawn!

Tina herself proved to be a rather one-note and uninteresting. There were times when the humor was moderately amusing, and there were some interesting concepts which I felt deserved better treatment than they got, but for the most part the stories were boring and did not entertain me. There is, periodically, a story told in rhyme, but I took to skipping these after I'd read the first two because they were even more boring.

Note that this was an advance review copy so some of my comments here may be irrelevant depending upon what's done with the actual published version. That said, I do not recommend reading this on an iPad because the art work was a bit scrappy-looking. This is, perhaps, because of reduced image quality for the e-version, but this doesn't say much or the e-version, does it?! Worse than this, though, was the fact that the text was too small to read comfortably in some panels because it was so tiny. I don't think comic book creators should issue ebook versions of their comics unless the comic has been specifically designed as an ebook and the comic is written specifically for the ebook format. It simply doesn't work otherwise and exhibits a certain disrespect for e-formats.

In terms of the print version I was a bit shocked at the profligacy with which paper was wasted. Perhaps fans of the show might not consider it a waste, but even were I a fan I would still consider it wasteful when a comic book arrives with twenty or thirty pages of variant covers and so-called "pin-up" images. I have to wonder why the creators hate trees so much! Maybe this is intended to be printed on recycled paper? I would hope so.

As it is I cannot in good faith recommend this one for the reasons I've discussed: hum-drum stories, mediocre art work, and shameful waste of trees.

Velvet Before the Secret Lives of Dead Men vol 2 by Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting, Elizabeth Breitweiser

Rating: WORTHY!

This is the second collected volume of one of the best graphic novels I've read in a long time. Unfortunately it's the start of a series, so I have to pick up more volumes. Had it been a novel, it would have been self-contained in one volume. I'm not a fan of series, but this one was good enough that I am interested in reading more, despite it being a royal pain! Unfortunately, there are no more compendium volumes beyond the second one at this point, as far as I can tell, which is annoying, especially since this series began in 2013. If the author would finish one series before moving on to another, maybe he'd get the one finished in a reasonable amount of time?!

Note that I've read only the compendium issues. Volume two covers original issues six through ten. Since volume fourteen isn't due until January 2016, I'm guessing it's going to be a while before the third compendium is released. Meanwhile I'm going to be looking for individual issues!

The story is set in the past, and has flashbacks into the more distant past, which was slightly annoying, but not too bad (I'm not a fan of flashbacks). This is very much a spy thriller in the mode of James Bond. It's set in Britain, but whereas James Bond has ties, tenuous as they are, to real British intelligence services, this is a secret service with a code-name. Other than that it's very much James Bond.

There are two big differences, both of which I approve. The first of these is that the agent taking the spotlight here isn't a male, but a female, and secondly, this female isn't a 'pretty young thing', but a mature woman. It's like Moneypenny left Bond behind and went on the mission herself, except that this isn't a recent Moneypenny. This is the Lois Maxwell Moneypenny and the novel works the better for it because it focuses on her tenacity, dedication, intelligence, and skill, and not on sexuality. I really liked of all of this.

This story continues full throttle from the first one, with Velvet, retired secret agent, who was very much a Moneypenny before she was forced to take up the role of field agent after she discovered she had been set up by someone high up in her own agency. The story jets across Europe and out to the Bahamas and back (another nod to James Bond), with Velvet Templeton having to remember skills and contacts from her field days many years before, and having to tread lightly and seek to forge contacts and even alliances with people from the past - some of whom were not on the same side of the intelligence services as she was. It ends in a cliffhanger since there are more volumes to come after this open, of course. I liked this very much and recommend the series (at least this far!)

Velvet Before the Living End vol 1 by Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting, Elizabeth Breitweiser

Rating: WORTHY!

This is one of the best graphic novels I've read in a long time. Unfortunately it's the start of a series, so I have to pick up more volumes. Had it been a novel, it would have been self-contained in one volume. I'm not a fan of series, but this one was good enough that I am interested in reading more, despite it being a royal pain! Unfortunately, there are no more volumes beyond two at this point, as far as I can tell, which is annoying, especially since this series began in 2013. If the author would finish one series before moving on to another, maybe he'd get the one finished in a reasonable amount of time?! Note that I read the compendium issues. This is volume one, which covers original issues one through five.

The story is set in the past, and has flashbacks into the more distant past, which was slightly annoying, but not too bad (I'm not a fan of flashbacks). This is very much a spy thriller in the mode of James Bond. It's set in Britain, but unlike with James Bond which has ties, tenuous as they are, to real British intelligence services, this is a secret service with a code-name. Other than that it's very much James Bond, including, at one point, the iconic Aston Martin of the Goldfinger movie fame.

There are two big differences, both of which I approve. The first of these is that the agent taking the spotlight here isn't a male, but a female, and secondly, this female isn't a 'pretty young thing', but a mature woman. It's like Moneypenny left Bond behind and went on the mission herself, except that this isn't a recent Moneypenny. This is the Lois Maxwell Moneypenny and the novel works the better for it because it focuses on her tenacity, dedication, intelligence, and skill, and not on sexuality. I really liked of all of this.

Obviously, since it's espionage of this nature, there is a secret and a betrayal. I have no idea what it is, since the story is unfinished at this point! I can say that I loved the dialog, the artwork, and the story overall. It was fun, made all the right moves, was believable and enjoyable, and I definitely recommend it.

Crossing Midnight Cut Here by Mike Carey, Jim Fern, José Villarrubia

Rating: WARTY!

This graphic novel made little sense. It looked interesting in the library from a quick flick through, but when I got it home and sat down to read it, it didn't hold up well, and was not very entertaining, although the artwork by Jim Fern and coloring by José Villarrubia were not bad. It's the tired trope of split twins, with nothing really new or original added.

It's supposedly set in Japan, but the characters nearly all look curiously western. It begins when someone makes a wish to the house spirits for a healthy child without knowing that the mom was bearing twins. The spirit who took the wish returns later after the children have grown some, to claim the daughter for his own. This spirit has power over knives, which makes for some excessive gore here and there. This is one story in which the pet dog doesn't make a miraculous escape.

From that point on, the story is a mess. There are claims not only on the daughter, but also on the son, from another quarter. There is a bizarre incident at the Nagasaki shrine which is also a portal to the other world. I managed to finish this volume and since I had taken two other volumes from the library (The Sword in the Soul and A Map of Midnight), I began on the next one, but I found I could not continue reading it very far. The story seemed to dwell on gore and obscurity and appeared to be going nowhere, so I gave up. I can't recommend this based on what I read.

Rats by Paul Zindel

Rating: WARTY!

The blurb made this novel sound like it was a young adult story but it really isn't. There's a level of gore in it which is obnoxious. I got the impression that the author was disturbingly in love with describing the demise of people rodently chewed, mouse-masticated, in a word: eaten by rats. And he wasn't anywhere near as entertaining as Eric Idle. After only one disk in this audio book on CD, I couldn't stand to listen to any more, and I refuse to recommend something this obsessive. The author knows quite literally nothing about rats and worse, he ascribes to them superhuman powers. His descriptions are not even consistent.

The plot begins around a landfill which is being paved-over to make way for development. Something - which may well be explained later in the novel, but which wasn't at the point I quit, makes the rats grow, swarm, and essentially turn into zombies. They immediately start attacking the residents of the nearby residential neighborhood. This story read like bad fanfic and it was laughable - and not in a good way.

Spy the Lie by Philip Houston, Michael Floyd, Susan Carnicero

Rating: WORTHY!

This is a book written by a twenty-five year veteran of the CIA, and ex-employee of both the CIA and the NSA, and a CIA security officer. I picked it up because it looked interesting and recently I've been watching the TV show Lie to Me which I completely adore. That show, which gets a mention here, actually employs some of the techniques discussed in this book, although it understandably over-dramatizes them (sometimes to a melodramatic level) for the sake of making entertaining TV.

This book is a little slow, and doesn't offer much (the audio version to which I listened was only four CDs), but what it does offer, when it offers it, is interesting and useful knowledge. It mentions real cases in which the authors have been involved, and some in which they were not, including, for example, the Simpson (OJ, not Homer) trial.

This book never was intended as an audio book, so it makes no sense to it referring to figures and diagrams, which are clearly print version only. Those issues aside, I enjoyed listening and learned some interesting stuff - stuff that maybe I can use in some future novel? Who knows?! It's read by Fred Berman whose voice was slightly irritating but not obnoxious. I recommend this if you're into the background to spying and lying.

Interview With the Vampire Claudia's Story by Ashley Marie Witter

Rating: WORTHY!

I'm not a fan of Anne Rice, nor of vampire stories in general (although I've made one or two exceptions), and I never read Interview With the Vampire, but this story looked appealing. I did see the movie, which was okay, but nothing special for me, so I had a vague idea of what was going to happen. This novel is essentially the same story as Interview..., but it's told in graphic novel format and from the PoV of Claudia, the young girl who is adopted by the two male vampires and who is played by Kirsten Dunst in the movie (the two male vamps are played by Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt). Now there's a dysfunctional family!

This version really digs into the psychology of Claudia, exploring her feelings and fears, and her understandable frustration and disgust with her mind maturing whilst her body remains that of a child. What a horrible fate. What a awful prison in which to be trapped! Doomed from the start because there is no way to win in this scenario, Claudia slowly grows to hate Lestat while perhaps hoping for a life with Louis which, while practical and appropriate from a purely chronological perspective and perhaps even a moral one, can never practically happen. Perhaps if they had lived three hundred years earlier when it was considered normal for children of Claudia's age to be married off? Perhaps if Louis had some spine? There's no happy answer to be had here.

You can feel the claustrophobia creep in from all the ragged edges of their lives. Claudia is strong and forceful - a sharply delineated counterpoint to the weak and vacillating Louis. She's the one who makes things happen and finally rids them of Lestat - or does she? This story does not end well for Claudia and we knew this all along, even if we wanted to hope for a better outcome for a juvenile vampire.

Ashley Marie Witter's story and art work are enjoyable. The art is simple and sepia toned, except for the blood, which makes it quite effective, even shocking at times. The vampire gore is restrained and sparse. I have issues with vampire stories which generally fail their own logic even within their own framework, which makes the stories truly dumb and unappealing to me. I have issues too, with two-hundred-year-old vampires finding anything of interest in a sixteen year old school girl, which is one reason I detest vampire stories in general. This one rather turned the tables on that, though. Instead of having a dirty old man lusting after a virginal juvenile (Edward, I'm looking at you, and don't you dare sparkle at me like that), this one went the opposite way and had a younger, but maturing vampire falling for an older one. I don't know how old Louis was, but the age difference between him and Claudia probably wasn't two hundred years!

There's another issue with vampires, too, which wasn't well handled here. They are eternally youthful, meaning that their cells regenerate. This is part of the canon, so it's fine insofar as it goes, but then in this story, Lestat gets injured and the injury failed to heal. I didn't get the 'logic' behind that. Those issues aside, though, I really enjoyed this retelling and I recommend it.

The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York by Geoff Rodkey

Rating: WORTHY!

I favorably reviewed this author's The Tapper Twins Go to War in December 2015, and I got this other volume from the library and read it through very quickly. it was in a way, more of the same, which is why I liked it, but the story was different, and equally as inventive as the first one, and it was highly amusing.

It's told in the same way as the previous volume, wherein Claudia, the female half (or maybe two-thirds) of the Tapper twins, gives an oral history of an event. This isn't, of course an oral history - it's a written history, or at best, a transcription of an oral history. You'd have to listen to the audio book to get the actual oral history! That aside though, the story was well told, being both funny and inventive. The premise is that Claudia organizes a scavenger hunt in order to raise money for the Manhattan food bank. The hunt consists of groups of four children from the school - each group with an adult escort, I'm happy to report, taking pictures of landmarks and other not-so-readily-visible items. In order to prevent cheating, each photo must include the school mascot, a small plush toy of which each group has in its possession.

The first prize is front row tickets to an event at Madison Square Garden, which features both sports and music events, so it appeals quite widely The fembots (spoiled rich kids) are cheating (or are they?), and so is Claudia's brother's group. Things get out of control. Children go astray. Liverpool fans are angered...wait, what? But it all works out in the end and the winner is completely unexpected. A fun romp which entertained me and which I'm convinced will entertain its target audience. I recommend it.

The Daughter Claus by D Thrush

Rating: WORTHY!

The author doesn't know a while heck of a lot about the North Pole, but she can tell a story and I recommend this one. This was an unusual, if slightly flawed novel, but charming and amusing nonetheless, and I consider it a very worthy read. Flaws? What do I mean by that? Well one example is the fact that this novel was published in 2013, yet this ambitious Gothic rock band featured in the story was obsessing over making and releasing their first CD. Who does that anymore? They would have been posting their singles on iTunes and Google Play, and elsewhere if their behavior had been consistent, but that's a quibble. I have one or two others I'll mention, but none of them interfered with my love of the story.

The tale told here is that Santa is getting old, and is looking at retiring to Florida where he and his wife Clara have a condo. The fly in the snow is Santa's son Nick. Santa expects him, as the firstborn son, to take over the family "business", but Nick has other ideas. He wants to pursue a career in Goth rock, with his band, "Black Ice" (and release a CD!). Poor daughter Santina isn’t even considered as a replacement - despite the fact that she's the one in college pursuing a business degree - because she's a girl.

This "business" thing was a bit weird, since there was no money being made in this operation, yet they were talking about elf wages, and union contracts, and the costs of modernization. Santa made enough to buy a condo. In Florida. It made no sense and nothing was offered to explain cash flow in Santa's Business! Again, a minor quibble, but definitely confusing.

On the day Santa is supposed to head back north, he has a heart attack, and while the injury is minimal, he requires surgery and is laid up for some time. The only person who can step in is Tina, who isn’t due back at college until the fall. Nick is on tour with his grudge band (that's a garage band which has a bad attitude, LOL!). Tina has her own ideas about how the business should be run, and she starts in making changes and improvements, and getting everyone to work together in harmony. Even the sleigh-pullers are reined in, dear! Her jerk of a father and jerkess of a mother are not supportive. Frankly, those two parents are intolerable and intolerant and need a serious lump of coal stuck somewhere the sun doesn't shine - which would be the North Pole in wintertime, of course....

How will this all pan out? Well, you'll have to read the novel to find out! I did and loved it! There were some issues, as I've indicated. The story gets a bit bogged down with day-to-day humdrum and with Tina having the hots for a guy in Nick's band, who is improbably named George. Her best friend Lisa has the hots for Nick until she discovers how self-centered, and career-focused he is. He can’t even remember her name. I'm not sure why all that was tossed in because the story was working fine without it. Not every main female character in a novel has to have a love interest, male or female. The majority of them tend to work better without. In this case the involvement is kept to a minimum, so it’s not awful, but it isn't necessary, either. If you were going to do something like that, why not really stir things up and have Santina and Lisa fall for each other?!

One interesting thing about this is that the Kindle version I read on my phone has page numbers! See? it can be done, Amazon! There are two hundred pages, but it’s a very fast and easy read. I do think the author didn't quite fully appreciate that this was taking place at the North Pole (when it wasn't set in Florida), however! This was not in Antarctica, nor was it on some land mass in the Arctic circle. It was actually at the North Pole, where the elevation above sea level is maybe ten feet! There are no mountains at the North Pole, so the assertion that Tina "...noticed the distant mountains draped with a smooth white blanket" is nonsensical! There are no mountains there - not even in the distance!

Also, it’s the North Pole! All directions from here go south, and there are no time zones, and therefore no meaningful time differences! So how do we explain this: "Tina called Lisa at lunchtime the next day. She had to take into account the time difference." What time difference? The time zones don’t go by latitude! And did I mention that they're at the North Pole! Are we to understand that Florida is on a different time zone to the North Pole? What does that even mean? Or is the author simply confused because the North Pole has only one sunset and one sunrise per year?! Yes, you can argue that they're on North Pole time which is aligned with some time zone other than the one in which Florida resides, but why would it be that way? Why wouldn't it be aligned to whichever time zone Santa is in?

If it’s aligned to a time zone other than Florida, then why not fully embrace Holland or England where this Christmas legend began? Why would Santa go to Florida? Why not vacation in Holland, or if he wanted somewhere warmer, an overseas territory like Aruba? The legend of Sinterklaas originated in the Netherlands, not in the US, although a lot of his modern trappings became accreted there. 'Father Christmas' originated in England, so why not vacation in England or one of the warm English overseas territories? Why Florida? This bland assumption that only the US is of any account at all is as arrogant as it is annoying, and no rationale is offered.

This bigoted US-centric approach is clearly delineated when we're told that "Most of the elves lived in the area and had gone home for Thanksgiving." Why would they? Are all the Elves American and Canadian? Not every nation celebrates thanksgiving! Things like this were real irritations. The US isn't the world, and behaving like it is doesn't win it any friends. Also, Geothermal energy not an option at the North Pole unless you're prepared to set your plant under 13000 feet of water! Again, North Pole is pure ice. There is no land there! Santina would know this so why would she even consider geothermal energy as a cost-saving measure?

Those minor annoyances aside (complaints which most people probably wouldn’t give a second thought to if they ever gave a first!), I really enjoyed this novel. The characters were interesting and endearing, particularly Tina and her friend Lisa. Tina's family were deliciously obnoxious. When it came to stepping up, for example, where was mom? Clara Claus was just as bad as her husband! She offered not a lick of help. It was all, "Let's dump on the kids, and make them carry our dreams for us!" Santa was a blinkered grouch and Nick was a selfish juvenile. How Tina ever put up with them is a mystery. But they were family, so they were stuck with each other!

This just goes to show that I can fully enjoy a novel despite having some grumpy issues with it, if the author tells me a good enough story. This one was original and refused to follow stereotypes even as it remained within the broad framework of traditional Christmas fare, and I think it was great. The reindeer were inspired. They were a riot, and the pub scene was in some ways reminiscent of the Chalmun's Cantina scene from Star Wars episode 4. The reindeer were a delight, and it was overall, and despite some annoyances, a really good Christmas story.

Kringle by Tony Abbott

Rating: WORTHY!

The blurb tells us this novel is set around 500AD, but Rome had abandoned Britain almost a century before that! If the novel had been set in, sat, 420AD, it would be more accurate. Anyway, set during the time the Romans were withdrawing, and the nation was falling into the dark ages, long before King Alfred started having fantasies of uniting the kingdoms, this fantasy story tells of increasing depredations not by Anglo-Saxons, Picts, and Irish, but by goblin hoards, who come up from underground during the night and pillage villages, and kidnap children. Why do they need the children? Well you'll have to wait until almost the end of the story to discover that!

This novel delivers a slightly different take on the traditional Christmas story, especially since it stops short of the Christmas story! It's more an origins and quest tale than a Santa Claus story as such. Kringle is just a boy, but one who matures rapidly after losing Merwen, his step mother, and who has to strike out on his own to avoid falling into the hands of the goblins. Instead, he falls into the hands of the friendly elves, and later makes friends with "pirates" who sound more like Viking raiders. In his quest to find Merwen, he discovers secrets about the rune stones, about the longest night, about the goblins, and about the elves, but he discovers most about himself, his strength, his power, and the strangely communicative flying reindeer.

Told well, and with the story continually moving along, both in narrative and in location, this novel borrows elements from Lord of the Rings (but which fantasy doesn't?!), yet makes a fresh and original read. I enjoyed it. The worst part, for me, was the author's misguided attempt to try to incorporate elements of the Christian winter solstice mythology into the tale, and it didn't work. It doesn't belong, it contributed nothing, and worse, it stalled the story. He should have stayed with the goblins and elves, which was fantasy enough.

That was a small element though, and overall, the story was excellent, well told, captivating, and nicely ended. I liked it and I recommend it.

Dead Man's Party by Jeff Marsick

Rating: WORTHY!

With remarkable art work from Barnett Scott, and a great story from Jeff Marsick, this graphic novel, volume one of a series, tells an engaging tale which I enjoyed from start to finish (the finish of volume one, that is!). Yes, there is some gore and violence in it, but not over much, especially given the subject matter. I felt like I'd read this story before, but I can't actually recall one with this plot, so maybe it just reminded me of stories I've read or movies I've seen.

There are elements of the first of the Bourne movies here, but this is neither a Jason Bourne clone, nor is it a rip-off. It also has elements of the Dennis Quaid movie D.O.A.. The world's most successful assassin, known as Ghost, returns after his last successful hit, and gets his usual medical check up. He discovers he has cancer and maybe only two months to live. A second opinion confirms the diagnosis. Rather than be taken down by his own traitorous cells, he decides to throw a dead Man's Party, whereby five fellow assassins are to compete to take him down, the successful executioner to inherit all his worldly goods, and more importantly, his mantle.

The problem is, as Ghost discovers, that he's been had for a sucker. There's nothing wrong with him. Someone just wants him taken out. He can't renege on the contract now it's out there, so now he has to take down those five assassins before they take him down. How is he going to do that, when they seem to be able to find him no matter what he does? Is there anyone he can trust?

Tightly told, beautifully drawn, and excitingly laid out, I really enjoyed this novel and I recommend it.

Sons of the Devil Vol 2 by Brian Brucellato

Rating: WARTY!

This story borrows heavily from the TV show Hannibal, exhibiting all of the gore, and none of the finesse. The bad psycho guy (as opposed to the “good” psycho guy) sees himself with horns when he looks into the mirror. I read volume one and didn’t like it, but I’d already committed to the first two volumes. I was sorry to see that volume two was no better. Volume one had ended with what looked like it might be an interesting turn, but that went nowhere in this volume, which was simply more of the same mindless violence, confused and plodding story, pointless flashbacks, and indifferent artwork. I quit reading it at 60% in when the psycho guy came home to find his live-in girlfriend packing an overnight bag for a trip, and he got into a fight with her brother. This guy has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Why would I want to read a story that glories in violence and has not a thing else to offer? Short answer: I wouldn’t. I cannot recommend this series at all.

Sons of the Devil Vol 1 by Brian Brucellato

Rating: WARTY!

This was a graphic novel about a psychopath who was a baby when his parents were killed, and now he has issues galore, the worst of which is that he leads with his fists for no good reason. The guy is a complete jerk and totally uninteresting, not even from the tired trope of having heterochromia iridum. The story isn’t helped by numerous flashbacks. Half of the time I had no idea what was going on. The real problem though, was that the other half of the time, I really didn’t care.

The basic plot line is that the main character is a baby in a crib when both his parents have their skulls smashed by some psycho wielding a small mallet. The baby is spared because he is the chosen one. Then we jump to the present where he’s a grown-up who loves his dog, but hates people to the point where he’d rather put his fist in their face than shake their hand. Mallet-Man comes back into the guy’s life and kills again.

The guy is supposed to be in therapy, but it isn’t helping. There are several (apparently - it was too hard to keep track of them all) others like this guy – with the mismatched eyes, but what roles they played, other than two of them helping him cheat justice, was a mystery to me. I didn’t like the story, but I was committed to reading two volumes of this unfortunately. The art work wasn’t bad but it was too scratchy and angular for my taste. I cannot recommend the series based on this volume.

Bubba the Bulldog Tries to Smile by Bree Clausen

Rating: WORTHY!

I'm not a fan of bulldogs. They're quite literally deformed little dogs, but this story really has little to do with them. Real ones, anyway! Bubba the Bulldog is in a sorry state: he doesn’t seem to know how to smile! His best friend Ryan the Human smiles miles of smiles all the while. Apparently Bubba suffers from heavy lip syndrome! He just can’t lift ‘em! One day Ryan came home with his leg in a cast. Skateboarding was going to be out for a while. So was smiling, it seemed. No matter what Bubba did, Ryan could not seem to lift his lips any more than Bubba could his own.

Ryan would never tape up his dog’s lips to make him smile, but when Bubba got wrapped up in tape all by himself, his mouth did seem to be sporting a smirk, but it would take something truly odd which Bubba found inexplicably under Ryan’s bed to bring a really toothy grin to his face. I wonder what it was he found?

I liked this story because it was fun, and absurd, and the colorful drawings were highly amusing. For all I know, this might even be based on a true story! I recommend it.

Still There? A Little Zen for Little Ones by Sanjay Nambiar

Rating: WARTY!

In a retelling of an old zen Buddhist story, we read here of two boys with improbably, amusingly, large heads, who encounter a girl in the school yard. She's lost an earring and isn't dealing. She seemed to think that stomping and yelling was the best way to find her earring, and in actual fact, she was right! One of the boys thought the best thing to do was get down and dirty and search for it. The other boy didn't, but once the earring was found and the girl stomped off without even thanking her helper, the boy who didn't help was annoyed! The girl was rewarded with her earring. The two boys were rewarded with nothing, but wasted time and dirtied clothes and hands.

It seems like the lesson we're supposed to learn here is that it doesn't do to cry over spilled milk (it's actually much better to clean it up before it stains and stinks!). There are several lessons to be learned here though, and we're offered only one, which is that when you perform an act of kindness for someone, do not expect a reward. I agree with this. You set yourself up if you expect something in return, and the quality of your life is lessened by the act of wanting. The girl didn't specifically ask him for help of this particular boy. The boy volunteered. As a lawyer (Buddhist or otherwise!) might say, there was no contract entered into here. The boys should not expect anything in return, not even thanks, and therefore shouldn't by adversely affected when none come. Nor should the unhelpful boy be upset by the helping boy's attitude.

I think that the author missed a great opportunity though, to look at other lessons here. He focused on only one perspective, which doesn't seem very zen to me. There's a better story here. For all I know this is the one which inspired this children's version.

It would have been a better story had we looked at each perspective in turn, and then looked at how things could have been better all around. Of course, in real life, you rarely get an opportunity like that, but in real life, there is a concept of justice and equity. It doesn't do to let those who are selfish, ungrateful, fraudulent, arrogant, or endlessly demanding. It is better to teach them the error of their ways - or to at least try. Only one lesson was learned here where several could have been. None of the other lessons were considered, which lessen the lesson! In a way, this is a very selfish lesson to teach a child. This was a very short story so there was room for lots more.

In some ways, this book is the polar opposite of one I reviewed favorably back in 2014. In that book, not focusing on the now was the point which was extolled. In this book, it seems to be just the opposite! Now that's zen! But I can't recommend this story as it stands. There's no still there, there!

I Love my Dog by David Chuka

Rating: WARTY!

From the auhtor of such literary efforts as Billy and the Monster who Loved to Fart and Billy and Monster: The Superhero with Fart Powers comes yet another disaster: a book about dogs (and yes, there are fart jokes in this book). Two kids, boy and girl, are excited to go find their first pet dog, but never once is the animal pound considered. All the dogs featured here are so-called "pure bred". The first dog is an Alaskan Malamute, and though the story is initially narrated by the sister, when we meet the dog, it describes its own role, but it says, "Do you know man still uses me as a sled dog...." I think a gender -neutral word would have been better, as in "Do you know that people still use me as a sled dog...." There's no reason at all to imply that only men can do this. Not in a year when we're newly celebrating the fact that the US finally wised-up and let women have their run of the army!

We also meet a Schnauzer (and yes, the name does come from snout, but it refers to the dog looking like it has a moustache!), an old English Sheepdog, a Poodle (the second most intelligent breed of dog, believe it or not), Dalmatian, Collie, Greyhound, Dachshund, Cocker Spaniel, Great Dane, Saint Bernard, Golden Retriever, and several others.

We learn only a very small amount about each dog, and while we do learn a bit about the down side of dog ownership, we don't learn anything, really, about what is potentially the most important thing about these 'pure bred' dogs, which is that inbreeding leads to awful deficits in too many of these animals. These problems range from, for example, deafness and hyperuricemia in the Dalmatian, to heart disease in the Boxer, to hip dysplasia in the German shepherd, to breathing problems in bulldogs, and other issues, such as mitral valve disease in the King Charles Spaniel (although this dog is not featured in this book).

I would have preferred a book that mentioned the options available and talked more about how much care, attention, and outright love a pet needs, as well as what it costs in buying the dog in the first place, and then in ongoing outlay for food, toys, bedding, and vet bills for routine visits alone. I can't recommend this book because it lacks far too much important information and kids deserve so much better.

Spiral Bound by Aaron Rainier

Rating: WARTY!

Spiral Bound is one of the most tedious graphic novels I've ever tried to read. I made it about half way through and was bored out of my mind. The characters are all animals who behave exactly like humans, in every imaginable way. There is no difference. Why the animals then? Who knows?

The story went nowhere. It wasn't even a story worth that name. It was simply a drear diary description of an average day full of ordinary events in the lives of these thoroughly uninteresting humanimals. Nothing happened that was worth repeating. It was neither engrossing nor funny. The drawings were all heavy-handed black and white line drawings and they were so busy that it hurt my eyes to look at them, let alone read the text. I cannot recommend this at all.

The Last Fall by Tom Waltz

Rating: WARTY!

I wasn't impressed by this rather gory graphic novel which really brought nothing new to the table. It was a mishmash of other sci-fi stories including a dash of Avatar wherein the brash rebel soldier falls in love with one of the enemy. Here it made no sense whatsoever. This young man, Sergeant Marcus Fall, was so filled with blind hatred of the Krovinites that his transition to pacifism made absolutely no sense whatsoever, much less his falling for one of them.

I read this advance review copy in electronic form on a decent desktop monitor, and the text was too small to read comfortably. I can't speak for the print version, but I wouldn't recommend reading this on an iPad, unless the text is improved considerably in the published edition. It was complete gibberish on that first page. Some of the text was humorously compressed. When I read, "What is he doing?" it looked like it read, "What is he dong." Another section read like it was "No talking, only dong" which is unfortunate at best! I skipped the introductory page because it was far too small to read the labeling on the solar system map, and the white on black text was just annoying. Maybe the final version is better.

The story is your standard fighting over a resource. This takes place outside of our solar system but is still fought largely between white guys. There is only a token few people of color despite people of color being in the huge majority on Earth. The soldiers on Fall's squad are clad in bulky suits of space-age armor and the carry swords and battle axes for no apparent reason other than gore. They look like a space-age A team. Fall's CO, Lieutenant Cole, looks Like a clown version of Mr T. He and a soldier named Lockwood are coincidentally about the only people of color on their side. Sgt Fall looks like he's ten years old, and he's a good Aryan soldier with yellow blonde hair and blue eyes. No wonder he wants to wipe out the other side and is constantly at odds with his darker shaded CO.

There are no robots here, for reasons unexplained. Yeah - the explanation is that writers can't get any emotional resonance out of an army of robots, although in this case the characters may as well have been robots being programmed and reprogrammed and on one note only. It was therefore amusing to me that the military was religious! Evidently the writers are fans of the Doctor Who episode Time of the Angels and its sequel, which, if true, is commendable, but this story didn't bring anything new. It never felt like any of these characters really believed what they were saying, not even the most dedicated religious devotees. Overall, the story made no sense, was constantly interrupted by boring flashbacks, and failed to really engage me at all. I only finished it because it was quite short. I can't recommend it.