"When widower David moves back to his hometown of Promise Falls, he stumbles into the mystery of a murdered mother's baby - whom his cousin has been raising as her own." Promise Falls, really? This a definite no.
Friday, August 13, 2021
The Nostradamus Equation by Christopher Cartwright
What did Nostradamus find on his perilous 1562 expedition into the desert? Modern-day adventurer Sam Reilly follows Dr. Zara Delacroix to the Sahara in search of an ancient text that holds the answer" Nostradamus was a delusional 16th century asshole. "A riveting, action-packed read!" Doubtful.
Stay Gold by Tobly McSmith
"When Pony starts at a new high school, he plans to fly under the radar and keep his trans identity hidden." Pony? Seriously? As in hung like a horse? Neigh.
Serenade by Heather McKenzie
"All her life, Kaya has been closely guarded - supposedly sheltered from her father’s enemies. It’s not until she’s kidnapped by Luke that she experiences freedom for the first time." Seriously? Kidnapping is a good thing? This author is dangerously delusional. The book description continues: "As she learns the truth about her family, she faces her growing feelings for Luke, who has his own secret." This is all kinds of wrong, so no. Definitely no.
When Maidens Mourn by CS Harris
This one is out because it has 'sleuth' in the book description, but the blurb has it that: "In 19th-century England, a woman studying the legend of King Arthur is murdered - and sleuth Sebastian St Cyr sets out to unravel the intriguing case" How is it intriguing? And that name? Is it supposed to be pronounced 'sincere'? Sebastian Sincere?! Really? No. No. No. And that title? Maidens? Really?
The Moneychangers by Arthur Hailey
"Bank owner Ben Roselli is dying — and his executive VPs are in a ruthless competition to assume control." And poor deceased Arthur isn't going to get a penny of that sale price....
Deeper Than the Dead and Choosers of the Slain by Who Cares, Really?
These two titles ought to be sold as a pair based purely on their titles.
Deeper Than the Dead by Tami Hoag claims to be a New York Times bestseller. If so, why is it being flogged at discount rates on a book flyer? Hmm! The description says, "Three children and a young teacher make a horrifying discovery in their seemingly idyllic town: a corpse with its mouth and eyes glued shut. FBI profiler Vince hunts for the truth — but more victims might be found." More victims might be found? Oh my god! We'd better put this case on hold until we're sure no more victims will be found!
Meanwhile, in Choosers of the Slain by James H Cobb, "When Argentina launches an invasion to seize territory in Antarctica, Commander Amanda Garrett and the USS Cunningham must sail into hostile waters to stop them." Why? This is essentially nothing more than a rip-off of the actual hostilities between Argentina and the British some beers ago. Yawn.
Summer at Sea by Beth Labonte
"Trapped on a cruise ship with her parents, 26-year-old Summer goes looking for her future husband among the passengers. But her brother's best friend, Graham, has other ideas." You can bet your sweet ass he does! Seriously? This woman is only 26 yet she's desperately searching for a husband - like any guy will do as long as he's on this ship? How can a female author be so insulting to her own gender? This book is garbage from the concept onwards.
Crown of Crowns by Clara Loveman
I know what you're thinking. This is about a retired hitman who takes up dentistry and finds he's really good at capping teeth. But no. Sorry. The plot has it that: "When young noblewoman Kaelyn meets commoner Roki, they spark a life-changing connection - but their love is forbidden by law." Of course it is because this is Romeo and Juliet rip-off. Yawn. Game of Thrones rip-off - at least for the title if nothing else. Double yawn.
The Heart Has Its Reasons by MarÃa Dueñas
A book that has nothing to do with heart and everything to do with carnality and lust! "From a New York Times bestselling author" who despite all that, evidently has to hawk her books at a discount in a book flyer? I wonder why? The unoriginal plot has it that "After her husband of 20 years leaves her for another woman, college professor Blanca accepts a research position in California - where she is drawn into a world of passion, secrets, and self-discovery." This is a college-educated woman, and a teacher, who inexplicably waits until her husband leaves her before she even considers bringing passion and freshness into a relationship? Why would she be any more successful afterward than she was before with that mindset? Barf. I'll skip this one!
Trusting Aaron by Becca Jameson
"When virgin Hope flees her own wedding by diving into Aaron's car, she convinces him to take her to Denver - where he's opening a new BDSM club that she wants to explore. But can she handle the desires of an experienced dom like Aaron?" My guess is she'll step up like a champion. But a virgin? Really? And she runs out on her fiancé - at the wedding? It's not Aaron who has the trust issues. Sorry, but no. Unoriginal trash. I honestly think it would be a more interesting story if it explored whether 'Becca' is really a name.
Shadow of Cain by Vincent Bugliosi, Ken Hurwitz
It took two people to write this? "Serial murderer Raymond Lomak is about released from prison as a supposedly changed man." No. Just no. Ian Raymond Lomax is a cricketer, by the way. Just saying. Maybe Lomak was bats?
Pushing Up Daisies by Katherine Hayton
It's never a good idea to take the title of a wonderful and amusing TV murder series and use it for something else. The unoriginal plot here has it that, "When her boyfriend fails to show up for tea, fiftysomething widow Willow Foxglove" Willow Foxglove? Seriously? "...is a little disappointed - but her disappointment turns to horror when she finds his body in her garden! With the local authorities blaming her for the crime," Right because all murderers just leave their victims lying around in the yard. "...can Willow and her two best friends prove her innocence?" is that a serious question? Once again, it's not up to Willow to prove her innocence. It's up to the authorities to prove her guilt, which is going to be hard to do if she's not guilty. But her meddling and interfering will make her suspicious, not render her innocent. Another waste of time.
Shell Game by Sara Paretsky
"A USA Today bestseller from an author hailed as "a genius" (Lee Child)" This tells me I need never read a Lee Child novel because he thinks someone who evidently can't invent new characters and has to keep retreading a really old one is a genius? How low is his bar?! The plot has it that, "When a friend's nephew is accused of murder, sleuth VI Warshawski investigates - and uncovers a link to a stolen artifact with dangerous ties." What, are those railroad ties? I refuse to read any book with the world 'sleuth' in the description, or a claim to the effect that "Everyone will want to go along for this ride." No, you don't get to speak for me.
Invisible Girl by Lisa Jewell
"After Owen is drawn into insidious online forums," yep - it's a gambling forum. His name is Owen Munny.... "...the family across the street becomes suspicious — and then Owen is the last to see a vanished girl alive." Is this actually supposed to be a plot? I can't tell!
The Grilling Season by Diane Mott Davidson
"When caterer Goldy's ex-husband is accused of homicide, she must put down her spatula and pick up the case of a lifetime!" Why? Are the police on strike? Is Goldie gonna mix it up with the local mob? Crack a few eggs...er...heads? Yawn.
Paradise Bay: A Romantic Comedy Boxed Set by Melanie Summers
"Welcome to Paradise Bay, an island resort where three women find their lives changed forever. From a jilted bride discovering her wild side to a single mom getting her shot at happily ever after, this fun-filled collection offers a delightful escape." It apparently offers no escape from women being utterly dependent upon men to rescue them. And I'll bet there isn't even a box. I'll bet if you went there and demanded a box, the security guard would box your ears.
Melvin the Mouth by Katherine Blanc, Jeffrey Ebbeler
I'm not surprised Kirkus considers this "top-notch fun," as what appears to be Mel Blanc's daughter-in-law cashes in on her father-in-law's exceptional and unmatched voice talent, but if this isn't an audiobook, then what's up doc? Maybe it should be retitled "Milking Mel" or "Drawing a Blanc"? It's certainly not something I want to donate to.
Outfoxed by RJ Blain
"When a tornado strikes, shifter Jade is forced to take cover with one of the bounty hunters out to capture her." Oh look! The antagonists thrown together and have to get along. How original. Barf. Let me guess: first perosn voice, too?
Basics of Spellcraft by LC Mawson
"When Amelia discovers she has magical abilities, she's sent to Ember Academy for Young Witches to stay safe from the demons who are targeting her. As she struggles to access her powers and memories, danger lurks around every corner... Book one in an exciting fantasy series!" Of course it is! A magical person going to magical high school and telling the story as it happens in first person voice. Sooo original! No thanks!
Mine by Kim Hartfield
"Three months on an organic farm should give Cherry a new perspective on life, but can she prove to the farm's confident, beautiful owner that she isn't just a sightseeing city girl? Cherry finds herself seeking approval from her boss in a whole new way in this steamy read!" The newbie is called Cherry? And she's on a farm? Seriously? Pluck off. I notice, once again, that the only quality the farm owner seems to have, apart from confidence, and according to yet another female author, is that she's beautiful, because of course, as you know - or at least as all YA writers know anyway - beauty is the only measure of a woman; she ain't got that, she's worthless. Mark my worms....
Mary Bennet and the Beast of Rosings Park by Joyce Harmon
"Magician Mary Bennet...." Stop right there. No thanks. Barf. Go rip-off someone else for a change. If the author had actually read Austen, she'd know that Mary Bennet would never be allowed anywhere near Rosings by Lady Catherine. How come no one ever writes about Anne de Bourgh?
The Dragon Corps Box Set: Books 1-4 by Natalie Grey
"When commander Talon Rift" Stop right there - and fuck off. If that's the best name you can come up with I don't even want to know you let alone read your shitty novel. Unless it's a parody. About a Dragon Corpse that these dumb fucks are hauling around the countryside for some reason. Is it a parody? Thought not. Byeee!
Coast Road by Barbara Delinsky
"After Jack" Stop right there. That's an automatic hard no! Jack is the most tediously over-used name in literary history. What's his last name? Off? Has anyone, anywhere, ever actually met anyone who was named Jack? I thought not. "...learns that a car accident has left his ex-wife, Rachel, in a coma, he drops everything to take care of his teenage daughters in coastal California - and there, he gains a new perspective on life" Well of course he does - it's on the coast so his perspective is the ocean. What a dumb-asshole this Jack Off is.
Drive Me Crazy by Tracy Wolff
" Elise and Quinn grew up fighting with each other - and against their attraction." Yawn. Wake me up when we reach anything remotely original.... "But when he hears about Elise's car crash, Quinn brings her to his mansion, where he'll help her recover in the most seductive way possible...." Yeah, take advantage of the dependent disabled girl why don't you. This novel is indisputable dog shit from the off.
Slade's Glacier by Robert F Jones
"After World War II, veterans Jack and Sam" Oh look - it's Jack again. How original! "head to the Alaskan wilderness to work as bush pilots." I wonder whose bush they're working on? Hard no to this one.
Love Me Like You Mean It by Laura Burton
That title does not go with this story in which "Emma tells a white lie" No, it's a lie. There's no such thing as a white lie, especially not when the intention is purposeful deception for selfish gain. Emma outright lies "while trying on wedding gowns - and when her life spirals out of control, she ropes her best friend, Aidan, into posing as her fiancé." What a piece of work Emma is. I hope Aidan ditches her. OTOH, he's as bad as she is, knowing she's a liar and supporting her in perpetrating a falsehood instead of doing what a true friend would do - talking her out of it. This is yet another dumbass story where the dumbass woman doesn't grasp that her dumbass BFF is the one for her. So Emma isn't only a liar, she's a moron. There's a better story to be told here, but apparently the author was too wedded to this dumb one.
Ship It by Britta Lundin
"Pitch-perfect. I love this book so much I literally can't even" (Mackenzi Lee) - that tells me everything I need to know about this novel and about author Mackenzi Lee: avoid both! Thanks for the heads up! An alternate title suggestion though: Shove it?
Confined Desires by Katherine McIntyre
The author who likes to rhyme her titles...with her name! "When her high school bestie, Mia, comes to stay for a few weeks, Sky is flooded with her old unrequited feelings. And when they end up trapped in an apartment together, the sparks are undeniable." Does the apartment burn down from the sparks? Now that would be funny. Does the author (and/or the writer of this blurb) have any clue what 'unrequited' means? So what's up? Is Sky going to force herself on Mia? How is that in any way confining her desires? Either they need a new blurb or a new story, because one of these is fucked up.
Message in the Sand by Hannah McKinnon
"On one fateful summer night, a shocking and unexpected event transforms the residents of a small New England town." Judged by the cover it's the discovery of a headless woman sitting on the dock. Is she the headless horseman's girlfriend? Is that what happened? He lost his head over her? Well they sure can't put their heads together and solve that problem...or can they? This cover tells me the author and publisher consider that a woman's mind is completely unimportant. All that's of value are her primary and secondary sexual organs. No. Just no. And again, no.
Duke by Rozlan Mohd Noor
"When two people are gunned down in a locked car stuck in traffic, inspector Mislan suspects there's more to the case than it seems." OMG! What a genius he is! Barf.
The Single Matchmaker by JJ Arias
"Libby has finally inherited her family's matchmaking empire - but it's all at risk when her fiancé dumps her. To save her reputation, she ropes Reagan into being her pretend girlfriend." So she dishonestly seeks to save her business instead of simply finding a new match using her own business and hold that up as an example? What a fucking moron! Barf.
16 Lighthouse Road by Debbie Macomber
"In cozy Cedar Cove, family court judge Olivia sets the town abuzz with a ruling - and attracts the attention of newspaper editor Jack" yet another dumbass novel that is so unimaginative that it stoops to using the go-to, most overused heroic dumbass name ever: 'Jack'. His name is Jack Mehoff and as a news reporter he's jacked into the system. He's going to hijack judge Olivia's attention, and she won't be able to do jack about it. Yawn.
Pieces of Her by Robert J Walker
I would have read this, but I didn't want to get arrested for being a J Walker.... "When a child disappears without a trace while on a hiking trip in the woods, retired detective Jim Irons must face his own painful past to find answers in this haunting new crime thriller." Oh look - a detective with a painful past! How thoroughly original. Barf.
State of Emergency by Marc Cameron
What an original title! "After a two-pronged strike against the United States and Russia, elite Air Force agent Jericho Quinn" stop right there. No. Just no. Jericho? Seriously? Author Brad Thor thinks this is "Awesome" so we're given to understand. Remind me never to read anything he's written, either.
Dark Room by Heidi McLaughlin, LP Dover
"Wealthy Parker visits a sex club and indulges in the Dark Room - where talking is forbidden. But when anonymous sex with his best friend's sister, Mia, fulfills all his wildest fantasies, will they break the rules to be together?" How sweet! They can share their doses of penicillin. Barf.
Gracie's Secret by Jill Childs
An author named Childs writes a book about a child! "When her three-year-old daughter is nearly killed in a car accident, Jen is furious at the woman who was driving: Ella, her ex-husband's girlfriend. And soon, a devastating secret could come to light" That Gracie isn't her ex's child? No surprises there.
Steamborn: The Complete Trilogy by Eric R Asher
Jacob, a tinker's apprentice, has never ventured beyond Ancora's walls - but an enemy invasion forces him to embrace his destiny." Which is to run away beyond the walls? Is this another steampunk story that has little to no steam - and isn't even steamy?! Nothing could be rasher....
The Weight of a Thousand Oceans by Jillian Webster
"In a flooded near-future, Maia lives an isolated life" No, relaly? "dreaming of a brighter tomorrow - and of a land her grandfather insists is just a myth." Lemme guess: that land is the USA? Yawn.
The Chocolate Works by Geoffrey Knight
"Chicago businessman Henry has no idea what to do with the roadside diner he inherited from his uncle. But when he meets an irresistible chocolatier named Levi, he senses a sweet, delicious future for the restaurant... and himself!" Seriously?
A Vicarage Reunion by Kate Hewitt
Kate Blew it with this one - it makes three strikes for me with her. "Grappling with a recent loss, Esther leaves her stoic husband and moves in with her parents." Way to go, Esther! Ditch the guy right when he's at his most vulnerable. "But just as she begins to navigate her new, single life, Will shows up on her doorstep - prepared to do anything to win her back." Of course he is, because god forbid the Biblically named Esther will manage life on her own without some guy to rescue her. I wonder if anyone's told God's Will what a cold bitch his fantasy girl has become over the years? And he's trying to win her back? What went wrong the first time?
Plantation Shudders by Ellen Byron
This is no work of Byron! "When Maggie returns to her family's Louisiana bed-and-breakfast, she must find out who killed two of the guests before she goes to jail for the crime." Nope. It doesn't work like that lady Byron. The prosecutors have to prove you guilty. You don't have to prove you're innocent. Yawn. And 'Plantation Shudders'? Really? No. Just no.
Run Rose Run by Dolly Parton, James Patterson
So in the news on CNN's website yesterday was a story about Dolly Parton writing her own novel - which is fake news in my opinion, since she's working with James Patterson. To me, this means he's the one actually doing the writing, and presumably picking Dolly's brains as he goes. Of course he's going to get more sales if the fiction is that Dolly is writing it.
I don't know for sure: that's just a guess. Who knows, maybe she's teaching him a thing or two about writing. The novel is about a young woman who moves to Nashville to follow her dream of becoming a musician, so there's nothing original there at all. It's not even a stretch! There's some hint about her dark past following her, but again, nothing new there either. This plot has been done to death already.
The real fiction here is that the article claims that Patterson, who I don't like as an author, is America's number one bestselling author. What they're basing that on isn't revealed, but every news outlet is parroting it. Investigative journalism is dead, because that honor surely goes to someone like Danielle Steel or Harold Robbins in terms of total book sales? Patterson comes way down the list below them. I guess it's possible they're talking recent sales, in which case Patterson may be higher up the list, but it's still dishonest, because then you have to figure in people like Dean Koontz and Stephen King who are still currently writing and selling novels and have higher sales than Patterson, so whence the 'number one bestselling'? It sounds like numnber two to me.
Doubtlessly this novel will be a bestseller because of the big names involved, but I sure have no intention of ever reading it. It's another unoriginal and unimaginative yawner.
Paradise Crime Mysteries: Books 1-3 by Toby Neal
We're told this is from a USA Today bestselling author who is "persistently riveting" according to the illiterate fucks at Kirkus Reviews. Persistently riveting? Really? Is that a thing? As opposed to what? On-and-off riveting? Part-time riveting? Occasionally riveting? The story is "As bodies wash up on beaches and people vanish without a trace, Lei Texeira must track down killers who lurk in paradise." Yeah good luck with that. This is purportedly, "An unputdownable collection of reads set in Hawaii," but I'll pass. I'm really looking for something that's every other day riveting. This persistent riveting is really only half-gripping.
Changing Lines by RJ Scott, VL Locey
It took two to come up with this work of genius! "When hockey wunderkind Tennant Rowe meets his new coach, he knows he's in trouble. Jared Madsen is nine years older than Tennant, impossibly attractive, and - worst of all - his brother's off-limits best friend. Is their chemistry worth the risk?" What risk? Dumbass authors need to get over this brother's best friend is off-limits horseshit. That's not a thing. It sure as hell isn't rule. No, the problem here is that Jared is an authority figure in a positon of power over Tennant and that's the problem these idiots are missing. Barf. And Tennant Rowe, really? What is he - a rental?
Gauntlet Fall by Maddy Edwards
"Determined to find her missing brother, Samantha leaves her isolated village behind and disguises herself as a boy to attend the Harknell School, where she'll train to become a Gauntlet Runner." How original. One question: WTF is a gauntlet runner? They deliver gloves during a Covid lockdown?
The Empire of Gold by SA Chakraborty
"After Daevabad is brutally conquered and stripped of its magic, healer Nahri and exiled prince Ali must find a way to save their city." Prince Ali? Really? That's the most original name this author can come up with? But take it from me, Ali, if you were so dumb that you let your city get conquered - and you had magic??? - you're way too late to do anything about it. Go be a cliché, dude. It's what you were made for.
A Man of Shadows by Jeff Noon
"John Nyquist searches for a missing girl in a city divided into one district of permanent daylight and another of endless night." In a novel written by a guy named Jeff Noon? Really? Can you say Alex Proyas - Dark City?
Dear Emmie Blue by Lia Louis
"When Emmie learns that her best friend, Lucas, is planning on marrying someone else, her life is turned upside down." Yep, that's what kind of a dumb fuck Emmie is: so self-absorbed that she doesn't have a clue what her supposed best friend is up to. And Jodi Picoult apparently found this "Delightful"? That tells me all I need to know about her writing, too.
Chance Encounters: The Collection by L Moone
"When total strangers experience a night of erotic bliss together, is love at first sight doomed to fade - or will their desire fuel a life-changing passion? A red-hot collection of romances!" The only thing red hot here is the burning in their sex organs due to the infections these assholes inevitably picked up from having unprotected sex with complete strangers. yawn.
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