"Years after their friendship-ending fight, Drue asks Daphne to be the maid of honor at her Cape Cod wedding." Thats the entire plot? Hot Dog! Why is it 'maid of honor' yet on the other side of the aisle, it's 'best man'? Can't we have 'bachelor of honor' or call her the 'best woman'? Personally I've always thought the best man was supposed to be the guy who's getting married and the same for the woman, but what do I know?!
Thursday, October 14, 2021
Seven Ways to Kill a King by Melissa Wright
"Princess Myrina of Stormskeep was meant to die in the massacre that took her mother - and now she's determined to get revenge on the murderous kings of the Storm Queen's Realm." Oh look! We have a realm. And 'Stormskeep'? Really? Is that anything like Helmsdeep? I'll pass.
Vampire on the Orient Express by Shane Carrow
I have to grant this one an amusing title. It made me laugh when I read it. Not that I have any intention of reading the novel since I pretty much detest vampire stories; they're nearly all the same, and this one isn't even a parody like my own Merde on the Orient Express is. Here's the plot in a nut's hell: "When American adventurer Sam Carter joins British diplomat Lucas Avery on the Orient Express, they anticipate a luxurious journey from Paris to Constantinople... but an ancient evil lurks among the passengers. Will any of them survive the trip?" My guess is yes. Note the Brit and American traveler so it has transatlantic appeal. God forbid it should be only the one because who the hell wants to read about a person from another country for goodness sakes?!
Deadly Gamble by Connie Shelton
"When Charlie's childhood friend is accused of murder, can she and her canine companion, Rusty, track down the real killer?" Who gives a shit? Really?
Marriage Games by CD Reiss
"Diana agrees to 30 days in a remote cabin with Adam to gain control of their joint company. But in this ultimate game of domination, will she submit to his every desire?" Or is another word for this plot simply 'rape'? No thanks. What kind of trash is this? Another one of Reiss's pieces of shit? She wants to dominate the company, but she lets herself be subjugated to him? That is so many kinds of bone-headed it's uncountable. What a pile of festering horseshit!
A Great Deliverance by Elizabeth George
"Inspector Lynley and his partner come to the secretive village of Keldale to discover if a sullen teenage girl was responsible for her father's savage murder." Have you noticed how the murder is never actually a murder? It's always a brutal murder or a savage murder, or a shocking murder. Nobody murders ordinarily in these books! I'll pass, because for me the only thing murdered here is a good, original story. You'd think that someone whose namesakes are two monarchs might set her standards a bit higher.
Teddy Spenser Isn't Looking for Love by Kim Fielding
How original: two guys hate each other and then fall in love. Never heard of that plot before. Except maybe a dozen score times. "When designer Teddy Spenser and his handsome nemesis, Romeo Blue, are forced to work together, their collaboration may reveal an attraction neither was expecting." Then those two were the only ones on planet Earth not expecting it! The 'antagonists fall in love' trope has been done to death. Does 'designer' mean fashion? So do we have the stereotypical trope gay fashion designer? And Romeo Blue? Seriously? There's nothing more self-indulgent, wasteful of Earth's resources, abusive, ridiculous, or downright plain stupid than the world of fashion.
The Color Alchemist by Nina Walker
If Kirkus liked it, chances are, I don't. Especially not with a tired plot that once again has a female writer subjugate her female character to a dominant male: "When Prince Lucas discovers her magical talents, Jessa must train under his tutelage as a Color Alchemist... but the prince has a secret agenda." Must she? I'd be interested in reading it if she rebelled, but no. Why write an original YA novel like that when you can follow the path most trampled that's already been done to death by two score of other authors?
The Girl I Was Before by Izzy Bayliss
How can this even be a series? It's the same tired trope: "When her marriage falls apart, Lily takes refuge in her newfound love of baking. As she decides to turn her passion into a business, can she reinvent her life?" The short answer is yes. Why does the author want to milk you of your money for a whole series based on this tired and unimaginative premise?
The Witches of Wormwood by Silver Nord
I would not buy a book written by someone with such a 'made-up' sounding name, and especially not one which claims to be an "absolutely enchanting collection of clever mysteries" and yet proves itself to be totally unoriginal and uninventive in the very name of the main character: Hazel Salem. Seriously? Can we ever get a book about witchcraft that doesn't fall back on the abusive and pathetic Salem witch trope in some way? Those were innocent women who were brutally murdered in Salem by Christians who were purportedly told to forgive and to turn the other cheek! Hypocrites. And female authors? Show a little fucking respect for those of your gender who were abused by vindictive and psychotic white men. The whole cloying atmosphere around this book makes it suck.
My Life for Yours by Vanessa Carnevale
"Paige is devastated when she suffers a miscarriage due to a rare and life-threatening heart condition. And when she becomes pregnant again, she and her husband face a painful choice." No! The painful choice was whether or not to get pregnant again, not to roll the dice on her life, and risk losing everything. They could have hired a surrogate. They could have adopted, but it seems to me that her husband is a dickhead who doesn't deserve a child if he values his own wife's life so cheaply. You can seee where this novel is going - right out the door. It's either going to be a sickly ending where the mom dies at childbirth, or it's going to be a sickly ending where the mom doesn't die, insulting a lot of women who wish to, but can't, give birth.
Parable of the Sower by Octavia E Butler
Octavia Butler is dead and has no direct heirs. She will not get a penny from this novel, and I doubt any of it will go to the causes she dreamed of supporting. So with 30,000 or more sold, why are they still trying to milk this for all it's worth? Who is getting this money? I read a biography of Butler and got interested in her work, but I did not like the graphic novel version of this novel and was not inspired by it to go on to read anything else by Butler. From what I've read of her, I think I would have liked her as a person and enjoyed her company had I ever been privileged to experience it, but I never had that chance. The story made no sense to me though, and once again, for me, the book description failed to deliver an intelligible idea of the plot! In "a future world teetering on the brink of apocalypse, Lauren holds the key to humanity's salvation." That's not really true, because in volume two of the series, Lauren is already dead having failed to achieve her goal, and that story is told by her daughter! Get the book from a library of find it at Goodwill, and give your money to a good cause in doing so.
How to Trap a Leprechaun by Sue Fliess, Emma Randall
I'm not usually down on children's books unless they're particularly egregious, but trapping a creature? It sounds cruel to me and potentially dangerous if the book advises on building a real trap. Hopefully the 'simple crafts' the blurb claims are employed really are simple and soft, but even if they are, the idea of imprisoning something for personal gain really isn't a good value to teach a child.
Queen of Klutz by Samantha Garman
Yet another tedious cookie-cutter story about yet another woman who loses both boyfriend (fiancé/husband/whatever) and job on the same day, and runs away to a new life. In this case waitressing at an Italian restaurant. The blurb stupidly asks, "Can she find her way back to love and happiness - without falling flat on her face?" Well yeah, otherwise what's the point of the novel?! So, no surprises here; and not even any twists because this will follow the precisely the same predictably boring route all the other scores of novels employing this selfsame plot have trodden into mud. Talk about the road most taken!
Death at a Country Mansion by Louise R Innes
Also look for "Death at a Country Inn" by Louise R Mansions! Just kidding. The problem with this story is lack of originality. Country mansion? Yawn. The blurb says this: "When her friend's opera diva mother is found dead, hairdresser Daisy dons her detective hat to solve the murder!" And why is a hairdresser trying to solve a murder? Is it because once again the cops are utterly useless and only an amateur with zero training can resolve the case? Barf. Get a clue!
Baumgartner Generations Janie by Selena Kitt
"Nanny Janie has a satisfying polyamorous relationship with her employers, Ronnie and TJ. But when she meets sexy Josh, does she have room in her bed for another lover?" Of course she does. She's out to get herself into the Guinness Book of World records for the woman with the most STDs acquired from the fewest partners. Barf.
Marry Me by Mia Monroe
"Briar is dreading seeing his cheating ex at a friend's upcoming wedding - so he asks his straight best friend, Jude, to pose as his fake fiancé. But what happens when their ruse starts to feel like the real thing?" Seriously? Briar? Another gay men novel written by a woman? And Briar is so stupid that he never once realized or even thought for a minute that "Jude" is also gay? This novel has nothing but dumb ingrained in its very fabric and the story has been done to death a billion tiems already. Get a life.
The Best Laid Plans by Cameron Lund
"High school senior Keely wants to lose her virginity before she goes to college - so she sets her sights on the new guy in town. But her childhood best friend, Andrew, complicates things." Of course he does and this is the most important thing on Keely's mind? I guess that's not much of a mind, especially when she has apprently never realize that this childhood best friend is a guy she can trust. Keely is evidently a moron. The most disturbing thing about this though, is that none other than the School Library Journal claims this trash is "An enjoyable, quick read." I find it seriously problematical that yet another dumb-ass novel about a young a girl giving away what's consistently, but ridiculously, presented as her most treasuired asset, is getting published and supported. Barf. Authors like this should be ashamed.
Murder Wears Mittens by Sally Goldenbaum
"When a town recluse's death reveals a hidden fortune, Cass and her intrepid knitting circle hurry to prevent a second murder." Not with that kind of woolly thinking they don't. Another nutty novel nagging that knitting numbskulls are niftier than the police.
Ghost Force by Patrick Robinson
"As tensions over oil ignite an international battle in the South Atlantic, a group of US Navy SEALs is sent to restore peace." Right because they're the perfect people for that job. Yawn.
Would Like to Meet by Rachel Winters
"An assistant at a screenwriting agency, Evie has been waiting years for a promotion. The chance might be here, but it comes with strings: convince their biggest client, arrogant and insufferable Ezra, to write a rom-com script." Of course he's arrogant and insufferable. That's why this moron will fall for him. Barf. Nothing new here. Insufferable accurately describes this kind of a novel.
While the Music Lasts by Maggie Robbins
"Florence leaves behind her best friend turned lover, Bailey, to pursue her dream of becoming a famous cellist. When fate brings them together again, can both women overcome the past and recapture the music they once shared?" Who gives a shit? Florence has no interest in music. She wants to become famous. Not 'accomplished'; not 'outstanding'; not 'gifted'; not 'original in her interpretation', but 'famous'. That's how shallow this dipshit is - and that's what she'll become famous for.
Fortune Favors the Cruel by Kel Carpenter
"Bent on revenge, Quinn must learn to harness her dark powers in order to survive; meanwhile, nobleman Lazarus has waited years for a woman of Quinn's abilities to appear. How could he predict that she would become both the answer to his prayers and his worst nightmare?" Lazarus might not be able to, but everyone who's seen this tedious plot a gazillion times before can. This book of Kel's is a non-starter. Yawn.
The Terminal List by Jack Carr
"In this explosive thriller, a Navy SEAL targets the American conspirators responsible for the deaths of his team and his family." Seriously? Going rogue on a revenge killing is how we want to represent our men and women in uniform? Barf. What's the hero's name? Jack Pierce? Jack Lock? Jack Cage? Jack Stone? Jack Steele? Yawn.
My Fallen Saint by J Kenner
"When Ellie Holmes's world collides with billionaire Devlin Saint, the passion between them is impossible to ignore" Trust me. It isn't. Yawn. And Devlin Saint? Really?
A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers
"Formerly the artificial intelligence of the spaceship Wayfarer, Lovelace has woken up in a new body - with no memory of what happened." Easy: she was a porn movie star. Next intractable problem?
The It Girls by Karen Harper
"Follow sisters Lucy and Elinor - an aspiring designer and an impassioned novelist - as they overcome adversity and pursue their dreams." What a lot they're going to contribute to society. Barf.
How the Light Gets In by Louise Penny
"As the weather turns colder and the holidays approach, the festive atmosphere in Three Pines is marred by a famous woman's shocking murder." As opposed to those non-shocking mundane, everyday murders which no one in their right mind gives a shit about. No wonder the illiterates at Kirkus Reviews (where the light doesn't get in) loved this one.
Blood Witch by Naomi Clark
"Already an outcast among other witches, Lola has nowhere to turn when she's accused of murder. As she sets out to find the true killer with help from beautiful and mysterious Tristesse" Tristesse? Really? This crime should be a doddle to solve since they have magic at their disposal.
Under A Sicilian Sky by Lisa Hobman
"When actress Ruby Locke finds herself in the midst of a media snafu, her movie star fiancé breaks off their engagement - and sends Ruby fleeing to Sicily." Why? And more importantly, do we really need yet another cookie-cutter clone novel about a yet another chicken-shit woman who runs away? Short answer: No! Longer answer: hell No!
Goddess in the Machine by Lora Beth Johnson
"After Andra awakens from a cryogenic sleep 1,000 years in the future, she must navigate the strange world with Zhade, an exiled prince" Of course she must, because god forbid any woman should do anything on her own without some fucking prince to validate her, and make her life worth living. How is this story any different from the other one I just got through non-reviewing? Not in any way. Barf.
Some Lucky Woman by Carmen DeSousa
"Hurt one too many times by men, Jana pens a bestseller empowering women to swear off the male species. But an injury places her career in the hands of physical therapist Adrian, putting her head-to-head with a man who's taken offense to her writing!" Of course it does because god forbid she should be a strong woman who doesn't need as man to set her straight. There's nothing new here - chalk and cheese, infuriating man. It's been done a billion times before already. Get a new shtick before your life solidifies into the embodiment of inertia. How so many female authors manage to set themselves up to betray their female characters so consistently is the only interesting thing going on here.
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
Campus Player by Jennifer Sucevic
"Playboy quarterback Rowan has no trouble scoring — both on and off the football field. But when his coach’s daughter, Demi, becomes his tutor, the two do nothing except butt heads… at least, at first." Yet another garbage story about two antagonists who inevitably fall in lust together. There is absolutely nothing new here. These stories are unimaginative, unoriginal, and five-a-penny. They're trite, cookie-cutter clones. Barf.
Emerald Blaze by Ilona Andrews
This marks three strikes for this author. "Catalina Baylor works in magical law enforcement in Texas. When her family comes under attack, she must team up with a figure from her past" which would be the guy who takes the prominent place on the cover of this novel which is purportedly about a female main character? Well, we can all see how that goes. Barf. Yet another female author, yet another dissed character. Count me out.
Ghost Gone Wild by Carolyn Hart
"An otherworldly mishap leaves departed spirit Bailey stuck in her hometown — unless she can rescue a ghost’s nephew from a killer." So wait, this ghost has to rescue another ghost's nephew? Why doesn't the other ghost have to do it? This plot sounds lame from the off. The book is billed as "From a New York Times bestselling author!" Do you know how lame that is? You can sell only 5,000 books, which might get you on the bottom of the list for one week, and then eternally refer to yourself as a best-selling author. It's utterly meaningless unless you're a sheep who, instead of buying something based on how good it might be, you buy something because everyone else is herding toward it. It's also possible to game the system, so I do not trust these 'best selling author claims one bit.
Little Secrets by Jennifer Hillier
"Marin’s perfect life is upended by every parent’s worst nightmare — her son is abducted in a crowded store. A year later with no progress on the case, she finally has a reason to spring into action" It takes her a year to "spring" into action? That ain't springing. That's barely tripping. Book blurbs! Meh.
Atlantis Stolen by Christopher Cartwright
"What destroyed the ancient city of Atlantis? It’s a secret shrouded in mystery" Wrong! It's bullshit buried in fiction. Yawn.
Mischief by Douglas Clegg
"Jim Hook" Really? Is he a pirate? "...arrives at mysterious Harrow Academy" the mysterious academy! Why would he think a mysterious academy can give him a "fresh start — only to unleash a sinister evil." Shit! A sinister evil. That's horrible! Regular evil is bad enough, but a sinister evil? Holy fuck-doodles! He's in deep du-du now. Yawn.
East Lynne by Mrs Henry Wood
"When the aristocratic Lady Isabel abandons her husband and children for her wicked seducer, more is at stake than moral retribution." Yep, it's the entirety of Victorian civilization! Her husband turns into a steamed punk and goes on the rampage with an army of clockwork Viking robots, raping, pillaging, and burning people's houses, but when he discovers that Vikings didn't actually have cow horns in their helmets, he realizes that it is he who is just horny, and begins frequenting horses of ill prepuce, frequently. Damn this auto-correct! LOL! This novel was naturally first in a series, being followed by another seven volumes, resulting in one for each of the main eight points of the compass, but none were so well received as this first one, thereby proving that the advice to "Go west, young man" is bullshit. I did take a stab at reading this one but the story is so ponderously tedious that I quit in short order. It takes forever to get nowhere.
A Murder in Paris (A Year in Europe—Book 1) by Blake Pierce
"Many dream of dropping everything and jetting off to Europe — but having to solve a murder upon arrival? That definitely wasn’t what Diana intended when she left behind all of her responsibilities for the trip of a lifetime. Luckily, she makes a pretty decent sleuth," Stop right there. 'Sleuth' in a book blurb is an automatic 'No!" And why the hell is 'Diana' meddling in a murder in Paris? Because the French police are useless? This is a self-important Donald Trump-style delusion. "I alone can fix it?" Horseshit.
Do No Harm by Christina McDonald
"After her young son is diagnosed with cancer, doctor Emma begins selling opioids in a desperate bid to fund his treatment. But when someone dies, Emma’s own husband leads the investigation." So a doctor and a police detective do not earn enough between them, nor so they have sufficient insurance, to take care of their son? What the hell have they been doing all this time? And now she drug her husband into it? Has the author not noticed the parellels in her story to the Scott Turow novel Presumed Innocent? The wife did it. There really is nothing new under the sun. Yawn.
One Left Alive by Helen Phifer
"After a woman is found hanging in her front garden, detective Morgan Brookes" hangs with her and discovers that she;s really quite a hottie. He fails to realize that there are the bodies of her family in the basement, a white cloth placed over each face." Clearly each damily member has fainted due to the heat from this hottie's body. Can Morgan, who Brookes no refusal, discover them in time, or will they bake for three to four hours at 400 degrees before beign served with a light fave bean gravy and a nice chanti?
The Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes The Veiled Detective by David Stuart Davies
"When Sherlock Holmes arrives in London to begin his career as a private detective, he catches the attention of evil mastermind Professor Moriarty. Soon, he meets Dr. Watson" In short, there's not a goddamned thing that's remotely new here - except that, as is implied by the title, Sherlock becomes Moriarty's bride! The veil signifies modesty and obedience, but the full-blooded ex-military Watson is not about to stand for this, and is determined to rescue his beloved friend! Shenanigans abound! Barf.
Legacy of War by Wilbur Smith, David Churchill
"In the aftermath of World War II, former SOE operative Saffron and her husband, Gerhard, find themselves drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse" That's really only dangerous for the mouse, and they sure taste good with a little saffron don't they?! It's yet another World War Two spy story and there sure aren't anywhere near enough of those already. And it took only two authors to pen this one! Wow! Yawn. Did they think that by adding in the 'Churchill' there, more people would want to read it? Or is that really his name?
The Last Bodyguard by Sean Black
Another dumb-ass blurb: "When a teen goes missing, ex-military bodyguard Ryan Lock will do what it takes to save her from a chilling fate" Add 'Lock' to clichéd "hard-bitten" tough guys names like 'Steele', 'Cage', Stone', and 'Pierce'. Yawn. Ex military bodyguard? Does that mean he was a bodyguard in the military? LOL! I don't believe for a minute that those guys need any bodyguards! What fools these blurb writers be, in their desperation to cram everything into an unsound-bite. But it keeps me amused!
Light It Up by Nick Petrie
So here's my question: Could you possibly have come up with a more cliched title? I don't think so, but I'm open to options here. "When a tightly executed hijacking threatens a family friend’s business, combat veteran Peter agrees to get involved — but the ramifications could be deadly…" Peter Ash is the purported hero here. Peter Ash. Seriously? Here's what Lee Child says, "Lots of characters get compared to my own Jack Reacher, but Petrie’s Peter Ash is the real deal." That tells me to avoid this author like the plague. There's nothing worse than another Jack Reacher round....
Welcome to the World, Baby Girl! by Fannie Flagg
"Dena Nordstrom must face her troubled family history as she searches for happiness" Barf! I'd rather eat fried green tomatoes. Not. No wonder Kirkus's last stand thought it was a "paean" - paean in the ass no doubt. I'll waive the Flagg. Yawn.
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley / Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley
"To save her father, Beauty must live with the mysterious Beast - who teaches her that there’s always more than meets the eye" So a free, antique fairytale is retold with not a thing new added and we're expected to buy it? Barf.
AND
Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
"Erin is secretly in love with Blake, the man whose house she cleans to pay for school — but he has been badly hurt by the outside world. Can she convince him that he deserves happiness… and pleasure? A sizzling twist on Beauty and the Beast" And the same story as the other one. The exact same story in fact. Unimaginative, cookie-cutter trash. Period. Skye Warren? Really? No wonder I don't trust any author's name to be real!
The Goblin King by Jovee Winters
"Kingdom is practically built on happily ever afters — so why can’t the Goblin King find his true pairing?" He's an asshole? "Setting off to Earth to meet his match, it turns out that he doesn’t have to look any further than his new next-door neighbor: tall, gorgeous Joon." Now I get it! He's racist. He won't marry someone of his own race. No wonder he's still single! And Joon bride? Yeah, I get it. No wonder he ends up in Jovee. Yawn.
Cinderella Assassin by Allie Burton / Midnight Wings by Ariele Sieling
"An absorbing Cinderella retelling!" Because if there's one thing this world desperately needs right now it's yet another retelling of Cinderella - like Disney hasn't already run that trope into the ground. "To break her best friend out of the palace prison, Elle makes a deal with her fairy godmother: She’ll get all the magic she needs if she assassinates the prince. But what happens when Elle falls for her handsome target?" Then she's in breach of contract. Next question? Why the fuck doesn't the lazy-ass fairy godnmother assassinate the prince if that's the real goal here?
AND
Midnight Wingsby Ariele Sieling
Ariele Sieling? Really? That's the most bullshit made-up name ever. It's asinine. I flat refuse to read this book based on that ludicrous author name alone! But there's more! "This thrilling sci-fi retelling of Cinderella kicks off a fantastical new series!" Of course it does because why the fuck not keep retreading the same tired story instead of doing the grunt work of creating something new, inventive, and original? "El dreams of piloting fighter jets for the intergalactic fleet," You know jets don't work in space, right, "Ariele"? becuase oif you dontl, you ahve no business writign a space opera. "...but in reality, she’s stuck doing grunt work. When the queen launches a competition to identify new pilots," And the queen is doing this instead of the military why? "El must face her callous stepmother to stand a chance" Why? This is really, not so much a stretch as an overly taut rubber band that's going to snap back on the author's face.
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