"An irresistible spin on the world of Sherlock Holmes!" No, it really isn't. Look, here am I resisting it. "With a sinister force stalking London merchants, Mrs Hudson sets out to solve the mystery - and proves she might be Baker Street’s most talented detective." Seriously? Another tired, unoriginal rip-off? At least it isn't Sherlock's niece so I guess it has that going for it, but that bar is so low that it really doesnlt say much. Mrs Hudson did literally nothing in any of the Holmes stories except in one where she moved a bust of Sherlock around to foil a sniper. She was mistakenly referred to as Mrs Turner in one Holmes story due to a writing mistake by Doyle, but she never exhibted a single isntance of any sort of crime-solving ability or even interest in any such thing. This story is quite obviously an ill-begotten dud. I'd have a lot more respect for writers if they came up with something original instead of ripping-off and repurposing all the frigging time.
Monday, November 8, 2021
Walking Shadows by Faye Kellerman
"When a clean-cut young man is found dead," That;s hilarious. Is tha thow he died? Fromt ehc lean cuts? Yawn. "...detective Peter Decker and his wife, Rina Lazarus, investigate the murder." Wait what? This dick has his wife investigate the crime with him? How the fuck does that work? He doesn't have a partner - I mean a police partner to work it with? This is the dumbest shit I've not read in a long time. Maybe his wife is a ghost. She is named Lazarus after all - risen from the dead. Maybe that qualifies her somehow. Yawn.
The Jigsaw Man by Nadine Matheson
"A heart-pounding roller-coaster ride" says Tami Hoag, but really, who gives a shit what she thinks? I don't get the logic here - most probably because there is none, and this book blurb writer quite obviously thinks we're all sheep - that if Tami Hoag directs, we'll all follow? No thanks! Are we supposed to bow down to the recommendation from a woman with whom most of us have zero in common? Because...what? She's a known author? She writes similar books? She's god almighty and we poor miserable peons should gratefully receive her every utterance as gospel? Fuck that shit. The book blurb only makes things worse: "When two victims wash up from the Thames, DI Henley...." I get it: Henley-on-Thames! Hilarious. "...recognizes the gruesome work of Peter Olivier, the Jigsaw Killer. But Olivier is in prison, thanks to Henley, and all bets are off when he learns he has a copycat." Oh, the copycat serial killer. How stunningly original! That's never been done before. Except for the scores of times it has. Yawn. And all bets are off? What fucking bets? Bêtes Noire? Barf. The only thing off was the blurb writer's brain - turned off when they wrote this blurb. Sorry, but the jig is up for this unoriginal author.
To Lahore with Love by Hina Belitz
"Irish and Pakistani, Addy has always struggled to square the seemingly opposite sides of her identity." How are they "opposite"? Is Irish alien? Is Pakistani alien? Is Irish animal and Pakistani human? Is Pakistani animal and Irish human? Is it because one is white the other is black and this racist book blurb writer thinks the two can't possibly be compatible? Fuck. This. Shit.
Pipe Dreams by Sarina Bowen
"Hockey star Mike..." so, another romance with another fucking hockey star. What is wrong with these asshole authors who believe that there's nothing out there other than muscular hockey stars? I'll tell you what's wrong: they don't have an original neuron in their entire brain, so they have to endlessly clone the work of others and retread it for their own use. "...broke Lauren’s heart, so the last thing she wants is to spend time with him..." but she inevitably will. This is just another urging from a female author to female readers that no matter how badly treated you were by the jerk-off son-of-a-bitch you were with, you're so lacking in worth and utility that the only smart solution is to run right back to him at the crook of his dick - or his pipe, as the title has it.... Barf.
Tallgrass by Sandra Dallas
According to Audiofile - whatever that is - this book is "a rare treasure." I wish. But no it really isn't. The truth is that it's yet another in an endless garbage pile of warmed-over World War Two stories that have been run into the ground already. "When a Japanese internment camp is created in her Colorado farming town, Rennie uncovers secrets that will forever change her life." I doubt it. Yawn.
A Postcard from Italy by Alex Brown
How many scores of times has this exact story been told? "When Grace uncovers a stack of letters and diaries dating back to the end of World War II, she travels to the Italian Riviera to unravel their author’s story" Like I give a flying fuck. World War Two was three-quarters of a century ago. It and every story imagineable that can ever be told about it has been done to death over and over again. Let it go. Find a new shtick. For fuck's sake please try and write something original.
Floored by Karla Sorensen
"While studying abroad in London, Lia Ward meets handsome footballer Jude McAllister." How to unpack this pile of rank festering garbage? Yeah, he's a muscular sporty type. So what's new there? Short answer: nothing. The only studying abroad here is the footballer studying a broad. I guarantee you there will be no depictions of Lia actually studying because that's utterly irrelevant, as is this dude's career. The only thing that's important in this story is a muscular dick and an ever-welcoming pussy. That's it. It's tempting to joke that it should be titled 'Nailed' not 'Floored', but 'Bored' would be the most apt title because it's tedious, retreaded trope. These two fucking clueless assholes have unprotected sex on their first date. She's actually lucky that all she contracted from unsafe sex was a pregnancy. What this tells me is that these two people are morons, and I sure as hell don't want to read a damned thing about them.
The Trouble with Hating You by Sajni Patel
That title right there tells you all you need to knwo about what a pile of garbarge this story is. If you had any doubts even after that, the book blurb should kill it very effectively, but even ebfore that we get the usual meaningless trash: "Farah Heron promises: 'You’ll be rooting for these two from their first meeting!' " Who the fuck is Farah Heron?! I've never even remotely heard of her so why the hell should I give a flyign shit about what she thinks?! Here's the story - so-called: "Liya Thakkar is happy with the single life even if her parents aren’t. When Jay Shah, their latest matchmaking candidate, arrives for dinner, she makes a quick getaway - only to bump into him again at the office." There is quite literally not a single thing new here. This exact story - with a name change here and there - has been told over and endlessly over again. Yawn. Worse though, is this feamle author's apparent absolute conviction that every woman is utterly useless unless she has a guy to validate her. You're not a real woman, says she, unless some guy is willing to rescue you from being single. Yeah. Right. Barf.
Sunday, November 7, 2021
The Iron Tiger by Jack Higgins
"Stranded in the Himalayas, British Navy pilot Jack Drummond" Stop right there. The most over-used name ever in action stories: 'Jack'. What's his nickname? "Bulldog"? Barf. Nothing original here. This is a DNS (Did Not Start) from less than ten words of the book blurb.
Daughter of Time by Sarah Woodbury
"When Meg is catapulted back in time, Prince Llywelyn of Wales is her only hope for survival." Of course he is, because if there's one thing far too many female authors desperately want you to embrace, it's that every woman is completely useless without a man to rescue her, preferably a prince or a billionaire. "Outlander" was bad wnough. Do we really need more? Barf.
Christmas Inn Love by Samantha Chase
"Getting snowbound in Silver Bell Falls was not part of Beckham’s road trip plan. When beautiful innkeeper Cassidy lets him stay at her bed-and-breakfast, he offers to help her fix it up in return" Because the only quality this woman could ever have is her pretty skin, and as hundreds of female authors are evidently so desperate to convince you, every single woman on the planet is utterly useless without a guy.
Book of the Dead by Michael Northrop
"Perfect for fans of Rick Riordan...." Why doesn't that claim suprise me? "When lost spells from the Egyptian Book of the Dead accidentally awaken five ancient terrors, Alex and his best friend, Ren, must fight to save the world." Because eight-year-olds are without question the ebnst people to put on a case like this. Barf.
Wood's Hope by Steven Becker
"After his boat is wrecked in the Bahamas, diver Mac Travis accidentally discovers a 60-year-old plane — one rumored to contain over three billion dollars in gold." Does this dipshit author have any clue how much three billion dollars of gold weighs? Hint: it's a hell of a lot more than any airplane in existance back in the early sixties could carry, so this story is shit from the off! And who would let a plane with that much gold on it sit in the water for sixty years without making any attempt to recover it? Barf.
Saturday, November 6, 2021
Witchcraft by Jayne Ann Krentz
"Author Kimberly Sawyer enjoys her solitary life — until a mysterious figure threatens her in her own home. But handsome Darius Cavenaugh is back in town, and he’ll do whatever he can to protect Kimberly from harm" Because, as hundreds of female authors are evidently quite convinced, a woman is fucking useless without some guy to rescue her from her own weakness and stupidity. Barf.
The Knight Brothers Series by Carly Phillips
"Three billionaires discover..." - if it isn't a cure for cancer or a cure for climate change, who honestly gives a flying fuck what asshole billionaires discover, because chances are it's just more millions they discover....
George Lucas by Brian Jay Jones
"From Star Wars to Indiana Jones, acclaimed filmmaker George Lucas" sold his Star Wars empire to Disney making them an even bigger mega-corporation than they already were. Now they have Pixar, Marvel, and Star Wars. Anyone want to hand them anything else and make 'em even bigger and more monopolistic, and more unassailable so they can continue to turn out pap? Do you? George Lucas? The guy who ripped off Buck Rogers, Edgar Rice Burroughs, and Frank Herbert? Really? The Farce is definitely with him. Barf.
The Last Mona Lisa by Jonathan Santlofer
Lee Child claims this is "instantly immersive, intriguing, and suspenseful". That tells me I never need to read anything by Lee Child. "When professor Luke Perrone begins researching his famous ancestor - who may have stolen the Mona Lisa over a century ago, replacing it with a forgery...." No, he didn't. Are we done here? Can I go now?
The Lancaster Brothers Box Set by Ava Harrison
"Meet the billionaire brothers of the Lancaster family in this box set" where 'box' is a euphemism for the female genitalia. "...full of sexy bosses, one-night stands, and forbidden passion… A complete collection!" A complete collection of veneral diseases, no doubt. Barf. Now, to close out the HTML on this entry I have to write slash body! How appropriate.
Rider’s Revenge by Alessandra Clarke
"After her father’s murder, young K’lrsa...." Stop right there. That's an automatic DNF for me if I start reading one of these asinine fantasy novels where the idiot author starts injecting random apostrophes into the middle of character names. Barf.