"As a child, Ewan was banished to our world from a hidden, magical one. Now, the boundary between realms is blurring…" yeahhhhh...it's that word 'realms' I just can't see anything worthwhile lying beyond.
Sunday, July 4, 2021
Immortal Vegas: The Official Boxset by Jenn Stark
"Artifact hunter Sara makes a living tracking down magical objects. But a shadowy enemy is drawing closer with every dangerous job she completes." Of course it is. What I want to know is, where's the fucking box? When I get a box set, I want a box. This feels more like a set-up.
The Wind’s Twelve Quarters by Ursula K Le Guin
"From the Hugo and Nebula Award–winning author of The Left Hand of Darkness comes an enthralling collection of stories that will captivate readers of science fiction and fantasy!" I promise you it won't. That's why it's being offered at a discount price. Yawn. And twelve qurters? Where did that bullshit come from? Could it by any chance be the number of stories in the collection? Barf.
Rapturous by Marie Force
The title alone ought to be enough to warn a reader off this novel. "Addison has always had feelings for her boss’s best friend, Hayden. But when they finally share a sizzling night together, will she submit to his every desire?" I promise you she will, because has has zero self respect. Yawn.
Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams
"A young journalist grapples with work, love, and identity in London. - The vibrant Queenie is a modern-day Bridget Jones’s Diary" Modern day? Since when is the mid-nineties considered antiquity? Another cookie-cutter excuse for an original story. But I have to grant the author a fabulous name. It's just a real pity that the plotting lets it down.
Panic Point by Bill Briscoe
"When his wife is abducted during their honeymoon in the Great Smoky Mountains, veteran Navy SEAL Earl Helmsly is determined to find her." Another Navy SEAL story! How original! 'Cos there sure aren't enough of those already and when there are enough of those, don't worry, because we'll still have the Air Force Special Tactics, the Army Green Berets, the Army Night Stalkers, the Army Rangers, the Navy SEALs Missions, the Navy SWCCs, the Marine MARSOC, the Marine RECON, and the Marine RECON Missions. Don't worry: we'll enver run out of unoriginal stories.
Hot Property Sherryl Woods
"Molly DeWitt is looking for a fresh start... Too bad trouble seems to be looking for her! When a wealthy man is found with a knife in his back - Molly's knife - she'll have to race against detective Michael O'Hara to prove her innocence." No, that's not how it works! The prosecutor must prove guilt. Why Molly is racing around like she has something to hide, or worse, to cover up, is the real mystery here, and nobody cares anyway, because it's one more in a tedious line of cookie-cutter, utterly invariant, non-mysteries.
Partners in Crime by Elise Sax
"Peter is ready to give up his career as a spy and live a quiet life - until Piper walks out of the woods with no clothes or memory of what happened to her. When the two join forces to decipher Piper's dangerous past, can they manage to stay focused as their chemistry heats up?" Peter and Piper? Really? Retitle this "Piper at the Gates of Dumb" and I might recycle it rather than toss it straight into landfill waste. Barf.
The Force by Don Winslow
"Top NYPD detective Denny Malone has served his city for years" Oh look! A New York cop with an Irish name! How original. This ought to have been titled, "The farce". The force isn't with The Winslow Boy.
Just One Night by Kyra Davis
"Responsible Kasie succumbs to a night of passion with Robert in Las Vegas - only to later discover he's the powerful CEO she'll be working with" This plot has never been done before - if you don't count the million times it actually has. Yawn.
A Taste for Love by Jennifer Yen
Or is this A Yen for Love by Jennifer Taste?! We can never be sure! "When Liza agrees to help out with an annual competition at her mother's bakery, she soon realizes all of the contestants are young men her mom wants her to date. And she finds herself reluctantly drawn to infuriatingly handsome James" No wonder Kirkus thought this was great. An unoriginal story is "changed up" by substituting Asian characters and suddenly it's scrumptious? The dumbass 'infuriatingly handsome' line in the description has been overdone to the point where it's burned to a crisp. Throw it in the trash along with your cookie-cutter. Next please.
The Unteachables by Gordon Korman
"When disillusioned educator Mr Zachary Kermit is assigned to teach a group of misfit students, mayhem ensues - and a life-changing bond is formed." How utterly unoriginal and completely predictable! Let's make it into a sitcom with a laugh track. No wonder Kirkus loved it.
Dead Days of Summer by Carolyn Hart
When her husband is falsely accused of murder, mystery bookstore owner Annie must find the real killer on their South Carolina island - before her beloved winds up behind bars." Why? Are the South Carolina cops utterly incompetent? Does a bookstore owner have more resources than a police department when it comes to solving crimes? Seriously? Or are the laws different there, in that you have to prove your innocence, instead of the authorities having to prove your guilt?
The Misadventures of Catie Bloom by Brooke Stanton
"Catie needs a husband - before her little white lies blow up her glamorous career. But when Sam comes to her rescue, she might find more than she bargained for... A witty romantic comedy" How is it witty when it's been done a gazillion times before? This needs to be put into the witless protection program. It's dumb, tedious and unoriginal. And Catie needs to quit being a lying little shit. She's delusional. There's no such thing as a white lie; there are just lies, period.
Do It for the Prestige by Kaya LaSalle
Does this novel come with a guarantee that not a single word in it is truly original? I'm guessing not, but I'm also guessing it has little in the way of originality given that this same plot has been done to death a thousand times already. Barf. "Straitlaced Claire Evans is completely focused on her job as a PR strategist for the wealthy. She surprises herself when she has a one-night stand — and is even more surprised when the woman turns out to be her next client!" She's going to be more surprised still, when she discovers that she's contracted HPV from having unprotected sex with a stranger.
Carry On by Rainbow Rowell
"A #1 New York Times bestseller with over 118,000 five-star Goodreads ratings!" and yet it still has to be offered at rock bottom prices in a book flyer? "Simon Snow may be the Chosen One, but he sure doesn’t feel like it. At the Watford School of Magicks, Simon must grapple with adventures, hijinks, and his infuriating roommate, Baz" Any blurbn that talks of a relationship with an 'infuriating' other is an automatic pass for me. Barf. It's time to hire a new and original book description writer Rowell, because this one is over the Rainbow. he's drunk the Flavor Aid, and then some.
The Merciful Crow by Margaret Owen
"Perfect for fans of Leigh Bardugo...." Count me out then!
Peasants and Kings by Emma Slate
"While working at the luxurious Rex Hotel," Rex means king - get it? There's nothing like being hit sharply over the head with the patently obvious. I feel this novel is slated to fail. "Sterling Miller meets captivating billionaire Hadrian Rhys and can’t resist his commanding touch — nor his enticing offer to claim her" To claim her? Like she's lost property? Way to dis your own Gender, Slate. Another garbage 'women need to be owned' bullshit excuse for a novel. And there's nothing original here. Sterling is the silver medal and Hadrian is going to build a wall around her? Barf squared.
Vox by Christina Dalcher
“Intelligent, suspenseful, provocative, and intensely disturbing” (Lee Child) - remind me never to read anything Lee Child has ever written if he thinsk this is so good. It's time to put away Childish things. "In a near-future America, the government declares that women can only speak 100 words per day — but linguist Jean McClellan will stop at nothing to make sure her voice is heard." What kind of fucked-up shit is this? In what fucking universe would American women allow this to happen? Seriously? Way to dis your gender Dalcher.
In Case You Missed It by Lindsey Kelk
"After losing her dream job in the United States, Ros returns to her quiet British hometown - and discovers everyone has moved on. Could an accidental text to her ex be her ticket to a new beginning?" No, because unfortunately, her ex is a psychopath and he murders her, has a sex-change, and assumes her entire life. Very sad. Seriously? Hasn't this lousy, anti-feminist pathetic garbage story of an uninteresting loser-girl running back to her hometown and being rescued from her worthlessness by a guy already been told like ten billion times before already? Get a new shtick Kelk, for heaven's sake. Come up with something original for once in your life. Support your gender instead of trashign it with these sad excuses for tired, enbdlessly-reworked plots.
Saturday, July 3, 2021
Winter Cowboy by RJ Scott
What exactly is winter cowbioy? Do they round up snowflakes? Corral icicles? Go on snowdrift drives? This tells us that "Micah and Daniel loved each other - until a devastating tragedy tore them apart. But when they both return to Whisper Ridge, they gain a chance to heal old wounds..." Two guys on a mountain? Can you say Brokeback Ridge redux? How original.
Find Me by Francesca Riley
A typical YA paranormal romance. If the ridiculous title doesn't turn you off, the book description should: "When 17-year-old Skye returns to the seaside village where she grew up, she becomes captivated by Hunter, a gorgeous and mysterious swimmer." Hunter and Skye? Really? I think Hunter is maybe a merman since the cover shows the girl in the water. But if he's the hunter, why call her Skye? Why not call her Kipper - or Snapper? LOL! No thanks to this garbage.
Freed by EL James
Talking of garbage, here's what's hopefully the actual final instalment in the Fifty Shades of Tired series: "The final installment of the renowned Fifty Shades series from Christian's perspective!" which unfortunately doesn't say a thing about there not being any more of this trash. It's the series that made BDSM stand for boring, dumb, morose shit. What's the next trilogy? From the fly on the wall's perspective? From Anastasia's pussy's perspective? The blurb continues: "With a wedding on the horizon, will Christian's need for control tear him and Ana apart - or will their passion set him free?" Don't we already know the answer to this abusive and misleading relationship? Grey steel is what this is - cold and unappealing and dangerous when people try to emulate this without knowing what they're doing. It's yet another series that's fit to be tied.
No Flowers Required by Cari Quinn
"With her flower shop close to going under, Alexa could do with a distraction - and sexy handyman Dillon might be just what she needs." Why not just call him Dildo and be done with it? Business savvy is what this dipshit actually needs.
Tear Me Apart by JT Ellison
Here's a lesson: never buy a novel with a dumb-ass title like this. "After a tragic skiing accident, Mindy needs a stem cell transplant." Seriously? How the fuck do you end up needing a stem cell transplant due to a skiing accident? Did her eggs freeze?
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