"In the Cornish seaside village of St. Carys," Caries is tooth decay. Is this novel too sweet for its own good? "Clemency asks her best friend, Ronan, to pretend to be in a relationship with her. Why?" Because it's one of the most over-used plot devices ever, which tells me this author is evidently struggling to come uop with an original idea. Pass.
Saturday, July 10, 2021
Road Dogs by Elmore Leonard
"While serving time, bank robber Jack Foley" Stop it right there, I want to get off the bus. 'Jack' is the most ridiculously over-used name ever in this kind of novel and it's an immediate no for me. A Foley on the other hand is a device for draining urine from someone's bladder, so maybe Elmore is just taking the piss out of you? Is it really Elmore Leonard, BTW, or is it instead, Leonard Elmore?
Dark Matter by Ian Douglas
"President Koenig is convinced that forming an alliance with the Sh’daar" Oh look! The aliens have an apostrophe in their name How original. Automatic 'no' for me for sci-fi and fantasy when the author starts pulling out those ridiculous apostrophes - or more accurately: putting them in for no purpose whatsoever. We're done here.
Thursday, July 8, 2021
The Summer Girls by Mary Alice Monroe
"At the behest of their father’s will, three half sisters gather together one final time at their grandmother’s South Carolina beach home" How many times ahs this exact plot been done before? I've lost count.
Gil's All Fright Diner by A Lee Martinez
"Gil’s All Night Diner isn’t your average greasy spoon - so eat fast before a customer takes a bite out of you! When the diner’s owner pays werewolf Duke and vampire Earl to deal with her zombie problem, it won’t be an easy task… Listeners 'will happily sink their teeth into this combo platter of raunchy laughs'" Not me. Not interested. I was doing fine until the 'raunchy laughs' but then I lost interest. Maybe it's ebcause I'm not thirteen anymore?
Crown of Bones by AK Wilder
A 'layered, surprise-laden fantasy' (Kirkus Reviews)" I'm outta here! "...perfect for 'those who enjoyed Leigh Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone trilogy and Rin Chupeco’s The Bone Witch trilogy'" Again, count me out. With two narrators it's doublessly a dual first person PoV which is another reason to avoid it. Here's the plot: "In order to master his powers and raise his phantom, the heir to the throne of Baiseen enlists a sailor and an amateur scribe to accompany him on his voyage." Huh? This tells me literally nothing about what's going on here. Pass (and by that I mean it's a fail).
Wednesday, July 7, 2021
Cop Town by Karin Slaughter
"Karin Slaughter is simply one of the best thriller writers working today, and Cop Town shows the author at the top of her game" Doubtlessly that explains why she has to sell off this title at a discount in a book flyer. And she only had to rip-off part of the title of the 1997 movie starring Sylvester Stallone - about "a horrific murder" in Cop Land!
The Lighthouse Keeper's Daughter by Hazel Gaynor
Fresh from the bar Mitzi, Gaynor trots out this work, hailed thus: "This is historical fiction at its finest." Ri-ight, because nothing so compliments a woman as her being labeled as someone else's appendage right there in the title. Barf.
Ladies of the House by Lauren Edmondson
"A 'witty' retelling (Publishers Weekly) of Sense and Sensibility" - because the original had no wit at all, right? There's nothing witty about ripping off a dead author. The world desperately needs the ten-thousandth and one re-writing of a Jane Austen novel. Like it needs another pandemic. There's nothing new in this plot either: "When Daisy Richardson and her sister learn of their father’s involvement in a public scandal, they must" open a bordello and call themselves 'ladies of the House'? Now that just might be an original story!
Death on the Page by Essie Lang
"When a true crime writer visits Shelby Cox’s bookstore for a series of signings, she’s over the moon!" What a cow! "But after the author is found dead days later, can Shelby page through potential suspects and solve the case?" Why? Are there no police to work this case? Are they so utterly imcompetent that a bookstore owner with zero exerience, meddling where she ought not to be, and doubtlessly finding clues that she keeps from the police, thereby illegally interfering with a murder investigation, can solve it first? "...before the investigation is shelved for good?" Murder investigations are never shelved, numbnits. They remain open until they're solved. A murder mystery author really ought to know that....
All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
"When Violet and Finch meet on the ledge of a bell tower, they form a bond that will change them both." Yes indeed! The bird tries to eat the flower, but it reacts violetly, and they both have to pay the bell toll. Yawn.
Day Zero by Marc Cameron
"Wanted for murder, special agent Jericho Quinn flees the country with his daughter." Chickenshit. Some hero, huh? Any novel that has a ridiculous character name like that - and assuming it isn't a parody - needs to be tossed without any further consideration.
Crash into Me by KM Scott
"First in a series" Of course it is, because god forbid one trashy novel should be enough. "When smoking-hot billionaire Tristan offers Nina her dream job" she shits herself and realizes she can make a killing in the organic fetilizer market.... Barf. The title alone should make you nauseated.
My Jane Austen Summer by Cindy Jones
"After she loses her mother, boyfriend, and job, Lily — a down-on-her-luck Jane Austen fan — travels to England to reenact Mansfield Park!" What a fucking idiot! Yet another rip-off of Jane Austen that's totally braindead. Yawn.
Sandstorm by TW Piperbrook
"On the desert planet of Ravar," the first known palindromic planet where the Elpoep people used to live, "...three generations of colonists have survived the unforgiving environment without help from Earth’s supply ships." Which begs only one question: why the fuck did they go there in the first place? Morons.
The Ministry of Curiosities by CJ Archer
"Charlie, a necromancer, conceals her identity by posing as a boy...." How original! No girl has ever posed as a boy and gone by the name of Charlie before. Let me guess: what's her real name? Charlotte? Let's go ahead and call her Charlotte-Anne and be done with it.
The Forget-Me-Not Bakery by Caroline Flynn
"When Paige leaves New York City behind to" turn a new Paige? "...open a bakery in Port Landon," well I was close.... "...she meets widowed single dad Cohen… but is he ready to love again?" You bet your sweet ass he is so ready to jump her buns and lay his bear claws all over her. Yawn.
In Peppermint Peril by Joy Avon
"In a charming small town in Maine," where the police are utterly useless at catching murderers, "Callie is helping her great-aunt prepare a tea party for a wealthy widow’s will reading." Because we should all celebrate the death of rich old folk. "But when death turns up as an unexpected guest," they can't find anywhere for him to stash his scythe. What a calamity! "Can Callie and her great-aunt nab the killer?" Hell yes! They chase that son of a bitch down in a cross-country sprint over hill and dale, and nail his no-good murdering ass with a flying rugby tackle. No wonder the clueless Kirkus Reviews finds this "delightful." They would.
Tuesday, July 6, 2021
Y Is for Yesterday by Sue Grafton
Sue Grafton old, tired plots onto new printed pages.... "When a young man’s sordid crime comes back to haunt him, Kinsey Millhone is called in to investigate — and must face a monster from her own past." Because that plot has never been used in a private dick story before. At least not if you don't count the first 100,000 times. Yawn. Is there any hope of a guarantee that this will all be over when she reaches Z? Anyone? Bueller?
They Did Bad Things by Lauren A Forry
Six university students become roommates — but only five live through the year. Twenty years later, someone lures the survivors to an isolated Scottish mansion to draw out the truth." This has only been done to death a fuck ton of times already.
Stranded with a Billionaire by Jessica Clare
"Stranded by a storm, Logan Hawkings" That's it right there. Ban all books where last names are now first names. "...meets the woman of his dreams, a waitress named Bronte." Sorry, I had to take a minute to retrieve the ass I just laughed off. "...but what happens when she finds out he’s a billionaire?" I dunno: she has her first orgasm? She takes up knitting? She runs away and opens a cupcake shop in Bumfuck Idaho where she finds dead body parts in the antique cash register? The author gets a clue and finally writes something original? Nah! Strike that last one. It's too far fetched....
The Sweeney Sisters by Lian Dolan
"After their father unexpectedly dies, sisters Maggie, Eliza, and Tricia reunite at their childhood home." This exact plot has been done only...what? ten thousand tiems already? barf.
Crystal Magic by Madeline Freeman
"When she moves in with her aunt, Krissa hopes to leave the past behind. But her classmate Owen may know more about her — and her powers — than she knows herself. That tells me Owen is a stalker and your typical YA teen girl in these sotries is a fucking moron. How can you be Free, man when you're hide-bound by unoriginal plots and tired, retreaded stories?
Halfway There by Eve Langlais
"First in a series" of course it is! Because ten billion of these exact same stories can never be enough. "After her husband leaves her, fortysomething Naomi moves into her late grandmother’s cottage" How many gazillions of these exact same stories have been told already? Barf squared.
One S’more Summer by Beth Merlin
"After she loses her job and her lifelong crush gets engaged," Nothing new here. This exact same plot has only been done, what? A million times before? Or is it a billion now? "Gigi Goldstein" Oh right! yeah! 'cos that's not like a sore thumb name right there. "...takes a counselor position at her old sleepaway camp. But an irritatingly handsome coworker" Stop right there. Since when is handsomeness and beauty irritating or infurating? Can you not think up something new and original to say, book description writer? Jesus fucking Christ, get a clue before you coagulate, dry to dust, and blow away.
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