The story is that "When caterer Goldy Schulz investigates a murder at the local library, can she prove a dead woman is responsible for the crime?" And my question is: why the fuck is a murder being investigated by a caterer? Does she plan on dishing out justice? I think this story would be immeasurably better if the title was "What's cooking, Goldie?"
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
The Pool Boy by Nikki Sloane
"After a messy divorce, Erika decides to take a day to relax by the pool - and is caught sunbathing naked by her pool boy! A USA Today bestselling author serves up a red-hot story of forbidden passion." How is this forbidden exactly? On second thought, who gives a fuck?
Where Are You by Sally Bryan
"Erin and Gia have a passion for the ages - until Gia disappears without a trace. When the memory of her lost lover comes back to haunt her 10 years later, Erin's feelings ignite all over again." She sounds like a psycho.
The Château of Happily Ever Afters by Jaimie Admans
"When her elderly neighbor, Eulalie, passes away," Eulalie, really? She named after a musical instrument or something? "Wendy is shocked to learn she’s inherited Eulalie’s French château." I'll bet. "But there’s a catch" No, really? "She has to share the castle with Eulalie’s irritating nephew, Julian!" Of course she must because it's the dumbest idea ever, so why not? Rather than turn it down, she lets herself be forced into compliance. Another tamed and obedient female character created by another unimaginative female author whose cookie-cutter writing copies every other novel where the MC falls for an irritating guy. "Can the unlikely housemates overcome their differences?" Oh for fuck's sake. Seriously? Why not just title the novel dumpster fire and be doen with it? "A laugh-out-loud read." I doubt it.
Cutthroat Cupcakes by Cate Lawley
I recently read and enjoyed Vegan Vamp by this author, although I would not want to read a series about it. Unfortunately, this book blurb makes this story seem thoroughly dumb. "When a cursed cupcake is used to kill, candy shop owner Lina is accused of being a witch and deemed the prime suspect. Now she’ll have to face her magical prowess and ensure the real killer gets their just desserts" Yeah. The witch cursed the cakes! And the warlock who works the case is a distraction! And this is the start of a series called the 'Cursed Candy Mysteries' - seriously? What, she's going to accidentally curse something in every volume which ends up with someone dying and there's a series? Because god forbid we should ever have anymore stand-alone novels. What a nightmare that would be. Barf.
Select by Marit Weisenberg
After Julia jeopardizes the future of her secret community of wealthy superhumans, she’s forced to attend public high school as punishment." Public high school is a punishment? What the fuck? Is that what this snotty author thinks of public schools? of course she meets "enigmatic John" and "everything changes…" except for the fact that this is yet another stupid, unimaginative YA piece of garbage. No wonder Kirkus thought it was "A spellbinding Romeo and Juliet retelling with “a mighty twist at the end to look forward to.” That, right there, is enough to make me avoid this one. And of course if there's one more thing we need in this world it's yet another stupid-ass retelling of Dumb-ass Romeo meets idiotic Juliette in which the couple live.
Mr Big by Nana Malone
"Many different women know Zach as Mr Big, but to Emma, he’s her older brother’s best friend." Where the fuck did that dumbass rule come from? That your best friend can't date your sister? It's in all these uninventive cookie-cutter novels, but it doesn't exist in the real world. And Mr Big, really? Why not have the author's name be Banana Malone and your main character named Ivor Hugedick? Barf.
Three Stupid Weddings by Ann Gallagher
The inevitably "Recovering from a breakup," guy, who is ironically named Victor, "isn't ready for romance, which - given his matchmaking family and the three upcoming weddings he has to attend - is terrible! Good thing he has his best friend, Dom, to play pretend boyfriend. But there's one complication: There's nothing pretend about Dom's true feelings for Victor." Dom and Victor? Really? This this a gay romance of a BDSM story - or is it both? I'll pass.
Bite Me by Christopher Moore
"Abby Normal" (really?) "and her undead friends must save San Francisco from a monstrous vampyre cat in this 'wildly funny' New York Times bestseller (Charlaine Harris)" If this is Charlaine Harris's idea of wildly funny, then it's good enough for me - to avoid it like the plague. In this case we need less of Moore. Roger that.
The Dog Share by Fiona Gibson
"When empty nester Suzy" That's how your main charcter is viewed? In a negative light like that? Who wants to read about a character the book blurb writer evidently hates or at least disrepsects? Anyway, "when Suzy befriends a terrier named Scout on the Scottish island she calls home, her life takes a turn for the better. But can Scout lead her to newfound romance?" No. The dog will lead her to a life of misery and suicidal impulses as the rabid dog slaughters everyone on the island. Yes of course she's going to find romance. What kind of a dumb-ass question is that - and what does it say about what an author and/or publisher think of their readers that they persistently ask brain-dead questions like that? And why do most all of these stupid descriptions start with 'when'??! Plus, how the fuck does a stray dog end up on an island and why isn't Suzy trying to find the actual owner instead of romance?
Beyond by Maureen A Miller
Maureen is a Miller? I thought she was a writer! Just kidding. This book is described as "A page-turning book" - what book isn't a page turning book? I guess if it were a short story occupying one side of one page it wouldn't be, but that would be a really slim book, and you'd turn the page anyway, just trying to figure out where the rest of the book was!
Here's the unoriginal story: "The day after her high school graduation, Aimee Patterson is accidentally abducted by a group of humanoid aliens. She won't be returned to Earth for five years - but when she meets handsome warrior Zak, she must choose between her home and an unknown future" Right because a relationship with your alien abductor is perfect. This is YA at its dumbest, trashiest, worst. Aimee evidently doesn't give a shit about who she left behind or who is grieving over her disappearance. And an alien named Zak? I assume there will be some weird alien name that sounds like Zak, so that's what dumb-ass Aimee calls him as opposed to actually making an effort to learn his language. In the film version, he will also speak with an American accent! LOL!
The First Time We Met by Jo Lovett
"Izzy and Sam have never forgotten the moment they met - it was Sam's wedding day. When fate brings them together again 14 years later, can they claim the happiness they missed out on so long ago?" Is that really a serious question? It's tired trope time again, folks!
Wide Awake by KB Anne
"First in a series!" Of course it is! "When Gigi's grandmother reveals their magical lineage, Gigi is suddenly dealing with visions, a shadowy stranger, and a spell book her best friend is obsessed with" I;ll bet she wishes grammie did reveal a goddamned thing, tha tlittle shit! And I'll also bet that shadowy stranger is her bad-boy love interest. Yet another unimaginative and unoriginal take on am already worn-out trope. I much prefer my strangers well-lit - because when they're drunk they're funny as hell.
Wicked Saints by Emily A Duncan
This blurb says, "The lives of a cleric, a prince, and a mage intertwine as they seek to assassinate a king" Why? Why can't the mage do it all by his or herself using magic? Or is this yet another dumb-ass fantasy wherein magic has its arbitrary limitations? And if Emily is a Duncan why does she go by Emily? Now there's the real story! Just kidding!
Love Always, Wild by AM Johnson
AM Johnson? Really? This novel's description blithely informs us that "Wilder never forgot his college love, Jax, the man who disappeared from his life nearly a decade ago. Now a successful author, Wilder has turned his heartbreak into a literary masterpiece. But he never expected Jax to read his book and seek him out" That's funny because every single reader (of book or blurb) fully-expected exactly that. So why is Wilder (Wilder, really?) so stupid. And Jax? Honestly? This is exactly what I'd expect from an author who publishes under the name 'Johnson'. I'm looking forward to the next effort by PM Johnson. Not sure about reading PMS Johnson.
Max and the Multiverse by Zachry Wheeler
"After a strange accident, Max begins slipping between alternate universes in his sleep - with a talking cat by his side." No. Just no.
The Ninja by Eric Van Lustbader
Eric Van Lustbader is a name that's always amused me. A Douglas Bader I can respect, but a Lustbader? I dunno! But it's not the name that's at issue here, it's the dumbass book blurb as usual in a non-review. The description asks, "When a ruthless serial killer targets people close to him, can martial arts expert Nicholas Linnear use his skills to take down a powerful villain?" What's he going to do? Kick the crap out of everyone until one of them confesses? I'm not convinced a linear inquiry is going to work! What if he needs to make a leap of logic? LOL! No, let the cops handle it.
Death Overdue by Allison Brook
Time for some more non-reviews where I look at idiotic bookd escriptions fpor fun! In this novel "Clover Ridge's newest librarian joins a former librarian's ghost to investigate two murders." A two-fer! Well, that's different I guess. In a way! In other ways it's precisely the same as all other books of this nature with interfering busybodies who have no business getting involved, running around impeding and otherwise trashing a police murder investigation for their own petty and pathetic reasons. I'll guarantee that this librarian - the living one - does no library work except maybe for a token gesture at it in each volume, but it doesn't really matter because no one is going to frequent a library where the patrons are always being murdered!
Buzz, Sting, Bite by Anne Sverdrup-Thygeson
This audiobook, read delightfully by Kristin Milward, is a wonderful overview of the insect world and the importance of all of them - even the annoying ones! Anne Sverdrup-Thygeson is a professor of conservation biology at the Norwegian University of Life Sciences located about 10 miles south of Oslo. She writes well, and with a nice sense of humor which isn't lost in the English translation that I listened to.
There are nine main chapters, the title of each being self-explanatory:
- Small Creatures, Smart Design: Insect Anatomy
- Six Legged Sex: Dating, Mating, Parenting
- Eat or be Eaten: Insects in the Food Chain
- Insects and Plants: a Never-Ending Race
- Busy Flies, Flavorsome Bugs: Insects in Our Food
- The Circle of Life - And Death: Insects as Janitors
- From Silk to Shellac: Industries of Insects
- Lifesavers, Pioneers, and Nobel Prize Winners: Insights From Insects
- Insects and us; What's Next?
Here are some quotes directly from the book description - which for once in a rare while is accurate and useful: "Most of us know that we would not have honey without honeybees, but without the pinhead-sized chocolate midge, cocoa flowers would not pollinate. No cocoa, no chocolate." "Blowfly larva can clean difficult wounds; flour beetle larva can digest plastic; several species of insects have been essential to the development of antibiotics." "There are insects that have ears on their knees, eyes on their penises, and tongues under their feet." What's not to love about a book like this?! I commend it heartily.
Matias and the Cloud by Jorge Palomera
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
Argentine author Palomera has delivered a colorful, inventive, and charming wordless picture book here, about a young boy who has a fabulous birthday, and who gets down to the last of his presents and discovers that someone has sent him a cloud! Naturally he wants to play with this, and in much the same way as a kid who abandons the present and turns the box into a multipurpose toy, Matias does the same thing, but in this case actually with the present, turning the cloud into several fun toys, including a beard and bushy eyebrows, and a bed for his dog.
The cloud doesn't appear until about two-thirds the way through the story, but it's fun when it does, and Matias proves himself to be a clever kid. I can imagine an adult reading this with their own child and inventing other ways to enjoy a cloud, had we one available. I commend this as a fun and accessible story which will stimulate all imaginations.
Friday, August 6, 2021
Under Dark Skies by AJ Scudiere
Errata: "the Jeremy Kite incidence" I think the author means 'incident'. "He couldn’t figure it out." Should be ‘She couldn’t figure it out’
I am avowedly not into werewolf or vampire stories for the most part because they're far too cookie-cutter: each one is a clichéd clone of the last, especially if it's a YA story (which this blessedly is not). This particular one promised to be different and thankfully it started out quite differently, and I liked it very much, but the more I read, the less I liked it because it was so trudging and inauthentic, and although the author took a commendably different tack with the werewolf part of the story - which is something I advocate authors to do, but so rarely see - she fell down on the realism with regard to the FBI investigation over missing children.
One immediate problem with this narrative is that while it is thankfully not in first person, it is told alternatingly from the perspectives of the main two characters, which means tediously going over the same ground we already covered, but from the other protagonist's perspective. That became an irritant in short order, and led to me quickly skipping portions of the text where this happened.
One sad trope the author didn't skip I'm sorry to say, was the haunted backstory that I've seen done to death far too many times and of which I am so bored. Are there no detectives who don't have a haunted past? No PI's? No FBI agents? No CIA officers? LOL! Not in the fictional world there are not, and it is such a tired trope. FBI agent Eleri is a woman whose lost sister has haunted her for years (not literally). Donovan is a werewolf. Both work for the FBI division of Nightshade, although they may as well be regular FBI agents for all the part that 'nightshade' actually plays in this story.
Eleri is the experienced agent and she plays mentor to Donovan, who is a new recruit who was previously a medical examiner, so the pair are like Fox and Mulder from X-Files with genders reversed. Other than that, this isn't remotely like X-Files. It's simply a missing children story, so why nightshade division needed to be involved is a mystery. That said, I read only fifty percent of this before giving up on it, so I may have missed something more supernatural toward the end.
At one point they locate a dead body in a shallow grave and Eleri supposedly helps excavate the body, but I seriously doubt that an FBI field agent would be on her knees digging up a body when an expert forensic team is there. She would just get in the way and mess up stuff. I may be wrong - I'm not an FBI expert, but it just seemed off base to me. There were times reading this when it felt like the author was putting shit into the story just to show off how much research she'd done rather than getting on with the story. I don't appreciate it when authors do that. If you feel like some things need to be in there, then there are much more subtle ways of doing it than were exhibited here.
The story has it that children are going missing and it's connected to a religious cult called The Children of God, situated in a remote part of Texas, so the agents head down there and then hit such an unrealistic series of coincidences that it became too much. On top of that, there was a lethargy about raiding the cult's camp that was utterly insupportable. That's why I quit reading in the end. I guess the author did it to have a big showdown at the end, but it came off as just plain stupid.
So, first absurd coincidence is that while out reconnoitering the cult's compound as his werewolf self, by accident, Donovan encounters a kid called Joshua who has escaped the compound. He's bleeding badly from a wound apparently inflicted with the edge of a shovel, and he has a broken arm and bruises, and Donovan and Eleri take him to a hospital, but despite the kid's descriptions of the brutal life there, do they raid the place? No! They don't consider this enough evidence to do that! Instead they're more concerned about finding a good place to sleep the night.
Second, and again purely by accident, they find a girl also from the camp, and who tells the same kind of stories about it that Joshua has told them. This girl is identified as one of the missing girls, and her story corroborates everything Joshua has already told them. She has also been badly treated. Do they raid the place? No! They don't consider this enough evidence to do that! Instead they're more concerned about finding a good place to eat.
Next, and again purely by coincidence, they encounter a truck driver who has picked up one or two kids from the camp and helped them out. He corroborates a story about a girl from the camp who sought medical help at a hospital, and later was killed in the camp, according to Joshua. Do they raid the place? Hell no! They don't consider this enough evidence to do that! Instead they're more concerned about the endless Texas heat. I'm sorry, but this is bullshit and piss-poor writing. This is thoroughly unrealistic and just stupid. It really turned me off the story and that's when I quit reading. It was too much.
I liked that Eleri's power was that she would dream true things and this helped the investigation, but there were still issues with this: in that she wasn't much more aggressive in finding her missing sister who she dreamed of often. There was a poor excuse made for why she didn't, but given that this supposedly haunted her for years, it made no sense that she hadn't pursued it when younger. I think that the young Eleri's quest to rescue her sister would have made a better story than this one turned out to be.
The werewolf part of the story I liked for the most part, but there were problems even with that. For example when he's investigating the compound, the author has Donovan's wolf sprint at over 30 mph for an hour, which isn't possible. Wolves can reach some 30 mph, but only in short bursts, and from the pseudo-scientific descriptions that are given, Donovan's change from human to wolf is a physical thing involving readjustment of his bones, which makes it seem like, rather than become a wolf, he's really a worst of both worlds wolf-human hybrid, and therefore he'd be hampered by his change, not enhanced by it. And no explanation is given for why two species as disparate as a dog and a human, would even remotely have a hybrid.
It's supposed to be through mutations, but given that canines and humans have not shared a common ancestor for well over forty million years, there's nothing to support even a fictional attempt to pretend there's any science involved in the hybrid. Plus, if two organisms can mate and successfully produce viable offpring, they're the same species, so this hybrid idea is nonsensical unless you keep it purely in the supernatural realm. You can't turn pure fiction into science. The idiot creationists learned that a good while back.
At one point the author has Donovan say, of his enhanced sense of smell, "I have a larger nasal cavity inside my head than most straight-up humans." He's trying to suggest this is why his sense of smell works so much better than most, but that's not actually how it works - not all of it. Dogs have a unique organ in the base of the nose called Jacobson's organ, for example, that humans do not have - or anything like it. They also have maybe as many as 300 million olfactory receptors in their nose whereas humans have some six million, so yes, having a large area for detecting smells is important, but it would be larger than any human has, and it's no good unless you have the brainpower to process that information.
Dogs devote 40 times more brainpower to processing smells than do humans. All of this ultimately goes back to your genetic complement. The olfactory receptor part of the vertebrate genome is the largest genome superfamily, signifying how important it is to us, and whereas humans have around 900 'smelling genes', rodents have almost twice that many. We have a lot that are broken and useless because they were no longer critical to our survival, so there was no evolutionary benefit to maintaining them, whereas dogs have a stunningly impressive ability to smell tiny concentrations of odor, so there's no doubt they have more functional genes in this department than we do. None of this is even mentioned in Donovan's 'explanation'. I felt more could have been done, or else the author needs to abandon any attempt to pretend there's any sort of rational scientific basis behind Donovan being a werewolf and just leave it in the supernatural.
As it was, I could have let those things slide, but the trudging and lethargic pace of the investigation, which led to me skipping parts of the narrative just to get past those bits, together with the absurd coincidences and lucky breaks, the obsession with inner monologues, with the Texas heat, and with dining and sleeping arrangements, and the complete lack of anyone's interest in raiding a cultist camp that was clearly abducting and abusing children and women was so ridiculous that I couldn't stand to read any more of this. I'm done with this series and with this author.