The First Rule by Robert Crais

Rating: WARTY!

"Hungry for the truth behind the brutal execution of an old friend, PI Joe Pike...." Stop right there. Wasn't Pike the first name of another character in a different non-review? What is it with naming these dudes after fish? Shouldn't the title be The Fish Rule? Joe Pike? Honestly? No thanks. That naming tells me right there everything I need to know about this novel and none of it's good.

Recalled to Life by Reginald Hill

Rating: WARTY!

"When new evidence revives a notorious murder case, can Yorkshire detectives Dalziel and Pascoe untangle the truth behind a 30-year-old unsolved mystery?" Who gives a shit? Really? This tired trope has been resurrected too often.

Overture by Skye Warren

Rating: WARTY!

Skye Warren, really? "First in a series" of course it is! "Samantha and her guardian, Liam, share an aching desire for each other - and they're finding it harder and harder to resist the passion that burns between them" Then he needs to resign and let someone else take over so he can be with her, otherwise it's an unforgivable breach of protocol and an appalling abuse of a position of power. Another clueless author.

Edge of Light by Jay Antani

Rating: WARTY!

"First in a series" Of course it is! What novel isn't these days?! "After a meteor explodes in 2030, Dev and his friends race to find a secret hidden by his missing scientist father. But drones, a federal agent," Drones is the name of the Federal agent? LOL! and terrifying creatures are on their trail." Could this be any more obscure as to what this novel is about? Could it be any more inscrutable? I don't think so! The author needs more than an edge of light thrown on this. But I'll pass.

Mangos & Mistletoe by Adriana Herrera

Rating: WARTY!

"Arriving in Scotland," Yawn. How many times has this been done before? "...brooding pastry chef Kiskeya" Yawn. "... is determined to win the Holiday Baking Challenge, a reality TV competition!" Yawn and barf. Christmas in Summer? And why is it always Scotland or Ireland? Or England of France if it's a murder mystery. Why is it never Wales? "Original" is still a word in the dictionary, right? You can find it if you look for it, right? Sometimes I really wonder, because it seems to me that while these authors do have a thesaurus for looking up new euphemisms for female sexual organs and related body parts, they never ever, ever look in a dictionary at all. Go figure.

Match Made in Manhattan by Amanda Stauffer/Beechwood Harbor Magic Mysteries by Danielle Garrett

Rating: WARTY!

Here's another two-fer: Match Made in Manhattan by Amanda Stauffer

Rip-off movie titles much? "After two failed relationships, Alison dives into the world of online dating. Serial socializing leads to hilarious mishaps and wild personalities" Yawn. Pass. Next please.

AND Beechwood Harbor Magic Mysteries by Danielle Garrett

"Banished from the magical world, misfit witch Holly lands in a house with squabbling shifter and vampire roommates." How is this functionally any different from the story above? Seriously? How is it any different from the TV series? Clone clone clone all the way with some authors.

Murder in the Manor by Fiona Grace

Rating: WARTY!

"Looking for a fresh start, New Yorker Lacey moves to a quiet seaside town in England and opens an antiques shop." Why? How did she get a residency and a business permit? God forbid the story should be just about English characters. You can't do that it's illegal. You have to have at least one American character in your novel or it's worthless. "But when a customer is found dead, does she have what it takes to clear her name?" Because under English law you're not innocent until proven guilty, you're guilty as sin and must prove your own innocence. The cops and the courts are all out to get you. This is not about antiques, it's all garbage and trash without an original bone in its body.

The Iceman by PT Deutermann

Rating: WARTY!

"Aboard a cutting-edge submarine, iron-willed lieutenant commander Malachi Stormes uses unconventional tactics to brutal effect" Malachi Stormes? Are you fucking kidding me? Sink this one in the deepest, darkest depths.

The Voyeur Series by Ellis O Day

Rating: WARTY!

"When Patrick sees curvy Annie at La Petite Mort Club..." La petite mort is French slang for an orgasm. The gender of the words seems messed up because 'mort' is rendered as a feminine word when used in this context. It's very cofnusing! The blurb continues, "he knows she's the one for him. But then he discovers she's his best friend's little sister, making his attraction totally forbidden." Forbidden why? Doesn't the girl have any say in it? Is there any author out there, any at all, who can get away from this ridiculous cliché of a lie? O Day, can you see? Apparently not. I award it a rating of 4C: Cookie-Cutter Clichéd Clone.

Dancing by the Moonlight by Angie Ellington

Rating: WARTY!

The very title is enough tvoid this one. "After an injury sidelines her dance career, Olivia Shields returns to Carlisle Bay to run her aunt's seaside boutique - and is reunited with her high school crush, Brady Carlisle. Will they be able to rekindle the spark they had long ago for a second chance at love?" Was it ever in question? Unoriginal, clichéd, cookie-cutter clone tripe.

My Lovely Wife by Samantha Downing

Rating: WARTY!

"Millicent and her husband may look like your average couple - but the two are hiding a dark, shocking secret" What? That their carving knife has a dishwasher stain on it? The secret may be dark but I seriously doubt it's shocking. Clichéd is more likely. His wife is really his daughter? It's been done. Yawn.

Starbuck: Nantucket Redemption by Garth Jeffries

Rating: WARTY!

"When a riptide transports him back in time to the 19th century, wealthy businessman Peter finds himself working on a whaleship - and embarking on the adventure of a lifetime! Can he survive the danger of the high seas. and figure out how to get back home?" If slaughtering whales is his redemption I don't even want to know this jerk. Pick a better topic. Please. And the title? At least make the sotry fit. Why not have the Battlestar pilot find ehrself transported back to 1971 Seattle as this new coffee start-up begins to take off? That idea's better than the one you got, pal.

The First Rule of Ten by Gay Hendricks, Tinker Lindsay/Coming of Winter by Tom Threadgill

Rating: WARTY! A two-fer: The First Rule of Ten by Gay Hendricks and Tinker Lindsay

"With a background as a Tibetan monk, cop-turned-private investigator Ten uses his unique skill set to solve the murder of an acquaintance in the first installment of this one-of-a-kind mystery series!" Barf. One of a kind my ass. This is one of those too cute to be non-nauseating series where every title is a play on the main character's name. Gag me with a mantra. And it took two people to write it? I think Tinker should marry Scott Bell and take his name....

And: Coming of Winter by Tom Threadgill

"FBI agent Jeremy Winter believes a hiker's disappearance is the work of a serial killer, but his superiors disagree. Should he risk pursuing the case?" Why ask? Another cliché of a series with titles all corny word plays on the main character's asinine name. These two novels are made for each other. Yawn.

Working Stiffs by Scott Bell

Rating: WARTY!

"In 2050, the government uses scientifically reanimated corpses to fill menial jobs." Seriously? Robots don't function anymore? Dumb-assery is rife here. Doesn't ring true, Scott! Barf.

The Royal Companion by Tanya Bird

Rating: WARTY!

"When Aldara is forced to become the royal companion of reluctant Prince Tyron, they develop an unexpected connection that becomes something more" Barf. Just barf. Done a thousand times before. Give this one the Bird. And 'Aldara'? Really? And 'Tyron'?

Death Dealers by Mason Sabre and Rachel Morton

"Harper Matthews carefully suppresses her magic - but bounty hunter Ethan Stone knows what will happen if she refuses to accept her destiny as a Death Dealer" Another trope, unoriginal, uninventive pile of clichés about a woman who needs a man to validate her. That it takes two people to write this when it's nothing but a cookie-cutter clone of all the other urban fantasy stories is the real crime here. Harper, and Ethan Stone? Barf. I guess his name does match the super hard-bitten title that could cut a diamond, but it's exactly the sort of title that turns me off. And is "Mason Sabre" really the author's name? Seriously?

Murder in Nice by Susan Kiernan-Lewis

Rating: WARTY!

"When an old friend is murdered on the French Riviera, Maggie must abandon her quiet village life to track down the killer." Why? Are the French police thoroughly incompetent? Another meddling civilian gets in the way. Barf.

Hell Divers by Nicholas Sansbury Smith

Rating: WARTY!

"Humanity’s survivors inhabit decrepit ships orbiting the planet. Hell Divers collect life-saving equipment from the surface - but at a terrible risk." Yet another dumb-ass space opera where robots and AI were never inveted. Yawn.

Go the Distance by Jen Calonita

Rating: WARTY!

"After Hercules regains his godship, mortal Meg must embark on a mysterious quest to earn her spot on Mt Olympus alongside him" Um, Herakles, not Hercules, never was a god, numbnuts. Why not actually take the time to learn the mythology before you rip it off? Barf.

My Fairy Godmother Is a Drag Queen by David Clawson

Rating: WARTY!

"When Chris falls for his stepsister’s new boyfriend, he’ll need the help of the fiercest fairy godmother ever known!" Another YA clone in first person voice. barf. Another Cinderella retelling. Double-half-decaf-barf with a twist. No wonder Monty Python's Flying Kirkus thought this was "a fast-paced, riotous, laugh-out-loud yet insightful story of secret love" That's enough on its own to make me avoid this.

Anne of Manhattan by Brina Starler / Scooper and Dumper by Lindsay Ward

Rating: WARTY!

"Anne’s ready for a fresh start and grad school in Manhattan is the perfect opportunity — until her rival and secret crush, Gilbert, walks into the classroom." Barf. In short, this has nothing whatsoever to do with Anne of Green Gables and is instead another cookie-cutter cloned YA story. Yawn.

AND

In the same rip-off vein: Scooper and Dumper by Lindsay Ward

"When a snowstorm comes to the big city, front loader Scooper and snowplow Dumper brave the harsh weather to clear the roads and keep everyone safe!" This is nothing if not a direct rip-off of the 'Bob the Builder' TV show. Yawn.

Double Agent by Gretchen Archer

Rating: WARTY!

The fact that Janet Evanovich idiotically said this novel "Rocked me like a hurricane" tells me everything I need to know about her as an author. "When murder and grand theft come to the Bellissimo Resort and Casino, undercover agent Davis must find the culprit - all while a massive storm approaches." And the storm is relevant how? This just sounds stupid and unimaginative from the off. Just like Evanovich's comment.

Raising Backyard Chickens by Emma Nora

Rating: WORTHY!

From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.

I'm no more planning on raising chickens in my yard than I was pigs, but just as with that book, I read this one out of curiosity, and I was not disappointed. It's a fun book, full of useful and even unexpected information for anyone planning on producing their own eggs. Of course, you will need a chicken for that; God knows I've tried without one and I've never got it to work!

Don't be put off by the cartoon cover: this is a serious book and contains lots of useful information, along with tips and nested hints, and you won't have to shell out a lot to buy it..... Unfortunately it seems to be available only on Amazon, a corporation I refuse to have anything to do with for a variety of reasons, so I guess the yolk's on me as they say.

The chapters are as follows:

1. The Basics of Raising Backyard Chickens
2. The Science of Raising Chickens
3. Training Your Chickens
4. All About Eggs
5. Special mention - Chicks!
6. Learning to Source the Best Eggs
7. Maintaining the Pecking Order
8. Grooming

It oughtn't to be necessary to remind readers that chickens are living and sensitive animals which will require frequent attention along with attendant watering, feeding, and cleaning. They require safe and comfortable housing and close observation for potential health issues. It is not a part time job or to be approached with an amateurish state of mind. It's essential anyone planning on engaging in this pursuit should read a good book on the topic, and preferably more than one, and be prepared to put in the hard work. If you don't, you will have egg on your face....

There are issues you may not have considered if you've been idly thinking about getting a few chickens for the back yard: such as considering local bye-laws and your neighbors, and there are concerns that even were you cocksure about this, you may not have had these make it through the chicken mesh of your mind, such as bullying among chickens, as well as potential problems introducing new birds to an established flock, and so on. If you plan on selling the eggs, or you plan on exhibiting your chickens, there are tips to help you make those plans fly, too. It even teaches you how to pick up chicks - although that might not be exactly what you had in mind....

I personally have no experience raising chickens, so I can give only my opinion, but I'm no dumb cluck, and it seemed to me that this book was competent, serious, appropriate and a great place to start. It felt like it would get a person well on the right path to having success with this project and so I commend it as a worthy read.

Elves on the Fifth Floor by Francesca Cavallo, Verena Wugeditsch

Rating: WORTHY!

From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.

It's a little early for a Christmas story, but I liked everything about this short picture novel from the intriguing title to the entertaining and cute tale, to the playful text by Cavallo, and the charming illustrations by Wugeditsch. It was original, quirky in a good way, and amusing. The only problem with the ebook was that Amazon did its usual job of mangling of the format in the Kindle edition - turning it into the kindling it's well known for in my experience. This is one of many reasons why I will have nothing to do with Amazon. For example, the page numbers appeared in the midst of the story including on one amusing occasion where I read the following:

The young man had pulled out his cell phone and was dialing a number.
74
Who...

It made it look like the number he was dialing was 74! The Net Galley viewer presented it much better and was beautifully laid out, but it was in double page format that doesn't work on my phone, which is where I typically read my books. I don't know if this is going to be available in a Kindle edition, but if it is, I recommend strongly against buying that version. The lines were chopped unequally, so some parts of the text would cover the left half of the screen whereas other lines would go the full width of the screen. Drop caps do not work and were messed up. Pictures and text were poorly adjoined. The formatting was, as usual in Kindle when it's anything other than plain vanilla text, messed up to put it politely.

I couldn't read the Net Galley version on my iPad since Net Galley snottily refuses to make its app compatible with older devices, but I was able to try it on Blue Fire Reader and in Adobe Digital Editions, and it was perfectly fine in both of those. So there, Net Galley! Take that! LOL!

The story was wonderful. It was a family of two parents and three kids, who were moving to a new town because of the resentment about their family and marital choices in the place they used to live (which I'd hazard a guess was Texas, especially the way things are going down here lately). They have a small apartment on the fifth floor and make the most of it. One parent, Isabella heads out the next day to begin her new job as a mail carrier at the town's post office. The other, Dominique, stays home with the kids.

When the kids write a letter to Santa about changing plans for a Christmas present, they wonder if it will get there in time, so they're surprised to get a speedy reply in the form of a magical letter from Santa himself! It enquires if it might be possible for some elves work from their home on Christmas Eve, in order to make sure all the presents get distributed in time. Naturally they accept, and this is how elves come to be on the fifth floor, but in a place like this where adults are not known to be overly friendly, the arrival of new people, and the activities on the fifth floor become problematical!

However it all works out in the end. That's not a spoiler! You knew it would! I liked this for its off-kilter take on the world, and for its enthusiastic story-telling and I commend it fully as a worthy read.

The Cutting Edge by Jeffery Deaver

Rating: WARTY!

"In this pulse-pounding New York Times bestseller, detective Lincoln Rhyme" Stop right there! No! Just no!