James Patterson sucks as an author. Here's another reason why: "In postapocalyptic New York City, 17-year-old Hawk survives alone - but does she share a destiny with Maximum Ride, the winged hero who disappeared 10 years ago?" Maximum Ride? Why not just call him Vaginal Orgasm-Guaranteed? At its core, this novel is exactly the same as the "Fire in Ice" I just got through discussing.
Monday, September 20, 2021
Fire in Ice by Jennifer DiGiovanni
Any novel with a title of this nature is almost guaranteed to be unadulterated crap. "After recovering from a rare illness, Cara discovers she has the unusual ability to generate energy. Alex shares the same gift — and when they cross paths, he must teach her" Of course he must because women are useless in these books, especially when written by female YA authors. They always need a guy to rescue and then validate them, and to especially treat them like a child. Barf
The Last Vampire by Kathryn Meyer Griffith
I wish it were the last vampire. "In a world" OMG, it's an "In a World" story.... "where the human race is spiraling toward extinction and vampires are starting to follow suit, Emma Bloodworth" Stop right there. Emma Bloodworth? Seriously? Fuck this shit. Vampires suck and have been done to death.
Finding Fraser by KC Dyer
"obsessed Outlander fan Emma flies to Scotland in search of a real-life Highland hero." That should tell you all you need to know to avoid this shit like the plague, right there. I take that back; it's not shit - it's diarrhea. Any novel with a title of that format is highly suspect. Yawn.
Meditations in Green by Stephen Wright
A title like this is an automatic no to me. And I don't think it's written by the comedian Stephen Wright - in which case it might have been worth a read. "After returning from his deployment in Vietnam, US soldier James Griffin seeks solace as he struggles to adjust to civilian life." Who cares, really? That war ended half a century ago, yet we're still obsessed with it? Let's be obsessed, if we must, with internalizing the lesson from it, because clearly we haven't done that yet given the failure of four consecutive presidents over Afghanistan, and with taking care of returning vets. Other than that, let it go for fuck's sake.
The Haunting of Briarwych Church by Amy Cross
"In the midst of World War II, Father Lionel Loveford is tasked with reopening an abandoned church with a tragic history." Why? In the 'midst' or a world war, this is all he can find to do? "But there’s a malevolent presence lurking in the shadows — and it is desperate to exact revenge on the entire village" Exact revenge is nothing. It's the imprecise revenge that scares me! Seriously - this is going to be one of those stories where for reasons inexplicable, the malevolent spirit is supremely subtle to begin with and then slowly ramps up the revenge instead of going full metal hack it on them from the off. Why? No one ever explains that. And why isn't the malevolence already "exacting" revenge? Why does it have to wait until the church is reopened? And where is Father Lovelace's god? Why is this god so useless in cases of malevolent spirits? Why is it that humans have to be the ones to fix it? Not much of a god really, is it?
See You in the Cosmos by Jack Cheng
Slap a Newberry on this one. Yawn. Kirkus calls it "riveting" because they evidently don't know what that means outside of the sheet metal construction business. The story is that "Alex loves everything about the cosmos — especially Carl Sagan, his dog named after the astronomer. But a trip away from home makes Alex realize that Earth (and his family on it) are way more special than he thought." Absolutely. It turns out that his dog is actually the reincarnation of Carl Sagan, being punished for his evil atheistic ways, but he comes up with a new theory that finally explains Stephen Hawking, and the cosmos suddenly makes sense! Jennifer Niven raves: "I haven’t read anything that has moved me this much since Wonder." Who the fuck is Jennifer Niven and why should I care what she thinks?
New Girl in Little Cove by Damhnait Monaghan
"Arriving in Little Cove as the village’s new French teacher, mainlander Rachel is a fish out of water. Can she learn to love her new community?" Nope! My prediction is that she goes psycho on their quirky asses, gunning them all down mercilessly before rampaging gloriously across Ireland - or wherever this is set - and then the globe, wiping out humanity until she's all that's left - she and her little friend, who now no one can meet....
This Body of Death by Elizabeth George
"After his wife’s murder, inspector Thomas Lynley stepped away from Scotland Yard… but a disturbing crime deep in a secluded cemetery requires his return." And yet again with the 'coming out of retirement' meme. How many scores of times has this been done? I read and negatively reviewed a novel by this author in 2016 and evidently she's shown no sign of improvement in five years. Yawn.
After Anna by Alex Lake
Performed by an Earphones Award–winning narrator: A week after Julia’s five-year-old daughter vanishes without a trace, she returns home, seemingly unharmed - but has no memory of what happened or where she’s been." How many times has this same plot been warmed over now? Yawn.
His Wife's Sister by AJ Wills
A chilling thriller read by dual narrators!" Barf. "After disappearing 19 years earlier, Damian’s sister-in-law Mara is found in the woods - alone, starving, and telling a harrowing tale of an underground cell and a miraculous escape." Automatic no to any novel where the title renders t he female as an appendage of someone else - evne when she's the "wife's sister." Doesntl she have a name? And isn't this the exact plot of the 1997 movie Kiss the Girls? Yawn.
Reawakened by Colleen Houck
While visiting a museum, 17-year-old Lily meets a handsome stranger - who turns out to be an ancient Egyptian prince!" Of course he does because Cleo forbid we should actually have a story about a 17 year old woman who doesn't need validation from a man. I'll bet the prince speak perfect English with an American idiom too. Barf.
Sunday, September 19, 2021
Extra Dirty by Mia Gold
"Former MMA fighter Ruby Steele" Stop right there! Another main character in a 'tough guy' novel, who is unoriginally named Steele? While I do approve of the seven latter author name (!), I have to rate this one a barf. And a Yawn.
Straits of Power by Joe Buff
"In the midst of war, Commander Jeffrey Fuller must navigate his cutting-edge submarine to reach a German informant. Wait, the German informant is hiding in his submarine? How hard can it be to find him? "But when he suspects the man of being a double agent, the fate of his mission — and the globe — hang in the balance." Yeah right. Yawn. Another obsessed story about World War Two. When are we going to remember never to forget, but move the fuck on from these tired old, repetitive stories?
Mercy River by Glen Erik Hamilton
The title alone is warning enough to avoid this novel. Any novel with 'river' in the title is a losing proposition, period, and especially so when coupled with a term like 'mercy'!
Fallen by Lexxi James
Isn't that first name of the author missing an X? "After tragedy struck, Kathryn was there for former soldier Jake. He’s been secretly watching over her ever since." Great - a stalker novel where the weak woman falls in love with the strong savior guy - but wait, if he's to be the dominant BDSM partner, why was he so subjugated that he let her take care of him? Barf.
Boop and Eve’s Road Trip by Mary Helen Sheriff
“Warm, witty, and wise” (National Book Award–winning author Han Nolan) - whom I've never heard of so why would I take that as a recommendation? if they're an award-winning writer that's actually a disrecommendation to me! "When struggling Eve sets out on a journey to find her missing best friend, her grandmother, Boop, decides to tag along" Finally a story about what happened to Betty Boop after she left showbiz. But Boop? Seriously? Barf.
Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman
"From a #1 New York Times bestselling author comes an anthology that is both enthralling and unsettling. 'Exciting, often musical writing' (The Boston Globe), with over 17,000 five-star ratings on Goodreads." That was perfect. A book blurb that doesn't tell you shit about what's actually in the book other than that it's a collection of short stories. Great. I'm sure going to rush out and buy that one! Seriously? I don't have a great relationship with Neil Gaiman. I haven't liked a lot of what I've read of his, but he did once write a kick-ass Doctor Who episode. Definite mega-warty on the book blurb though!
Horses of the Sun by Leanne Owens
"In the remote Australian outback," isn't all outback remote by definition? That's why it's called outback, isn't it? "...siblings Dane, Lani, and Matthew pursue their goal of becoming champion horseback riders." If they were going to be horse front riders I'd find it a compelling read, but otherwise, it's just another bunch of horses asses. I do wonder, though, do these horses of the sun like to eat golden apples of the sun?
Only the Pretty Lies by Rebekah Crane
"High school senior Amoris" Stop right there. Amoris? Really? WTF?! "...when her old crush, Jamison, moves in next door, Amoris is forced to confront the community’s dark side…" This is "a YA novel with love and substance." Sorry but that's a contradiction in terms. YA novels are almost universally insubstantial shit conflating infatuation with love, and there's every reason to believe a novel with a female character named Amoris is going to be exactly the same as all the other dumb-ass cookie-cutter clone YA novels that have gone before it into blessed oblivion. Yawn.
Darker Ages The Complete Series by Aron Lewes
If you can publish "the complete series" as one book, why is it a series in the first place? "Alice, a girl with quadriplegia, lives out an alternate existence in a virtual world, where she’s known as Princess Arienne. There, she finds herself betrothed to an infuriating prince, abducted by a devilishly charming pirate, and more." More what? More YA love triangle garbage whereby a girl is useless unless she has a guy to rescue her? Way to diss a quadriplegic woman. Barf.
Beginner’s Luck by Kate Clayborn
Clay born? Doesn't that make this author wonder Woman?! "When risk-averse scientist Kit wins the lottery, her only plan is to buy a fixer-upper. But she’s about to deal with unexpected changes — and may lose her heart in the process." Despite the loss of that heart, her body continues to function. She's not called 'First Aid Kit" for nothing. As a zombie, she's able to go on to live a full life, proving that it really does just take brains. Barf.
Henrietta Who? by Catherine Aird
"After Henrietta’s mother is found dead on the road in a sleepy English village, an autopsy delivers shocking news: Mrs Jenkins never had children — and her death may not have been an accident… Can Inspector CD Sloan crack the case?" My guess is no, because he's a necrophiliac who becomes so obsessed with Herietta's mother's corpse that he can't focus on his work anymore, but the two do live happily every after once her body has been been stuffed properly.... Seriously what kind of a dumbass question is that? Does the book blurb writer really think readers are so irremediably stupid?
Cut and Run by Matt Hilton
"In this high-octane read, former special forces operative Joe Hunter," the Special forces operative is called Hunter? Really? Yawn. Yet another in a tediously long line of "I wanted out, but they keep pulling me back in" stories. These have been done to death and they're as boring as watching shit dry.
Daughters of the Moon by Susan Sallis
A title like this is a definite warning sign although I woulsn't automatically write off a novel for a title like this one. "Born in Plymouth during World War II, identical twins Miranda and Meg grow up inseparable - but when Meg moves to Cornwall, they're drawn down different paths... Can they find their way back to each other, or has their bond been broken for good?" And who gives a shit, really?
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