"After losing everything she holds dear," all that she has left is cheap shots. "Audrey Nealon takes a job going through a cluttered home in hopes of finding a valuable historical artifact. Instead, she uncovers a series of explosive secrets that" blow up in her face, killing her. From the afterlife, she sees that a nearby radiator has gone nuclear, causing a chain reaction that destroys the entire planet. Boy is she glad she's not on Earth anymore! That's the spirit! Yawn. WTF is it with authors and explosive secrets?
Friday, September 24, 2021
Small Vices by Robert B Parker
"Private eye Spenser is hired to clear the name of a man accused of murdering a wealthy young woman enrolled at a ritzy college. Can Spenser stay alive long enough to uncover the truth?" Nope. While camping it up on campus, an unfortunate sexual experiment results in his carotid artery becoming trapped in a small vice suffocating him; hence the novel's title. And if Robert be Parker, then who the hell is Spenser?
The Family Gathering by Robyn Carr
"In the close-knit town of Sullivan's Crossing," Wait, I'm confused! Is this a cosy mystery about a bunch of knitting club "sleuths"? Never mind! "...four siblings gather for a family wedding - and find their bonds tested as" the Sullivans cross each other repeatedly, angering everyone until the entire town becomes embroiled in an almighty gun-battle leaving the whole population dead. Now that would be a cosy mystery! As for this? Meh.
Thursday, September 23, 2021
Bounty Hunter by Olivia Voorhees
This was Black Annis Origins, number 3, and was coincidentally the third of these that I've read. They're all really short stories, but I did not read them in any kind of order, and I'll read no more now, because they have been universally warty and have actually put me off reading the next novel in the series.
I liked the Black Annis story, but these prequels were a literal waste of my time. This one was particularly obnoxious because the bounty hunter was a thoroughly unlikeable self-centered jerk. The following quote should tell you all you need to know about her. To put it in context, the BH has a shootout with her quarry, and ends up decapitating the guy, taking his head with her in her car as proof of death, but the head contains a bomb. Rather than simply throw it out the car, this fucking moron ejects using a James Bond style ejector seat. She had a parachute in a wrist band (seriously?) so she comes to no harm, but here's what she says: “I shed a tiny tear as the Camaro burst into flames and crashed into oncoming traffic" In other words she doesn’t give a fuck about what happens to anyone else as long as she's safe. That's where I quit reading this.
The Summer Retreat by Sheila Roberts
"Reeling from a breakup, Celeste" catches this huge fish. 'It's all in the wrist action', she declares as she scales new heights. Oh, wait, no! She "...retreats to her sister’s beachside inn — where the quirky denizens of Moonlight Harbor" Stop right there. How many hundreds of times has this exact story been written already? Weak woman running home like a child, 'quirky' people? She inevitably finds the love of her life? This is pretty much exactly the same story this author already wrote in "Beachside Beginnings" which I also gave a non-review. Barf squared.
Maybe: The Complete Series by Ella Miles
"An explosive complete trilogy from a USA Today bestselling author" Explosive diarrhea more like, because goddess forbid an author should write a standalone when they can milk one story over three volumes! Barf. "To inherit her family fortune, Kinsley must agree to certain terms — including marrying a domineering stranger, Killian. But after their first meeting in Las Vegas, passion erupts!" Of course it does, because hell no to having a strong female character in a female-authored romance novel! Hell-to-the-no that we should have a story about a woman who rejects this offer and makes it on her own, which would be a far more engrossing story than this tedious, drawn-out, repetitive shit ever will be! Maybe the complete series. Maybe not! Who knows? Who cares, really? Hella miles on this tired old story.
Midnight by Melanie Gilbert
Bone-headedly brain-dead: "First in a series" Of course it is, because why fart out only one crappy novel if you can dump a shit-ton of diarrhea? "When Nova" Nova? Seriously? Nova? Why not just call her Special Snowflake? "stumbles into a war between a witch coven and a Fae clan," Another author too chickenshit to call 'em fairies. "...can her own Prince Charming help her survive" Another weak woman needing a man to validate her. Barf to the max.
Just One Year by Gayle Forman
"illem is determined to find Lulu," Yeah I know his name's Willem, but I like my version better. It's more accurate. "...the girl he connected with briefly in Paris." and was such a fucking asshole that he didn't try to stay with her then? Kiss his loser ass off! "But what does fate have in store for them?" Is that a serious question? It's a fucking romance! Oh look an unoriginal quote: "An alluring story that pushes beyond the realm of star-crossed romance" Star-crossed the most overused phrase ever in these books. That alone is sufficient to ditch this trash.
On the Ice by Amy Aislin
That's the best you got for a title?! "Pursuing his dream of becoming a professional hockey player," never seen that before in a gay romance. Yawn. "Mitch needs a tutor so he doesn’t fail a class and lose his scholarship." So Mitch is a dumbass. Got it. "But he wasn’t expecting it to be NHL defenseman Alex" Really? Everyone else was. He really is a dumbass. Yawn.
The Lie by Stella Gray
"When Emzee does a favor for her wealthy best friend, Ford," I'll bet she does. That's hardly stellar, Stella. "...she suddenly finds herself pretending to be his fiancée!" Just like that! Aw shucks! These things happen! Because that hasn't been done a gazillion times before in a cookie-cutter clone of a story that's beyond tedious and well into barf-worthy by now. "As their fake engagement heats up in public, their red-hot chemistry in private ignites a true passion… First in a series." No, it really isn't. It's one in an endless series of cloned stories. Barf.
School Spirits by Rachel Hawkins
"The youngest in a long line of monster slayers, Izzy Brannick is surprised when her mom moves their family to a new town." Why? If the monsters are all slain, it's surely time to move to fresh hunting grounds! Izzy is obviously a dumbass. "But Izzy’s high school has more secrets than she anticipated" Then she's the only one; everyone else fully expected this. Another reason to think she's a dumbass. This exact story has been done a bazillion times before. No wonder the retarded reviewers at Kirkus think its "original and funny".
Fire and Ice by JA Jance
"Arizona Sheriff Joanna Brady and Seattle detective JP Beaumont" aka The Big Bopper, from Richardson, Texas must team up." They meet at the Sheldon National Antelope Refuge, created by that guy from Big Bang Theory, and wonder why they're lost somewhere on the border of Oregon and Nevada when they ought to be in their respective states solving crime. "Their two homicide investigations intersect in a shocking way" when they discover that the fence surrounding the park is electrified and they spend the rest of their life reporting on current affairs for ABC - the Antelope Broadcasting Corporation..... Yawn.
Cave of Bones by Anne Hillerman
"Police officer Bernadette Manuelito investigates a missing person case on volcanic terrain, while Sergeant Jim Chee faces trouble after a man he imprisoned for domestic violence is released." Meanwhile his Korean half-sister Kim Chee, a victim of foreign violence takes out her frustrations on the last surviving volcano, rendering it extinct....
The Medusa Stone by Jack Du Brul
"When an American spy satellite crashes down in Eritrea, it reveals a legendary lost mine! Can geologist Philip Mercer survive an international web of danger and intrigue?" Nah. He was standing right under it when it came down. He's dead as a doornail. Meanwhile other dead doornails rise up and it becomes a zombie apocalypse of dead doornails. Resentful of being abused for so many years to describe dead folks, they rebel and rampage through city after city nailing victims relentlessly. Yawn. It needs to be retitled Doornail of the Dead....
Defiance by Jason Krumbine
"A century after an alien attack nearly destroyed the entire United Planetary Alliance, the enemy has returned. Isolated on the outer rim, daring Captain Mitchell and the crew of the USS Defiance are about to become the first line of defense." Why? The UPA have had a century to prepare for another alien attack and they're caught unawares? They have no AI defenses? No robot defenses? This author like so many other sci-fi authors (I'm looking at you David Weber) has simply not thought it through. Naturally you want a human element in your story, but that doesn't mean the story has to be brain-dead and reliant on the same thinking, and the same technology, we use today! Nor on the same unimaginative bullshit stories everyone else has already told at least twice.
Coconut Cowboy by Tim Dorsey
"From a New York Times bestselling author" I somehow doubt that! "Determined to recreate the classic film Easy Rider, serial killer Serge mounts a motorcycle and heads to Florida in pursuit of freedom and the American Dream!" Since when is serial-killing the American dream? This ought to be renamed "Plain Nuts Cowboy" What's Serge's first name? Covid? Barf.
Under the Harrow by Flynn Berry
Flynn Berry? Seriously? "Nora travels to the country to visit her sister - but finds her" sister has travelled to the city to visit her! They go back and forth like this for several weeks until one of them is killed by exhaustion. The other is beside herself so it's like no one died. Barf. Another cookie cutter murder non-mystery.
Night Is Darkest by Jayne Rylon
"After a tragedy, Lacey finds comfort in the arms of her brother's two best friends, Mason and Tyler - An 'irresistibly sexy' read" I'll resist. Mason and Tyler? These guys work in the building trade? Barf. I cannot argue with the title though. She got that right. Sign along with me: The night is dark, the day is light, together we learn to fuck all night, fuck all ni-i-ight...! This author seems to specialize in the dumbest stories imaginable.
The Given by Gary Clark/Thornfruit by Felicia Davin
The Given by Gary Clark "Teenage Jay has the power to read minds - but in her world, that ability is outlawed. When she finds herself targeted and on the run, she must unravel a mystery and unlock her true potential in order to find freedom." AND Thornfruit by Felicia Davin "Gifted with the ability to read minds, Alizhan operates as a thief of secrets. When she becomes the target of a deadly plot, she escapes the city, aided by quiet farm girl Ev - and the two grow closer as they uncover a sweeping conspiracy." I already reviewed Thornfruit negatively, having read at least part of the story, but my issue here is: how are these two stories really any different? It's essentially the same basic plot! There's nothing original here, and it's not worth my time. The amusing thing is that they were both literally side by side in a discount book flyer!
Tropic of Stupid by Tim Dorsey
"After Serge Storms..." Stop right there. Check please! I'm done here. The only stupid here is the main character's name. That's enough for me to know exactly how this plays out. Yawn.
Blood & Ash by Deborah Wilde
"This urban fantasy is an 'action-packed, perfectly paced paranormal romp' (Publishers Weekly starred review) that’s perfect for fans of Patricia Briggs!" Who the fuck is Patricia Briggs? "After she’s attacked while investigating a missing persons case, Vancouver PI Ashira Cohen discovers she has supernatural powers. Together with Levi," the jeans manufaturer...seriously? Levi? Because god forbid we should have a female character solve or fix anything without being led by a guy. Yawn.
Wednesday, September 22, 2021
Deep Fathom by James Rollins
"With the United States on the verge of nuclear apocalypse, former Navy SEAL Jack" stop ight ther ebcause I am flaloigna lseep already. Insanely apocalyptic claim, borign goto character named kjack? FUCK JACK! Get a new name for fuck's sake becaus eif all youc an do is continualyl retread the most over-used fuckign am,me in ficitonal hisotry then I am NEVER gign tor ead your shit. barf.
For the Wolf by Hannah Whitten
"Cursed with immense power, Red is destined to be sacrificed to the Wolf of the Wood - but if she refuses, the fate of the kingdom could be at stake." Why? Is the wolf a vampire? Stake - vampire, get it? Never mind.... On a more serious note, can anyone say 'Beauty and the Beast redux'? Yawn. Not impressed. That 'immense power' was a dead giveaway - that the story is dead.
Monday, September 20, 2021
By Earth by T Thorn Coyle
I read one book - or started it anyway, by this author and she's far too invested in her topic. That novel came off far more as preaching than story-telling. This one is billed as The Witches of Portland #1, and it's the inevitable start of the inevitable series because Selene forbid we should have any more standalone novels. Jeeze!
The plot is that ghosts are invading Portland Oregon - why that should be I have no idea. Maybe it's explained in the novel, but I have little faith in that. Here's the real problem though: "Cassie has trouble enough, and then Joe walks into the café." Joe is "Cute enough to be interesting," but he's also "haunted and doesn't know it. Haunted by a dead girlfriend who insists the city itself is in trouble." I can see exactly how this story will pan out right from there and it's boring. Even if it doesn't play out exactly as it seems like it will, it's still boring. There is nothing new here and it made no internal sense, either. I'm not buying this ghost story!
Wrapped in the Past by Chess Desalls
This was a weird story about a time traveler who takes his family on a trip back, purportedly, to the deserts of the Middle East where they meet the "three magi" following the star to Bethlehem. This is such a literal interpretation of the Biblical story and it's not even accurate, even if we pretend for a minute that the story was true. This legend appears only in the gospel of Matthew, which Matthew didn't write, and nowhere does it say there were three dudes.
There are three prized treasures mentioned, but that doesn't mean there were three magi each with one treasure. Nor is there any solid indication that they were literally following a bright star in the sky. It merely says that they saw his star in the east (not in the west, note!) and have come to bow before him. They could have been astrologers who looked at a chart saw some sort of a sign and headed out with no star visible in the sky whatsoever. The best guess is that (assuming there were real) they were Zoroastrian priests. Zoroastrianism, coming out of what's now Iran, has had a significant influence on the development of Christianity.
The thing about this story is: how did this family happen to light down in the very place where these dudes were traveling? The desert is not a small place and although there were trade routes, they were vague. There was no highway to follow. This family had no idea where they would be along the route, even assuming that they were following one. They didn't even know which year this took place nor at what time of year, so the improbabilities were rife. Add to that the morphing yacht turning into a camel and the convenient fact that the father has taken very little time to master the common languages of that place and period, it was too much. It would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than to consider this to be realistic fiction.
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