Why it took three people to write this I do not know. Publishers Weekly apparently describes it as "A crowd-pleaser." Somehow I doubt a farting dog would please many crowds. I never found farting amusing even when I was a kid, so for me, this one stinks. And now I know all I need to know about Publishers Weekly's credibility.
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
Finished Off in Fondant by Rosemarie Ross
"When chef Courtney heads to a luxurious resort in the Poconos to participate in a wedding-themed baking show, murder derails the first day of filming! Can Courtney unmask the culprit among the contestants and crew?" Because no one, but no one, is better qualifed to solve a murder case than a wedding cake baker. Barf. And why would they be wearing a mask? Wouldn't that be a dead giveaway? LOL!
Monday, October 4, 2021
Keeping Up with the Joneses by PR Hawkins aka Pualara Hawkins, or maybe Paulara Hawkins,
"Risa James has spent her life focusing on her career, and now she has everything she could ever want — except a love life. But when sparks fly with charming JD Jones during an interview, she realizes the handsome ex–NFL player may be just what she’s looking for." Yeah, because, like, he gives it two hundred percent, for sure and he's planning on going long and he's aiming for a three-peat. Barf.
The Fandom by Anna Day
"Violet and her friends are ecstatic to be at Comic-Con representing their favorite fandom — but when a freak accident transports them into the story’s dystopian world, the teens must act out the dangerous plot of the book to return to reality" Seriously? How many times has this same shit been warmed over? Yawn. Is the author's name really Anna Day or is she simply trying to conflate herself with Felicia Day?
Fire in Bone by Wes Markin
"Ex-detective" - remember that! "Jake Pettman" Jake is another name for Jack in these stories; it isn't any better. "...has left the UK behind and sought refuge in a small Maine community." Because gods forbid we should have a novel set anywhere other than the USA. "But his hopes for a quiet existence are dashed when the decades-old remains of a young schoolgirl wash up on a riverbank — and everyone in his new town seems to be hiding something." What the hell business is it of his? None! Let the local police deal with it you meddling little prick! Geeze!
Firestick by William W Johnstone, JA Johnstone
"After settling down at their horse ranch in West Texas, three legendary cowboys prove they’re not too old for a fight when trouble comes to town" Is 'firestick' a eupehmism for 'penis'? Barf.
Burned by Melissa F Miller
I have to ask: is there a template out there online somewhere that lazy authors can download to use, so they don't have to try and think of anything original? Do they just feed in their main character's name, find some love interest, and then the template slots the names into all the blank spaces and does all the work? Because these stories are so cookie-cutter that it's embarrassing - or it would be were I to try writing one that wasn't intended to be a parody.
Here we go: "After her cover is blown, CIA operative Olivia goes on the run — both from foreign enemies and her own government. Her only hope may be a former Navy SEAL with a dark past...." Of course it is, because she's fucking useless without a man. Just call her 'Maiden', call her rescuer 'Saint George', and call the CIA 'Codename Dragon', and you have it. Yawn. This book should definitely be burned.
Any Job Will Do by John Wilker
Meet yet another author who simply has not thought-through the immense cost and massive distances involved in interstellar travel. So here we go: "The unification wars are long over, and now war orphan Jax Caruso" Jax is enough to make me not want to read this right there. "...and his crew of droids traverse space, taking any work they can find." Yeah, because it's sure cheaper to maintain and run a spacecaraft from star to star than it is to work on one planet. Seriously? This is just dumb from the off.
Defiance by Cheree Alsop
"Werewolves are bound to protect their vampire masters...." Seriously? This obsessive-compulsive linking of werewolves and vampires is so tired it's way beyond fatigued. If the plot had had it the other way around that would be something approaching new, but this retreaded cookie-cutter clone bullshit is tedious. Yawn. This author seems sadly dedicated to writing clunkers.
And Dangerous to Know by Darcie Wilde aka Sarah Zettel
Darcie, seriously? For an English mystery inspired by Jane Austen? "When a lady requests her help in recovering a packet of stolen letters, sleuth...." Stop right there. That's me out. "Rosalind Thorne finds herself in a complicated plot involving Lord Byron, scandal - and murder." Of course she does. Why not bring in real historical people and make 'em dance to your tune? Admittedly Byron deserves everything he gets, but usually these things are done so badly. The whole idea of this turns me off, especially the main character's name.
Saving Grace by DM Barr
That title is enough to warn off this one. Typically, titles of this nature, with a woman's name in them, are no-no's. They're awful, particularly this one. "Grace just knows that once her father passes," the smell will be awful, so she sets about putting industrial-strength fans in every room. Passes? Really? Do you mean dies? "...her husband will kill her for the inheritance money. But who’s going to believe her?" Well, maybe the fucking cops. Jesus. Barf. No doubt some manly man will come to her rescue.
Seven Days of Us by Francesca Hornak
The very title here should warn you off this one. And why seven days? Why not twelve, if you're going for a christmas motif? "When the members of the Birch family are stuck in one house for seven days over Christmas, secrets and old tensions surface!" And we all know what those are. Arthur Ashe, Chris Pine, Holly Hunter, and Willow Smith join them, and they all watch Forrest Gump. Yawn.