When heartbroken Chelsea ditches the city for her family’s sprawling apple orchard, she’s ready to spend her days relaxing with plates of warm pie… but then a dead body is picked from the trees! Follow Chelsea and her aunt, Miss May, as they solve a bushel of mysteries in this complete box set." Why not call her Granny Smith and be done with it? This heartbroken 'fleeing waif' motif is such a tired trope. I'll bet the author has no idea that the word 'bushel' comes from a French term meaning "little box" and so it particularly à propos for this box set, but there isn't a box anyway so what does it matter?
Friday, October 8, 2021
The Book of Life by Deborah Harkness
"As enemies loom, witch Diana Bishop" cuts the cloth they produce "and vampire Matthew Clairmont" fashions it into bespoke clothing. What a joy. And nary a werewolf in sight. Barf.
Thursday, October 7, 2021
The Roosevelt Conspiracy by Matt James
"When a mysterious letter written by Theodore Roosevelt is discovered, former Delta operator Jack Reilly" Stop right there. Jack is the most boring name ever. It's been done to death squared, and still idiot writers can't find the wherewithal to come up with a better name. Nor can they, it seems, get away from the abject worship of ancient US history. Yawn. Just once in a while wouldn't it be nice to get something new, fresh, and original, with a decent main character whose name isn't retreaded from countless action adventure novels that preceded this one? And a sensible plot that isn't tied to some discovery from USA antiquity? Or is it just me?
Seven Unholy Days by Jerry Hatchett
Jerry Hatchett? Really? Isn't that just a little bit too much like Terry Pratchett? I mean it's exactly the same spelling except for the three leading letters! We're told that this "Will leave readers breathless and flipping pages long into the night… Not to be missed!" No! It's to be avoided like the plague! I'd be flipping pages off. "When a cyberattack plunges America into darkness," even in the daytime! "Matt Decker works fast to track down and stop the hacker — before he can carry out a diabolical plan." Because a heavenly plan is just not realistic.... Yawn. Another Hatchett job.
Locked On by Tom Clancy, Mark Greaney
"[Clancy] at top of his game" - shows what the Chicago Tribune knows! LOL! "Presidential nominee Jack Ryan..." stop right there at 'Jack' I'm out of here.
A Dying Fall by Elly Griffiths
Another amateur meddler: "When archaeologist Ruth Galloway hears of an old friend’s sudden death in a house fire," she considers herself eminently qualifed to solve this, and summarily tells the arson investigator to fuck off. "...she works to uncover the truth behind his demise" which turns out to be smoke inhalation. The guy had heard it was a crack house, so he set fire to it and tried to inhale. "...and the recent discovery that made him fear for his life" which was that his smoke alarm wasn't working. Solved.
The Secrets of Us by Lucinda Berry
Stop right there! That title alone is enough to say no. Just say no.
Super Colossal Reacher Universe Bundle Volume 1 by Jude Hardin
"A lot of people want to find Jack Reacher...." Not me. Yawn. Can you say nauseating market-saturation? Jack-Off Reacheround anyone? It's called a circle jerk.
Mick by Melissa Foster
"A red-hot USA Today bestseller" - only if you consider #143 in the list to be a best-seller; otherwise it's just a lie. "Determined to release her inner vixen, Amanda attends a masquerade bar crawl. She makes an instant connection with a masked stranger - only to find out he’s her boss! But when Mick offers her a no-strings lesson in seduction, Amanda can’t resist" neither can the disease she gets which is antiobiotic-resistant chlamydia.... Yawn. And he's her boss? Barf. Way to foster a put-down of women, Melissa.
Road Out of Winter by Alison Stine
"In an unforgiving future, Wylodine flees the endless winter of Appalachia. But danger awaits her and her ragtag...." Stop right there. If it says 'ragtag' or 'quirky' or 'misfits' anywhere in the blurb it's going to be shittily unoriginal and needs to be avoided. Yawn. And Wylodine?
Divine Fate: The Complete Series by Alicia Rades
"An action-packed, unputdownable fantasy trilogy" of course it is, because when isn't it? Check this shit out: "After killing a demon, Ryn Tyler is swept away to a magical school - to hone her skills as an angel! Under the tutelage of bad boy Marek" Of course he's a bad boy because what the fuck use is anyone else? You can see exactly where this tedious retreaded garbage is going from that one sentence, and it ain't anywhere original, interesting, or entertaining, because this exact story has been done over and over with nothing more than a few cosmetic changes. Yawn. Alicia Raids Tired Plots.
Queen of Klutz by Samantha Garman
"After losing her job and her boyfriend on the same day, Sibby Goldstein stumbles into a waitressing gig at an Italian restaurant. Can she find her way back to love and happiness — without falling flat on her face?" How many times has this tired old story been retreaded now? Far too many, that's for sure. Yawn.
When the Red Wolf Runs by Kody Boye
Kody Boye sounds like a supiciously made-up author name doesn't it?! "There hasn’t been a wolf spotted around where Oaklynn lives" Oaklynn? Really? "...for decades - but after she unexpectedly sees one outside, she meets her new neighbor, Jackson. And Jackson and his father are carrying an earth-shattering secret…" What that's he's fucking werewolf? Barf. How is that remotely Earth-shattering? And 'Jackson' really? That's no better than 'Jack' - the most boring name in fiction. "First in an absorbing paranormal series!" Of course it is, because why do the work of coming up with original standalones when you can keep retreading the same tired story over and over? How tedious. How unimaginative. How uninventive. Yawn.
An Indecent Proposition by Stephanie Julian
Rip-off indecent proposal much for your titles? "A single night of no-holds-barred sex with Erik and Keegan will provide waitress Julianne with the cash to buy herself a new life. But is one night enough?" To catch a disease? Yep. Stupid and ridiculous to its core.
The Matarese Circle by Robert Ludlum
Robert Ludlum died twenty years ago and will not get a penny from this - buy it used or get it from your library if you must read it. For me, I am not interested in reading a novel that chooses a title like something popular from the past, like 'Maltese Falcon', Maybe? Just title it 'Tease' and be done with it!
The Charlotte and Thomas Pitt Novels Volume One by Anne Perry
This page-turning box set of historical mysteries introduces police inspector Thomas Pitt and wealthy, free-spirited Charlotte Ellison...." Why would a Victorian police officer countenance any interference from a meddling woman? Yawn. Where does she live? Letsbe Avenue? And way to give away the plot: Charlotte Ellison obviously becomes a Pitt. In fact the whole novel is the pits, let's face it.
Stolen Daughters by Carolyn Arnold
"In a tiny Virginia town, the body of a teenage girl is discovered in an abandoned house. Detective Amanda Steele...." Nope! No more novels where the main character is unimaginatively named 'Steele' or 'Stone' for fuck's sake. Get a clue! Yawn. And it's an abandoned house! If a body wants to be in there, let it, I say! I think Arnold wrote this for her own Benediction....
Lost, Found, & Forever by Victoria Schade
"When Justine discovers her beloved rescue dog might belong to a man named Griffin, they compete to show who’s the better pet owner - but they might just find love along the way." Clone much? How did she even get her hands on the 'rescue dog', if Griffin is so dead set on finding his lost pet? Unoriginal story, inane 'plot'.
Murder Most Pemberley by Jessica Berg
"To mend family ties, Eliza Darcy crosses the Atlantic to England" and she's in the USA why? Because you cannot - simply cannot! - have a novel for an American audience that has no Americans in it! It's unconstitutional! Barf! What ought to be illegal is these dumb-ass rip-offs of Jane Austen. Get a new shtick for Bourgh's sake - something original and imaginative. "...only to stumble into a Scotland Yard murder investigation!" which has nothing whatsoever to do with her. For fuck's sake! "Fans of cozy mysteries and Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice will enjoy this whodunit." I hope not.
Blue Moon Investigations Boxed Set: Part 1 by Steve Higgs
Once in a blue moon, they actually solve a case! "PI Tempest Michaels" hereinafter known as the Higgs Bosom, "brings the supernatural creatures of England to justice in this fast-paced and funny paranormal romp." Anything with 'romp' in the description is a no. And Tempest Michaels? Tempest? Really? No. Just no! And there is no box. Trust me on this.
Country Cottage Mysteries Box Set Books 4–6 by Addison Moore, Bellamy Bloom
"Sinister shenanigans" Thos two words really do not go together. A writer ought to know that; two writers ought to know it twice. "...are afoot in the village of Cider Cove…" where there's more crime and murder than any large city. "In this collection," that comes with no box whatsoever - you know it doesn't - "psychic innkeeper Bizzy" Body "must solve three mysteries - from a dog fashion show gone wrong to a senior citizens’ bake-off that ends in murder. Can she crack the cases?" She's a psychic. She gets the answer on the first page, case solved. Everything else is padding. Barf.
Good Nights by Heather Grace Stewart
"Struggling with terrible writer’s block and a failed marriage, Hannah needs a break." So she runs away! "Booking a month in a house on a remote French island seems like the perfect solution - until her solo getaway is interrupted by an infuriatingly handsome Brit...." Automatic barf with the 'infuriatingly' bullshit. I honestly do not get the mentality behind these ridiculous stories. I know it’s pure escapism, but the total lack of anything approaching reality destroys any hope of suspension of disbelief. All there is, is disbelief. Yawn. How sad that the only break this downtrodden woman can afford is a luxury vacation for an entire month on a remote island. We are all so much better off than she is....
The Tethering by Megan O’Russell
The title alone should steer you well away from this one. "Gifted with supernatural abilities, Jacob only wants to use his powers to protect Emilia, the girl he’s loved for years." And fuck the rest of the world! "But with the world of magic teetering on the brink of war, he has to fight just to stay alive… A fantasy tale that will keep you glued to the pages." Mainly because the publisher actually put glue on the pages for this very purpose. Yawn. Another sad blurb that is evidently designed to turn a person off the book rather than onto it - assuming they even do get past that god-awful title.
The Cross of Sins by Robin Knight
"Somewhere in the world, a priceless and scandalous artifact lies hidden - and five gay adventurers team up to find it before it can be destroyed." Seriously? The title is ridiculous as is the premise. What, pray tell, exactly is a cross of sins? Is it like the word sins vertically and horizontally, the one sitting atop the other, both sharing an 'I' because there is no 'I' in team.... I think I prefer Sir Robin to Knight Robin. You know the one from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?.
The Royal Factions Box Set Books 1–3 by WJ May
"A spellbinding box set" where teenagers are boxed in! "Sixteen-year-old Elise is taken from her home and drawn into the glittering world of the royal palace - where she and the other captives will be held until they’re claimed by a courtier. With danger lurking around every corner, can Elise survive her fate?" No. She'll commit suicide when she discovers that the queen never actually said "Let them eat cake." Seriously what kind of dumb fuck question is that? Do you actually have to get a degree in 'Watershit Down' in order to be qualified to write book blurbs? I don't see any other way they could be written in so consistently stupid a fashion.
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