"When a young boy discovers a body in an Oklahoma creek, county deputy Hannah Bond and Chickasaw Lighthorse Police Sergeant Bill Maytubby investigate — but everything about the crime scene is wrong." So they re-arrange it to make it look pretty? No? So they abduct the boy to Guantanamo and torture him until he confesses? No? So they say, "The hell with it, let's go get a beer?" There you go! I knew I'd figure it out in the end because there really isn't anything new here.
Monday, October 11, 2021
Run Away with Me by Daniel Hurst
"Happily married Laura is heavily pregnant when her husband, Adam, rushes home and shares some news… He’s done a bad thing. The police are on their way. And they need to leave — right now." So she tells him to fuck off and lives happily ever after while he rots in jail. End of sotry. Because this shitty plot sure as hell is going nowhere. Go on the run when your wife is about due? Waght kind fo a jerk does that? And what kind of a moron thinks he can honestly get away with it?
Under Siege by Stephen Coonts
"Pentagon staffer Jake Grafton races to keep bloodthirsty narco-terrorists from destroying the nation’s capital." Yawn. Nothing new here. But my question is: where are the police? For that matter, where is the FBI? Where is the CIA? Where is the OCDETF? Why is it some Petangon staffer doing this? Or is the guy just an asshole? And why not pick an original title? I can tell from this alone that I'll never need to consider reading anything by this author!
The Plastic Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
"When American Alvie arrives in London to become a magician’s apprentice, she embarks on an enchanted adventure." Of course she does, because if there's no "American" in the story, it's shit, period! That's constitutional law, right there. Gods forbid we have a novel set somewhere other than the USA which doesn't feature at least one "American" in it. Yuk, what a horrible prospect that would be.
Solitude by Dean M Cole
"From an author of 'vibrant prose' according to Multi-Platitude's Failing Kirkus! The quote was from a review for another novel, not this one, so it's misleading at best, but that's a book blurb for you. Here's the dumb plot: "Army Captain Vaughn Singleton is the last man on Earth - and when he discovers that another human, Commander Angela Brown, is barely surviving at the International Space Station, he’ll begin a race against time to make it to space and back before it’s too late." Yep. That's how desperate he is to have sex one last time. God bless him, every sperm! It's right there in the name: Singleton. They don't call it Space XXX for nothing!
So - another story about the rugged and chivalrous St George saving the maiden from the dragon. Way to go. How are those cookie cutters holding up? Still sharp? Good to know. We can expect more of the same then can we? That's just great. The author appears not to know that the ISS has a return capsule on standby at all times in case of emergencies, so the crew can escape, and those capsules can land on the ground - they do not have to 'splash down." What would be really funny is if Singleton goes up there to "rescue" the poor incompetent maiden, and she escapes and comes down to Earth, and they keep doing this throughout the novel due to poor communications....
Hostile Witness by Rebecca Forster
"When a teenager is accused of murdering her stepgrandfather, attorney Josie Baylor-Bates agrees to defend the girl. But her investigation will reveal a terrible truth that could rip the family apart" The family is already ripped apart, dipshit! Gramps was raping her and that's the entire story. Nothing new here at all.
Isle of Palms by Dorothea Benton Frank
So Dorothea's Bent on Frank huh? I knew it all along! Anyway, "When Anna returns home to South Carolina, she must confront the secrets of her dysfunctional family." That's why she's depicted on the cover obviously contemplating drowning herself. But rest assured some guy will rescue her. How many times has this dysfunctional family trope been trotted out? An ocean of times, That's how many. Yawn.
The Plastic Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
"When American Alvie arrives in London to become a magician’s apprentice, she embarks on an enchanted adventure." Of course she does, because if there's no "American" in the story, it's shit, period! That's constitutional law, right there. Gods forbid we have a novel set somewhere other than the USA which doesn't feature at least one "American" in it. Yuk, what a horrible prospect that would be.
Losing Brave by Bailee Madison, Stefne Miller
"Over a year after her twin sister’s disappearance," It's twins! Again. "Payton is led down a troubled path — and into the arms of her sister’s boyfriend" Of course she is! And it took only two people to clone this! My how efficent we're becoming with the cookie cutter....
Deadline by Jennifer Blackstream
"Witch and novice private investigator Shade" Shade? Seriously? "...gets her first case — a mission that pits her against a myriad of supernatural foes" So she casts a protection spell, to keep her safe, and casts another spell to solve the murder, and we're done. That's page one. I wonder what the other 331 pages are filled with? No, seriously, don't answer that. I don't care. All I can say is, with a retread like this, you're really not going to get much mileage from it.
Doom with a View by Kate Kingsbury
"Melanie and her grandmother, Liza, are excited for the grand opening of their bed-and-breakfast. But when a guest turns up dead, they find themselves in the limelight for the wrong reasons… Can a ghostly sidekick help them save their reputation and solve the whodunit?" Who honestly gives a shit? This same story has been told endlessly. There's nothing new here. Yawn.
The Kindred Spirits Supper Club by Amy E Reichert
"After losing her job, journalist Sabrina returns home to Wisconsin, where a handsome restaurateur — and a couple of ghosts — bring her a new beginning." This story which has been told ad infinitum has it that if a woman flees from something like a little chickenshit, she will find her rooster. Barf. How many times are we going to get this exact same story cloned? Really? How many?
Sunday, October 10, 2021
The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain
"Do you have any idea how many books there which feature CeeCee something-or-other on the title? Short answer: too many. "Two decades ago, CeeCee Wilkes witnessed the death of pregnant Genevieve Russell, and chose to secretly raise the baby as her own." So our hero is a kidnapper. That's just great. Barf.
Stay with Me by Jennifer L Armentrout, J Lynn
Well the title sucks. That alone screams ditch this one. "At 21, Calla has never been kissed or seen the ocean." Yeah, right. "When she returns to her hometown searching for her estranged mother, local bartender Jackson is determined to help Calla — and to check off a few boxes" You bet your ass he can't wait to check out her box. Geeze what an godawful plot this is. Because as everyone knows, a woman is useless except as a prize and Jacksoff is desperate to "claim her" as his. Barf. Anyone who writes this trash should be ashamed, and a female who writes it, particularly so. But look at it this way: it took only two people to write all that novel! Wow! I wonder if either of them know that Calla comes from a Greek word meaning the wattle of a cock?
Evensong by Krista Walsh
"Things aren’t going great for Jeff. He’s struggling to meet his book deadline, his literary agent is mad, the barista he likes doesn’t even notice him, and to top it all off: He’s been magically transported inside his own fantasy novel!" Oh what original fun! Never been done before! I can't wait to avoid this like the plague. Yawn.
Our Italian Summer by Jennifer Probst
"Will a life-changing trip through Italy help Francesca reconnect with her mother and her daughter?" Well it says 'life-changing' right there, so what do you think? I think the blurb writer is an idiot and this is most probst yet another tiresome retread of the three-generations story. Yawn.
The Girl in the Green Raincoat by Laura Lippman
While pregnant and on bed rest, PI Tess Monaghan notices the strange disappearance of a neighbor. But the investigation could put Tess — and her unborn child — in harm’s way" Yet another tedious retread of the one who comes out of retirement to save the day shtick. Yawn.
American Traitor By Brad Taylor
"American Traitor" Because who cares about anyone else?! "Pike Logan" Seriously? It's the fish guy again? "...is interrupted when they learn their friend is on the run — and his attackers are linked to a dangerous plot that could launch a global conflict." of course it coudl because it's worth nothing unless it has global impact and it's tamed by an American hero. Yawn. And then we wonder where the right wing nationalists and supremacists get their ideas.
Most Valuable Playboy by Lauren Blakely
"When quarterback Cooper needs his best friend’s sister, Violet, to bid on him at a charity date auction, he never expects their fake relationship to become so steamy" He's the only one on planet Earth who didn't. Yawn.
The Magnolia Inn by Anne-Marie Meyer
"Recently divorced and unemployed, 36-year-old Maggie’s only hope is to renovate and sell her family’s ramshackle inn on the island of Magnolia. When she arrives in the Rhode Island town, she finds buried secrets and unexpected friendship — and revives a long-forgotten book club that changes her life! Book one in a series." Of course it is because this story has only been told about ten-hundred dozen times so why not make it a series?
Shadow Chasing by Debbie Macomber
"While relaxing in sun-soaked Mexico, Carla meets handsome Philip — but can she let go of issues from her own past and open up her heart to happiness?" Apparently the only idiot who doesn't know the answer to that question is the book blurb writer because every single one of these stories ends the same predictable way. Yawn.
Sandman Slim by Richard Kadrey
“I couldn’t put it down” (Charlaine Harris)" That tells me everything I already knew about that author. "James Stark has spent the last 11 years as a hit man in Hell" What exactly, does a hitman do in hell? They're already dead. Does he make them deader? "...but now he’s back on the streets of Los Angeles and looking for revenge." There are between 200 and 300 real murders in LA every year, so, really, who cares about this fake hit-dude's petty revenge?
Tangled Vows by Anna Stone
"First in a sizzling series" Of course it is - a series for when one unimaginative book can never be enough tedium. "Escort Ruby is already drawn to Yvonne - so when the media mogul proposes a fake marriage with an irresistible payoff" what's that? That this huge lie won't harm anyone? "Ruby can’t help agreeing." How many times has this exact plot been done over and over again? Yawn. Nothing new under this genre, that's for sure.
Nun of Your Business Books 1–3 by Dakota Cassidy
"Excommunicated nun Trixie" Trixie? Really? "...and her demon buddy Coop work together to run a business in Cobbler Cove, Oregon" Of course they do. Why not?! Because demons excel at running businesses. It's what they're made for. Just look at how well Jeff Business, Mark Suckeryou, and Elon Busker are doing. "...and solve mysteries on the side! This quirky box set" That lets me out, but wait, there's more! It "features talking animals, demonic possession, and more" Now how much would you pay? Well 33 cents a book, looks like. I guess this author knows how to value her work, and I'd say she got it right.
Welcome to Spicetown by Sheri Richey
"The quaint village of Spicetown is experiencing a string of unusual events - prompting mayor Cora and police chief Conrad to investigate!" Why, because the police can't do it competently by themselves? And why does 'a quaint village' have its own police chief? And why is this "A Spicetown Mystery" - just how many murders does this not so quaint village actually have in an average year? Another ridiculous non-mystery. Barf.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)