"In the aftermath of World War II, former SOE operative Saffron and her husband, Gerhard, find themselves drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse" That's really only dangerous for the mouse, and they sure taste good with a little saffron don't they?! It's yet another World War Two spy story and there sure aren't anywhere near enough of those already. And it took only two authors to pen this one! Wow! Yawn. Did they think that by adding in the 'Churchill' there, more people would want to read it? Or is that really his name?
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
The Last Bodyguard by Sean Black
Another dumb-ass blurb: "When a teen goes missing, ex-military bodyguard Ryan Lock will do what it takes to save her from a chilling fate" Add 'Lock' to clichéd "hard-bitten" tough guys names like 'Steele', 'Cage', Stone', and 'Pierce'. Yawn. Ex military bodyguard? Does that mean he was a bodyguard in the military? LOL! I don't believe for a minute that those guys need any bodyguards! What fools these blurb writers be, in their desperation to cram everything into an unsound-bite. But it keeps me amused!
Light It Up by Nick Petrie
So here's my question: Could you possibly have come up with a more cliched title? I don't think so, but I'm open to options here. "When a tightly executed hijacking threatens a family friend’s business, combat veteran Peter agrees to get involved — but the ramifications could be deadly…" Peter Ash is the purported hero here. Peter Ash. Seriously? Here's what Lee Child says, "Lots of characters get compared to my own Jack Reacher, but Petrie’s Peter Ash is the real deal." That tells me to avoid this author like the plague. There's nothing worse than another Jack Reacher round....
Welcome to the World, Baby Girl! by Fannie Flagg
"Dena Nordstrom must face her troubled family history as she searches for happiness" Barf! I'd rather eat fried green tomatoes. Not. No wonder Kirkus's last stand thought it was a "paean" - paean in the ass no doubt. I'll waive the Flagg. Yawn.
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley / Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley
"To save her father, Beauty must live with the mysterious Beast - who teaches her that there’s always more than meets the eye" So a free, antique fairytale is retold with not a thing new added and we're expected to buy it? Barf.
AND
Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
"Erin is secretly in love with Blake, the man whose house she cleans to pay for school — but he has been badly hurt by the outside world. Can she convince him that he deserves happiness… and pleasure? A sizzling twist on Beauty and the Beast" And the same story as the other one. The exact same story in fact. Unimaginative, cookie-cutter trash. Period. Skye Warren? Really? No wonder I don't trust any author's name to be real!
The Goblin King by Jovee Winters
"Kingdom is practically built on happily ever afters — so why can’t the Goblin King find his true pairing?" He's an asshole? "Setting off to Earth to meet his match, it turns out that he doesn’t have to look any further than his new next-door neighbor: tall, gorgeous Joon." Now I get it! He's racist. He won't marry someone of his own race. No wonder he's still single! And Joon bride? Yeah, I get it. No wonder he ends up in Jovee. Yawn.
Cinderella Assassin by Allie Burton / Midnight Wings by Ariele Sieling
"An absorbing Cinderella retelling!" Because if there's one thing this world desperately needs right now it's yet another retelling of Cinderella - like Disney hasn't already run that trope into the ground. "To break her best friend out of the palace prison, Elle makes a deal with her fairy godmother: She’ll get all the magic she needs if she assassinates the prince. But what happens when Elle falls for her handsome target?" Then she's in breach of contract. Next question? Why the fuck doesn't the lazy-ass fairy godnmother assassinate the prince if that's the real goal here?
AND
Midnight Wingsby Ariele Sieling
Ariele Sieling? Really? That's the most bullshit made-up name ever. It's asinine. I flat refuse to read this book based on that ludicrous author name alone! But there's more! "This thrilling sci-fi retelling of Cinderella kicks off a fantastical new series!" Of course it does because why the fuck not keep retreading the same tired story instead of doing the grunt work of creating something new, inventive, and original? "El dreams of piloting fighter jets for the intergalactic fleet," You know jets don't work in space, right, "Ariele"? becuase oif you dontl, you ahve no business writign a space opera. "...but in reality, she’s stuck doing grunt work. When the queen launches a competition to identify new pilots," And the queen is doing this instead of the military why? "El must face her callous stepmother to stand a chance" Why? This is really, not so much a stretch as an overly taut rubber band that's going to snap back on the author's face.
A Cornish Summer by Catherine Alliott
This really ought to be retitled "A Cornish Summer" because there's nothing new here. "When Flora’s former mother-in-law invites her on a Cornish getaway, can she survive the unexpected appearance of her ex-husband and his new wife?" Who cares? Really?
Tuesday, October 12, 2021
That Time in Paris by Logan Ryles
"While the CIA works to undermine a devastating terrorist plot, Russia unknowingly sends its own team of assassins… and countless people could die if elite spy Wolfgang Pierce" Wolfgang Pierce? really? That's a definite no right there.
Over the Top by Rebecca Zanetti
That's a great title for a ridiculous story like this. "Dawn has always had a crush on Hawk, her brother’s swoon-worthy best friend." Hawk? seriously? Why not call her 'Dove' since she's so lonesome? According to the cover, there's so much heat rising off this dude's body that he has to hold his hat down lest it take flight like a hot air balloon. Yep - the story is full of hot air too, more than likely.
Until We Break by Cynthia Dane, Hildred Billings
"As Stefani Valetti runs her family’s picturesque Oregon winery, she longs for companionship — so she turns to an international service to find a bride." This might not have been so bad except for that godawful title which just screams no.
The Ariane Trilogy The Complete Box Set by Michelle Dare
Because you can never ever ever have enough werewolf stories. "Ari finds comfort in her favorite fantasy novels — but she’ll soon learn they’re all true! When wolf shifter Orion steps off the page and into Ari’s life, she becomes part of the Avynwood Pack" Orion? Really? And she's a part of the pack whether she likes it or not? Another controlling alpha male bullshit story written by a woman about a subjugated woman. Why? Maybe I should blame the readers, because if no one bought this shit, surely authors would stop writing it, wouldn't they? Maybe not. It's like an addiction, I suspect, and these turkeys won't grow cold. Spoiler: there's no box. Really.
The Crown Jewels Boxed Set by Melanie Summers
"Bridget Jones meets The Princess Diaries" That's me out right there. If the blurb pretends that you, as an author, are really someone else, or worse, a mashup of two other people, well, that's an insult, not a recommendation. It tells me nothing about this novel because I haven't read either of those other series. What I want to know is what's in this book, not what's in other books, and if you're too fricking lazy as a blurb writer to actually write a decent description, instead substituting some shit you know about under the arrogant assumption that all potential readers will automatically know this too, then you're not telling me about the book - you're telling me instead that you're an asshole, and need to find work in some institution that welcomes assholes, such as the Republican party. We're done here.
Elemental by Whitney Hill
"Fans of Kim Harrison will enjoy this spellbinding paranormal series starter, set in North Carolina!" Who the fuck is Kim Harrison, and why is it important that you mention it's set in N Carolina? "Private investigator Arden Finch practices forbidden magic ..." Now if her name was Ellie Menthol, I'd definitely be interested, but Arden Finch? Seriously? We're done here.
The Accidental Alchemist by Gigi Pandian
"As alchemist Zoe unpacks in her new home, she discovers a living gargoyle in her luggage." That's all we need - yet another cute Disney pet in a story, because that's never been done before (notably in Sapphire Blue By Kerstin Gier). I'll pass on this one. Yawn.
The Columbus Affair by Steve Berry
"A disgraced journalist is thrust into a deadly game after learning the secret history of Christopher Columbus — a conspiracy that could shatter the foundations of the US." Seriously? Fuck. This. Pretentious. Shit.
The Keepers of Metsan Valo by Wendy Webb
"After Anni’s grandmother passes away, her entire family reunites at Metsan Valo, the family home on Lake Superior." Of course they do because this is yet another tedious family gathering with dark revelations in a tired, retreaded plot that's been done to death already. Yawn
Lila Lou’s Little Library: A Gift From the Heart by Sejung Kim , Nikki Bergstresser
"Books are here, books are there, books are everywhere at bookworm Lila Lou’s house. When her mom tells her that she has too many, Lila Lou comes up with a plan to start a little neighborhood library." The saddest thing about this story is that the hardback is seventeen dollars. The ebook is two bucks. Hardly anyone is going to buy the hardback, which could have been loaned out in lila Lou's library. The ebook cannot. That hardback could also have been donated to Goodwill or someplace similar. The ebook cannot. The irony of this seems lost on this book's creators.
Snaggle Tooth by Pamela Fagan Hutchins
In yet another 'out or retirement and into the fray' cloned story, "Patrick Flint is looking forward to a weekend camping with his son and daughter — but when a plane crashes deep in the Wyoming mountains near their campsite, he races to the rescue." Abandoning his kids to the elements, because he's the only person on planet Earth who can save the day. Just call him Donald why don't you? And how is he going on a weekend camping trip, yet it's "deep in the Wyoming mountains." If he can get there for a weekend trip, rescue services can sure as hell get there faster than he can and they don't have to abandon their kids. Yet another dumb-ass, unimaginative cookie cutter plot. Yawn
A Death in the Family by James Agee
"After he learns that his father is having a medical emergency and drives off into the night, Jay Follet gets into a car accident. In the aftermath, his family struggles to process the tragedy. That's the story? The blurb isn't even literate. Is it the father having the medical emergency who drives off onto the night? LOL! That's what the blurb writer wrote. It's really not surprising. It's well known that publishers typically employ congenital idots to write these things. What a bunch of crap.
Jet by Ana Night / Earned Run by Haven Hadley
Jet by Ana Night
"Walker has long had a secret crush on his best friend, Jet. After they share a kiss, Jet is determined to prove that he’s serious about becoming more than just friends. But dangerous outside forces threaten to end their romance just as it’s getting started."
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Earned Run by Haven Hadley
"After pro baseball player Ayden and down-on-his-luck waiter Rome collide in a car accident, Ayden offers his place to Rome to recover. Together in close quarters, their chemistry ignites — but to have a future, Ayden must chip away at the walls around Rome’s heart."
How are these two stories, under the skin, any different at all? it;s the same warmed over dogs dinner. Yawn.
A Sinister Gift by Jacinthe Dessureault
After police social worker Elenora Bello becomes pregnant, she begins experiencing premonitions of future crimes - and she soon realizes that her strange new abilities are the key to solving a centuries-old Montréal murder. First in a series!" Of course it is. But what does it have to offer that's new? A psychic who can never get the clear impression that it was Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the conservatory. No. They never, ever, ever get that. It's always uselessly vague impressions tediously dragged out over the course of the novel. There is nothing more boring than that. And given that she gets her vague clues at a glacial pace, how is that any better than the usual police method? So what's new here? The baby? Yawn.
Knot My Type by Evie Mitchell
"When sexologist Frankie gets a call from a podcast listener in a bind, she seeks advice from gorgeous carpenter Jay — who’s all too eager to teach her the ropes in bed." Of course he is. he;s a guy. is this a sotry? No! Knot even close. Yawn.
Juliana by Vanda
This started out in first person which is irritating to me at best, but it started chapter one, set in 1941, and had a single paragraph talking about people waiting in line as fans of this actor, and the narrator says, "But wait; I'm getting ahead of myself. All that came much later." It switched to a new screen, started chapter one again and went into a flashback. I decided "No thanks!" right there and then, and I quit.
Something this badly written and with flashbacks and in first person is not for me. I can't commend it. I don't think this author understands the use of a charcter history. She seems to feel that she needs to include everything in the book instead of using it as background to round out the author's own understanding of the character. And the last thing I need is to start the first paragraph of a story I'm hoping to enjoy only to have it brought to a screeching halt while we travel even further back in time for a boring and tedious history lesson. No. Uh-uh. Not for me. I have better things to do with my time than to read a dithering story that has no sense of self, and no idea how to proceed.
Crazy For A Geek Girl by Nicolette Dane
I quit reading this as soon as I read "But because I’m kind of girly, a lot of people don’t see it." - What they don't see is that she's a lesbian. While I do share a preference for women, I'm not a lesbian and I cannot speak for them, but for me I found this offensive that the implication here is that lesbians can't be girly, which I know for a fact is entirely untrue. It's like the author expects us to accept that all lesbians are macho and butch, which is bullshit. I couldn't stand to read any firther beyidn that point. The story seemed obsessed with geekiness abd very ltitle else other thans ex, so once again there's no romance here, and no sensuality. I had the disastisfying feeling that this was going to be about falling in lust, not in love and that doesn't interest me.
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