Cows Have No Top Teeth by Kelly Tills

Rating: WARTY!

From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.

This is the first to two related books I got for review purposes from Net Galley. They were by the same author, and were two small volumes in a series of short, illustrated children's books about interesting animal facts, which I thought might be fun. The problem was that they both were unreadable.

They came in three reading options. One was the Kindle version, which I knew would be a disaster, but which I sent to my Kindle app anyway, and got exactly what I'd expected. Actually I got less than I expected, because I expected at least to have some images that were sliced, diced, and julienned, which is what Kindle routinely does to anything that's not plain vanilla text. Instead I got completely blank screens! This isn't even the kindling I expected Amazon's crappy, limited, and destructive system to deliver.

Not losing heart, I progressed to one of the two other options Net Galley offered, which was an epub format. Usually there is no problem here, but in this case, it was almost as bad as the Kindle. At least I could see the images for the book's pages, but they were truncated. Normally, if a book runs to two pages, you half-expect it to be chopped up in electronic format, but the other half of the image was not on the next screen - it was gone completely! This meant that sometimes the image had been chopped, but usually it meant that the text had been curtailed and was unreadable because so much of it was missing.

Finally, there was a Net Galley reading app format, which normally is acceptable, but with which I've occasionally had problems. In this case, what I got was exactly the same result I got from the epub version: seriously bowdlerized images and text. Both of these books suffered the same problems. I honestly do not know how a publisher can distribute a book in this condition. Did no one think to check?! I imagine these books were designed from the ground up as print books, but we reviewers still need them to be legible in the electronic version!

Normally I like to positively review children's books if they have any redeeming features at all, but this one had zero. Consequently I have no choice but to declare this book warty to the max!

Twelve Days to Save Christmas by Elizabeth Neep

Rating: WARTY!

"When her boyfriend dumps her shortly before Christmas, Poppy hatches a plan to win him back, including volunteering at a community center. But as she discovers a new side of herself through her work, the holiday miracle she gets may be something entirely unexpected!" Everyone else - quite literally everyonr else on the entire planet expected that, so why didn't this dumb-ass expect it? Yawn.

A Murderous Tangle by Sally Goldenbaum

Rating: WARTY!

"A village business owner turns up dead as the Seaside Knitters prepare for their holiday showcase. Now it’s up to the friends to untangle the truth and catch a killer!" Unfortunately, they spend so much time knitting their brows that the police solve the ct\rime before these assholes can manage to get to it, and it really needles them.... Yawn.

Dance of a Burning Sea EJ Mellow

Rating: WARTY!

"When notorious pirate lord Alōs Ezra is exiled from the Thief Kingdom, he threatens to hold captivating sorceress Niya Bassette hostage to negotiate a pardon — but after boarding his ship, a dangerous attraction begins blooming between them" Of course it does because a brutal kidnapper deserves to have his victim fall for him. It's only right. Right? What a towering heap of crap this idea is. Why would he care if he was exiled? He's a fucking pirate! And why can't the sorceress end him and escape? And why the fuck is he a pirate lord, exactly? What the hell does that even mean?! Barf.

Seven Deadly Sequins by Julie Anne Lindsey

Rating: WARTY!

"After dress shop owner Bonnie Balfour’s grandmother Gigi confronts a former friend about a stolen recipe," Seriously? That's your motive? Yawn. "...the thief ends up dead — and Gigi’s fingerprints are found all over the murder weapon! Now Bonnie must don her sleuthing cap and team up with her feline sidekick, Clyde, to figure out whodunit." Because yeah, a cat named Clyde will figure it out. Geeze! Barf.

The Marquess of Gorsewall Manor by Adella J Harris

Rating: WORTHY!

This was a beautifully-written novel about two gay men, set in the Regency period, which despite its 300-some page length, was a delightful and fast read for me. It's not one of your smutty bare-chested muscle guy on the cover erotic story, which are so cliched and overdone that I canlt even get past the absurdist book blurb. Such novels are typically execrable, but this was thoughtful, well-paced, considereate, intelligent, and offered plenty to keep a reader occupied. There were some sex scenes, but not many, and those were tastefully done, and believe it or not, this was written in first person, a voice I usually detest, but it was well done. Once in a while an author can carry it off and I appreciated this author's light touch.

The story makes a reader feel they are back in the Regency without being too heavy-handed about it or imparting the feeling that the author is yelling, "Hey, look how much research I did!" It was easy to read and made a lot of sense in how it was put together, and in how the relationship developed realistically between the two main characters: naturally and thoughtfully.

Thomas Brook works in a lower-level legal job in London. He's gay, but discreet, and it's only through bad luck that he's arrested in a molly house and brought to trial on charges of indecency which back then would net you a time in the public pillory and a couple of years of hard labor. Why they considered locking up a gay guy with a whole bunch of other guys to be a real punishment is a question that's worth asking, but as it happened, Thomas didn't get that far. Due to laxity and confusin during the pillorying process, he manages to get away and immedately starts sneaking onto the back of stagecoaches heading north, paying for an occasional meal by offering discreet oral sex to certainly likely travelers or locals when he feels it's safe to do so.

Eventually though, his luck runs out and he's forced to take to his feet again, and ends up passed out on the moors. Not by coincidence, he's discovered before further harm can befall him, by Lord Elmsby, who also happens to be gay and dealing with issues of his own. Elmsby takes Thomas on as a cataloguer of his library until the latter gets back on his feet, and the two start to develop a mutual liking.

Elmsby's history includes a scandal several years before, when his fiancée disappeared without a trace, so he leads a solitary life now and Thomas is a welcome novelty - at least at first. But when a body surfaces on the moors, Thomas is left wondering what he's got himself into.

As I said, the story was engaging and entertaining, warm and enjoyable, although the murderer was quite obvious from quite early, and I'm usually bad about figuring out who the perp is in such stories. That didnlt spoilt he sotry for me though. It offered variety and entertainment, and was nicely-written with only a couple of minor spelling gaffs that I didn't bother over. I fully commend this as a worthy read.

A Quick & Easy Guide to Asexuality by Molly Muldoon, Will Hernandez

Rating: WORTHY!

From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.

It pains me to have to say that this non-fiction 'graphic novel' style of a book will likely not get read by anywhere near as many people as need to read it, and especially not by the ones who have most to learn from it. It's not aimed just at the LGBTQIAP+ community, but also at everyone else. As such, and indeed like that acronym (LGBTQIAP+), it tries to be so inclusive that it risks becoming too nebulous and on one occasion led to a faux pas, but overall, it's a very worthy read for anyone who needs a sort of a baseline introduction into what can be a briar-patch topic.

The problem with this subject, asexuality, as I mentioned in my review of Julia Sondra Decker's book The Invisible Orientation: is that there's a lot of nebulousness inherent in it, and if it isn't handled properly, being vague and fuzzy around the edges can do more harm than good. That's actually why I didn't like the Decker book, a reference to which is included in this book in an all-too-brief section at the end (and in which the author's name is mispelled! It's Decker, not Decke!) My beef with this vague approach is that, in reference to the present work, it risks confirming any possible a priori reader conceptions - such as that asexuality really isn't a thing, or that it's a condition, or that it can be 'cured' with some good therapy.

For me, this book did have a positive approach which made things clear - and it reinforced those things, and typically did not undermine the message by meandering or rambling, or otherwise muddying the water, although my understanding is that the 'A' in LGBTQIAP+ refers to asexual (and including aromantic and agender) and does not refer to 'ally', as important as those are. I think this is a problem with inclusivity: in trying to get as much support as possible and inviting everyone under the banner, the community has sometimes made itself a source of disenchantment and disagreement about who exactly should be in, as it were, and perhaps risking diluting the message, which ultimately and in simple form, is that there's nothing wrong with being different.

This disagreement has been running through the movement for decades and in a variety of forms though. People have asked, 'should the community only by gay and lesbian, and other persuasions, orientations, statuses (or however you want to term them) should be under a different banner?' Others might argue that LGBTQI should be in but the 'A' not included, and so on. In short, it's a bit of a mess. Frankly, for me, there are much bigger battles to fight, and these relatively petty skirmishes are not helpful. This is precisely why these various groups need to work together. Maybe once the big battle is won, those disagreements will not seem so important.

But I liked this book. I like that it keeps it simple and straight forward, to reduce the risk of confusing issues and confusing people. It was short and well-written by Molly Muldoon, and it was decently illustrated and diversly-drawn in grayscale by Will Hernandez, so it's very much an own-voices publication. That doesn't mean everyone will agree with how it was written here, but it does mean it's another source of information. It has a light tone and is very informative. It sends a positive and clear message, and I considered it a worthy read.

Ride With Me by Lucy Keating

Rating: WARTY!

"...neighborhood rideshare driver Charlie Morgan" You know if a female character is named Charlie it's a non-starter. "...embarks on a collision course with love when she crashes into the school’s cute but annoying" That 'cute but annoying' or variations thereof, is a loser approach too. It's been done to death already. This blurb writer needs a new shtick - badly! "...party boy and wrecks his car and her no-strings-attached attitude toward life." Yeah, that makes me thoroughly uninterested in reading anything about that dickhead female character. Barf.

Saucer by Stephen Coonts

Rating: WARTY!

Isn't this just a re-write of Sphere?! "When Rip Cantrell discovers a centuries-old flying saucer in the Sahara desert, it isn’t long before the world’s elite will try to steal its secrets." So naturally the best people to handle this object are: the Americans! Because it has nothing to do with the locals. Colonize much? If there's one thing worse than cultural appropriation, it's nation appropriation.... Barf.

Ninth City Burning by J Patrick Black

Rating: WARTY!

"On a devastated future Earth, military cadet Jax and migrant Naomi join an epic quest to stop a terrifying alien invasion!" as opposed to those invasions that aren't remotely terrifying and in fact are quite fun? Barf. And once again, we have the most oveer-employed go-to guy Jack - or in thsi futuristic version, Jax, which is just as bad. Do these authors have no imagination? So, no thanks. I'll catch the next "terrifying invasion."

Edge of Magic by Jayne Faith

Rating: WARTY!

I made it about a third the way through this before I gave up because it was turning into your usual trope YA story with a troubled protaginist and a studly, chiseled wolfman coming to her rescue. Because, as you well know, women are useless on their own, according to far too many female YA writers. As far as I read, it hadn't quite progressed to her being tearful in his manly arms, but it sure as hell was on the steep and slippery downslide to the end, which is why I quit reading it. Just once in a while! Just once in a while, it would be nice to have an authro surprise me and to read something that isn't warmed-over; that isn't shit-scared to take a different tack, you know? It almost never happens.

That's why I write. To fill that yearning gap. It makes me wonder what's wrong with people - not just the pandering lackluster authors, but the limp fucks who read this shit. Don't they ever wish for something new and original? Soemthign jsut that bit different? Maybe that's the problem - they want no difference, or just that little bit of difference. Anything else scares them, because otherwise why would they seem to be so happy with this drab and boring pap? This is likely why I will never sell anything in significant numbers because I quite literally cannto write that badly. I cannot be that uninventive or derivative.

I should have known from the off, when I read the word 'fae' in the book blurb that this wasn't for me. Any author who is too chickenshit to call 'em fairies is not for me. The character names sucked, too: Tara Knightley and Judah McMahon? Really? But I liked the idea of a thief trying to pay off a debt to an unscruptulous jerk. I liked that she wasn't all powerful. It was just that trope tryst which turned me right off, because it was so predictbale and so utterly boring. Could she not once have chosen a path that's not so oft-taken? I guess not.

On top of this Tara is a bit onf a one-note whiner. I know she's had troubles, but her constant referencing of them is tedious and depressing, especially since she seems not to really be trying very hard to dig her way out. If she had tried as much as she gripes, she'd have paid off her debt five years ago! Judah is equally trope, having hotness and wealth as his only qualities. They haven't had any contact in a decade since he left after a falling out, yet neither has moved on. It's pathetic: sad, predictable, and boring.

On top of all that, Tara is the sole breadwinner and provider for all the people who live in the house and she doesn't even get her own room, much less any gratitude or assistance from anyone to pay bills. And she has no problem with this (apart from her internal monolgue whining)! It's all too extreme.

The Black Tides of Heaven by JY Yang

Rating: WARTY!

This was a mess, and not even a hot one. It was so boring that I twice tried to get into it and failed in short order both times, ending up DNF-ing it. There was nothing to hold onto, nothing drawing me in, nothing that that stirred my interest. I resent that I paid for this. I think I'm going to flat-out quit reading any story from now on that features twins.

The very short novel, which I encountered in audiobook form read by the sadly unengaging Nancy Wu, is supposedly about Mokoya and Akeha. The former has a gift of prophecy, the latter an ability to see motivations in people, but in the portion I could stand to listen to, they never really used these gifts to much effect. It seems they were involved not in a story but in a succession of cameos fighting fantastical monsters, and then boring would happen for a while, until the next monster presented itself for extermination. The story was rambling and tedious, and once I realized it really wasn't going anywhere, I had no interest in continuing with it. I can't commend it based on what I heard.

Thicker than Blood by Mike Omer

Rating: WARTY!

"FBI profiler Zoe Bentley and agent Tatum Gray think nothing can shake them — until they come across a serial killer who may be drinking his victims’ blood. Worse, this killer might be the same as the one who has been haunting Zoe since she was a child." Oh look! The protagonist with a haunted past! How original. This is a must-read...something else instead!

The Scarlet Ruse by John D MacDonald

Rating: WARTY!

"...washed-up detective Travis McGee is dragged back into the sleuthing game." Oh look: the out of commission protagonist dragged back into the fray - because that's never been done before. Yawn.

The President’s Daughter by Bill Clinton, James Patterson

Rating: WARTY!

"When former president Matthew Keating’s daughter is abducted, her safety becomes a matter of national security." Why? Did she spy on her dad when he was at work? Naturally, because she's a white girl, and a rich one at that, she's far more important than any other kidnapping or lost child. Yawn. And did Bill Clinton really write this? Really? This man had at least four different speechwriters when he was at the height of his power, and now we're expected to believe he's writing his own novels? If so, why is Patterson involved? I have no time for either of these guys. Sorry, but no cigar.

Sage Gardens Cozy Mystery Box Set Books 1–4 by Cindy Bell

Rating: WARTY!

"In this delightful box set, four senior sleuths draw upon their professional skills to solve mysterious murders in the seemingly idyllic Sage Gardens retirement community." So wait, there are four, count 'em four murders in this one retirement comunity and no one thinks this is at all bizarre? If it were true, people would be flocking out of this community in droves. I can imagine the publicity literature for the community would say something like, "Come and live in our idyllic community - we haven't had a murder this week - yet!"

And the police are so useless, as usual, that four retirees are solving the crimes? What are their 'professional skills'? Judged by other such crappy mystery novels, they have to be: knitting, cup-cake baking, bookstore managing, and porn-movie making. Just kidding on that last one, I can guarantee you there's zero sex of any sort in any way in any of these four novels because as everyone knows, old folks don't even think about sex, let alone have any! Barf.

Eliza Starts a Rumor by Jane L Rosen

Rating: WARTY!

"Brimming with charm, Eliza Starts a Rumor is everything I look for in a book" according to Emily Henry. I have no idea who the hell that is, so why should I care what she thinks? There's no one on Earth who knows me well enough to reliably predict whether I will enjoy a novel or a movie or a TV show. Even I can't always be sure if I will go for it, so it sure as hell isn't someone I never heard of who is oging to nail it! Fictional books with a woman's name in the title, no matter what the genre, somehow tend to be the most uninteresting of novels. They're not the same as those featuring a female prominently as a character, but without posting it in the title. It's like the least able writers know their limitations, and feel forced to put a woman's name in the title in desperate hopes of attracting interest. "For empty nester Eliza, her local Hudson Valley virtual bulletin board keeps her sane" This is how boring this main charcter is! This is her life? No thanks! I don't want to hear about it. The fact that the idiot book blurb writer even describes her as an 'empty nester', like that's a quality, is insulting. And who the hell is called Eliza anymore?

The Kat Dubois Chronicles Books 1–3 by Lindsey Sparks aka Lindsey Fairleigh

Rating: WARTY!

Lindsey Sparks aka Lindsey Fairleigh? She's openly admitted that she lied about who she is, but I get the point even less as to why she's now admitting her deceit. Go figure. Only recently have I read of a scandal in Spain where three men were 'outed' as it were, as impersonating a female author - one they invented to sell novels. Admittedly fiction breeds fiction, and one may well ask, if we're writing lies for entertainment, why does it matter if we lie about who writes the lies? It turns out that author Carmen Mola is really Agustín Martínez, Antonio Mercero, and Jorge Díaz! They won an award!

Actual female author Beatriz Gimeno complained that It wasn't just the name, it was the fake profile they used to deceive readers and journalists. She called them scammers. How is what they did any different from what literally scores of writers have been doing for years? You may say, well they crossed a line when they changed gender, but what was it Joanne Rowling did after Harry Potter? She started a series of novels writing as a man: Robert Galbraith! 'He' even has 'his' own website! What the Spanish authors did is no different. It's a deliberate attempt to deceive and mislead readers for the sake of selling books. I've documented over a dozen of these in my reviews, and I'm sure there are scores more.

The 'chronicles' in the title is an automatic rejection from me, and that's even before I read the blurb! "When her brother goes missing, former assassin and immortal Kat is promptly pulled out of retirement." So it's another 'someone coming out of retirement', because "only I can fix it" trumped up, retreaded clone of a story. "Facing a slew of old enemies and her own demons" plus a main character haunted by demons! And the charcter's name is the tired and over-used Kat? Really? How old is this whole idea? How trope? How overdone is it? How boring? How unimaginative is it? How uninventive? Barf.

Desire Lines by Christina Baker Kline

Rating: WARTY!

"A decade after her friend’s disappearance, Jennifer returns to her small Maine hometown to untangle the truth." That's my problem right there: why did this dipshit sit around doing nothing for a decade, letting trails go cold, and then decide to investigate? This is one in a long line of cookie-cutter stories that all follow this same dumb-ass pattern. Yawn.

Relics by RD Shah

Rating: WARTY!

"Archaeology professor Alex Harker races to escape a ruthless assassin and decode the clues to an ancient conspiracy! Fans of Dan Brown will enjoy this fast-moving tale of intrigue and adventure." Sure, if you enjoy know-it-all "Americans" riding rough-shod over foreign cultures, because you can never have enough of that.... The fact that it has 'chronicles' on the cover is a warning right there, and the fact that on the author's own website, he demonstrates that he doesn't know the difference between a 'millennia' and a 'millennium' is enough to keep me well-away from this bandwagon.

Melt for You by JT Geissinger

Rating: WARTY!

That title right there says "Run, don't walk, away from this sleazy trash!" The asinine blurb says, "If shy Joellen Bixby wants to woo her boss, she’ll need some flirting lessons from the playboy next door!" How is a straight, cis playboy going to teach a shy (read: virgin) woman how to flirt with a guy? "Scottish rugby captain Cameron McGregor may not be her type, but she happens to be his dream woman" so naturally he's going to own her because that's what women are for, right? Their only use is to be ogled and owned, and their only purpose is to satisfy men, and their only goal is to chase men. I knwo this because there are literally hudnreds fo female authors broadcastign it on a daily basis. Barf.

The Ellie O’Conner Suspense Series Books I–IV by Jack Hardin

Rating: WARTY!

"Elle retired from a career in the CIA to find some peace and quiet in sleepy Pine Island, Florida," because you can never have enough stories where a retiree comes out of retirement because they alone can fix it. Yawn. Note that this is not books one through four, it's books eye to eye-vee, okay? Because, Roman times, you know?

The Pretty Ones by Robin Mahle

Rating: WARTY!

"In this gripping crime thriller, a twisted serial killer" As opposed to a perfectly normal, well-balanced serial killer? Barf. This should be up for some dumb-ass of the year award for book blurbs. "...whose victims have only one thing in common — their beauty — stalks the streets of Los Angeles." Yeah - because we desperately need another novel about how beauty is by far the most important thing that any woman can lay claim to. "As the body count rises, can FBI special agent Kate Reid and the LAPD crack the case before more lives are taken?" Not if the body-count is rising. This book blurb writer is definitely way up there in the dumb-ass stakes. Will they catch the killer? LOL! Is that a serious question or yet another dumb-ass one? Another dumb-ass blurb from a leading dumb-ass writer of dumb-ass book blurbs.

The Five Senses Set by Andre Norton

Rating: WARTY!

This is a purported 'magical collection of adventures" from 'one of the all-time masters' according to Peter Straub. Peter Who? LOL! And I've never even heard of this author so how is he an all-time master? The blurb is useless: "To save their worlds from evil, three powerful women must stand up to corruption, violence, and wizardry." Yeah, that tells me a whole heck of a lot, but the real mystery here is that this is called the five senses collection, yet there are only three volumes. I guess that makes it senseless and we should give it the finger?

The Sweet Shop of Second Chances by Hannah Lynn

Rating: WARTY!

"When city girl Holly’s life falls apart, she begins anew in the quaint, cozy village of her youth" How many times has this story been told? It's the same story as "Sweet Revenge" by Morgana Best. The endless capacity of far too many female authors for telling and retelling the same tired old story of weak women running away, never fails to astound me.