Reese Witherspoon apparently declared this to be "A beautiful novel that’s full of forbidden passions, family secrets, and a lot of courage and sacrifice" I mean, who cares what it's about! "She" recommends it! Well, if she recommends it, I'm out. This is the woman who, in 2013, was arrested for disorderly conduct after her husband was stopped on suspicion of DWI. She then had the snotty pretentiousness to ask the police officer, doing his job, "Do you know my name? You’re about to find out who I am! You’re about to be on national news." In short, she's an asshole and I would never want any book I wrote to be remotely associated with her name.
Monday, November 1, 2021
Ninth City Burning by J Patrick Black
"On a devastated future Earth, military cadet Jax and migrant Naomi join an epic quest to stop a terrifying alien invasion!" as opposed to those invasions that aren't remotely terrifying and in fact are quite fun? Barf. And once again, we have the most over-employed go-to guy Jack - or in this futuristic version, Jax, which is just as bad. Do these authors have no imagination? So, no thanks. I'll catch the next "terrifying invasion." And what's with that ninth city? I'll bet it's the ninth US city, not the ninth in the world, because who cares if the rest of the world is burning?!
Looking for Rachel Wallace by Robert B Parker
"When the woman private eye Spenser was hired to protect disappears," it means he's an utterly incompetent, useless asshole and we shouldn't read anything more about him. Any novel with a woman's name in the title prefixed by a 'looking for' or an 'in search of' is an automatic piece of shit, so the decision is a no-brainer - as is his story.
Zero Cool by Michael Crichton aka John Lange
"A lively thriller about an American doctor whose European vacation turns into a death-defying hunt for ancient secrets." So, Crichton has outright lied to people about who he is and now he's owning up to it, we're expecting to reward his estate by buying more of his right-wing diatribes? No. Not me.
Her Best Friend’s Lie by Laura Wolfe
"Five college friends rent a remote cabin on a lake, expecting an idyllic reunion. But some of them are keeping chilling secrets" Anyone want to hazard a guess as to how many times has this exact same story has been told already? Far too many, that's for sure. Barf. Some authors seriously need to get a clue.
Billionaire’s Matchmaker by Sierra Cartwright
"For professional matchmaker Hope, finding a wife for Rafe is just another job — until the sexy billionaire decides to claim her for his own." Ri-ight, because she's not a person, she's a piece of property to be claimed and owned. If any book needs to be banned, it's this kind of fucked up shit, for sure. Authors who write this trash should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I wish them all the lack of sales in the world.
The Scarlet Rose by Valia Lind
"An enchanting Beauty and the Beast retelling." Of course it is, because if there's one thing this planet so desperately needs, it's yet another tired retelling of yet another tired fairytale that's only been done a score of dozens of times already. Yawn.
The Ghosts of Marshley Park by Amanda Innes
"When 16-year-old Jade wakes up in a graveyard and realizes she’s dead, she meets Victorian ghost Julian." Of course she does because if there's one thing that so many female YA authors have worked so very hard to so consistently establish it's that a woman, even a ghost woman, is utterly useless without a guy to prop her up. Barf. So this sixteen year old girl is now dating a hundred year old guy, who nevertheless behaves as though he's the same age as she is? Okay. And despite being around for a century, observing society changing, Julian is going to be utterly overwhelmed by this thoroughly modern force of nature that is sixteen year old Jade? Yawn. I've read more interesting tombstones.
The Dig by Steven F Freeman
"When two archaeologists are murdered and another goes missing, army veteran Alton and FBI agent Mallory are sent to the dig site to investigate." Of course they are because it has to be a relationship between one man and one woman otherwise it's unnatural. Yawn. And why the fuck is an army veteran going along? For his archaeological expertise? No, it's because he's going to rescue the poor useless weak woman. Fuck. This. Shit. But to be completely fair, what a stunningly original and inventive title this novel has....
The Stationmaster’s Cottage by Phillipa Nefri Clark
"After Christie inherits a ramshackle seaside cottage, she discovers mysterious wedding rings and a collection of love letters in the attic — and is swept up in a romantic story 50 years in the making." Anyone want to hazard a guess as to how many times has this exact same story has been told already? Far too many, that's for sure. Barf. Some authors seriously need to get a clue. Reference "Summer at Hideaway Key" by Barbara Davis, non-reviewed this month. It's the exact same story.
Sierra's Homecoming by Linda Lael Miller
"After moving to her family’s ranch with her son, Sierra finds herself falling for its handsome caretaker, Travis. And as her past begins to spill into her present, Sierra discovers that some love stories are as old as time." No, they're really not, because writers like this one, who evidently don't have an original bone in their body, keep retreading and republishing these same stories over and over again! Yawn.
Sherwood Outlaws Complete Box Set by Hayley Osborn
"When Maryanne is transported back in time to medieval England, she finds herself shaping a scoundrel named Robin Hood into the legend he’s fated to become." Oh puleaze! This woman goes back and has a YA romance, I'll bet, with zero problems in culture, language, gender politics, or anything else. Barf. No thanks! Dumb from the ground up. The author desperately needs some new zeal and this book should be ground up. And recycled. This, for example, is an exact copy of "King Arthur and Her Knights" by KM Shea with just a few name changes. I 'non-review. that above. Do these authors not have an original bone in their body?
Sweet Beginnings by Nicole Ellis
"When Dahlia" Dahlia? Really? How florid! "...returns to her late aunt’s seaside estate, she’s surprised to discover a run-down house and a struggling bookshop." Why surprised? She hadn't ever visited her old aunt, yet she's rewarded for that neglect by this bequest? Sounds fair. "With the help of handsome neighbor Garrett," Ri-ight, because every woman's endgame is a handsome and perfect guy.... "Book one in a series!" A series of what, exactly? Of Dahlia constantly having property willed to her from one death after another, going there, finding it run down and attached to a bookshop, or a cup-cake bakery, or a knitting shop, and meeting a handsome man? Barf. Sorry, but that story had already been done to death long before this unimaginative author cloned it for her own purposes.
She Rides Shotgun by Jordan Harper
"After her father, Nate, is released from prison, shy 11-year-old Polly joins him on the lam to escape the white supremacist group that has marked her for death." So essentially a re-write of True Grit. Got it. Yawn. Jordan Harper is the perfect name for the author of this story. Either that or Harper Jordan.
Summer at Hideaway Key by Barbara Davis
This whole title is a turn-off. Hideaway Key? Summer at this key? No thanks! "After inheriting her father’s quaint beach house, Lily unearths old journals that reveal surprising family secrets" No, it's not a surprise. It's entirely predictable because all these stories are exactly the same "...and embarks on her own journey of self-discovery." What, she didn't already know she existed? Wow. What a dumb-ass. Diane Chamberlain, whoever the fuck she is, says, "A story that moved me to tears." It would have the same effect on me, but I doubt for the same reason. Yawn.
Gone Again by James Grippando
"After a teenage girl disappears, Dylan is arrested when a piece of her clothing is found in his truck. It seems his fate is sealed — until Sashi’s mother claims to receive a call from her missing daughter… Can lawyer Jack prove a man’s innocence before he’s put to death?" How is he going to be convicted on one flimsy piece of evidence? This is the dumbest thing since the last novel this author wrote. And no, innocence does not have to be proved - guilt does! And the cliché of having Jack as your go-to character? Tired. Very tired. Yawn.
Boy Banned by RJ Scott
"When they both fail to qualify for Sing UK, Corey and Angel are given a chance to perform together in a boy band. But is it worth sacrificing who they are in order to achieve their dreams?" This author writes like there isn't a thriving community of performers self-releasing songs and putting up videos all over the Internet, where people get noticed, get acclaim, get contracts, get wealthy. What a maroon! Yawn.
Thorn Jack by Katherine Harbour
"When 17-year-old Finn moves to the sleepy town of Fair Hollow, she’s inexplicably drawn to enigmatic Jack" Again with the Jack-ass! It's jacked-up! It should be illegal to ever again use the name 'Jack' as the 'go to' lad in adventure stories. it's time to jack it in. It's been fucking done-to-death. Stop. Please stop! Get a clue. Try something original for once in your sorry life. I know you think it's a safe, Harbour, but it really isn't. This jack of all trades is a jack-off.
Sex and Vanity by Kevin Kwan
"When Lucie meets George on vacation, she can’t stand him — but something keeps pulling them together." Of course it does because you know the most natural and longlasting relationships on Earth are between people who have nothing on common and can't stand each other. And they never end up murdering each other. Barf.
Black Ocean Galaxy Outlaws Mission Pack 1 Missions 1–4 by JS Morin
"A box set" - so where's the box? There's no box here. "...of rollicking space missions" See? It's that 'rollicking' that turns me right off, but it gets worse. "Aboard the starship Mobius," Oh how cute! "Captain Carl Ramsey and his ragtag crew" See? ragtag. Right there. They're a rollicking ragtag crew. Where did this book blurb writer get their training? The International Retreaded Cliché School (IRCS for short)? Barf. This is a no-no. Black ocean might seem like a cool metaphor for space, but the ocean, as traveled by your everyday pirate ship, is a two-dimensional world. Space is not, and way too many sci-fi writers, especially in the universe of space operas, forget that far too readily. There's no reason whatsoever to think this will be any different - not with that tired and uninventive book blurb.
Brit vs Scot by Anna Durand
"His brother’s destination wedding at a nudist resort gives Grey Dixon time to win over the woman of his dreams - his best friend, Jessica O’Connor." And why would he need time to win her over when she's his best friend already? Another dumb-as-fuck non-romance by an author who, more likely than not, has never been to Britain. The reason I say this is that she seems not to understand that 'Brit(ish)' means a national or native of the United Kingdom - which includes Scotland. So what the fuck, exactly, does the title mean?
Chef’s Kiss by Stephanie Shea
"Valentina Rosas is fresh out of culinary school, eager to prove herself at the job she just landed. Jenn Coleman is the renowned chef of two Michelin-starred restaurants. When Valentina runs into Jenn — literally — things aren’t off to a great start… but soon the kitchen isn’t the only thing heating up!" Seriously that's your book description? That's the best you got? A tediously trope non-romance because you know it's going to be all about hot bodies and sex, and not a word about any other facets of a real relationship. Barf.
Christmas Bump by Trisha Ridinger McKee
"After Winona learns she’s pregnant, she decides it’s time to leave her sheltered life behind and moves to a quaint town famous for its Christmas festival." And the father is going to...what? And how is a quaint town different from her sheltered life? Barf! "But is there room in her new routine for Cooper, the charming local she’s falling for?" Is that a serious question? This whole set-up sounds bad in every aspect.
Love Unleashed by Julie Evelyn Joyce
"Hannah Barker wants to open a new dog park," Barker? Dog park? Are you kidding me? "...but the logistics have made her rivals with Kent Clarkson," Clark Kent? Really? What a super man he must be. "...a concerned single dad." Of course he is. "Before long, they’re going at it like cats and dogs." Of course they are. "But their bickering can’t hide their growing attraction forever." Of course it can't, because this exact same story has been told and retold a billion times. Obviously the best person to hook up with is the one you detest most, because they're never going to lose it with you and kill you in your sleep. Barf.
In Her Wake by Amanda Jennings
“Hauntingly beautiful” (Clare Mackintosh) - who the fuck is Clare Mackintosh and why the hell should I care what she thinks? "After her mother’s death, Bella discovers dark family secrets that threaten all she knows — including her own identity." Yeah because that always happens when someone dies in a family - at least it does in these dumbass novels. And so frequently, too. And the secrets are always shocking or Earth-shattering! Wow! Seriously? Clone much? There's nothing new here; nothing original; nothing inventive; nothing imaginative. Yawn.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)