So rather than think up something original, this author clones "Twilight." Here's the asinine blurb: "Dating is hard." How exactly is dating hard" If it's hard you're doing it wrong, period, but how would this brain-dead YA character ever figure that out? "But as Joy Randall is about to find out, dating a centuries-old vampire is even harder!" And why would a centuries old vampire have the slightest interest in a teenager other than pure lust? That would be like a forty-year-old guy taking a romantic interest in a newborn. Imagine a ninety-year old dating a teenager and then multiply the ninety by three or four and see how much that grosses you out. That's this story. This author is evidently utterly clueless and has not an original bone in her body judged by her cookie-cutter approach to novel-writing.
Tuesday, November 9, 2021
Once Upon a Power Play by Jennifer Bonds / Good Guy by Kate Meader
Once Upon a Power Play by Jennifer Bonds
"After her latest relationship ends via text, Chloe Jacobs decides to swear off men altogether." This tells me she's an asshole for two reasons. First that she'd get involved with a guy like that, and second that she makes such a childish declaration. "But arrogant, drop-dead gorgeous hockey player" What's with the fucking hockey player obsession? "Ryan Douglas might tempt her to break her rule" Sorry, my bad. She's an asshole for three reasons because she's going to get right back into the same sort of abusive relationship that just failed so catastrophically. Chloe is an irremediable asshole and I sure as hell have no interest in reading about a clueless jerk-off like her.
AND
Good Guy by Kate Meader
"Military veteran turned hockey star Levi" There is it again. What's with the obsessive compulsive hockey player? Barf. What this tells me is that there are far too many female authors out there who have szero creativity and no imagination. Why is that? What are they afraid of? Missing a sale if they write something truly original?
American Christmas by Adriana Herrera
"Yin and Ari are celebrating their first Christmas together — and they’ve got some big ideas for presents. But when a holiday disaster ensues, both men are reminded that their love is the best gift of all." That may be all well and good, but why is it an American Christmas? There are some fifty nations, territories, and protectorates in the Americas. It's not just the USA. So my question is: are we so insecure that we have to nail this to a nationality or are we so arrogant and self-centered that only an American Christmas is worth telling a story about? Either way this is a fail. There are so many other ways this title could have played out. I'm just sorry this author wasn't imaginative enough to think of one.
Monday, November 8, 2021
The Austen Playbook by Lucy Parker
No wonder the morons at Kirkus's Last Stand thought this was "witty and compelling" so rumor has it. It's another tedious, unimaginative, uninventive, retreaded, cookie-cutter clone of Jane Austen. Why wouldn't they think it was sparkling? Barf! You know when it's evidently your policy to positively review everything that's out there, your reviews are utterly useless, right? Well, they don't know that at Kirkussed. Here's the idiot blurb: "Freddy is the star of a live-action TV show" Right - because naming your female star with a guy's name is witty and compelling and has never been done before. And of course it's "...based on Jane Austen’s novels" because why not? There's absolutely no point in doing any actual work when you can just repurpose antique romance novels. "...but she’s having trouble concentrating on her lines, especially when handsome, arrogant critic Griff is hanging around the set." Oh look - the infuriatingly handsome trope, and the enemies who fall in love trope, both on the same story! How witty and compelling. This author evidently does not have an original bone in her entire body. Yawn.
Ransom by Laramie Briscoe
"Even though Stella has known him her whole life, she’s never given Ransom much thought." Ransom? Seriously? Barf. "But after the daring K-9 handler comes to her rescue, she begins to see him in a new light...." What a fucking moron Stella must be. And how misnamed! Maybe she'll pay a Ransom for sex? Yawn.
The Rage of Dragons by Evan Winter
"Sent into a war that has been waging for almost two centuries, Tau is confronted with death - and vows to become the greatest swordsman alive." Oh wow! What a sterling ambitiion. I am so excited by this book. Barf. Can anyone say George...ah...ah...Martin rip-off?
Real Food, Fake Food by Larry Olmsted
"...an award-winning journalist reveals shocking secrets and deceptions behind common foods" This is shocking only to those morons who don't care what they put into their mouths, and who would never actually read a book like this anyway. Yawn.
Thomas Jefferson by Robert McDonald
Because if there's one thing this world needs right now, it's yet another biography of unreprentant slave owner Jefferson. "Thomas Jefferson was a Founding Father and president" Like we don't know that already to the Nth degree? Yawn.
Hunter Killer by David Poyer
Seriously? Hunter Killer? That's the best title you got? "As war between the US and China rages, admiral Dan Lenson is tasked with clearing the sea lanes around Guam and taking back an island that’s under Chinese control. Can he succeed — and give the downtrodden Allied forces a fighting chance?" Is that a serious question, or does the book blurb writer really think all readers are imbeciles? Yawn.
Secret Service by Tom Bradby
"When MI6 agent Kate Henderson uncovers a Russian plot to unseat the British prime minister, she’ll have to risk everything to avert an international crisis before the next election." Nope, Not her jurisdiction! It's MI5 that needs to handle this. And like the Russians give a shit about Britain anymore! Boris Johnson is already doing a classic job of fucking things up there, so the Russians don't need to do a thing while he's in power.
The Courier by Holly Down
"Mourning her once-perfect life, Laurel now works as a courier and relishes delivering mail to the residents of an elite cul-de-sac. One day, looking through the window of a perfectly manicured house, Laurel sees something that makes her world crumble...." Can anyoen say "Rear Window redux? Yawn.
Thanatos by Eva Pohler
"While in a coma, Therese falls for Thanatos, the handsome god of death. When she wakes up, she learns that he’s crossed into the mortal realm to be with her. But can he and a host of other Greek gods help her avenge her parents’ murders?" Who gives a shit? None of this takes place in Greece. It's been culturally appropriated into the USA because fuck Greece, right? No story can have any value whatsoever unless it's set in the USA or unless at the very least it has a USA main character driving it. Barf. Therese isn't even a greek name. It's Spanish! Yeah, there's a claim that it may have originated from a Greek word, but nowhere does it appear until 4th century Spain. Neither is the Greek god's name THanatos per se. It's more like Tanatos with a hint of an 'H'. So this is a non-starter and really just retreaded Rick Riordan for adults. Yawn.
Sanctioned by RA McGee / Blueblood by Matthew Iden
"Retired covert operative Czerny Clark has sworn off the black ops world — until his former partner disappears" and he gets pulled in from retirement to fix a situation that not one single other person out of seven billion on the planet can possibly resolve. And how many times has this exact plot been retreaded? Barf. Just title it "Body Count" - all these novels are exactly the same - why not employ the same generic title - pulled out of retirement each time a "new" story appears?!
AND
Blueblood by Matthew Iden
"With a deadly cop killer on the loose, former homicide detective Marty Singer must come out of retirement to chase down the culprit" Why? Is every other cop incompetent? As I've pointed out many times before: this trope is way the hell overdone!
Claiming London by Becca Jameson
So yet another female author who is evidently operating under the delusion that women are property who need to be claimed like so much baggage at the airport carousel. The title is all you need to know to avoid this like the plague, but the blurb, believe it or not, gets worse. "After her abusive marriage, London wants to experience all the things she missed out on, including submission." Excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK???? She was abused in her marriage and now she craves dominance? What the fuck is wrong with this author that she thinks this utterly wrong-headed idea is ripe for a fictional exercise in trying to make a few bucks? Seriously? Fuck. This. Shit.
Mrs Hudson and the Spirits’ Curse by Martin Davies
"An irresistible spin on the world of Sherlock Holmes!" No, it really isn't. Look, here am I resisting it. "With a sinister force stalking London merchants, Mrs Hudson sets out to solve the mystery - and proves she might be Baker Street’s most talented detective." Seriously? Another tired, unoriginal rip-off? At least it isn't Sherlock's niece so I guess it has that going for it, but that bar is so low that it really doesnlt say much. Mrs Hudson did literally nothing in any of the Holmes stories except in one where she moved a bust of Sherlock around to foil a sniper. She was mistakenly referred to as Mrs Turner in one Holmes story due to a writing mistake by Doyle, but she never exhibted a single isntance of any sort of crime-solving ability or even interest in any such thing. This story is quite obviously an ill-begotten dud. I'd have a lot more respect for writers if they came up with something original instead of ripping-off and repurposing all the frigging time.
Walking Shadows by Faye Kellerman
"When a clean-cut young man is found dead," That;s hilarious. Is tha thow he died? Fromt ehc lean cuts? Yawn. "...detective Peter Decker and his wife, Rina Lazarus, investigate the murder." Wait what? This dick has his wife investigate the crime with him? How the fuck does that work? He doesn't have a partner - I mean a police partner to work it with? This is the dumbest shit I've not read in a long time. Maybe his wife is a ghost. She is named Lazarus after all - risen from the dead. Maybe that qualifies her somehow. Yawn.
The Jigsaw Man by Nadine Matheson
"A heart-pounding roller-coaster ride" says Tami Hoag, but really, who gives a shit what she thinks? I don't get the logic here - most probably because there is none, and this book blurb writer quite obviously thinks we're all sheep - that if Tami Hoag directs, we'll all follow? No thanks! Are we supposed to bow down to the recommendation from a woman with whom most of us have zero in common? Because...what? She's a known author? She writes similar books? She's god almighty and we poor miserable peons should gratefully receive her every utterance as gospel? Fuck that shit. The book blurb only makes things worse: "When two victims wash up from the Thames, DI Henley...." I get it: Henley-on-Thames! Hilarious. "...recognizes the gruesome work of Peter Olivier, the Jigsaw Killer. But Olivier is in prison, thanks to Henley, and all bets are off when he learns he has a copycat." Oh, the copycat serial killer. How stunningly original! That's never been done before. Except for the scores of times it has. Yawn. And all bets are off? What fucking bets? Bêtes Noire? Barf. The only thing off was the blurb writer's brain - turned off when they wrote this blurb. Sorry, but the jig is up for this unoriginal author.
To Lahore with Love by Hina Belitz
"Irish and Pakistani, Addy has always struggled to square the seemingly opposite sides of her identity." How are they "opposite"? Is Irish alien? Is Pakistani alien? Is Irish animal and Pakistani human? Is Pakistani animal and Irish human? Is it because one is white the other is black and this racist book blurb writer thinks the two can't possibly be compatible? Fuck. This. Shit.
Pipe Dreams by Sarina Bowen
"Hockey star Mike..." so, another romance with another fucking hockey star. What is wrong with these asshole authors who believe that there's nothing out there other than muscular hockey stars? I'll tell you what's wrong: they don't have an original neuron in their entire brain, so they have to endlessly clone the work of others and retread it for their own use. "...broke Lauren’s heart, so the last thing she wants is to spend time with him..." but she inevitably will. This is just another urging from a female author to female readers that no matter how badly treated you were by the jerk-off son-of-a-bitch you were with, you're so lacking in worth and utility that the only smart solution is to run right back to him at the crook of his dick - or his pipe, as the title has it.... Barf.
Tallgrass by Sandra Dallas
According to Audiofile - whatever that is - this book is "a rare treasure." I wish. But no it really isn't. The truth is that it's yet another in an endless garbage pile of warmed-over World War Two stories that have been run into the ground already. "When a Japanese internment camp is created in her Colorado farming town, Rennie uncovers secrets that will forever change her life." I doubt it. Yawn.
A Postcard from Italy by Alex Brown
How many scores of times has this exact story been told? "When Grace uncovers a stack of letters and diaries dating back to the end of World War II, she travels to the Italian Riviera to unravel their author’s story" Like I give a flying fuck. World War Two was three-quarters of a century ago. It and every story imagineable that can ever be told about it has been done to death over and over again. Let it go. Find a new shtick. For fuck's sake please try and write something original.
Floored by Karla Sorensen
"While studying abroad in London, Lia Ward meets handsome footballer Jude McAllister." How to unpack this pile of rank festering garbage? Yeah, he's a muscular sporty type. So what's new there? Short answer: nothing. The only studying abroad here is the footballer studying a broad. I guarantee you there will be no depictions of Lia actually studying because that's utterly irrelevant, as is this dude's career. The only thing that's important in this story is a muscular dick and an ever-welcoming pussy. That's it. It's tempting to joke that it should be titled 'Nailed' not 'Floored', but 'Bored' would be the most apt title because it's tedious, retreaded trope. These two fucking clueless assholes have unprotected sex on their first date. She's actually lucky that all she contracted from unsafe sex was a pregnancy. What this tells me is that these two people are morons, and I sure as hell don't want to read a damned thing about them.
The Trouble with Hating You by Sajni Patel
That title right there tells you all you need to knwo about what a pile of garbarge this story is. If you had any doubts even after that, the book blurb should kill it very effectively, but even ebfore that we get the usual meaningless trash: "Farah Heron promises: 'You’ll be rooting for these two from their first meeting!' " Who the fuck is Farah Heron?! I've never even remotely heard of her so why the hell should I give a flyign shit about what she thinks?! Here's the story - so-called: "Liya Thakkar is happy with the single life even if her parents aren’t. When Jay Shah, their latest matchmaking candidate, arrives for dinner, she makes a quick getaway - only to bump into him again at the office." There is quite literally not a single thing new here. This exact story - with a name change here and there - has been told over and endlessly over again. Yawn. Worse though, is this feamle author's apparent absolute conviction that every woman is utterly useless unless she has a guy to validate her. You're not a real woman, says she, unless some guy is willing to rescue you from being single. Yeah. Right. Barf.
Sunday, November 7, 2021
The Iron Tiger by Jack Higgins
"Stranded in the Himalayas, British Navy pilot Jack Drummond" Stop right there. The most over-used name ever in action stories: 'Jack'. What's his nickname? "Bulldog"? Barf. Nothing original here. This is a DNS (Did Not Start) from less than ten words of the book blurb.
Daughter of Time by Sarah Woodbury
"When Meg is catapulted back in time, Prince Llywelyn of Wales is her only hope for survival." Of course he is, because if there's one thing far too many female authors desperately want you to embrace, it's that every woman is completely useless without a man to rescue her, preferably a prince or a billionaire. "Outlander" was bad wnough. Do we really need more? Barf.