"First in a series" Of course it is! I've had good success with Annie Bellet, but this is a tired, tired plot: "After 25 years spent running from a dangerous sorcerer, Jade relishes her quiet life in Idaho. But when dark forces threaten her friends, she’s forced to dust off her magical powers." The 'coming out of retirment' shtick is so yesteryear.
Monday, September 6, 2021
The Dinner List by Rebecca Serle
"Sabrina is amazed to discover five people gathered for her 30th birthday - including her ex-boyfriend, an old professor, and Audrey Hepburn." And then she wakes up and finds it was all a dream. Yawn. Either that or she's dead. Double yawn. Why not pick on dead celebrities?
Knit to Kill by Anne Canadeo
"When the Black Sheep Knitters embark on a weekend getaway to Osprey Island," Is it Black Sheep Island? No! It's Osprey Island! Why are they trespassing? "...they stumble into a deadly mystery! Can Suzanne and her friends unmask a crafty killer?" Nope. I predict he'll pull the wool over their eyes. Yawn. Or should I say 'yarn'?
The Seven Daughters of Eve by Bryan Sykes
It came to my attention this morning that I never reviewed this book which I read some time ago and found fascinating, so here we go! Note that this book offers no support for young-Earth creationism or for the Biblical mythology. Eve is used loosely and I wish it had not been, but authors don't always think up the best titles for their books - or worse, they're pushed into choosing misleading titles by their publisher for the sake of boosting sales.
The book is all about mitochondrial genetics. Mitochondrial DNA comes to us only through our mothers. It is separate from the main complement of DNA that we have, and was probably, at one point way, way back, a bacterium that got inside a cell and thrived there. Since it is part of the cell, it comes from the mother's ovum. It is not found in sperm, so this is a matriarchal lineage that can be traced back genetically and can tell enthralling tales of ancestry unavailable to us via other means.
The book focuses on modern European lineages, all of which can be traced back to seven founding groups. note that this doesn't mean that there there were only seven women alive back then. There was never a point where there was one Eve, either. There were many, many more women alive, but only these seven had their mitochondrial DNA lucky enough to survive the ages through to modern times. This means that a heck of a lot of DNA has been lost! We should mourn that.
The groups are referred to as haplogroups, scientifically, which in a very rough sense is somewhat akin to a sub-species or a tribe, but these only very rough approximations. Humans are all the same species, but even within a single species there can be many subgroups. The author attaches female names to each of these sub-, or haplogroups, the initial letter of which is taken from the alphabetical letter by which the haplogroup is known to science. The author gives his fictional the names as follows:
- Helena
- Jasmine:
- Katrine
- Tara
- Ursula (Haplogroup U5, excluding subgroup K)
- Velda
- Xenia
TO BE COMPLETED!
Little White Lies by Elizabeth McGregor
On a perfectly ordinary morning, Beth’s husband drives his car at full speed into a truck’s path and is killed instantly. But as Beth slowly reconstructs the sequence of events that led up to that day, she discovers unspeakable secrets that have been lurking beneath her marriage." Beth's a dumbass.
Damage Control John Gilstrap
"When rescue specialist Jonathan Grave heads to Mexico to free a group of hostages, deadly secrets and violent enemies could put him six feet under! " Put this man named Grave six feet under? Let's hope so. Yawn.
Summer Kisses at Mermaids Point by Sarah Bennett
"When a potential mermaid sighting brings troves of tourists to Mermaids Point, café owner Laurie is eager for their business. But her newest patron - an undercover journalist - will do whatever it takes to land the scoop of the century." What scoop? Laurie's delicious ice cream? Yawn. The journalist probably thinks mermaid's point is a reference to the fishy female's breasts....
River of Ruin by Jack Du Brul
The fact that Clown Cussler apparently once said that this author is "the finest adventure writer on the scene today" is more than enough to permanently turn me off his books.
Ink Witch by Lindsey Sparks writing as Lindsey Fairleigh
"To save her brother's soul, immortal assassin Kat Dubois will have to come out of retirement." So already we're knee-deep in trope with a main charcter named "Kat" and a main character coming out of retirment. Yawn. Is there anything here that's even remotely original? And what's with the dishonesty over the author name? How many frigging names does an author need before they can be accused of purposefully misleading readers? Or do they think their readers are so dumb they won't eventually find out it's the same person? The blurb asks stupidly, "can she find her brother before it's too late?" but who gives a shit? Especially if the author is so unimaginative that she's forced to retread the most tediously go-to purportedly bad-ass female name for a witch slash demon hunter slash paranormal girl. Yawn. That tells me everything I need to know about this waste of my time.
Doormaker by Jamie Thornton
"Maella is forbidden from opening any doors - or else she'll cause violence and destruction." So she's spent her entire life stuck in the nursery at the hospital where she was born.... "But when circumstances force her to break her family's rule, she enters a portal into a dangerous alternate world" And through there she'll meet a hot, hunky, handsome guy who will take care of her and tell her what to do. I could see that coming a portal away. Yawn.
Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig
"Miriam Black knows she can't rescue the people whose deaths she foresees. But when a vision of murder shakes her to the core, she risks everything to change the future" If she knows she can't change it, then why risk everything? Unless she's a callous idiot who's never seriously tried to change it. Either way I have no interest in reading about her. Why not call this novel "Black Ops" and start a whole series with derivative titles like "Blackout," "Black Jack,"and "Blackpool"?
Most Marshmallows by Rowboat Watkins
Someone with the unlikely name of Rowboat is stealing my shtick! "In a world of ordinary marshmallows, some dare to dream big!" The very nerve! No seriously, I wish Rowboat all the best. I was very unlikely to write about marshmallows (though it has crossed my mind!) and I'd actually have used pictures of marshmallows rather than line drawings had I done this, but what the heck! They're a definite target for a children's book and long overdue! I hope that getting a stamp of approval from the idiots at Kirkus doesn't cause problems for the book's sales: "Expressive line drawings pack beauty, tension, and drama into each page. This sweet flight of fancy will find a young audience eager to devour it" Yeah. Hilarious. But I consider this a worthy idea at least.
Can't Tie Me Down! by Janet Elizabeth Henderson
"As a virtual girlfriend, Mairi earns good money without ever risking her heart. But when someone tells her online boyfriends that she's in the market for a husband, they begin descending on her Scottish village to unpredictable effect! A hilarious and heartwarming read." How is having these guys swarming around like they're wild dogs and she's a bitch in heat even remotely amusing? Nauseating is more like it. This is harassment. No. Just no. I am not impressed by this author who is a Scot who abandoned her homeland and moved to New Zealand, yet now writes lovingly of Sctoland? Seriously?
Murder in an Irish Village by Carlene O'Connor
Another 'Irish' book by another O'Connor who again isn't Irish. She hails from Chicago. It was really the 'quaint' that got me on this description: "Murder turns a quaint town on its head when Siobhán O'Sullivan stumbles upon a well-dressed corpse - seated at a table in her family's bistro!" The quaint says to me that this will be yet another condescending look at the Irish. Maybe it won't be, but I lost all faith in it from that alone. The title doesn't help, and this description: "If Janet Evanovich and Maeve Binchy wrote a book together, Murder in an Irish Village would be the result" really turned me off because I'm not a fan of either of those authors and even were I, I wouldn't trust that this author could emulate either of them much less both together. So essentially, the description failed to do its job - again!
Infinity Beach by Jack McDevitt
Though humanity has expanded from Earth to nine settled worlds, they're alone in the universe - but when Dr Kimberly Brandywine investigates a missing expedition, she makes a shocking discovery. "McDevitt is the logical heir..." Given Stephen King's twisted logic, I don't doubt he believes this; i doubt only that it's true. My reviews of McDevitt's books can be found in this blog. Most of them are not good.
Venus Rising Boxset by Golden Angel
Golden Angel? Seriously? "When Jessica enrolls at the Venus School to explore the limits of her sexuality...." Does Goldie know that 'box' is a euphemism for vagina? I can't think of anything more boring than this, except maybe some other novel by the same author.... And I'll bet there's no box with this boxset. I buy a boxset, there'd better be a fucking box with that shit.
The Once and Future Queen: Secrets of the Starcrossed by Clara O'Connor
Ss she makes a decent stab at it by substituting 'queen' for 'king', but 'starcrossed' anywhere on the book cover is an automatic 'throw it into the trash' for me. Oh and the blurb begins with 'in a world' which is so tired. "In a world where the Roman Empire still reigns" Barf. "Cassandra" barf! "is betrothed to the most eligible bachelor in Londinium" Barf! The author is Irish, she writes a novel about the Roman empire, yet she sets it not in Rome but in London? I wonder why? Oh wait! She works in LA in TV. Now everything's clear. Yawn.
Sleight of Paw by Sofie Kelly
Anything with a dog or a cat on the cover is a no-no for me. Especially one where the titles play on the word Paw: "Sleight of Paw," "Faux Paw," etc. What's the next going to be? Paw-ty On, Dude? When two cats follow her home, librarian Kathleen is shocked to learn they have supernatural powers." I imagine she is. Yawn. "Can her new kitties help her figure out who killed local senior Agatha?" I'm going to take a wild ass guess and say 'yes!", but there's no way in hell they will name the perp - not without eking it out in tedious dribs and drabs over the entire length of the novel. Yawn.
A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms by George RR Martin
The 'RR' in his name is him laughing at the punters buying into this shit. "The young knight Ser Duncan and his squire, Egg," Seriously? What's his horse's name? McMuffin? Barf. Yes, he's successful, and more power to him, I guess, but I will never read anything by this author because it has zero appeal to me.
Royal Ruin by Jessica Peterson
"His Royal Highness Prince Christopher needs a fake fiancée - and love isn't part of the contract. But when Emily takes him up on his proposal, their scorching chemistry lights a fire they never expected!" There is no way this hasn't been done to death already. Barf. And how in fuck is anyone going to be fooled by the fake fiancée shit? The media will know. Everyone will know. And is this really the way the prince wants to appear to his subjects? As a liar? A loser? A deceiver? It's horseshit.
Private Charter by NR Walker
"Stuart Jenner is looking to recuperate from the demands of his stressful job by chartering a private yacht." Yeah. I can see how he'd be really stressed out to the max with all that money. I know I would be. Barf.
The Beast Within by Serena Valentino
"A reclusive and bitter beast lives alone in a remote castle - but he wasn't always this way. Once, he was a handsome, beloved prince whose life was changed by a terrible curse" Hasn't this been done already like a gazillion times? Honestly? This is the best you got? Why not call it "The Beast Without" since, in the words of Kendra Morris, "he ain't got no love"?!
Blood on the Chesapeake by Randy Overbeck
"Darrell Henshaw is looking for a fresh start in the seaside town of Wilshire." A town called Wilshire? Seriously? No.
Publishable by Death by ACF Bookens
Someone whose name sounds like bookends writes a book about a bookstore? Come on! Seriously? "Bookseller Harvey Beckett is shocked when a reporter's body is found in her store on its opening day! Amid the hustle and bustle of a festival in sleepy St Marin's, can Harvey and her hound dog, Mayhem, sniff out a killer?" And it's her job rather than the police, why, exactly? Barf. Just barf. And a lot of it. This novel is barking mad.
Caesar's Legion Stephen Dando-Collins
The fact that Kirkus praised this is enough to put me off it. "Witness the army of Rome at the height of its power in this popular history that follows the military feats of the 10th Legion's tactics, battles, and daily life" but the tenth was only one of four legions Caesar had under his control. It was one he levied himself and supposedly liked, but this was the same legion that broke and fled with the other three at the Battle of Dyrrhachium. It was the thirteenth with which Caesar crossed the Rubicon, not the tenth. The book itself may possibly be a decent history and a worthy read for interested parties, but the book description isn't exactly crystal clear. No suprises there.
Two Wrongs by Mel McGrath
"After several young women jump to their deaths in Bristol, Honor is desperate to determine the grim cause" and finds it's easily fixed by putting appropriate safety measures in place. Yawn.
The Listening Eye by Patricia Wentworth
"After a deaf woman lip-reads a conversation about a dangerous robbery, Miss Maud Silver must stop the crime - and save the woman's life." Why? Were the police taking the day off? Yawn. Wentworth is a pretty cool name for an author, so I wanted better than this.
Storm Clouds by Steven Becker
"John and Mako Storm are more than just father and son" Of course they are! But Mako? Really? "they're skilled secret agents." Of course they are. But how secret are they really, if this book is about them? LOL! This is yet another dumbass novel that's part of a series each of which uses the main character's name in a hard-bitten two-word title. Barf. This genre is so overdone that it's baked into bricks you could build a house with. "And when a pharaoh's legendary tomb is located after centuries shrouded in secrecy," How is that possible with Google Earth? Yet another gung-ho example of some author thinking it's a brilliant idea to have the USA policing the world and crashing uninvited into a Middle East nation, laying down the law, telling the Egyptians what to do with their own nation. Way to go!
Dark Rising by Greig Beck
Anything with 'rising' in the title should be your warning that you need to move on to the next book on your list and skip this one. "As Captain Alex Hunter" Hunter? seriously? "and his crew set out to find the source of a massive amount of radiation in the Iranian desert, they find themselves caught in the center of an ancient prophecy - and they must race to stop a catastrophic event." Yawn. Yet another gung-ho example of some author thinking it's a brilliant idea to have the USA policing the world and crashing uninvited into a Middle East nation, particularly one that detests the USA, and laying down the law. Way to go! And which desert? There are two, the Kavir, and the Lut. Clearly this story needs a lot of rewrites.
Ballistic by Mark Greaney
"Ex-CIA assassin Court Gentry" Court Gentry? Are you serious with that? What kind of fucked-up name is that shit anyway?! I'm already laughing too hard to even consider buying this trash. But he "fights for justice and survival after stumbling into a war between rival criminal factions." Why? Why is it a problem for him? He's ex-CIA. Can't he just disappear? LOL! This is just another cheap excuse for a guy to write shit about some dude slaughtering a whole bunch of other dudes. End of story. Yawn.
Lost Creed by Alex Kava
"Sixteen years ago, Ryder's sister vanished. When new information emerges about her disappearance, Ryder and his K9 team will stop at nothing to uncover the truth." So they do literally nothing and all is magically revealed! LOL! So let's consider this seriously: for almost two decades, Ryder literally did nothing to solve his sister's disappearance, and now suddenly he'll stop at nothing? Nothing surprises me anymore. My experience of Kava is that of a plodding writer who simply cannot get to the point no matter how many pages she fills. Yawn.
Mountains Trilogy by Phoebe Alexander
"They're as different as two people can be," Are they really?! "but the chemistry between college professor Sarah Lynde and Army officer James McAllister is too hot to handle" and nevertheless it gets safely slapped between the staid gray covers of a book. Yawn.
The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman
The fact that Kirkus wrote: "top-class cozy infused with dry wit and charming characters" is more than enough to turn me off this. The title doesnlt help. I do have an idea though: why not combine this with Jasper Fforde's 'Thursday Next' series, kill off that Thursday and everyone will be happy?
Savannah Breeze by Mary Kay Andrews
You see that title right there is a hard no to begin with. Anything with 'Savannah', 'Southern', or 'Magnolia' on the cover is highly suspect. "Conned out of everything she owns, BeBe devises a plan to get payback with the help of her motley crew of friends." Again - 'motley crew'? No. That's right up there with 'quirky' as a no-no for reading. Who are Bebe's friends? TuBe O'Not2B? Be Orland-Endall? BeBeCe? Yawn.
Casket Girls by Seth Pevey
"As members of the French Quarter's unhoused population begin disappearing, private eye Felix, his girlfriend, Tina, and retired police officer David set out to discover what's happening - and the sinister truth behind the murders will shake the city of New Orleans to its core" Really? is that really likely? And the NOPD are not investigating this because...? Yawn.
The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan
"This New York Times bestseller" that's now inexplicably being offered at a knock-down price in a book flyer?! "follows journalist Maureen as her curiosity and visions lead her to a shocking discovery buried in Europe: the Gospel of Mary Magdalene." Can anyone say Da Vinci Code rip-off? There was no Mary Magdalene so how could she have a gospel? Most Hebrew men and women back then were illiterate anyway! And it's in Europe rather than Israel why, exactly? Yawn.
Wet by Ashley Bostock
"Ryan has spent months resisting his overwhelming attraction to Miranda after sharing a kiss in a dark hallway" Why? Why did he spend months resisting it? For what purpose? Did he find out when he finally saw her in the light that she hated how she looked?! Another dumb-ass so-called erotic story. Barf.
The Goodnight Kiss by Gwen Rivers
"Nic Rutherford has the power to track down predators and kill them with a kiss. Determined to bring her dead best friend back to life, she embarks on a journey that leads her to the perilous Fae realm" A woman named after a Network Interface Card kissed predators? Yuk! Yuk-Yuk! This is ridiculous.
Saturday, September 4, 2021
Sowing Malice by Wendy Tyson
"When town newcomers wind up missing and murdered, lawyer turned farmer Megan Sawyer must discover the secrets of a wealthy family and weed out the berried truth" A lawyer named Sawyer! No wonder she's a farmer because she has to find the 'berried' truth! When a truth turns into berries, only a farmer can find it. Now if the truth had been buried, then maybe a miner would be required, provided they were previously an attorney named McBurney....
Letters from Atlantis by Robert Silverberg
"After finally reaching the legendary city of Atlantis, time traveler Roy Colton finds that he has the ability to enter the mind of an Atlantean prince." Of course he does! No wonder Quirkus Reviews found this a "must-listen" and they were not using that in the sense of 'musty, trust me. barf.
Meant to Be by Lauren Morrill
"Fans of David Levithan will love this" - you know if you have to compare an author to somebody else, you've already lost, and on top of that you've insulted your readers. Booklist should stick to listing books. "On a school-sponsored spring break trip to London, studious Julia is partnered with her personal nemesis, Jason." Of course she is because this is yet another YA cookie-cutter clone cliche of a story that offers not a shred of originality, and features a dumbass main female charcter talking in first person. Don't try to deny it. You know it does. Es la Ley!
And founding fathers forbid that we should just tell a story about two English kids in London. Nobody wants to hear that; also, in the US, it's illegal for an author to have no US-native-born citizens in the story, even if the story has nothing whatsoever to do with the USA. You think this is crazy? Have you not seen what's been happening in Texas lately? We're long past crazy. Crazy was that ill-marked left turn a few miles back. No, we're way beyond that. We're into plaid now - the Plaid of Allegiance. Even if you write a story about the world before the USA existed, you still have to have a USA natural-born citizen in it.
And guess what? If you try to tell a story without a US person in it, the Taliban will take over. It's a fact. It happened in Afghanistan. You know it did: as soon as there were no US-type people left there, what happened? You got it! It's called 'us' for a reason. So this is why we absolutely cannot have just any two kids in London. No! That's illegal; they have to be native-borns or you're a traitor.
"But as the two race to solve a quirky mystery, they learn how much they have in common." Of course they do. You see it's the 'quirky' that got me. I'm sorry, but I'm allergic to 'quirky' in a book blurb. I fonly they'd put 'qwerty', I would ahve bene fine, but now I'm tearing up and sneezing, Gotta go....
History Decoded by Brad Meltzer, Keith Ferrell
"It took two people to come up with this horseshit? "From the Roman Spear of Destiny to Area 51...." Stop right there. Go fuck yourselves you stupid, delusional clowns. Get a fucking life.
Murder at an Irish Bookshop by Carlene O'Connor
Check this out! It's got murder, Irish, and a bookshop in it! That's got to be a trifecta that's close to perfection doesn't it? "When the body of a controversial writer is found within the stacks of her local bookstore, Siobhán will need to take a page out of her favorite mystery novel to solve the case" Why? Are the local cops fuck-ups? I do love the green-painted bookstore with shamrocks hanging down. How charmingly original! One question: could you be any more fucking condescending? Where's the leprechaun? The author hails from Chicago BTW, not Poblacht na hÉireann.
An American Outlaw by John Stonehouse
First in a series" You betcha! God forbid we have any standalone novels when you can trap people into a money-making boring series. "Army vet Gil returns home determined to stay true to his fellow servicemen - a promise that lands him smack in the middle of an ill-fated bank heist." Well, he's an American outlaw! Fuck outlaws from any other place, This motherfucker is American! Can't do wrong! Excuse me, I have an urgent appointment to go piss myself laughing. What is it with thsi insecurity that forces people to slap an American label on everything?
Archangel Down by C Gockel
"First in a series" Of course it is - but anything like this, with 'down' built into the title is a guaranteed bad choice. "On a distant planet in the 25th century," Um, every planet is distant, dipshit. "...military officer Noa Sato has been imprisoned for a crime she didn't commit." Let me guess, some white dude is going to rescue her? "Her only hope of clearing her name lies in the hands of James Sinclair, a scholar from Earth" Yup! Because god forbid any woman should be left to her own devices and not have some guy to control and validate her. Barf.
Anchored Hearts by Priscilla Oliveras
That title, right there, should be plenty to warn a reader off this one. "Anamaría's world is turned upside down when Alejandro, her first love who broke her heart, returns home to Key West, Florida - and her attraction to him proves inescapable. Because god forbid she should have moved on. It's better for her to be enslaved by this guy. You know I'm right. Priscilla Oliveras clearly understands that women want to be owned, to be toys, to be property, to be playthings, to be objects which are paused and on hold except when the alpha male is around.
A Summer Reunion by Fanny Blake
"Four childhood friends reunite at an elegant villa in Mallorca" because we can never have enough books about three or four childhood friends reuniting at some holiday resort. Barf. Good god how can there be so few original stories out there with so many authors publishing these days?! Or is that precisely the problem?
Civil War 101 by Peter S Carmichael
"March alongside infantry soldiers at Gettysburg in this audio course from a leading historian and professor!" because if there's one thing this world is absolutely screaming for, it's yet another in an endless line of tedious books about the US civil war. Get over it already!
Invisible City by Julia Dahl
"When fledgling reporter Rebekah Roberts moves to New York City, her investigation into the murder of a Hasidic woman" Can you say "A Stranger Among Us" rip off? Or are my comments too Hasid?
Hidden Path by Melissa F Miller
"After arriving at a remote Buddhist monastery for a silent retreat, forensic pathology consultant Dr Bodhi King is shocked to discover a dead body hidden in the surrounding cornfields. But when Bodhi stumbles across the murder weapons concealed deep within the monastery, he'll need to rely on his expertise to crack the gruesome case." Why? Are the local police utterly worthless? And Bodhi? Really? What's his first name? Dead? Cheyenne? How the hell is any investigation going to be conducted in a silent monastery? By sign language? By written responses? Thanks, but no thanks! They should make a musical movie of this - one where the monastery forbids speaking, but not singing.
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