"Mark Ai goes to work every day as a PC repairman, but fixing computers is just a cover job. Along with his mission managing the observation team, he's attempting to fill in as a parent for a teenage neighbor, provide a good home for a dog, and pick up a little money on the side." So in other words, this "AI" is exactly a human. There's not a thing that's new, inventive, or original here, not even the title. Yawn. Do electric sheep dream of more inventive writers?
Thursday, October 14, 2021
Sleepers by Megg Jensen
"An adoptee raised in a foreign land, sixteen-year-old Lianne was content with her life as handmaiden to the queen, until a spell cast on her at birth activated. Now she's filled with uncontrollable rage and access to magic she thought had been bled from her people years ago. Even her years of secret training in elite hand-to-hand combat and meditation can’t calm the fires raging inside her." Meditation and hand-to-hand combat training? LOL! That's the killer, right there. Plus there's a tedious trope love triangle and the cover has the sixteen year old dressed in a leather bustier and matching pants. This is a queen's handmaiden.... It's also a trilogy! Anyone want to give odds on whether it's in first person, to complete the perfect cliche? I'd bet it is. Yet more unimaginative YA garbage. Barf.
The Butterfly Effect by Scott Semegran
"A father watches his daughters lovingly care for a squirmy gang of caterpillars. When they morph into butterflies, the girls witness the true meaning of life... unfortunately." Yep. This is fortunately a short story of no interest with a wa-ay overused title.
Lost Girl by Chanda Hahn
This failed because it has 'chronicles' in the title. It's an unimaginative retreading of Peter Pan where, instead of going to Neverland, they go to the Neverwood Academy. Yawn. The uninventive and unimaginative author seems to specialize in retreading old stories, and this logs three strikes agaisnt her.
Metal Angels Part One by Danielle K Girl
Naturally this is the first in a series, but I could not get past the content list, which went something like:
Kira
Eron
Tamas
Kira
Eron
Blake
Tamas
Kira
Blake
Kira
And so on ad infinitum. Yawn. There is nothing worse than a shifting PoV novel, especially if it's in first person. I have no idea if this is or not because I could not bring myself to get past that content listing. It's tedious, confusing, metronomic, and ultimately boring.
No Girl Left Behind by Terry Toler
"While in Abu Dhabi, CIA operative Jamie Austen moves into action after she sees the words “HELP ME” written on a bathroom mirror. Now she’s in a race against time to find out who wrote it — and why." The real mystery here is why a CIA operative is abandoning her job to go on a wild goose chase instead of letting the local police handle it - assuming there's anything to handle! Maybe some kid wrote that on the mirror as a joke. Yawn
Miss Kane’s Christmas by Caroline Mickelson
"Santa Claus’s daughter, Carol, is on a mission to stop single father Ben from ruining Christmas. When she poses as his new nanny, can she show Ben just how wonderful the season can be?" Who gives a fuck? This is warmed-over, retreaded Christmas pap. There's nothing new here. In fact, I think the Hallmark channel already told this same story. Or maybe it was Santa's Daughter by Therese A Kraemer. But it's been done before, and mroe than once.
The Southern Psychic Sisters Mysteries Season One by A Gardner
"Season One"? Really? "Psychic Ember Greene" Now is she a psychic ember? Or is she a psychic and her name is Ember? "...has returned to her family’s bakery in her hometown of Misty Key, Alabama — where she’s quickly steeped in family drama and mystifying murders." Well is is Misty Key so it would be mystifying. And you know the murder rate in the sleepy hamlet will put even Chicago to shame. And the psychic is utterly useless because she always gets only the vaguest of impressions - never a name and address of the murderer, only sparsely-distributed half-clues throughout the book until the very end. So how is she any better than the police? Barf. Unoriginal garbage throughout.
Turning for Home by Caren J Werlinger / Back in the Game by Holly Chamberlin / Smart Women by Judy Blume
Turning for Home by Caren J Werlinger
Yet another woman returns "to the small town she fled years earlier." There she "finds her well-ordered life...unraveling under the weight of the past. Can Jules make things right before it's too late?" My guess is yes, because as so many female authors so often insist upon lecturing us, a woman is utterly useless until a man, preferably a white man, rescues her. Barf.
AND
Back in the Game by Holly Chamberlin
"After her marriage falls apart, Jess struggles to adapt to her life as a single woman. Can she find a second chance at happiness?" I'm guessing yes, because she's hopeless until some guy rescues her, and there always is one to do it.
AND
Smart Women by Judy Blume
"Divorced thirtysomething friends Margo and BB attempt to start their lives over - with heartwarming, hilarious, and sometimes disastrous results." How smart are they when their results are disastrous? But don't worry, they'll both find a guy to rescue them.
How are any of these novels different from the other two? Answer: They're not. They're all exactly the same.
The Wall by Jen Minkman
The author's name is pretty cool, but the novel idea? No so much. "Born on opposite sides of the Wall, teenagers Leia and Walt live in different worlds - until they join forces in a quest to uncover the truth about their mysterious island... A fast-paced dystopian adventure that's first in a series!" Of course it's first in a series. And it's Romeo and Juliet versus the wall! Yawn. There's nothing new here. What do they do in volume two? Climb the wall? Find another wall? Find another island? Yawn.
A Villa in Sicily Olive Oil and Murder by Fiona Grace
I must admit I have some qualms about that title. It seems a bit "iffy" to me. The premise is at least mildly original in that the main character buys one of these ultra-cheap villas in Sicily on the agreement that she upkeeps the place. I've seen those mentioned in news items several times. The book then has to have a murder committed in the place, of course - and these villas are usually in small villages so how the author hopes to make this into a series I do not know. The little Sicilian village would end up having a murder rate greater than some cartel region in Mexico! LOL! The blurb says, "After buying a fixer-upper in Sicily, veterinarian Audrey is ready to embrace her fresh start. But she never expected solving a murder to come with her new home - nor finding romance...." It's funny that the author doesn't expect it, because every reader of the book expected exactly that! LOL! It would be more amusing if the character's name were Cecily and the title were "Cecily in Sicily". But how is she going to find enough work as a vet in a little village to support herself? Oh don't worry - she'll be so busy solving murders every volume that there won't be any time at all to work. Or to fix up the place. But at least everyone in this obscure village in the middle of nowhere speaks perfect English. Dumb from the ground up.
Big Summer by Jennifer Weiner
"Years after their friendship-ending fight, Drue asks Daphne to be the maid of honor at her Cape Cod wedding." Thats the entire plot? Hot Dog! Why is it 'maid of honor' yet on the other side of the aisle, it's 'best man'? Can't we have 'bachelor of honor' or call her the 'best woman'? Personally I've always thought the best man was supposed to be the guy who's getting married and the same for the woman, but what do I know?!
Seven Ways to Kill a King by Melissa Wright
"Princess Myrina of Stormskeep was meant to die in the massacre that took her mother - and now she's determined to get revenge on the murderous kings of the Storm Queen's Realm." Oh look! We have a realm. And 'Stormskeep'? Really? Is that anything like Helmsdeep? I'll pass.
Vampire on the Orient Express by Shane Carrow
I have to grant this one an amusing title. It made me laugh when I read it. Not that I have any intention of reading the novel since I pretty much detest vampire stories; they're nearly all the same, and this one isn't even a parody like my own Merde on the Orient Express is. Here's the plot in a nut's hell: "When American adventurer Sam Carter joins British diplomat Lucas Avery on the Orient Express, they anticipate a luxurious journey from Paris to Constantinople... but an ancient evil lurks among the passengers. Will any of them survive the trip?" My guess is yes. Note the Brit and American traveler so it has transatlantic appeal. God forbid it should be only the one because who the hell wants to read about a person from another country for goodness sakes?!
Deadly Gamble by Connie Shelton
"When Charlie's childhood friend is accused of murder, can she and her canine companion, Rusty, track down the real killer?" Who gives a shit? Really?
Marriage Games by CD Reiss
"Diana agrees to 30 days in a remote cabin with Adam to gain control of their joint company. But in this ultimate game of domination, will she submit to his every desire?" Or is another word for this plot simply 'rape'? No thanks. What kind of trash is this? Another one of Reiss's pieces of shit? She wants to dominate the company, but she lets herself be subjugated to him? That is so many kinds of bone-headed it's uncountable. What a pile of festering horseshit!
A Great Deliverance by Elizabeth George
"Inspector Lynley and his partner come to the secretive village of Keldale to discover if a sullen teenage girl was responsible for her father's savage murder." Have you noticed how the murder is never actually a murder? It's always a brutal murder or a savage murder, or a shocking murder. Nobody murders ordinarily in these books! I'll pass, because for me the only thing murdered here is a good, original story. You'd think that someone whose namesakes are two monarchs might set her standards a bit higher.
Teddy Spenser Isn't Looking for Love by Kim Fielding
How original: two guys hate each other and then fall in love. Never heard of that plot before. Except maybe a dozen score times. "When designer Teddy Spenser and his handsome nemesis, Romeo Blue, are forced to work together, their collaboration may reveal an attraction neither was expecting." Then those two were the only ones on planet Earth not expecting it! The 'antagonists fall in love' trope has been done to death. Does 'designer' mean fashion? So do we have the stereotypical trope gay fashion designer? And Romeo Blue? Seriously? There's nothing more self-indulgent, wasteful of Earth's resources, abusive, ridiculous, or downright plain stupid than the world of fashion.
The Color Alchemist by Nina Walker
If Kirkus liked it, chances are, I don't. Especially not with a tired plot that once again has a female writer subjugate her female character to a dominant male: "When Prince Lucas discovers her magical talents, Jessa must train under his tutelage as a Color Alchemist... but the prince has a secret agenda." Must she? I'd be interested in reading it if she rebelled, but no. Why write an original YA novel like that when you can follow the path most trampled that's already been done to death by two score of other authors?
The Girl I Was Before by Izzy Bayliss
How can this even be a series? It's the same tired trope: "When her marriage falls apart, Lily takes refuge in her newfound love of baking. As she decides to turn her passion into a business, can she reinvent her life?" The short answer is yes. Why does the author want to milk you of your money for a whole series based on this tired and unimaginative premise?
The Witches of Wormwood by Silver Nord
I would not buy a book written by someone with such a 'made-up' sounding name, and especially not one which claims to be an "absolutely enchanting collection of clever mysteries" and yet proves itself to be totally unoriginal and uninventive in the very name of the main character: Hazel Salem. Seriously? Can we ever get a book about witchcraft that doesn't fall back on the abusive and pathetic Salem witch trope in some way? Those were innocent women who were brutally murdered in Salem by Christians who were purportedly told to forgive and to turn the other cheek! Hypocrites. And female authors? Show a little fucking respect for those of your gender who were abused by vindictive and psychotic white men. The whole cloying atmosphere around this book makes it suck.
My Life for Yours by Vanessa Carnevale
"Paige is devastated when she suffers a miscarriage due to a rare and life-threatening heart condition. And when she becomes pregnant again, she and her husband face a painful choice." No! The painful choice was whether or not to get pregnant again, not to roll the dice on her life, and risk losing everything. They could have hired a surrogate. They could have adopted, but it seems to me that her husband is a dickhead who doesn't deserve a child if he values his own wife's life so cheaply. You can seee where this novel is going - right out the door. It's either going to be a sickly ending where the mom dies at childbirth, or it's going to be a sickly ending where the mom doesn't die, insulting a lot of women who wish to, but can't, give birth.
Parable of the Sower by Octavia E Butler
Octavia Butler is dead and has no direct heirs. She will not get a penny from this novel, and I doubt any of it will go to the causes she dreamed of supporting. So with 30,000 or more sold, why are they still trying to milk this for all it's worth? Who is getting this money? I read a biography of Butler and got interested in her work, but I did not like the graphic novel version of this novel and was not inspired by it to go on to read anything else by Butler. From what I've read of her, I think I would have liked her as a person and enjoyed her company had I ever been privileged to experience it, but I never had that chance. The story made no sense to me though, and once again, for me, the book description failed to deliver an intelligible idea of the plot! In "a future world teetering on the brink of apocalypse, Lauren holds the key to humanity's salvation." That's not really true, because in volume two of the series, Lauren is already dead having failed to achieve her goal, and that story is told by her daughter! Get the book from a library of find it at Goodwill, and give your money to a good cause in doing so.
How to Trap a Leprechaun by Sue Fliess, Emma Randall
I'm not usually down on children's books unless they're particularly egregious, but trapping a creature? It sounds cruel to me and potentially dangerous if the book advises on building a real trap. Hopefully the 'simple crafts' the blurb claims are employed really are simple and soft, but even if they are, the idea of imprisoning something for personal gain really isn't a good value to teach a child.
Queen of Klutz by Samantha Garman
Yet another tedious cookie-cutter story about yet another woman who loses both boyfriend (fiancé/husband/whatever) and job on the same day, and runs away to a new life. In this case waitressing at an Italian restaurant. The blurb stupidly asks, "Can she find her way back to love and happiness - without falling flat on her face?" Well yeah, otherwise what's the point of the novel?! So, no surprises here; and not even any twists because this will follow the precisely the same predictably boring route all the other scores of novels employing this selfsame plot have trodden into mud. Talk about the road most taken!
Death at a Country Mansion by Louise R Innes
Also look for "Death at a Country Inn" by Louise R Mansions! Just kidding. The problem with this story is lack of originality. Country mansion? Yawn. The blurb says this: "When her friend's opera diva mother is found dead, hairdresser Daisy dons her detective hat to solve the murder!" And why is a hairdresser trying to solve a murder? Is it because once again the cops are utterly useless and only an amateur with zero training can resolve the case? Barf. Get a clue!
Baumgartner Generations Janie by Selena Kitt
"Nanny Janie has a satisfying polyamorous relationship with her employers, Ronnie and TJ. But when she meets sexy Josh, does she have room in her bed for another lover?" Of course she does. She's out to get herself into the Guinness Book of World records for the woman with the most STDs acquired from the fewest partners. Barf.
Marry Me by Mia Monroe
"Briar is dreading seeing his cheating ex at a friend's upcoming wedding - so he asks his straight best friend, Jude, to pose as his fake fiancé. But what happens when their ruse starts to feel like the real thing?" Seriously? Briar? Another gay men novel written by a woman? And Briar is so stupid that he never once realized or even thought for a minute that "Jude" is also gay? This novel has nothing but dumb ingrained in its very fabric and the story has been done to death a billion tiems already. Get a life.
The Best Laid Plans by Cameron Lund
"High school senior Keely wants to lose her virginity before she goes to college - so she sets her sights on the new guy in town. But her childhood best friend, Andrew, complicates things." Of course he does and this is the most important thing on Keely's mind? I guess that's not much of a mind, especially when she has apprently never realize that this childhood best friend is a guy she can trust. Keely is evidently a moron. The most disturbing thing about this though, is that none other than the School Library Journal claims this trash is "An enjoyable, quick read." I find it seriously problematical that yet another dumb-ass novel about a young a girl giving away what's consistently, but ridiculously, presented as her most treasuired asset, is getting published and supported. Barf. Authors like this should be ashamed.
Murder Wears Mittens by Sally Goldenbaum
"When a town recluse's death reveals a hidden fortune, Cass and her intrepid knitting circle hurry to prevent a second murder." Not with that kind of woolly thinking they don't. Another nutty novel nagging that knitting numbskulls are niftier than the police.
Ghost Force by Patrick Robinson
"As tensions over oil ignite an international battle in the South Atlantic, a group of US Navy SEALs is sent to restore peace." Right because they're the perfect people for that job. Yawn.
Would Like to Meet by Rachel Winters
"An assistant at a screenwriting agency, Evie has been waiting years for a promotion. The chance might be here, but it comes with strings: convince their biggest client, arrogant and insufferable Ezra, to write a rom-com script." Of course he's arrogant and insufferable. That's why this moron will fall for him. Barf. Nothing new here. Insufferable accurately describes this kind of a novel.
While the Music Lasts by Maggie Robbins
"Florence leaves behind her best friend turned lover, Bailey, to pursue her dream of becoming a famous cellist. When fate brings them together again, can both women overcome the past and recapture the music they once shared?" Who gives a shit? Florence has no interest in music. She wants to become famous. Not 'accomplished'; not 'outstanding'; not 'gifted'; not 'original in her interpretation', but 'famous'. That's how shallow this dipshit is - and that's what she'll become famous for.
Fortune Favors the Cruel by Kel Carpenter
"Bent on revenge, Quinn must learn to harness her dark powers in order to survive; meanwhile, nobleman Lazarus has waited years for a woman of Quinn's abilities to appear. How could he predict that she would become both the answer to his prayers and his worst nightmare?" Lazarus might not be able to, but everyone who's seen this tedious plot a gazillion times before can. This book of Kel's is a non-starter. Yawn.
The Terminal List by Jack Carr
"In this explosive thriller, a Navy SEAL targets the American conspirators responsible for the deaths of his team and his family." Seriously? Going rogue on a revenge killing is how we want to represent our men and women in uniform? Barf. What's the hero's name? Jack Pierce? Jack Lock? Jack Cage? Jack Stone? Jack Steele? Yawn.
My Fallen Saint by J Kenner
"When Ellie Holmes's world collides with billionaire Devlin Saint, the passion between them is impossible to ignore" Trust me. It isn't. Yawn. And Devlin Saint? Really?
A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers
"Formerly the artificial intelligence of the spaceship Wayfarer, Lovelace has woken up in a new body - with no memory of what happened." Easy: she was a porn movie star. Next intractable problem?
The It Girls by Karen Harper
"Follow sisters Lucy and Elinor - an aspiring designer and an impassioned novelist - as they overcome adversity and pursue their dreams." What a lot they're going to contribute to society. Barf.
How the Light Gets In by Louise Penny
"As the weather turns colder and the holidays approach, the festive atmosphere in Three Pines is marred by a famous woman's shocking murder." As opposed to those non-shocking mundane, everyday murders which no one in their right mind gives a shit about. No wonder the illiterates at Kirkus Reviews (where the light doesn't get in) loved this one.
Blood Witch by Naomi Clark
"Already an outcast among other witches, Lola has nowhere to turn when she's accused of murder. As she sets out to find the true killer with help from beautiful and mysterious Tristesse" Tristesse? Really? This crime should be a doddle to solve since they have magic at their disposal.
Under A Sicilian Sky by Lisa Hobman
"When actress Ruby Locke finds herself in the midst of a media snafu, her movie star fiancé breaks off their engagement - and sends Ruby fleeing to Sicily." Why? And more importantly, do we really need yet another cookie-cutter clone novel about a yet another chicken-shit woman who runs away? Short answer: No! Longer answer: hell No!
Goddess in the Machine by Lora Beth Johnson
"After Andra awakens from a cryogenic sleep 1,000 years in the future, she must navigate the strange world with Zhade, an exiled prince" Of course she must, because god forbid any woman should do anything on her own without some fucking prince to validate her, and make her life worth living. How is this story any different from the other one I just got through non-reviewing? Not in any way. Barf.
Some Lucky Woman by Carmen DeSousa
"Hurt one too many times by men, Jana pens a bestseller empowering women to swear off the male species. But an injury places her career in the hands of physical therapist Adrian, putting her head-to-head with a man who's taken offense to her writing!" Of course it does because god forbid she should be a strong woman who doesn't need as man to set her straight. There's nothing new here - chalk and cheese, infuriating man. It's been done a billion times before already. Get a new shtick before your life solidifies into the embodiment of inertia. How so many female authors manage to set themselves up to betray their female characters so consistently is the only interesting thing going on here.
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
Campus Player by Jennifer Sucevic
"Playboy quarterback Rowan has no trouble scoring — both on and off the football field. But when his coach’s daughter, Demi, becomes his tutor, the two do nothing except butt heads… at least, at first." Yet another garbage story about two antagonists who inevitably fall in lust together. There is absolutely nothing new here. These stories are unimaginative, unoriginal, and five-a-penny. They're trite, cookie-cutter clones. Barf.
Emerald Blaze by Ilona Andrews
This marks three strikes for this author. "Catalina Baylor works in magical law enforcement in Texas. When her family comes under attack, she must team up with a figure from her past" which would be the guy who takes the prominent place on the cover of this novel which is purportedly about a female main character? Well, we can all see how that goes. Barf. Yet another female author, yet another dissed character. Count me out.
Ghost Gone Wild by Carolyn Hart
"An otherworldly mishap leaves departed spirit Bailey stuck in her hometown — unless she can rescue a ghost’s nephew from a killer." So wait, this ghost has to rescue another ghost's nephew? Why doesn't the other ghost have to do it? This plot sounds lame from the off. The book is billed as "From a New York Times bestselling author!" Do you know how lame that is? You can sell only 5,000 books, which might get you on the bottom of the list for one week, and then eternally refer to yourself as a best-selling author. It's utterly meaningless unless you're a sheep who, instead of buying something based on how good it might be, you buy something because everyone else is herding toward it. It's also possible to game the system, so I do not trust these 'best selling author claims one bit.
Little Secrets by Jennifer Hillier
"Marin’s perfect life is upended by every parent’s worst nightmare — her son is abducted in a crowded store. A year later with no progress on the case, she finally has a reason to spring into action" It takes her a year to "spring" into action? That ain't springing. That's barely tripping. Book blurbs! Meh.
Atlantis Stolen by Christopher Cartwright
"What destroyed the ancient city of Atlantis? It’s a secret shrouded in mystery" Wrong! It's bullshit buried in fiction. Yawn.
Mischief by Douglas Clegg
"Jim Hook" Really? Is he a pirate? "...arrives at mysterious Harrow Academy" the mysterious academy! Why would he think a mysterious academy can give him a "fresh start — only to unleash a sinister evil." Shit! A sinister evil. That's horrible! Regular evil is bad enough, but a sinister evil? Holy fuck-doodles! He's in deep du-du now. Yawn.
East Lynne by Mrs Henry Wood
"When the aristocratic Lady Isabel abandons her husband and children for her wicked seducer, more is at stake than moral retribution." Yep, it's the entirety of Victorian civilization! Her husband turns into a steamed punk and goes on the rampage with an army of clockwork Viking robots, raping, pillaging, and burning people's houses, but when he discovers that Vikings didn't actually have cow horns in their helmets, he realizes that it is he who is just horny, and begins frequenting horses of ill prepuce, frequently. Damn this auto-correct! LOL! This novel was naturally first in a series, being followed by another seven volumes, resulting in one for each of the main eight points of the compass, but none were so well received as this first one, thereby proving that the advice to "Go west, young man" is bullshit. I did take a stab at reading this one but the story is so ponderously tedious that I quit in short order. It takes forever to get nowhere.
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