"A breathtaking Beauty and the Beast reimagining." What's breathtaking is how unoriginal and unimaginative these authors are. This is purportedly from "a New York Times bestselling author" so why is she having to offer discounted copies of her book in an email flyer? Get this: "One of the seven adopted daughters of the sinister Lady Eville," Lady Eville? Are you fucking kidding me? It gets worse: "Rosalie is forced into an arranged marriage with Xander," That's an automatic tune out from me if there's a character named Xander in your novel, but it gets worse. Xander is "the crown prince of Baist" Baist? Seriously? Roast Baist? Baist your beast in the oven? "But there's more to Xander than meets the eye" No. Trust me: there really isn't, because it's been done a gazillion times before and this one will be just as beastly as all the others were.
Monday, July 5, 2021
Marked by Sin by Debbie Cassidy
I recommend a hard rejection of any novel that has the title in the form 'marked by ____'. "Assassin Malina is one job away from finally reaching her goals. But when she discovers that the ancient mythological beings who rule over London have used her, she must save her world from an encroaching evil. First in a riveting paranormal suspense series." Of course it is! I cna even see the rivets. But I'll pass. The plot is stupid and the picture on the book cover of a dancing waif even more so. Whoever drew that needs a psych eval. Or a job illustrating sexist comic books. That's 'sexist', not 'sexy'. Most comic book illustrators can't tell the difference.
Kingdom Cold by Brittni Chenelle
At last! Another way to spell 'Brittni'! Thank God! I thought we'd run out. "When Charlotte is arranged to marry a foreign prince to secure an alliance, she’s horrified...." She's arranged to marry? "...and tries to assassinate him. But soon her kingdom is placed in peril and she must enlist the help of the man she attempted to kill" Barf. This is about the worst example of the trope "antagonistic hetero couple eventually fall in love" that I've ever encountered. A hard 'NO' to this one.
Protector by Larry Niven
"Jack Brennan is a simple space smuggler living on an asteroid colony - until an alien ship arrives and captures him. And after the encounter imbues him with special abilities, Brennan finds himself drawn into a devastating war" I refuse to read any novel with the tedious trope main character name of Jack. And why would aliens be imbuing aliens with special powers and hoping or expecting they would enter a war? Do they not have robot technology and AIs, if they already have the technology to go galavanting around the galaxy? Piss poor plot.
The Spookshow by Tim McGregor
"First in a series!" Of course it is! Why write a bunch of original one-off novels when you can retread the same characters and the same story over and endlessly over again. Publishers and agents will love you for that. Yawn. If you don't have at least a trilogy through, you can fuck off and die, because that's simply not good enough! All authors know this. So, "Billie wakes from a coma with an extraordinary ability: She can see and communicate with departed souls." Never read that description ever before! "When a detective shows up seeking answers about a murder case, can she piece together the dreadful secrets the dead whisper to her day and night?" Can she? Well duhh! And why would an intelligent detective want a psychic to help when they never, ever, ever, ever have in real life?! I'll bet the dead can never name the killer up front, either, in this series. I'll bet all they have is the vaguest of clues so the psychic is practically of no use whatsoever to the detective. Yawn.
April Fools by Jess Lourey
"When a girl vanishes, librarian and amateur sleuth Mira finds a note connecting the disappearance to her own father, who died 13 years ago. Can Mira solve the mystery?" Who gives a shit? Really? She's a fucking librarian, not a cop! Doubtlessly she's great at tracking down a book, but a killer? Not the same thing! So what's the point of this? Is it just so's the librarian can say "Book him" at the end of the mystery? LOL!
Tempting Boundaries by Carrie Ann Ryan
"Decker has always lusted after his best friend’s little sister, the woman he can’t have." Why is that? Why is this tired old cliché still kept alive? And why is this woman (assuming she's a woman and not a child!) a possession to be owned or had, like she's some trophy or family heirloom? On the other hand if all he has is lust for her, and he's always had it - meaning he lusted after her when she was a juvenile, then she definitely needs to be protected from a child predator like Dick her...um Decker. I'll bet the only topics this author doesn't explore are decency, integrity, and morality. Barf squared.
Death on the Sapphire by RJ Koreto
"Lady Frances Ffolkes must track down a missing manuscript - while pursuing a dangerous killer." Are there killers who aren't dangerous? I'm just asking....
Geostorm: The Shift by Bobby Akart
This author, who I've never heard of, has his name take up fully one-half of the book cover! Why? Who knows? The story is really a rip-off of the movie The Core, and both of them have it wrong.
There will be a magnetic pole reversal on Earth and it will cause disruption, but such reversals do not take place overnight. It can take thousands of years, and the worst effects will most likely be to our electronics. We don't need a compass to navigate now we have GPS satellites, but these satellites themselves will be at risk of failing should Earth's magnetic field die - which it will before it grows again after the reversal. For a while we could have several north and south poles at the same time, so even a compass would be useless!
Other than that - and perhaps some increased health risks when cosmic rays are no longer kept out of Earth's biosphere because the magnetism is gone, or is disrupted - we'll be fine, so this book is scare-mongering at best.
This story asks, "When the Earth’s magnetic fields begin to weaken, meteorologist Chapman Boone and his sister, Kristi, recognize signs of a coming apocalypse - and now they must fight to survive… An adrenaline-charged adventure that kicks off a series!" Oh god, another series. Fuck this shit.
Whisper Network by Chandler Baker
"A New York Times bestseller that Reese Witherspoon calls 'honest, timely, and completely thrilling' " Why would I care what Reese Witherspoon thinks? This is the woman who, in 2013, was arrested for disorderly conduct after her husband was stopped on suspicion of DWI. She then had the snotty pretentiousness to ask the police officer, doing his job, "Do you know my name? You’re about to find out who I am! You’re about to be on national news."
No, she was on national news for being an asshole. I would not want her name associated with anything I did. I would more likely take a pass (if not a piss) on a story she recommends than ever I would read it.
But back to the unoriginal story: is this author a chandler or a baker? Just kidding. The plot has it that: "When the CEO of the company dies, Sloane’s boss, Ames, is poised to take over. But Ames has more than a few skeletons in his closet, and Sloane and her colleagues will expose them - at any cost." Who cares? I care as much about that as I do about who Witherspoon is. Here's the final insult: "Serrated as a kitchen knife, and twice as sharp" said AJ Finn of this story. I don't know who that is and I'll bet I don't get on national news for not knowing.
Moving Is Murder by Sara Rosett
"After a fellow military wife dies suspiciously, new mom Ellie tries to catch the killer - without ending up dead herself!" Isn't that what military police are for? I've never got the 'cozy' bit of a cozy murder mystery especially not one described as 'fun'. I've never thought murder was fun.
Hunted Witch Agency by R Medhurst
"A complete urban fantasy series!" Of course it is! "Half warlock and half witch, Devon Jinx is torn between two worlds." That main character name is where I checked out of any interest at all in this mess.
Delectable by Adrianne Lee
"After Quint's mother opens a pie shop, Callee is forced to help him run the business - even though she wanted to break up!" It sounds like Callee needs to look up the definition of 'manipulation'! But there's no killing in this novel - as far as I can tell - except maybe of Callee's freedom! The crime here is that once again we have a female author trashing her female main character. I don't get that mentality at all.
Docia Departed by Angela Kulig
"Seventeen-year-old Docia gave up her life for a lie - and now she's doomed to suffer for eternity. But when a fallen angel named Fox offers her a way out, she'll do anything to leave the otherworld behind" So what's Docia's last name? Scully? And exactly how old is this angel who's in a power position over this seventeen-year-old girl? Yuk!
Ramses the Damned by Anne Rice, Christopher Rice
"Egyptian pharaoh Ramses the Great is brought to life in Edwardian England." LOL! I don't get this sneaking your offspring in under your own name - well I do get it. It makes it a lot easier to get sales if you link your name to an author who has some sales to her name, but seriously? I wouldn't read it on that basis alone. And the plot? WTF?!
Beachfront Bakery: A Killer Cupcake by Fiona Grace
"Hoping for a charming new life, exhausted chef Allison leaves the big city and sets up a bakery on the boardwalk - but when a man is found dead outside her shop, she'll have to dust the flour off her hands and do some serious sleuthing" Why? This isn't even in her shop! And it's none of her damned business! Another half-baked 'cozy' mystery. What would be funny is if her bakery were literally on the boardwalk - right in the middle of it. Then I might get with this story. But barf.
The Elusive Mrs. Pollifax by Dorothy Gilman
"When the CIA enlists Mrs. Pollifax for an undercover mission, she embarks on an international adventure with eight forged passports hidden under her new hat!" Why send an older and unqualified woman into danger when they could just send a Pollifax machine? And passports hidden under her hat? Clearly she's entirely wrong for this gig.
Fireborne by Rosaria Munda
"a brutal revolution during their childhood made lowborn Annie and aristocratic Lee equals. But when the old regime reemerges, the two dragonriders will face challenges like never before" Ri-ight! This is why you should never read a novel with the word 'borne' as part of the title - not even Jason Bourne. And frankly I'm wondering if this author even knows the difference between born and borne.
Found at the Rock Concert by Christi Snow
"Rock star Daniel, bodyguard Luke, and CEO Austin all feel as though they are alone in the world — all with past pain that affects their current lives. But when the men end up stranded in a snowstorm together, they may find the love they need to heal." Another author who can't tell the difference between unsafe sex and love.
Blackbird by Michael Fiegel
"Edison, a remorseless hit man, decides to take mercy on a young girl named Christian" so, evidently not remorseless. The book blurb is already lying! "and launches her into a twisted new life as a killer’s apprentice." Can you say 'Professional rip-off'? Yawn.
Dark Memories by Liz Mistry
Liz Mistry is a pretty cool name for an author, but this book description wins this week's 'unoriginal' award. "As DS Nikki Parekh and DC Sajid Malik investigate three seemingly unrelated murders, they struggle to find answers… until Nikki receives a series of taunting notes. Are all three crimes united by Nikki’s own traumatic past!" How many more cookie-cutter novels are we going to suffer, where the investigator has a past which is traumatic, or shady, or murky, or otherwise besmirched? Barf.
Recipe for a Perfect Wife by Karma Brown
"When Alice finds a 1950s cookbook in her suburban home, she uncovers secrets about the previous owner." Who cares?
Sunday the Rabbi Stayed Home by Harry Kemelman
"Rabbi David Small does his best to prepare for Passover while investigating a murder on a New England college campus." And a rabbi is investigating the murder because...? Are the cops off on Sundays? Oy Vey! Why doesn't Rabbi Small pray for the solution? Does he have no faith?
The Enigma Strain by Nick Thacker
The title is enough to kill this one. "When terrorists detonate a bomb at Yellowstone National Park," Why there instead of new York City or Los Angeles? Just asking! "...Ranger Harvey Bennett realizes they’ve released a biological weapon into the air — and he must team up with agent Juliette Richardson to stop a catastrophe" Why? Can't he just alert the authorities and the media and keep everyone away? What's Ranger Ben going to do exactly? Fight the virus with his fists? Now that, I would read. But not this.
Blue Hollow by Cheryl Rees-Price
"After the murder of a family friend, journalist Dora Lewis searches for answers in a secret collection of cassette tapes he left behind." Why were those not turned over to the police? Or is this yet another 'amateur sleuth' bullshit story where the police are utterly incompetent and only a rank amateur can solve the case? "But the deeper she probes for the truth, the more she risks reawakening her own dark past." There it is, the investigator with a dark secret. How many times exactly has this seriously worn-out plot been overdone now? I lost count. Barf.