"After a storm leaves a group of students stranded at Blackbrook Academy, the headmaster’s dead body is discovered. And everyone has a motive for murder." So the same story that's already been retreaded and re-run to death a score square of times. People trapped in a building, no one interested in rescuing them. No police available. Of course this happens all the time. And Blackbrook Academy? Really? Barf.
Saturday, October 9, 2021
Sugar by Kimberly Stuart
Ready to move beyond an assistant role, pastry chef Charlie agrees to work at her ex’s restaurant" where she'll be an assistant.... "...things take a surprising turn when she learns they’ll be the subject of a reality show!" - none of which actually have a single thing in common with reality. Another pie-crust promise of a blurb. Barf.
Pretty Little Liars by Sara Shepard
"Five friends formed the clique that ruled the school - until their leader, Alison, went missing. Now, mysterious notes may bring old secrets to light." Nothing new or original here. The missing "Alison" was really her twin Courtney. This is neither the first nor the last time the tedious twin ruse has been used. Yawn. And that cover illustration - of the anorexic girl? Is this really the example we want to set? Barf.
A-List F*ck Club by Charlie Hart aka Frankie Love
Callahan works as a bartender at an exclusive, anonymous adult club — no one knows he’s really the owner. But when innocent virgin Juliana shows up, she’s everything he ever wanted… and he’ll do whatever it takes to have her for his own!" Including rapong her or otherwise pressuring her into bed, because novels like this are pure, adulterated shit. Women are to be possessed and used. They have no value or worth other than their virginity. This is pornography at its worst.
Spectacular Stories for Curious Kids by Jesse Sullivan
"Explore 100 fascinating, fun, and true tales that span history, science, entertainment, and more! From accidental inventions and the sandwich that started a war...." Sorry, but that's a lie. A sandwich did not start a war. The killer of the Archduke Ferdinand was waiting where he should have been. It was the Archduke's motorcade that went the wrong way; instead of taking an alternate route, the idiot driver followed the expected route and Princip was right there, waiting and able to successfully murder the man. This 'sandwich' story is post-hoc bullshit. No wonder they're giving this book away for free!
Star Trek The Wrath of Khan by Vonda N McIntyre
The crew of the Enterprise are tossers. That's why the original series is commonly referrred to as TOS. The book blurb is happy to skirt the fact that James Tiberiasshole Kirk caused the whole problem with Khan in the first place. "...it’s up to James Kirk, Mr Spock, and the stalwart crew of the Enterprise to save the day — and the galaxy!" Ri-ight, because there's no one anywhere in the entire galaxy that can fix this except for James Trump. I mean why not call thim that? His arrogance is unsurpassed. He has zero clue how to delegate. He speaks in weird disjointed sentences and insists his mangled words are law. He has no qualms about taking advantage of every woman who comes his way, like she owes him. Donald Trump and James Kirk are the same! I see no differences between them.
Spock is the dumbest character onboard since he consistently fails to grasp human idiosyncrasy and foibles despite having been among them for literally decades and despite repeatedly (and tediously) demonstrating an encylopedic knowledge of Earth and its history. Mary Sue McCoy is the best doctor in the galaxy despite himself being an asshole in the way he treats people. But at least he can look at a glowstick and diagnose any condition and treat it. Except of course when it comes to a Klingon depsite having known this race his entire career. Scott never was an engineer. He was a sorcerer who could magically fix anything on an impossible schedule. Uhura is a sex bomb in a mini-skirt, and part-time telephone operator who can 'put you through now' and that's pretty much it. It's a tragedy that someone charity-dropped into a token minority role like that would be the one to inspire so many other minority females that they too, could be eye candy. Yawn.
Mistress of the Art of Death by Diana Norman, aka Ariana Franklin
In this “vibrant medieval mystery” (The New York Times).
Lie! What the NYT said was "vibrant tapestry of medieval life." Close, but no cigar, and now we know the book blurb is a lie from the off! In a time when women were possessions, we're expected to believe that "forensics expert Adelia is hired by King Henry II to solve a series of murders in Cambridge. Can she unravel the truth before the killer strikes again?" Who cares? And why would the king give a shit about some murders in Cambridge when he's fully occupied trying to fight wars and rule his unruly children? Henry 2.0 didn't even trust his own wife despite her delivering him eight kids - in her thirties yet, and including five heirs (those would be the sons, because the daughters, being female, were fit only for marriage alliances, recall). He's sure as hell not going to hire a woman to do anything important except spread her legs for him. Given that there were only about 2,000 people living in Cambridge in those years, it hardly required anyone other than the local authority to police the place! Yawn. Since Norman died a decade ago, she's not going to get a penny of the sale price from this book.
Bullet Rain by Robert Swartwood
"For fans of Jack Reacher" That lets me out. I'm not a fan of any novel that has a main character given the pathetically unimaginative name of 'Jack'. "Free from his job as a government hit man," Right, because the government employs a shit ton of those. "Nova sets off on a cross-country odyssey." Nova? Seriously? "When misfortune strands him in the Nevada desert, he’ll stumble into a tiny town hiding untold dangers." and yeah, we get it, a bullet rain. The title alone is enough to shut this one down. Barf.
Friday, October 8, 2021
Deuce Mora Mystery Series Vol. 1–3 by Jean Heller
"Whether it’s human trafficking or local corruption, Chicago journalist and sleuth Deuce Mora is determined to uncover criminal activity" Yawn. This series is apparently set in modern times, but it seems like it's a century late. And Deuce? Honestly? Barf. Anyone want to give odds it's written in first person?
Left for Dead by Paul J Teague
"In a last attempt to repair their crumbling marriage, Charlotte and Will return to the seaside resort where they met as teenagers. But visiting a scene from their past also brings up terrible memories — ones that they had hoped to bury forever." So why the fuck go back there? This tells me that both Charlotte and Will are dumb-fucks who deserve each other. Problem solved. Barf.
Wanted by J Kenner
"Angelina Raine" Seriously? Why not go the whole hog and call her Goldie Raine? "...craves the one man she can’t have — but she can’t resist temptation forever. Is she ready to enter bad boy Evan Black’s passionate world?" Who honestly gives a shit? This bad boy motif is tired and pathetic. This mythology of the virginal innocent woman and the bad boy who 'educates' her is misogynistic and needs rejection. And 'Angelina' in a novel titled after the movie Angelina Jolie starred in? Really?
Trouble in Paradise by Robert B Parker
"Paradise police chief Jesse Stone goes up against master criminal James Macklin, who has assembled a crack team to loot an exclusive and wealth-laden island." Happily, they're so addicted to crack that they're useless, and the police find they have nothing to do. Seriously - yet another story where the main character has one of those hard-bitten names like 'Stone', 'Steele' or 'Cage'? Get a life.
The Empowered Ones: Books 1 & 2 by MS Olney
When Elian discovers he possesses new magical abilities, he must team up with a ragtag group of rebels" stop right there. Any blurb that has 'ragtag', 'quirky', or 'misfit' in the wording is an automatic reject. And what's with the fucking cloaks and hoods? Seriously? And why must he team up with anyone? Never mind. Don't answer that, I don't care!
The Forger's Daughter by Bradford Morrow
Here's another one - The ____'s daughter, but at least this has the distinction of not being written by a female author, so I guess that's something. "When a legendary manuscript arrives at his house along with a list of demands, former literary forger Will must take up his illegal craft once more and create the perfect forgery of Edgar Allan Poe’s Tamerlane" because there's no way in hell that going to the police ever solved anything.
The Butcher’s Daughter by Wendy Corsi Staub
"Searching for a detective’s missing daughter leads genealogist Amelia to the vicious descendant of a famous killer" Title taken from a Demi Moore movie and once again dismissing a female character as a guy's appendage. Way to go!
Love Unexpected by Marina Hanna
"Jules shares a kiss with a mysterious stranger who walks away — and when she shows up at her new job, she’s shocked to find out he’s her boss. Adam doesn’t do relationships, but Jules is irresistible… and their" relationship is entirely inappropriate, but since when has that stopped female authors from normalizing this horseshit, like it's perfectly fine, ordinary, and acceptable to put a woman in this position? And yet again conflating sex with love? barf.
Memory of Water by Emmi Itäranta
The title alone is sufficient to warn anyone off this story, before we even consider the dumb blurb: "In a bleak future world, Noria is a tea master’s apprentice — and one of very few who know the location of a precious water source." Yep! It's the fucking ocean. Yawn. But don't worry about all those thousands dying horribly of thirst. We have tea to make....
Faking It by Riley Hart, Devon McCormack
"When near-strangers Gary and Travis are mistaken for a couple, they decide to keep up the ruse to annoy Gary’s ex and impress Travis’s investors." The title is from the MTV show about a couple faking their relationship, and the most amazing thing about this cookie-cutter retread of a novel is that it took two people to clone a story that has been told quite literally scores of times before. There is literally not a single thing that's new here except the authors' names.
Fire Starter by P Anastasia
Isn't that Stephen King's title? "Alice’s normal teenage life is upended when a dying alien race chooses her to preserve their bioluminescent DNA." Evidently the author doesn't get that bioluminescence requires two things: luciferin (or something similer) and an enzyme which triggers the bioluminescence using the luciferin, typically called luciferase. It makes zero sense to talk of bioluminescent DNA. What would be the point? "As she struggles to keep her secret hidden, she must contend with unexpected romance" Ri-ight, because she's quite literally the only one on planet Earth who did notexpect there to be a romance. barf.
Apple Orchard Mysteries Books 1–10 by Chelsea Thomas
When heartbroken Chelsea ditches the city for her family’s sprawling apple orchard, she’s ready to spend her days relaxing with plates of warm pie… but then a dead body is picked from the trees! Follow Chelsea and her aunt, Miss May, as they solve a bushel of mysteries in this complete box set." Why not call her Granny Smith and be done with it? This heartbroken 'fleeing waif' motif is such a tired trope. I'll bet the author has no idea that the word 'bushel' comes from a French term meaning "little box" and so it particularly à propos for this box set, but there isn't a box anyway so what does it matter?
The Book of Life by Deborah Harkness
"As enemies loom, witch Diana Bishop" cuts the cloth they produce "and vampire Matthew Clairmont" fashions it into bespoke clothing. What a joy. And nary a werewolf in sight. Barf.
Thursday, October 7, 2021
The Roosevelt Conspiracy by Matt James
"When a mysterious letter written by Theodore Roosevelt is discovered, former Delta operator Jack Reilly" Stop right there. Jack is the most boring name ever. It's been done to death squared, and still idiot writers can't find the wherewithal to come up with a better name. Nor can they, it seems, get away from the abject worship of ancient US history. Yawn. Just once in a while wouldn't it be nice to get something new, fresh, and original, with a decent main character whose name isn't retreaded from countless action adventure novels that preceded this one? And a sensible plot that isn't tied to some discovery from USA antiquity? Or is it just me?
Seven Unholy Days by Jerry Hatchett
Jerry Hatchett? Really? Isn't that just a little bit too much like Terry Pratchett? I mean it's exactly the same spelling except for the three leading letters! We're told that this "Will leave readers breathless and flipping pages long into the night… Not to be missed!" No! It's to be avoided like the plague! I'd be flipping pages off. "When a cyberattack plunges America into darkness," even in the daytime! "Matt Decker works fast to track down and stop the hacker — before he can carry out a diabolical plan." Because a heavenly plan is just not realistic.... Yawn. Another Hatchett job.
Locked On by Tom Clancy, Mark Greaney
"[Clancy] at top of his game" - shows what the Chicago Tribune knows! LOL! "Presidential nominee Jack Ryan..." stop right there at 'Jack' I'm out of here.
A Dying Fall by Elly Griffiths
Another amateur meddler: "When archaeologist Ruth Galloway hears of an old friend’s sudden death in a house fire," she considers herself eminently qualifed to solve this, and summarily tells the arson investigator to fuck off. "...she works to uncover the truth behind his demise" which turns out to be smoke inhalation. The guy had heard it was a crack house, so he set fire to it and tried to inhale. "...and the recent discovery that made him fear for his life" which was that his smoke alarm wasn't working. Solved.
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