Fingering Her Lesbian Boss by Conner Hayden

Rating: WARTY!

Okay, call me stupid. I definitely should have known from the title that this story was a non-starter, but I liked how baldly stated it was. I thought it might be an amusing story if it were written paradoxically sensitively when compared with the crudeness of the title, but it was far from that.

It was about a babysitter taking advantage of a drunk, straight woman coming home after a failed date. The babysitter is lesbian, and has had a crush on the older woman for a while. The story could have been wonderful, but it was written so inappropriately (even before the actual and ham-fisted sexual escapades began) and so badly, and it was all about sex with no romance and zero sensuality. It was also formatted very badly and overall was just a really awful story. I can't commend it except for the fact that it's very short, so it could have been a lot worse. Here's one sample that should tell you all you need to know about this non-story: "Stacey could see Mrs Conrad’s eyes glued to her little white knickers." Barf.

Stone Cold by AP Bateman

Rating: WARTY!

"Running from his past and the FBI, agent Rob Stone heads to the Alaskan wilderness to disappear." So another dumb-ass story making pathetic plays on the main character's ridiculously hard-bitten name? Barf.

Girl Gone Viral by Alisha Rai

Rating: WARTY!

I used to like NPR, but they apparently think this is "A page-turner you won’t put down" I disagree: it actually needs to be put down if the dumb-ass book description is anything to go by. "When someone live-tweets her coffee shop conversation with a stranger, Katrina finds herself thrust into the spotlight. And though the public is rooting for her to reconnect with the man, Katrina only has eyes for her bodyguard, Jas." WTAF? If she has a bodyguard, isn't she already in the spotlight? And WTF was the bodyguard doing that he didn't notice this invasion of her privacy? Fire his ass. And who gives a fuck about this stranger? And the authority figure in her life - the bodyguard - isn't considered an inappropriate relationship? This novel is so many kinds of wrong it's a dumpster fire. But nice play on "Gone Girl" with the title. Maybe that'll net you a few sales and everything will be A'Rai, A'Rai, A'Rai....

The Golden Spider by Anne Renwick

Rating: WARTY!

"Lady Amanda’s brilliant invention, a clockwork spider," In what way is that remotely brilliant? But when this is stolen, instead of saying who gives a shit, she's "forced to ally with a stubborn, grumpy scientist," How many times has this same shit been written already? Grump vs hottie falling in lust? Too many, that's for sure. Another purported steampunk cookie-cutter novel that's got nothing to do with the genre. Yawn.

Death in the Stacks by Jenn McKinlay

Rating: WARTY!

"When library director Lindsey discovers a dead body, it’s up to her to sort through the clues and book the real killer" because there are no police ever in any of these shitty, dumb-ass stories and even if there were, they're be fucking useless. Only a librarian can bring the villain to book.... Barf.

Murder on Cold Street by Sherry Thomas

Rating: WARTY!

"In Victorian London, Charlotte Holmes, Lady Sherlock" WTF? Lady Sherlock? Lady Sherlock? Horseshit! That is so many kinds of bad. What a rip-off!

Deadly Lies by Chris Collett

Rating: WARTY!

"Journalist Eddie Barham" Oh look! A journalist named Eddie. How original! "...is found dead with a syringe in his arm and an apparent suicide note… but DI Tom Mariner can’t accept the explanation when he discovers the deceased’s brother, who is autistic, hiding under the stairs." Isn't this pretty much the same plot of the Bruce Willis movie Mercury Rising? Yawn.

Moon Blind Duology by Aimee Easterling

Rating: WARTY!

"Archaeology professor Olivia has gone to great lengths to hide her identity as a werewolf." which is why she's published this first person dilogy (duology is not a thing and if an author doesn't know that, she's not worth reading) to continue to maintain her secret. What a bunch of wolfshit!

One of Ours Willa Cather

Rating: WARTY!

"Young idealist Claude has his future ready-made, but despite the dangers of influenza and the rising fervor of World War I, he decides to enlist in the army. Can he find a purpose for himself?" Who gives a shit? Anyone? Bueller? You know the flu really didn't take off until after the US entered the war a year prior, but Willa apparently didn't. This novel ought to have been titled Willa Flu Over the Cather's Nest.

Snuff by Terry Pratchett

Rating: WARTY!

"Sam Vimes, commander of the City Watch, is finally taking a well-deserved vacation. But before he can relax, he’s caught up in a mystery fraught with magic, murder, and mayhem!" So, in short, this is just another cookie-cutter 'guy comes out of retirement 'cos he's the only motherfucker on planet Earth (or wherever) who can fix it'. What's the protagonist's name? Donald Trump? LOL! Kiss my ass. Pratchett's long dead. He's not going to get a red cent from this, but maybe his wife and daughter will benefit from the sale.

The Scrying Game by Christine Zane Thomas

Rating: WARTY!

"When psychic Willow Brown inherits her late great-aunt’s home, she returns to small-town Mossy Pointe — where she discovers the spirit of her Aunt Cora in the body of a cat!" Fuck me backwards. Seriously? Are you sure your middle name isn't inzane? No. Just no. never. Not ever.

Cold Hearted Bastard by Jennifer Dawson

Rating: WARTY!

"Arrogant Jackson and feisty Gwen are both used to getting what they want" sounds like a pair of spoiled kids ot me. "...and when these two forces of nature" hardly. "...collide, their explosive sexual tension erupts into a sexy battle of wills!" Oh look - an antagonistic couple eventually fall in lust. How original! I never heard that plot before - except for the thousand times I have. And one of them is called Jackson. Yawn. Jackson means son of Jack: the most tiresomely over-used name in literary history. This tells me that this author doesn't have an original writing bone in her body.

Agent Nora Wexler Mysteries: Books 1–3 by Jason Letts

Rating: WARTY!

"When tech-savvy agent Nora Wexler joins the FBI," Wait, she's an agent before she joins the FBI? An agent of what? Trope? "...she teams up with military veteran Travis Greer...." Of course she does because a woman is useless without a guy to lend her value. Barf. This crap has been done to death. There's not a thing new here at all.

The Sisters Brothers by Patrick deWitt

Rating: WARTY!

"Hired guns Charlie and Eli Sisters set off to catch a prospector," So they're going to murder him because he's a prospector? Does that mean he has no prospects? That sounds half-witted at best. Yawn.

Sweet Magnolias Feels Like Family by Sherryl Woods

Rating: WARTY!

Anything with the word 'magnolia' in the title is a definite no. This one is just stupid: "At 42, career woman Helen is finally ready to start a family" Finally ready? The very fact that she's put her career first tells me she's half-hearted about a family at best, and she apparently doesn't even have a partner! Not that she needs one by any means, but the fact that she's left it so late and has nothing in the way of a plan really mitigates against the assertion that she's a successful business woman. The two facets of her life would seem incompatible. And it's a real question mark against her commitment to this. The odds are against any woman trying to start a family in her forties: less than fifty percent. This tells me Helen is an idiot who didn't think this through. It doesn't mean she can't get pregnant by any means; very many women do, but having read this blurb, I have no interest in following this woman's story at all. She's not someone I feel compelled to care about.

The Earthborn Box Set Books 1–3 by Adair Hart

Rating: WARTY!

"Intergalactic bounty hunter Blake Brown is ready for a vacation when he gets an offer he can’t refuse" Vito Corleone wants him to find a place for his nephew in the Galactovision Song Contest. This is yet another tedious retelling of the dedicated guy who comes out of retirement, or in this case abandons his vacation plans, to set the world to rights. Yawn. Must everyone travel this worn-out, old, retreaded road? Could the guy not have been looking for work? Or about to accept another job, but gives that up for this one? Must this be a cookie-cutter clone of scores of other stories that tell the same tired tale? Apparently this author has no imaginaiton and no sense of adventure, so why should I read this? Why doesn't he Adair to be different?

Fate Bound by Madeline Freeman

Rating: WARTY!

"When Ava survives a deadly attack, she wakes up as both a werewolf and a vampire - but the supernatural community hates hybrids. Can Ava’s alpha, Jack, find a way to keep her safe?" Jack? Seriously? You'd think with a name like 'Freeman' this author would want to free herself from cloning and cliché, but evidently not. She goes right with the most overused "action man" name ever employed in the history of novels. Barf. I'm not a fan of vampire-werewolf (they're pretty much always paired, aren't they?) stories myself, but this one defintiely has gone to the dogs. In fact, it's barking mad. Don't worry, I'll send a bouquet of lupins to its funeral. In a bunch....

The Raja’s Lost Treasure by Garrett Drake

Rating: WARTY!

"In 1922, intelligence officer Richard Halliburton sets out on a perilous quest across India to beat an elite German unit to a secret treasure" What elite German unit? It's 19-fucking-22! Germany was falling apart. "...but can he survive the danger that lurks around every corner?" I hope not, because: colonialism? Barf.

Blackbird by Michael Fiegel

Rating: WARTY!

"Edison, a remorseless hit man, decides to take mercy on a young girl named Christian" because all remorseless hit-men do that. "...and launches her into a twisted new life as a killer’s apprentice." Can anyone say The Professional redux? Yawn.

The Pretend Billionaire Groom Box Set by Sierra Rose

Rating: WARTY!

"Rose needs a husband before her next birthday" Why? "...so she calls on her childhood best friend, Tommy — but the red-hot chemistry between her and his billionaire brother, Dylan, sparks a change of plans." Of course it does, because he's a billionaire and her legs open like a piggy bank. Who gives a shit about Tommy? Barf. Another piece of crap story, and not even a box to poop-scoop it into.... And Sierra Rose? Really? Is that even a real name? It's getting hard to tell these days with so many fakers out there.

Sugar and Ice by Aven Ellis / Faite Falling by Mary E Twomey / Considering Kate by Nora Roberts

Rating: WARTY!

Here's a trifecta for ya: In "Sugar and Ice" by Aven Ellis, "After a breakup, recipe tester Josephine decides to focus her attention on baking — until hockey player Cade comes to her rescue during an oven emergency. Can she have her cake and eat it too in this delicious rom-com?" Is there any fucking doubt? Or does the blurb writer think all readers are imbeciles? And do we need yet another maiden in distress being rescued from a fiery dragon by St George...er a hockey player? No. Just no!

AND

In "Faite Falling Series: Books 1–3" by Mary E Twomey, "When the charm that was concealing her identity falls away, Rosie is thrust into an unfamiliar world of magic. To escape the evil queen, she teams up with Bastien — but he has his own agenda." Of course he does. He wants in her pants. But they won't fit! LOL! How is this story really any different from the mystery story above? Answer: It isn't! They're the same fucking story. Yawn.

AND

In "Considering Kate" by Nora Roberts"Kate follows her dream of turning a dilapidated old building into her own business — only to forge a surprising connection with the contractor she hires, a single dad named Brody" That surprises no one but the book blurb writer. How is this any different from either of the two above? it isn't. Tedious, cookie-cutter clone horseshit. Yawn.

The Butler by Danielle Steel

Rating: WARTY!

"Following his father’s death, Joachim moves to Europe with his mother and begins working as a butler in some of the stateliest English homes. But a stint with a new employer will force Joachim to confront his family’s dark past." Of course it will because how could he ever hope to get away with it? An "American" butling in Britain? Unless, of course, it's in an "American" novel which cannot be published - by act of Congress - when set in a foregn country, unless there's at least one "American" in the book. It's the rules. Yawn.

Slayground by Richard Stark

Rating: WARTY!

Unoriginal title, boring plot, and Lawrence Block apparebrtly saud of this: "These are the books you’ll want on that desert island." That tells me I need never read anyhtign he;s written. Here;s the dumb plot: "Trapped in an abandoned amusement park and outnumbered by a group of criminals looking to steal his loot, Parker must pull out all the stops to stay alive." Why do I care about another tedious shoot 'em up in a neverending line of tedious shoot 'em ups? We are not amused.

Euphoria by Lily King

Rating: WARTY!

"...a breathtaking novel about three young anthropologists of the '30's caught in a passionate love triangle that threatens their bonds, their careers, and, ultimately, their lives." So three anthroplogists who don't have a clue about humans. I'm sure it's charming. Barf.

The Royal We by Heather Cocks, Jessica Morgan / Royally Screwed by Emma Chase

Rating: WARTY!

The Royal We by Heather Cocks, Jessica Morgan

"When she arrives at Oxford, American undergraduate Bex Porter finds herself falling for the dreamboat who lives across the hall. But Nick Lyons has more on his plate than simply passing his classes — he’s next in line for the British throne!" Ri-ight! Because that's how it works! And there's no way in hell she'd recognize the next in line to the British throne because Bex is a moron! Bex, really? Is she heiress to the floor sweeper empire? And hell no you can't tell a story abroad without having at least one "American" in it. That's treasonous! And who would read it anyway? Barf. One more in a tediously long line of cookie-cutter, "Hey I gotst me a prince!" uninventive shallow bullshit fiction.

Exclusive: The sequel is called "The Royal Wee-Wee" as the now happily-married couple late potty-train their baby....

AND

Royally Screwed by Emma Chase

"Prince Nicholas is used to getting what he wants — but when he’s in need of a wife, can this arrogant royal capture the heart of independent Olivia?"

How are these tow any different? The price's name is even the same. Geeze how unimaginative these authros are. Yawn.