"When several young women are murdered, detective Sydney Willows is forced to work with alpha vampire Kade Issacson to solve the case. But can she resist the intoxicating desire sizzling between them?" Of course she can't and we know this because this same exact story has been told ten billion times already. Barf. I believe this author has one too many 'O's in her name.
Tuesday, November 2, 2021
Forever My Girl by Heidi McLaughlin
It says it right there in the title. Another female author. Another girl. Another posssession. "Liam always planned on marrying Josie, his high school sweetheart — but fame and fortune disrupted his plans." No, he chose his plans over her, period. Why is the book description writer outright LYING about what happened? Liam is a jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance, but there's Josie, on hold, waiting for him like the faithful little piece of male property she is. Barf.
Dax by Sawyer Bennett
"This barn burner of a romance" something needs to be burned, for sure. "...is written by a New York Times bestselling author " You sell five thousands books once, and you can get on this list and use that title forever even if you never slel another title and have to flog your discounted books online. "Hockey star Dax" Are you fucking kidding me? Hockey star? Again? And he's called Dax? Seriously? "...has always thought of his best friend’s little sister as family — but when Regan needs a marriage of convenience, his feelings start to change" Of course they do. He wants in her pants. If it were anything other than that, those feelings would have come to the surface long before. No surprises there. Barf.
The Salt Line by Holly Goddard Jones
No wonder Moronic Pylons Flying Kirkus thought this was darkly clever - it's as dumb as they are! "A border known as the salt line separates what’s left of humanity from a deadly, tick-infested wasteland" Yeah, but ticks need blood, and deprived of it they died, so how is it tick infested? It gets worse: "...but one expedition of survivors is determined to venture beyond it, no matter the consequences." Because they're fucking morons - either that or they believe the ticks have all died out too. But guess what? If you wear thick clothing and seal it up, the ticks are not a problems, so no matter how may different ways you look at this dumb-ass story, it's a dumb-ass story. That's doubtlessly why Kirkus loved it.
The Devil Colony by James Paul Czajkowski aka James Clemens aka James Rollins
"After a grisly archaeological discovery, Sigma Force leader Painter Crowe" Painter Crowe? Seriously? That's your character's name? "...risks everything to expose a shadowy cabal that has manipulated the US for centuries." Yeah right. For centuries, and gone completely undetected and unsuspected. Barf.
The Unbreakables by Lisa Barr
"After her marriage falls apart, 42-year-old Sophie flees to France." Flees to France? Seriously? Flees to France? Because that's how most of us peons view it. I feel so bad for Sophie. How will she ever recover from being in France? Surely ythere;s no way in hell she can find any happienss there...! Barf. Lisa needs to raise her bar.
Song of the Forever Rains by EJ Mellow
"Larkyra," Seriously? That's the best name you got? "...a powerful sorceress whose voice can kill," And I know I just non-reviewed a story with this exact same character - but by a different author - just in the last few days! How tediously unoriginal. It's like one book just flows right into the next anymore, with barely a ripple to distinguish where one ends and the enxt begins. Yawn.
The Order of Time by Scott P Southall
It seems like I just non-reviewed this same book, but this is evidently a clone of the other one because it's essentially the same plot. "In this rollicking adventure," That right there is enough to warn you off this one. "11-year-old twins Anastasia and Edward embark on a high-stakes mission to ancient Egypt!" Because as you know, the Egyptians are utterly useless and need American kids to save them. How abusive an idea is that? What an appalling insult to a foreign power. This author couldn't have written about Egyptian kids on a high stakes mission? No, because who gives a shit about those "shithole countries" unless there's a white American savior involved? really? No wonder we're detested by half the world and barely tolerated by the other half.
When We Vanished by Alanna Peterson
The title alone should warn people off this one, and the blurb just makes it worse as usual: "While volunteering for a study at the mysterious Nutrexo corporation, Andi’s dad disappears — and she and her neighbor Cyrus set out to unravel the truth" because unquestionably, the best solution to a disppearance is to have a couple of clueless meddling kids running around trying to solve it.
The Trials of Apollo: The Tower of Nero by Rick Riordan
"Lester, the mortal form of the Greek god Apollo, faces off against the terrifying emperor Nero. Can he emerge triumphant and reclaim his place on Mount Olympus?" He's a fucking god. What do you think will happen, Rick? This is the author who culturally appropriated Greek mythology, shamelessly relocated it to the USA for no valid reason other than 'who gives a shit about any other nation' (Hey, it worked for Trump), and no one thinks there's a problem with that. Quite the contrary. They guy got rich from it and is feted for it! So please, do not assail me with your cultural appropriation shit when wholesale rip-offs like this go down totally uncommented.
The Little Christmas Teashop of Second Chances by Donna Ashcroft
"While scrambling to plan her best friend’s Christmas wedding, Lily finds herself thrown together with the groom’s brother, Josh, who’s as infuriating as he is handsome." Because the infuriatingly handsome shtick hasnever been done before - if you don't count the million times it has. No, what's going to happen here is that the infurating handsome guy will marry the desperate idiot girl, the marriage will self-destruct because he will not cease being infuriating just because he's married. In fact, it will get worse, and one of these two will be murdered. That's what happens in real life. This is fiction, and the author evidently has not an original bone in her body.
The Shape of Us by Drew Davies
Trying to think of something nice to say, but Drew a blank. That pretentious title, right there is a loud warning to stay the hell away from this pile of steaming crap. "In this heartwarming listen for fans of Love Actually, the lives of four strangers seeking happiness and love in London intertwine in ways they never expected." You know they were the only ones who didn't expect it? Every other motherfucker on the planet fully expected exactly what happens in this unimaginative, retreaded mishmash.
Seeking the Sheriff by Calle J Brookes
You know there's a seriously good case to be made for bringing back being put into the stocks for stupid book blurb writers. This one is about as unoriginal as you can get: "When struggling rancher Phoebe meets local sheriff Joel, they’re on opposite ends of the law. But with chemistry that’s off the charts...." What chart? Who maintains this chart? How is it constructed, and what determines when a chemistry goes off it? And if every single one of these stories has the chemistry off the charts, then doesn't this strongly suggest that the fucking chart is useless? This moronic book blurb writer, who's probably a failed author, needs to get a clue. But I can promise you they won't because they cannot help themselves. It's an inescapable addiction to bad, clichéd, and trope writing, you see.
The Beautiful Ashes by Jeaniene Frost
"When her sister goes missing, Ivy seeks to free her" Free her from being missing?! "...with the help of mysterious, sinfully sexy Adrian" Of course she does because this is a another author who operates under the firm conviction that a woman is utterly useless without a man to prop her up. Barf.
One Last Breath by Adam Nicholls
"When a corpse is found with strange carvings in its chest, homicide detective Jessie must hunt down a ruthless killer" as opposed to those killers who still do, you know, have a bit of Ruth left.... Yawn.
Seducing Whitney by Stephanie Julian
"To prevent her viperous stepmother from getting everything, Whitney turns to Chase and Ryan, her late father’s protégés." becuase as you know - according to a disturbingly large number of female authors - females are useless unless they have at least one, and in this case two, guys to lend them some worth. So paradoxically, Whitney effectively sells her body to keep what ought to be rightfully hers anyway. It might be even funny if it were not so nauseating. Barf.
Girl of Glass by Megan O’Russell
"When 17-year-old Nola Kent discovers an outsider child, she must leave the domes that shield her people and venture into the poisoned wastelands beyond… But are the survivors who live outside still human?" and this same story of the YA girl outside the dome rescued by a guy has been done how many hundreds of times before? Yawn. How i dream fo fidning an original YA story without a dumabss romance and a love griangle between girl, sweet boy, and bad boy. The problem is, almost no female YA authors have a clue how to write such a story. I know this because if they did, we'd see such stories and we almost never do.
Chengli and the Silk Road Caravan by Hildi Kang
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
The were multiple problems with this novel which is why I can't commend it as a worthy read. The basic story sounded quite engrossing: Chengli Chau is a 13-year-old orphan who lives in Changan, in seventh century China. He feels a call to join a caravan traveling the old silk road across the desert from one city to another where he might discover what happened to his father (which he never really does), and he begins learning the ropes - literally, since one of his duties is making sure packs are tied securely on camels.
During the course of the novel he encounters problems, hardship, thievery, a bandit raid, and a kidnapped Chinese princess. And that was one of the problems with this relatively short (~200 pages) story: there was far too much going on! Naturally, no one wants to read a tedious documentary about an uneventful caravan journey even though, undoubtedly, most of them had little out of the ordinary happen to them from one trip to the next. But on this journey, it was like everything, including the kitchen sink (if they had such a thing back then!) was thrown at this poor boy, and his life on this trip was one long torturous trial. It became tedious to read of these endless miseries with no leavening whatsoever in between.
Naturally an author wants to spice-up a story, but the trip itself would have been adventure enough without all the added drama. It felt like too much - like overkill and as such felt unnatural - not like an organic story. The boy was constantly abused and threatened with having his head cut-off maybe a half-dozen times. It felt unnatural.
The other side of this coin is that the book description promises us that we can "experience the sights, sounds, and smells of this fabled desert route," but we really don't get a whole heck of a lot of that. There was a lot that could have been learned here of history, but all we did learn was of hardship. There was a lot more to discover, but we were not allowed the opportunity: such as of the kinds of things that were transported, the kinds of people who made up the caravan, the joys some must have felt, traveling and pursuing their calling.
But we really got none of that, and really, no smells! Sights, yes, sounds, some, but that was about it. I got no real sense of what it was like to travel and live in the desert. There was little to nothing that conveyed the beauty of the dunes, the heat of the day, the cold of the night, the mirages. There wasn't a word about desert wildlife or the night sky, or of navigating the endless sand. It felt barren and empty, more like a sketch of a story than a real story.
The description told us that Chengli was called to the desert, but once he began the journey we got none of that. His desert bond disappeared and we heard virtually nothing of it after that. He exhibited no calling whatsoever; no joy of the desert or of the sand. We got no feelings that he might have had of the desert wind in his hair or the spices it carried assaulting his nostrils. It fell completely flat because of the endless trials and pains he endured. There really was no joy in this story.
On top of all this, the book was poorly put together, too. There is no chaptering. It's one, long, continuous, 200 page story! One chapter! No illustrations. And so we can jump several days or more from one paragraph to the next which makes the story extremely choppy, and it robs us of any real sense of a long passage of time. As well as all that, we get false promises! We get, for example, at one point, a promise of the giant waterwheels, at an upcoming city, and then those water wheels are never mentioned again. The book was seriously in need of a competent book editor.
This had the potential to be a fun and engaging story for young kids, but for all the reasons I mentioned it was not and I can't commend it as a worthy read. Young kids deserve better than this.
Monday, November 1, 2021
Fight Dirty with Me by Imogen Keeper
"Stranded in a blizzard with a rugged stranger, Lex indulges her every fantasy with only one rule: no questions. But then Crowley shows up on her doorstep months later, looking for more." So this threatening-looking muscle-bound asshole on the cover stalks her to her fucking front door uninvited, and we're supposed to think "how romantic?" There's a word for the authors of this kind of garbage. What's the opposite of keeper?
Risking the Shot by Amy Aislin
"NHL forward Taylor Cunningham" Taylor? Really? "...can’t stop thinking about Dakota Cotton" Seriously? This just gets worse. "...but can single dad Dakota afford to risk everything for a man who’s so much younger than him?" Waht the fiuck is he riskiong? A few dates? Why allthe melodrama? "...Love sparks between two hockey players" Why is it always fucking hockey players? Do thes authors not use their brain at all? Do they have a formula where they just supply the names and a few twists to the plot, and a computer generates the clone story for them? Barf. Used to be a writer actually had to write. Used to be a writer actually had to know how to write....
King Arthur and Her Knights: The Complete Series by KM Shea
"When Britt is pulled back in time by King Arthur’s legendary sword," She encounters zero problems with language or with culture or with women being second-class citizens back then! How miraculous. "...she must rely on the help of the talented and handsome wizard, Merlin" Jesus Fucking H Christ on a Biscuit. Seriously? This is an exact copy of that dumb-ass Robin Hood bullshit I non-reviewed below ("Sherwood Outlaws" by Hayley Osborn) with just a few name changes. Do these authors not have an origional bone in their body?
Love Redesigned by Jenny Proctor
"When New Yorker Dani" How is she a New Yorker when she's from Charleston, dipshit? "...fails to get a job in fashion, she returns home to Charleston" (see - I told you!) "...and reconnects with her brother — and her ex, Alex. Will life in the South help her make her dreams come true?" No, because she's fricking loser! She failed with her ex. She failed with her dumb-ass fashion job - the most fatuous and pretentious occupation on the planet, and now she's running back home like the whiny ass little loser-bitch she is, and we're supposed to believe this shallow dipshit can make her dreams come true? Wasn't her dream fashion? She's an asshole, period, but at least she has a Procter-ologist.
Long Island Iced Tina by Maria DiRico
"It’s not long before things spiral out of control at a baby shower Mia is hosting at her catering hall." And who's fault is that? "First, one gift turns out to be a shocking surprise, and then a guest’s body is found nearby. Can Mia solve the mystery? " Is she a fucking cop? No! Then it's none of her goddamned meddling business. She needs to stay the fuck out of the way and let the professionals deal with it. This asshole can't even organize a babyshower; how in fuck is she going to solve a murder? Seriously?
The Last Warrior by Jennifer Ashley
"Ben, the last of an ancient warrior race, is tasked with rescuing beautiful Rhianne from the clutches of a powerful Fae lord." Of course he is, because if there's one thing far too many female writers have been ramming down our throats for decades now, it's that female main charcters are FUCKING USELESS without a guy to save them and given them meaning. Barf. Ashley and her ilk should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for perpetuating this abusive and demeaning trash.
American Heiress by Jeffrey Toobin
"After she was kidnapped by a political group, college student and heiress Patty Hearst stunned the public by participating in robberies alongside her captors" Who the fuck cares? Seriously? Toobin is clearly stuck for ideas. This took place almost a half century ago! But I'll tell you why you must care - why you absolutely cannot not care, and it's right there in the title! She's an American heiress, because not another heiress on the entire planet Earth matters one-tenth as much as an American one! There you have it! Finally: the truth is out! LOL! Barf.
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