Victoria Thompson? Really? Writing Victorian stories? Hmm.... You see? Once authors start lying about who they are, you can't trust any author name. "At the turn of the 20th century, midwife Sarah Brandt investigates a murder involving one of New York City’s richest families." And a midwife is investigating murders because? Oh, I know! She gets to use her renowned catchphrase, "Let's deliver this baby to the Big House!" (canned audience applause and laughter)
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
The Sunny Side Up Cozy Mysteries Box Set by Rosie A Point
Rosie Point? Seriously? Is that a eupehmism for a clitoris or a nipple? "Join Sunny as she takes over her quirky..." I'm done right there! No thanks! Put this set in a box and bury it six feet down.
Speechless by Madeline Freeman
"An absorbing, imaginative retelling of The Little Mermaid!" Because the world so desperately needs yet another one of those. Yawn. On a fish scale of one to ten? It's a binary scale, so not much.
Arcana by Jessica Leake
"In this historical tale of supernatural suspense, Katherine Sinclair must navigate Edwardian London society while attempting to conceal her mystical abilities from the sinister organization intent on stealing her power" Oh my god, that sounds like an impossibly tough gig. Yawn.
The Accidental Bestseller by Wendy Wax
"Desperate to revive her career, novelist Kendall and her three author friends write a book using their own secrets as inspiration — but what happens when it becomes a bestseller?" Who gives a shit?
Showdown in the Keys by Matthew Rief
"Navy SEAL vet Logan Dodge is finally ready to enjoy his retirement in the Caribbean." Logan Dodge? Seriously? And yet another story where the retiree is called out of retirement. This is so tired. So tired. Yawn. Zzzzzz!
The Other Woman by Sandie Jones
"Emily’s relationship with Adam is almost perfect." So why is there a problem? "There’s only one catch — his mother, Pammie, who’s about to show Emily just how far she’ll go to get what she wants" Again, why is there a problem? This is supposedly about Emily and Pammie (Pammie? Really?), but it's really about Adam. If he can't be trusted then fuck him! Move along! There's no story to see here. Yawn. If Adam knows how bad is mother is and does nothing, he's an asshole. If he doesn't, he's a dumbass. Either way, ditch him!
Deadly Motives by Ann Girdharry
"When a nurse is murdered at a hospital, Detective David Grant immediately recognizes the work of a serial killer he knows all too well. The only problem? David caught the killer decades ago — and he’s been in prison ever since" How many times has this same plot been done now? Yawn.
Movie Club Mysteries Books 1–3 by Zara Keane
"Ex-cop turned private investigator Maggie Doyle is looking for a quaint life on Whisper Island. Unfortunately, dead bodies keep turning up" Ri-ight. On this tiny island - which turns out to be more deadly than Chicago. Sure. Yawn.
Unleashed by Emily Kimelman
"Tough Joy Humbolt takes over a dog-walking business to avoid contact with people - but her plan backfires when she discovers a dead body on day one. Now Joy must delve into the potentially lethal secrets of Manhattan’s elite" because as everyone knows, a dog walker is hands-down better at solving crime than the entire NYPD. Barf. Maybe this author should go back on the leash until she gets a lead?!
Deadly Intent by James P Sumner
"Retired assassin Adrian Hell...." That name right there is enough to never want to read anything by this author. "...now runs a bar in rural Texas. But after strangers arrive to recruit him for a job, he’s drawn inexorably into a plot involving a sinister government conspiracy." A retiree is called back into the saddle? It's been done to death. And we're supposed to root for a murderer? No. Sorry, but no. So what does a retired assasin do - murders people for a hobby? And isn't every government conspiracy sinister? Or are some actually quite nice once you get to know them? Barf.
Commander by Sienna Snow
"When Tara Zain’s former lover, powerful Ashur Kumar, comes to her to propose an arrangement - for a fake marriage - she can’t help but say yes" That tells me what a complete dipshit she is. Bye!
House Broken by Sonja Yoerg
"After her disagreeable mother is injured, veterinarian Geneva works to rebuild their fractured relationship. But will shocking revelations tear them apart for good?" Who gives a shit? Really?
Planetfall by Emma Newman
"On an alien planet, Ren conceals a catastrophic secret from her fellow colonists" So she's a dishonest piece of controlling shit who would selfishly and thoughtlessly put her colleagues' lives at risk? No thanks.
Warprize by Elizabeth Vaughan
"Possibly the best romantic fantasy I have ever read" tells me all I'll ever need to know about Anne McCaffrey. "Lara must sacrifice her freedom to save her people when a Firelander Warlord claims her as his Warprize" Yep, because women are trophies and prizes. What's going to happen next - she'll fall for the brutal villain who owns her? Barf. Not only has it been done to death, it's bullshit. And warmed-over bullshit at that.
Feinted Love by Elle Keaton
"After one unforgettable night, Tobias never thought he’d see Arnie again - until he literally runs into him." So these two guys are both into unsafe sex? Wonderful. See you at the clinic.... Barf. And why is it that it's always women who are writing these gay men's stories? Is it because it's always women who are reading them? So much for #OwnVoices!
Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas
Entertainment Weekly purportedly described this as "Groundbreaking." Given that choice of word, I think they were being sarcastic. "When his family refuses to accept his identity, Yadriel summons a ghost to prove himself - but instead of resurrecting his dead cousin, he brings back his school’s bad boy, Julian." No. Just no. Hell to the no. This is dumb-assery at its height.
Four Last First Dates by Kate O’Keeffe
Between grief and her new catering company, Bailey has no time — especially not for love or the marriage pact she agreed to with her best friends. But when she meets Ryan, all bets may be off" Yep. This is as dumb-ass as it gets. Marriage pact? What are these women - thirteen? This tells me that Bailey is as dumb as a person can get and still keep breathing. Barf.
Murder in an English Village by Jessica Estavao, aka Jessie Crockett, aka Jessica Ellicott
Jessica Ellicott is actually quite a charming name - it seems like it ought to be borne by a character in a novel such as this rather than the author. That's because it's a fictional name. The author's actual name is Jessica Estavao, who also writes are Jessie Crockett. To me that's just plain dishonest, but I know a lot of authors do it in hopes of boosting sales. The book blurb is also a fail. "When murder rocks their sleepy English village, adventurous American Beryl and sophisticated Brit Edwina combine their talents as sleuths." Because heaven forbid we should have a novel without an American in it. It's just not done, Old Boy! This is writing at its most uninventive and formulaic. I'd question if the author has even been to Britain (New England doesn't count), and anything with the word 'sleuth' anywhere on it is anathema to me. Barf.
The Invisible Husband of Frick Island by Colleen Oakley
Supposedly hailed as 'imaginative, lovely, and full of surprises' by Kristan Higgins. Who the hell is Kristan Higgins and why shoudl ic are what they think? "On tiny Frick Island, widow Piper carries on like her husband’s still there." Many women do, but who gives a frick about this fictional one? Obiously she needs medical help and the assholes who are her neighbors clearly don't give a shit, so why should we?
Life and Other Inconveniences by Kristan Higgins
That title is a dead givaway right there. "When single mom Emma receives a call for help from her estranged grandmother, the two women are forced to confront the old wounds that tore them apart." No, and once again, hell no! If they're estranged, why does her grandmother even have her number? This 'old wounds' shtick has been done to death already.
Ravenstone The Complete Saga by MS Verish
"In this set of two novels, a mysterious wizard assembles a team of misfits" That's two strikes right there: 'Saga' in the title and 'a team of misfits' in the blurb. That's like a 'ragtag bunch' or 'quirky' Sorry, but no.
Heart of the Dragon by Jamie Sullivan
Here's one for the ages (the dark ages): "Young knight Richard of Benfro hopes to slay a legendary dragon - but he didn’t count on falling for his target’s human son! Oenyn loves his adoptive father, but when he meets Richard, he finds himself torn between two worlds… An enchanting fantasy romance." Not! How is Oenyn pronounced? Is it like 'Onan'? Stop dragon my heart around...Yawn.
Hollow Wishes by Juliet Vane
"Teenage Winter is friends with the ghost that lives in her family’s caverns...." Her family has caverns? Most people would call them cavities, but I geuss they just have big mouths. The question is, why is a ghost haunting them? Maybe it's a dentist? Yawn. Just another winter's tale. What are the odds that Winter's ghost is a hot manly dude? Barf. Another dumb-ass YA story.
Bloodsucking Fiends by Christopher Moore
"Jody wakes up in an alley craving blood." If I had a dime for every time that's happened to me...I'd have nothing. "Now an unwilling vampire, she enlists aid from a nighttime supermarket stocker to hunt down whoever left her for undead." WTF? Seriously? Some random shelf stocker is her solution? What we need is Christopher Less. And that title? Really?
Walter the Farting Dog by William Kotzwinkle, Glenn Murray, Audrey Colman
Why it took three people to write this I do not know. Publishers Weekly apparently describes it as "A crowd-pleaser." Somehow I doubt a farting dog would please many crowds. I never found farting amusing even when I was a kid, so for me, this one stinks. And now I know all I need to know about Publishers Weekly's credibility.
Finished Off in Fondant by Rosemarie Ross
"When chef Courtney heads to a luxurious resort in the Poconos to participate in a wedding-themed baking show, murder derails the first day of filming! Can Courtney unmask the culprit among the contestants and crew?" Because no one, but no one, is better qualifed to solve a murder case than a wedding cake baker. Barf. And why would they be wearing a mask? Wouldn't that be a dead giveaway? LOL!
Monday, October 4, 2021
Keeping Up with the Joneses by PR Hawkins aka Pualara Hawkins, or maybe Paulara Hawkins,
"Risa James has spent her life focusing on her career, and now she has everything she could ever want — except a love life. But when sparks fly with charming JD Jones during an interview, she realizes the handsome ex–NFL player may be just what she’s looking for." Yeah, because, like, he gives it two hundred percent, for sure and he's planning on going long and he's aiming for a three-peat. Barf.
The Fandom by Anna Day
"Violet and her friends are ecstatic to be at Comic-Con representing their favorite fandom — but when a freak accident transports them into the story’s dystopian world, the teens must act out the dangerous plot of the book to return to reality" Seriously? How many times has this same shit been warmed over? Yawn. Is the author's name really Anna Day or is she simply trying to conflate herself with Felicia Day?
Fire in Bone by Wes Markin
"Ex-detective" - remember that! "Jake Pettman" Jake is another name for Jack in these stories; it isn't any better. "...has left the UK behind and sought refuge in a small Maine community." Because gods forbid we should have a novel set anywhere other than the USA. "But his hopes for a quiet existence are dashed when the decades-old remains of a young schoolgirl wash up on a riverbank — and everyone in his new town seems to be hiding something." What the hell business is it of his? None! Let the local police deal with it you meddling little prick! Geeze!
Firestick by William W Johnstone, JA Johnstone
"After settling down at their horse ranch in West Texas, three legendary cowboys prove they’re not too old for a fight when trouble comes to town" Is 'firestick' a eupehmism for 'penis'? Barf.
Burned by Melissa F Miller
I have to ask: is there a template out there online somewhere that lazy authors can download to use, so they don't have to try and think of anything original? Do they just feed in their main character's name, find some love interest, and then the template slots the names into all the blank spaces and does all the work? Because these stories are so cookie-cutter that it's embarrassing - or it would be were I to try writing one that wasn't intended to be a parody.
Here we go: "After her cover is blown, CIA operative Olivia goes on the run — both from foreign enemies and her own government. Her only hope may be a former Navy SEAL with a dark past...." Of course it is, because she's fucking useless without a man. Just call her 'Maiden', call her rescuer 'Saint George', and call the CIA 'Codename Dragon', and you have it. Yawn. This book should definitely be burned.
Any Job Will Do by John Wilker
Meet yet another author who simply has not thought-through the immense cost and massive distances involved in interstellar travel. So here we go: "The unification wars are long over, and now war orphan Jax Caruso" Jax is enough to make me not want to read this right there. "...and his crew of droids traverse space, taking any work they can find." Yeah, because it's sure cheaper to maintain and run a spacecaraft from star to star than it is to work on one planet. Seriously? This is just dumb from the off.
Defiance by Cheree Alsop
"Werewolves are bound to protect their vampire masters...." Seriously? This obsessive-compulsive linking of werewolves and vampires is so tired it's way beyond fatigued. If the plot had had it the other way around that would be something approaching new, but this retreaded cookie-cutter clone bullshit is tedious. Yawn. This author seems sadly dedicated to writing clunkers.
And Dangerous to Know by Darcie Wilde aka Sarah Zettel
Darcie, seriously? For an English mystery inspired by Jane Austen? "When a lady requests her help in recovering a packet of stolen letters, sleuth...." Stop right there. That's me out. "Rosalind Thorne finds herself in a complicated plot involving Lord Byron, scandal - and murder." Of course she does. Why not bring in real historical people and make 'em dance to your tune? Admittedly Byron deserves everything he gets, but usually these things are done so badly. The whole idea of this turns me off, especially the main character's name.
Saving Grace by DM Barr
That title is enough to warn off this one. Typically, titles of this nature, with a woman's name in them, are no-no's. They're awful, particularly this one. "Grace just knows that once her father passes," the smell will be awful, so she sets about putting industrial-strength fans in every room. Passes? Really? Do you mean dies? "...her husband will kill her for the inheritance money. But who’s going to believe her?" Well, maybe the fucking cops. Jesus. Barf. No doubt some manly man will come to her rescue.
Seven Days of Us by Francesca Hornak
The very title here should warn you off this one. And why seven days? Why not twelve, if you're going for a christmas motif? "When the members of the Birch family are stuck in one house for seven days over Christmas, secrets and old tensions surface!" And we all know what those are. Arthur Ashe, Chris Pine, Holly Hunter, and Willow Smith join them, and they all watch Forrest Gump. Yawn.