"When Ellie Holmes's world collides with billionaire Devlin Saint, the passion between them is impossible to ignore" Trust me. It isn't. Yawn. And Devlin Saint? Really?
Thursday, October 14, 2021
A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers
"Formerly the artificial intelligence of the spaceship Wayfarer, Lovelace has woken up in a new body - with no memory of what happened." Easy: she was a porn movie star. Next intractable problem?
The It Girls by Karen Harper
"Follow sisters Lucy and Elinor - an aspiring designer and an impassioned novelist - as they overcome adversity and pursue their dreams." What a lot they're going to contribute to society. Barf.
How the Light Gets In by Louise Penny
"As the weather turns colder and the holidays approach, the festive atmosphere in Three Pines is marred by a famous woman's shocking murder." As opposed to those non-shocking mundane, everyday murders which no one in their right mind gives a shit about. No wonder the illiterates at Kirkus Reviews (where the light doesn't get in) loved this one.
Blood Witch by Naomi Clark
"Already an outcast among other witches, Lola has nowhere to turn when she's accused of murder. As she sets out to find the true killer with help from beautiful and mysterious Tristesse" Tristesse? Really? This crime should be a doddle to solve since they have magic at their disposal.
Under A Sicilian Sky by Lisa Hobman
"When actress Ruby Locke finds herself in the midst of a media snafu, her movie star fiancé breaks off their engagement - and sends Ruby fleeing to Sicily." Why? And more importantly, do we really need yet another cookie-cutter clone novel about a yet another chicken-shit woman who runs away? Short answer: No! Longer answer: hell No!
Goddess in the Machine by Lora Beth Johnson
"After Andra awakens from a cryogenic sleep 1,000 years in the future, she must navigate the strange world with Zhade, an exiled prince" Of course she must, because god forbid any woman should do anything on her own without some fucking prince to validate her, and make her life worth living. How is this story any different from the other one I just got through non-reviewing? Not in any way. Barf.
Some Lucky Woman by Carmen DeSousa
"Hurt one too many times by men, Jana pens a bestseller empowering women to swear off the male species. But an injury places her career in the hands of physical therapist Adrian, putting her head-to-head with a man who's taken offense to her writing!" Of course it does because god forbid she should be a strong woman who doesn't need as man to set her straight. There's nothing new here - chalk and cheese, infuriating man. It's been done a billion times before already. Get a new shtick before your life solidifies into the embodiment of inertia. How so many female authors manage to set themselves up to betray their female characters so consistently is the only interesting thing going on here.
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
Campus Player by Jennifer Sucevic
"Playboy quarterback Rowan has no trouble scoring — both on and off the football field. But when his coach’s daughter, Demi, becomes his tutor, the two do nothing except butt heads… at least, at first." Yet another garbage story about two antagonists who inevitably fall in lust together. There is absolutely nothing new here. These stories are unimaginative, unoriginal, and five-a-penny. They're trite, cookie-cutter clones. Barf.
Emerald Blaze by Ilona Andrews
This marks three strikes for this author. "Catalina Baylor works in magical law enforcement in Texas. When her family comes under attack, she must team up with a figure from her past" which would be the guy who takes the prominent place on the cover of this novel which is purportedly about a female main character? Well, we can all see how that goes. Barf. Yet another female author, yet another dissed character. Count me out.
Ghost Gone Wild by Carolyn Hart
"An otherworldly mishap leaves departed spirit Bailey stuck in her hometown — unless she can rescue a ghost’s nephew from a killer." So wait, this ghost has to rescue another ghost's nephew? Why doesn't the other ghost have to do it? This plot sounds lame from the off. The book is billed as "From a New York Times bestselling author!" Do you know how lame that is? You can sell only 5,000 books, which might get you on the bottom of the list for one week, and then eternally refer to yourself as a best-selling author. It's utterly meaningless unless you're a sheep who, instead of buying something based on how good it might be, you buy something because everyone else is herding toward it. It's also possible to game the system, so I do not trust these 'best selling author claims one bit.
Little Secrets by Jennifer Hillier
"Marin’s perfect life is upended by every parent’s worst nightmare — her son is abducted in a crowded store. A year later with no progress on the case, she finally has a reason to spring into action" It takes her a year to "spring" into action? That ain't springing. That's barely tripping. Book blurbs! Meh.
Atlantis Stolen by Christopher Cartwright
"What destroyed the ancient city of Atlantis? It’s a secret shrouded in mystery" Wrong! It's bullshit buried in fiction. Yawn.
Mischief by Douglas Clegg
"Jim Hook" Really? Is he a pirate? "...arrives at mysterious Harrow Academy" the mysterious academy! Why would he think a mysterious academy can give him a "fresh start — only to unleash a sinister evil." Shit! A sinister evil. That's horrible! Regular evil is bad enough, but a sinister evil? Holy fuck-doodles! He's in deep du-du now. Yawn.
East Lynne by Mrs Henry Wood
"When the aristocratic Lady Isabel abandons her husband and children for her wicked seducer, more is at stake than moral retribution." Yep, it's the entirety of Victorian civilization! Her husband turns into a steamed punk and goes on the rampage with an army of clockwork Viking robots, raping, pillaging, and burning people's houses, but when he discovers that Vikings didn't actually have cow horns in their helmets, he realizes that it is he who is just horny, and begins frequenting horses of ill prepuce, frequently. Damn this auto-correct! LOL! This novel was naturally first in a series, being followed by another seven volumes, resulting in one for each of the main eight points of the compass, but none were so well received as this first one, thereby proving that the advice to "Go west, young man" is bullshit. I did take a stab at reading this one but the story is so ponderously tedious that I quit in short order. It takes forever to get nowhere.
A Murder in Paris (A Year in Europe—Book 1) by Blake Pierce
"Many dream of dropping everything and jetting off to Europe — but having to solve a murder upon arrival? That definitely wasn’t what Diana intended when she left behind all of her responsibilities for the trip of a lifetime. Luckily, she makes a pretty decent sleuth," Stop right there. 'Sleuth' in a book blurb is an automatic 'No!" And why the hell is 'Diana' meddling in a murder in Paris? Because the French police are useless? This is a self-important Donald Trump-style delusion. "I alone can fix it?" Horseshit.
Do No Harm by Christina McDonald
"After her young son is diagnosed with cancer, doctor Emma begins selling opioids in a desperate bid to fund his treatment. But when someone dies, Emma’s own husband leads the investigation." So a doctor and a police detective do not earn enough between them, nor so they have sufficient insurance, to take care of their son? What the hell have they been doing all this time? And now she drug her husband into it? Has the author not noticed the parellels in her story to the Scott Turow novel Presumed Innocent? The wife did it. There really is nothing new under the sun. Yawn.
One Left Alive by Helen Phifer
"After a woman is found hanging in her front garden, detective Morgan Brookes" hangs with her and discovers that she;s really quite a hottie. He fails to realize that there are the bodies of her family in the basement, a white cloth placed over each face." Clearly each damily member has fainted due to the heat from this hottie's body. Can Morgan, who Brookes no refusal, discover them in time, or will they bake for three to four hours at 400 degrees before beign served with a light fave bean gravy and a nice chanti?
The Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes The Veiled Detective by David Stuart Davies
"When Sherlock Holmes arrives in London to begin his career as a private detective, he catches the attention of evil mastermind Professor Moriarty. Soon, he meets Dr. Watson" In short, there's not a goddamned thing that's remotely new here - except that, as is implied by the title, Sherlock becomes Moriarty's bride! The veil signifies modesty and obedience, but the full-blooded ex-military Watson is not about to stand for this, and is determined to rescue his beloved friend! Shenanigans abound! Barf.
Legacy of War by Wilbur Smith, David Churchill
"In the aftermath of World War II, former SOE operative Saffron and her husband, Gerhard, find themselves drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse" That's really only dangerous for the mouse, and they sure taste good with a little saffron don't they?! It's yet another World War Two spy story and there sure aren't anywhere near enough of those already. And it took only two authors to pen this one! Wow! Yawn. Did they think that by adding in the 'Churchill' there, more people would want to read it? Or is that really his name?
The Last Bodyguard by Sean Black
Another dumb-ass blurb: "When a teen goes missing, ex-military bodyguard Ryan Lock will do what it takes to save her from a chilling fate" Add 'Lock' to clichéd "hard-bitten" tough guys names like 'Steele', 'Cage', Stone', and 'Pierce'. Yawn. Ex military bodyguard? Does that mean he was a bodyguard in the military? LOL! I don't believe for a minute that those guys need any bodyguards! What fools these blurb writers be, in their desperation to cram everything into an unsound-bite. But it keeps me amused!
Light It Up by Nick Petrie
So here's my question: Could you possibly have come up with a more cliched title? I don't think so, but I'm open to options here. "When a tightly executed hijacking threatens a family friend’s business, combat veteran Peter agrees to get involved — but the ramifications could be deadly…" Peter Ash is the purported hero here. Peter Ash. Seriously? Here's what Lee Child says, "Lots of characters get compared to my own Jack Reacher, but Petrie’s Peter Ash is the real deal." That tells me to avoid this author like the plague. There's nothing worse than another Jack Reacher round....
Welcome to the World, Baby Girl! by Fannie Flagg
"Dena Nordstrom must face her troubled family history as she searches for happiness" Barf! I'd rather eat fried green tomatoes. Not. No wonder Kirkus's last stand thought it was a "paean" - paean in the ass no doubt. I'll waive the Flagg. Yawn.
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley / Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley
"To save her father, Beauty must live with the mysterious Beast - who teaches her that there’s always more than meets the eye" So a free, antique fairytale is retold with not a thing new added and we're expected to buy it? Barf.
AND
Beauty and the Professor by Skye Warren
"Erin is secretly in love with Blake, the man whose house she cleans to pay for school — but he has been badly hurt by the outside world. Can she convince him that he deserves happiness… and pleasure? A sizzling twist on Beauty and the Beast" And the same story as the other one. The exact same story in fact. Unimaginative, cookie-cutter trash. Period. Skye Warren? Really? No wonder I don't trust any author's name to be real!
The Goblin King by Jovee Winters
"Kingdom is practically built on happily ever afters — so why can’t the Goblin King find his true pairing?" He's an asshole? "Setting off to Earth to meet his match, it turns out that he doesn’t have to look any further than his new next-door neighbor: tall, gorgeous Joon." Now I get it! He's racist. He won't marry someone of his own race. No wonder he's still single! And Joon bride? Yeah, I get it. No wonder he ends up in Jovee. Yawn.
Cinderella Assassin by Allie Burton / Midnight Wings by Ariele Sieling
"An absorbing Cinderella retelling!" Because if there's one thing this world desperately needs right now it's yet another retelling of Cinderella - like Disney hasn't already run that trope into the ground. "To break her best friend out of the palace prison, Elle makes a deal with her fairy godmother: She’ll get all the magic she needs if she assassinates the prince. But what happens when Elle falls for her handsome target?" Then she's in breach of contract. Next question? Why the fuck doesn't the lazy-ass fairy godnmother assassinate the prince if that's the real goal here?
AND
Midnight Wingsby Ariele Sieling
Ariele Sieling? Really? That's the most bullshit made-up name ever. It's asinine. I flat refuse to read this book based on that ludicrous author name alone! But there's more! "This thrilling sci-fi retelling of Cinderella kicks off a fantastical new series!" Of course it does because why the fuck not keep retreading the same tired story instead of doing the grunt work of creating something new, inventive, and original? "El dreams of piloting fighter jets for the intergalactic fleet," You know jets don't work in space, right, "Ariele"? becuase oif you dontl, you ahve no business writign a space opera. "...but in reality, she’s stuck doing grunt work. When the queen launches a competition to identify new pilots," And the queen is doing this instead of the military why? "El must face her callous stepmother to stand a chance" Why? This is really, not so much a stretch as an overly taut rubber band that's going to snap back on the author's face.
A Cornish Summer by Catherine Alliott
This really ought to be retitled "A Cornish Summer" because there's nothing new here. "When Flora’s former mother-in-law invites her on a Cornish getaway, can she survive the unexpected appearance of her ex-husband and his new wife?" Who cares? Really?
Tuesday, October 12, 2021
That Time in Paris by Logan Ryles
"While the CIA works to undermine a devastating terrorist plot, Russia unknowingly sends its own team of assassins… and countless people could die if elite spy Wolfgang Pierce" Wolfgang Pierce? really? That's a definite no right there.
Over the Top by Rebecca Zanetti
That's a great title for a ridiculous story like this. "Dawn has always had a crush on Hawk, her brother’s swoon-worthy best friend." Hawk? seriously? Why not call her 'Dove' since she's so lonesome? According to the cover, there's so much heat rising off this dude's body that he has to hold his hat down lest it take flight like a hot air balloon. Yep - the story is full of hot air too, more than likely.
Until We Break by Cynthia Dane, Hildred Billings
"As Stefani Valetti runs her family’s picturesque Oregon winery, she longs for companionship — so she turns to an international service to find a bride." This might not have been so bad except for that godawful title which just screams no.
The Ariane Trilogy The Complete Box Set by Michelle Dare
Because you can never ever ever have enough werewolf stories. "Ari finds comfort in her favorite fantasy novels — but she’ll soon learn they’re all true! When wolf shifter Orion steps off the page and into Ari’s life, she becomes part of the Avynwood Pack" Orion? Really? And she's a part of the pack whether she likes it or not? Another controlling alpha male bullshit story written by a woman about a subjugated woman. Why? Maybe I should blame the readers, because if no one bought this shit, surely authors would stop writing it, wouldn't they? Maybe not. It's like an addiction, I suspect, and these turkeys won't grow cold. Spoiler: there's no box. Really.
The Crown Jewels Boxed Set by Melanie Summers
"Bridget Jones meets The Princess Diaries" That's me out right there. If the blurb pretends that you, as an author, are really someone else, or worse, a mashup of two other people, well, that's an insult, not a recommendation. It tells me nothing about this novel because I haven't read either of those other series. What I want to know is what's in this book, not what's in other books, and if you're too fricking lazy as a blurb writer to actually write a decent description, instead substituting some shit you know about under the arrogant assumption that all potential readers will automatically know this too, then you're not telling me about the book - you're telling me instead that you're an asshole, and need to find work in some institution that welcomes assholes, such as the Republican party. We're done here.
Elemental by Whitney Hill
"Fans of Kim Harrison will enjoy this spellbinding paranormal series starter, set in North Carolina!" Who the fuck is Kim Harrison, and why is it important that you mention it's set in N Carolina? "Private investigator Arden Finch practices forbidden magic ..." Now if her name was Ellie Menthol, I'd definitely be interested, but Arden Finch? Seriously? We're done here.
The Accidental Alchemist by Gigi Pandian
"As alchemist Zoe unpacks in her new home, she discovers a living gargoyle in her luggage." That's all we need - yet another cute Disney pet in a story, because that's never been done before (notably in Sapphire Blue By Kerstin Gier). I'll pass on this one. Yawn.
The Columbus Affair by Steve Berry
"A disgraced journalist is thrust into a deadly game after learning the secret history of Christopher Columbus — a conspiracy that could shatter the foundations of the US." Seriously? Fuck. This. Pretentious. Shit.
The Keepers of Metsan Valo by Wendy Webb
"After Anni’s grandmother passes away, her entire family reunites at Metsan Valo, the family home on Lake Superior." Of course they do because this is yet another tedious family gathering with dark revelations in a tired, retreaded plot that's been done to death already. Yawn
Lila Lou’s Little Library: A Gift From the Heart by Sejung Kim , Nikki Bergstresser
"Books are here, books are there, books are everywhere at bookworm Lila Lou’s house. When her mom tells her that she has too many, Lila Lou comes up with a plan to start a little neighborhood library." The saddest thing about this story is that the hardback is seventeen dollars. The ebook is two bucks. Hardly anyone is going to buy the hardback, which could have been loaned out in lila Lou's library. The ebook cannot. That hardback could also have been donated to Goodwill or someplace similar. The ebook cannot. The irony of this seems lost on this book's creators.
Snaggle Tooth by Pamela Fagan Hutchins
In yet another 'out or retirement and into the fray' cloned story, "Patrick Flint is looking forward to a weekend camping with his son and daughter — but when a plane crashes deep in the Wyoming mountains near their campsite, he races to the rescue." Abandoning his kids to the elements, because he's the only person on planet Earth who can save the day. Just call him Donald why don't you? And how is he going on a weekend camping trip, yet it's "deep in the Wyoming mountains." If he can get there for a weekend trip, rescue services can sure as hell get there faster than he can and they don't have to abandon their kids. Yet another dumb-ass, unimaginative cookie cutter plot. Yawn
A Death in the Family by James Agee
"After he learns that his father is having a medical emergency and drives off into the night, Jay Follet gets into a car accident. In the aftermath, his family struggles to process the tragedy. That's the story? The blurb isn't even literate. Is it the father having the medical emergency who drives off onto the night? LOL! That's what the blurb writer wrote. It's really not surprising. It's well known that publishers typically employ congenital idots to write these things. What a bunch of crap.
Jet by Ana Night / Earned Run by Haven Hadley
Jet by Ana Night
"Walker has long had a secret crush on his best friend, Jet. After they share a kiss, Jet is determined to prove that he’s serious about becoming more than just friends. But dangerous outside forces threaten to end their romance just as it’s getting started."
AND
Earned Run by Haven Hadley
"After pro baseball player Ayden and down-on-his-luck waiter Rome collide in a car accident, Ayden offers his place to Rome to recover. Together in close quarters, their chemistry ignites — but to have a future, Ayden must chip away at the walls around Rome’s heart."
How are these two stories, under the skin, any different at all? it;s the same warmed over dogs dinner. Yawn.
A Sinister Gift by Jacinthe Dessureault
After police social worker Elenora Bello becomes pregnant, she begins experiencing premonitions of future crimes - and she soon realizes that her strange new abilities are the key to solving a centuries-old Montréal murder. First in a series!" Of course it is. But what does it have to offer that's new? A psychic who can never get the clear impression that it was Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the conservatory. No. They never, ever, ever get that. It's always uselessly vague impressions tediously dragged out over the course of the novel. There is nothing more boring than that. And given that she gets her vague clues at a glacial pace, how is that any better than the usual police method? So what's new here? The baby? Yawn.
Knot My Type by Evie Mitchell
"When sexologist Frankie gets a call from a podcast listener in a bind, she seeks advice from gorgeous carpenter Jay — who’s all too eager to teach her the ropes in bed." Of course he is. he;s a guy. is this a sotry? No! Knot even close. Yawn.
Juliana by Vanda
This started out in first person which is irritating to me at best, but it started chapter one, set in 1941, and had a single paragraph talking about people waiting in line as fans of this actor, and the narrator says, "But wait; I'm getting ahead of myself. All that came much later." It switched to a new screen, started chapter one again and went into a flashback. I decided "No thanks!" right there and then, and I quit.
Something this badly written and with flashbacks and in first person is not for me. I can't commend it. I don't think this author understands the use of a charcter history. She seems to feel that she needs to include everything in the book instead of using it as background to round out the author's own understanding of the character. And the last thing I need is to start the first paragraph of a story I'm hoping to enjoy only to have it brought to a screeching halt while we travel even further back in time for a boring and tedious history lesson. No. Uh-uh. Not for me. I have better things to do with my time than to read a dithering story that has no sense of self, and no idea how to proceed.
Crazy For A Geek Girl by Nicolette Dane
I quit reading this as soon as I read "But because I’m kind of girly, a lot of people don’t see it." - What they don't see is that she's a lesbian. While I do share a preference for women, I'm not a lesbian and I cannot speak for them, but for me I found this offensive that the implication here is that lesbians can't be girly, which I know for a fact is entirely untrue. It's like the author expects us to accept that all lesbians are macho and butch, which is bullshit. I couldn't stand to read any firther beyidn that point. The story seemed obsessed with geekiness abd very ltitle else other thans ex, so once again there's no romance here, and no sensuality. I had the disastisfying feeling that this was going to be about falling in lust, not in love and that doesn't interest me.
Fingering Her Lesbian Boss by Conner Hayden
Okay, call me stupid. I definitely should have known from the title that this story was a non-starter, but I liked how baldly stated it was. I thought it might be an amusing story if it were written paradoxically sensitively when compared with the crudeness of the title, but it was far from that.
It was about a babysitter taking advantage of a drunk, straight woman coming home after a failed date. The babysitter is lesbian, and has had a crush on the older woman for a while. The story could have been wonderful, but it was written so inappropriately (even before the actual and ham-fisted sexual escapades began) and so badly, and it was all about sex with no romance and zero sensuality. It was also formatted very badly and overall was just a really awful story. I can't commend it except for the fact that it's very short, so it could have been a lot worse. Here's one sample that should tell you all you need to know about this non-story: "Stacey could see Mrs Conrad’s eyes glued to her little white knickers." Barf.
Stone Cold by AP Bateman
"Running from his past and the FBI, agent Rob Stone heads to the Alaskan wilderness to disappear." So another dumb-ass story making pathetic plays on the main character's ridiculously hard-bitten name? Barf.
Girl Gone Viral by Alisha Rai
I used to like NPR, but they apparently think this is "A page-turner you won’t put down" I disagree: it actually needs to be put down if the dumb-ass book description is anything to go by. "When someone live-tweets her coffee shop conversation with a stranger, Katrina finds herself thrust into the spotlight. And though the public is rooting for her to reconnect with the man, Katrina only has eyes for her bodyguard, Jas." WTAF? If she has a bodyguard, isn't she already in the spotlight? And WTF was the bodyguard doing that he didn't notice this invasion of her privacy? Fire his ass. And who gives a fuck about this stranger? And the authority figure in her life - the bodyguard - isn't considered an inappropriate relationship? This novel is so many kinds of wrong it's a dumpster fire. But nice play on "Gone Girl" with the title. Maybe that'll net you a few sales and everything will be A'Rai, A'Rai, A'Rai....
The Golden Spider by Anne Renwick
"Lady Amanda’s brilliant invention, a clockwork spider," In what way is that remotely brilliant? But when this is stolen, instead of saying who gives a shit, she's "forced to ally with a stubborn, grumpy scientist," How many times has this same shit been written already? Grump vs hottie falling in lust? Too many, that's for sure. Another purported steampunk cookie-cutter novel that's got nothing to do with the genre. Yawn.
Death in the Stacks by Jenn McKinlay
"When library director Lindsey discovers a dead body, it’s up to her to sort through the clues and book the real killer" because there are no police ever in any of these shitty, dumb-ass stories and even if there were, they're be fucking useless. Only a librarian can bring the villain to book.... Barf.
Murder on Cold Street by Sherry Thomas
"In Victorian London, Charlotte Holmes, Lady Sherlock" WTF? Lady Sherlock? Lady Sherlock? Horseshit! That is so many kinds of bad. What a rip-off!
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