So yet another female author who is evidently operating under the delusion that women are property who need to be claimed like so much baggage at the airport carousel. The title is all you need to know to avoid this like the plague, but the blurb, believe it or not, gets worse. "After her abusive marriage, London wants to experience all the things she missed out on, including submission." Excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK???? She was abused in her marriage and now she craves dominance? What the fuck is wrong with this author that she thinks this utterly wrong-headed idea is ripe for a fictional exercise in trying to make a few bucks? Seriously? Fuck. This. Shit.
Monday, November 8, 2021
Mrs Hudson and the Spirits’ Curse by Martin Davies
"An irresistible spin on the world of Sherlock Holmes!" No, it really isn't. Look, here am I resisting it. "With a sinister force stalking London merchants, Mrs Hudson sets out to solve the mystery - and proves she might be Baker Street’s most talented detective." Seriously? Another tired, unoriginal rip-off? At least it isn't Sherlock's niece so I guess it has that going for it, but that bar is so low that it really doesnlt say much. Mrs Hudson did literally nothing in any of the Holmes stories except in one where she moved a bust of Sherlock around to foil a sniper. She was mistakenly referred to as Mrs Turner in one Holmes story due to a writing mistake by Doyle, but she never exhibted a single isntance of any sort of crime-solving ability or even interest in any such thing. This story is quite obviously an ill-begotten dud. I'd have a lot more respect for writers if they came up with something original instead of ripping-off and repurposing all the frigging time.
Walking Shadows by Faye Kellerman
"When a clean-cut young man is found dead," That;s hilarious. Is tha thow he died? Fromt ehc lean cuts? Yawn. "...detective Peter Decker and his wife, Rina Lazarus, investigate the murder." Wait what? This dick has his wife investigate the crime with him? How the fuck does that work? He doesn't have a partner - I mean a police partner to work it with? This is the dumbest shit I've not read in a long time. Maybe his wife is a ghost. She is named Lazarus after all - risen from the dead. Maybe that qualifies her somehow. Yawn.
The Jigsaw Man by Nadine Matheson
"A heart-pounding roller-coaster ride" says Tami Hoag, but really, who gives a shit what she thinks? I don't get the logic here - most probably because there is none, and this book blurb writer quite obviously thinks we're all sheep - that if Tami Hoag directs, we'll all follow? No thanks! Are we supposed to bow down to the recommendation from a woman with whom most of us have zero in common? Because...what? She's a known author? She writes similar books? She's god almighty and we poor miserable peons should gratefully receive her every utterance as gospel? Fuck that shit. The book blurb only makes things worse: "When two victims wash up from the Thames, DI Henley...." I get it: Henley-on-Thames! Hilarious. "...recognizes the gruesome work of Peter Olivier, the Jigsaw Killer. But Olivier is in prison, thanks to Henley, and all bets are off when he learns he has a copycat." Oh, the copycat serial killer. How stunningly original! That's never been done before. Except for the scores of times it has. Yawn. And all bets are off? What fucking bets? Bêtes Noire? Barf. The only thing off was the blurb writer's brain - turned off when they wrote this blurb. Sorry, but the jig is up for this unoriginal author.
To Lahore with Love by Hina Belitz
"Irish and Pakistani, Addy has always struggled to square the seemingly opposite sides of her identity." How are they "opposite"? Is Irish alien? Is Pakistani alien? Is Irish animal and Pakistani human? Is Pakistani animal and Irish human? Is it because one is white the other is black and this racist book blurb writer thinks the two can't possibly be compatible? Fuck. This. Shit.
Pipe Dreams by Sarina Bowen
"Hockey star Mike..." so, another romance with another fucking hockey star. What is wrong with these asshole authors who believe that there's nothing out there other than muscular hockey stars? I'll tell you what's wrong: they don't have an original neuron in their entire brain, so they have to endlessly clone the work of others and retread it for their own use. "...broke Lauren’s heart, so the last thing she wants is to spend time with him..." but she inevitably will. This is just another urging from a female author to female readers that no matter how badly treated you were by the jerk-off son-of-a-bitch you were with, you're so lacking in worth and utility that the only smart solution is to run right back to him at the crook of his dick - or his pipe, as the title has it.... Barf.
Tallgrass by Sandra Dallas
According to Audiofile - whatever that is - this book is "a rare treasure." I wish. But no it really isn't. The truth is that it's yet another in an endless garbage pile of warmed-over World War Two stories that have been run into the ground already. "When a Japanese internment camp is created in her Colorado farming town, Rennie uncovers secrets that will forever change her life." I doubt it. Yawn.
A Postcard from Italy by Alex Brown
How many scores of times has this exact story been told? "When Grace uncovers a stack of letters and diaries dating back to the end of World War II, she travels to the Italian Riviera to unravel their author’s story" Like I give a flying fuck. World War Two was three-quarters of a century ago. It and every story imagineable that can ever be told about it has been done to death over and over again. Let it go. Find a new shtick. For fuck's sake please try and write something original.
Floored by Karla Sorensen
"While studying abroad in London, Lia Ward meets handsome footballer Jude McAllister." How to unpack this pile of rank festering garbage? Yeah, he's a muscular sporty type. So what's new there? Short answer: nothing. The only studying abroad here is the footballer studying a broad. I guarantee you there will be no depictions of Lia actually studying because that's utterly irrelevant, as is this dude's career. The only thing that's important in this story is a muscular dick and an ever-welcoming pussy. That's it. It's tempting to joke that it should be titled 'Nailed' not 'Floored', but 'Bored' would be the most apt title because it's tedious, retreaded trope. These two fucking clueless assholes have unprotected sex on their first date. She's actually lucky that all she contracted from unsafe sex was a pregnancy. What this tells me is that these two people are morons, and I sure as hell don't want to read a damned thing about them.
The Trouble with Hating You by Sajni Patel
That title right there tells you all you need to knwo about what a pile of garbarge this story is. If you had any doubts even after that, the book blurb should kill it very effectively, but even ebfore that we get the usual meaningless trash: "Farah Heron promises: 'You’ll be rooting for these two from their first meeting!' " Who the fuck is Farah Heron?! I've never even remotely heard of her so why the hell should I give a flyign shit about what she thinks?! Here's the story - so-called: "Liya Thakkar is happy with the single life even if her parents aren’t. When Jay Shah, their latest matchmaking candidate, arrives for dinner, she makes a quick getaway - only to bump into him again at the office." There is quite literally not a single thing new here. This exact story - with a name change here and there - has been told over and endlessly over again. Yawn. Worse though, is this feamle author's apparent absolute conviction that every woman is utterly useless unless she has a guy to validate her. You're not a real woman, says she, unless some guy is willing to rescue you from being single. Yeah. Right. Barf.
Sunday, November 7, 2021
The Iron Tiger by Jack Higgins
"Stranded in the Himalayas, British Navy pilot Jack Drummond" Stop right there. The most over-used name ever in action stories: 'Jack'. What's his nickname? "Bulldog"? Barf. Nothing original here. This is a DNS (Did Not Start) from less than ten words of the book blurb.
Daughter of Time by Sarah Woodbury
"When Meg is catapulted back in time, Prince Llywelyn of Wales is her only hope for survival." Of course he is, because if there's one thing far too many female authors desperately want you to embrace, it's that every woman is completely useless without a man to rescue her, preferably a prince or a billionaire. "Outlander" was bad wnough. Do we really need more? Barf.
Christmas Inn Love by Samantha Chase
"Getting snowbound in Silver Bell Falls was not part of Beckham’s road trip plan. When beautiful innkeeper Cassidy lets him stay at her bed-and-breakfast, he offers to help her fix it up in return" Because the only quality this woman could ever have is her pretty skin, and as hundreds of female authors are evidently so desperate to convince you, every single woman on the planet is utterly useless without a guy.
Book of the Dead by Michael Northrop
"Perfect for fans of Rick Riordan...." Why doesn't that claim suprise me? "When lost spells from the Egyptian Book of the Dead accidentally awaken five ancient terrors, Alex and his best friend, Ren, must fight to save the world." Because eight-year-olds are without question the ebnst people to put on a case like this. Barf.
Wood's Hope by Steven Becker
"After his boat is wrecked in the Bahamas, diver Mac Travis accidentally discovers a 60-year-old plane — one rumored to contain over three billion dollars in gold." Does this dipshit author have any clue how much three billion dollars of gold weighs? Hint: it's a hell of a lot more than any airplane in existance back in the early sixties could carry, so this story is shit from the off! And who would let a plane with that much gold on it sit in the water for sixty years without making any attempt to recover it? Barf.
Saturday, November 6, 2021
Witchcraft by Jayne Ann Krentz
"Author Kimberly Sawyer enjoys her solitary life — until a mysterious figure threatens her in her own home. But handsome Darius Cavenaugh is back in town, and he’ll do whatever he can to protect Kimberly from harm" Because, as hundreds of female authors are evidently quite convinced, a woman is fucking useless without some guy to rescue her from her own weakness and stupidity. Barf.
The Knight Brothers Series by Carly Phillips
"Three billionaires discover..." - if it isn't a cure for cancer or a cure for climate change, who honestly gives a flying fuck what asshole billionaires discover, because chances are it's just more millions they discover....
George Lucas by Brian Jay Jones
"From Star Wars to Indiana Jones, acclaimed filmmaker George Lucas" sold his Star Wars empire to Disney making them an even bigger mega-corporation than they already were. Now they have Pixar, Marvel, and Star Wars. Anyone want to hand them anything else and make 'em even bigger and more monopolistic, and more unassailable so they can continue to turn out pap? Do you? George Lucas? The guy who ripped off Buck Rogers, Edgar Rice Burroughs, and Frank Herbert? Really? The Farce is definitely with him. Barf.
The Last Mona Lisa by Jonathan Santlofer
Lee Child claims this is "instantly immersive, intriguing, and suspenseful". That tells me I never need to read anything by Lee Child. "When professor Luke Perrone begins researching his famous ancestor - who may have stolen the Mona Lisa over a century ago, replacing it with a forgery...." No, he didn't. Are we done here? Can I go now?
The Lancaster Brothers Box Set by Ava Harrison
"Meet the billionaire brothers of the Lancaster family in this box set" where 'box' is a euphemism for the female genitalia. "...full of sexy bosses, one-night stands, and forbidden passion… A complete collection!" A complete collection of veneral diseases, no doubt. Barf. Now, to close out the HTML on this entry I have to write slash body! How appropriate.
Rider’s Revenge by Alessandra Clarke
"After her father’s murder, young K’lrsa...." Stop right there. That's an automatic DNF for me if I start reading one of these asinine fantasy novels where the idiot author starts injecting random apostrophes into the middle of character names. Barf.
Pretty Funny for a Girl by Rebecca Elliott
"Haylah" Haylah? Seriously? "...dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian" so naturally, instead of being a stand-up comedian, she "...agrees to help popular Leo write jokes for his own sets." What an asshole! "...will she end up heartbroken - or will she find the self-confidence she needs to shine?" Who honestly gives a shit what happens to this dumb-ass?
Thursday, November 4, 2021
Hating the Player by Natalie Wrye
"Publishing agent Ana Lexington finally gets a manuscript that could make her career — a juicy peek behind the scenes with infamous football star Colton Evans." Who would even care? Really? "The arrogant playboy might have abs for days," What the fuck does that even mean?! "...but he’s also insufferable… So why can’t Ana get him out of her head?" Could it be because the author doesn't have an original or imaginative bone in her body and so she channels all the other novels that tell the exact same story this one is retreading? Just a wild-ass guess. Yawn.
Finding Home by BE Baker
"When she’s stranded in Europe, Beth finds herself rescued by Cole, a man who’s handsome, kind - and also happens to be royalty!" Of course he is. It's the billionaire story all over again, and the helpless, useless, pointless woman finally can get validation for her worthless life. Barf. "As the two discover they’re more alike than they thought possible, a surprising connection blooms" Surprising to who exactly? There's nobody this is a surprise to except the idiot book blurb writer evidently. Yawn.
Romerica by David S Brody
"When historian Cameron Thorne is hired to raise a Roman-era ship off the coast of Massachusetts, he finds himself in unexpected danger… Can he unravel a far-reaching mystery with deadly global consequences?" Because archaeology routinely has life-threatening global consequences. Yawn. Could it not have been pitched just a shade lower? This isn't fiction; it's fantasy.
Then She Vanishes by Claire Douglas
"In 1994, 16-year-old Flora vanished. Over two decades later, her sister Heather walks into a stranger’s house and kills two people. What’s the connection?" She beleives those two people kidnapped and killed Flora? Yawn.
Bad Prince by Lilian Monroe
This shit has barf-fest written all over it. "Elle sneaks into the Royal Ball for a bit of fun, not a hot hookup with playboy Prince Charlie!" So they both have first-date unprotected sex. Okay, Tells me everything I need to know about these two assholes. "She thinks she’ll never see him again" Well she's the only one. "...until she finds out she’s carrying his heir." No, she's really not! Since it's out of wedlock, it's not actually an heir; it's just a scandal. It doesn't work that way with royalty, not even in this day and age. Close, but no scepter.
An Invitation to Murder by AG Barnett
Idiot book blurb writer strieks again: "Replaced on her television crime drama, aging actress Mary Blake believes her sleuthing days are over. But when a murder mystery party ends in actual murder, Mary must play detective once again — and prove her own innocence." No, that's not how it works, you see? The prosecution has to prove your guilt - and do so beyond a reasonable doubt. You don't have to prove innocence, okay? Got it now? Good. There you go. Wasn't so hard was it? Now all you have to deal with is: how stupid is Mary Blake to imagine for a New York minute that acting in a cheesy, boring, formulaic, and predictbale TV crime drama even remotely equips her to investigate anything?
Hey You, Pretty Face by Linda Coles
London detective Jack Rutherford" Here we go again with the most over-used action character name in the history of literature. No, not 'Rutherford', silly! 'Jack'! "...feels that there’s a connection between two recent cases — an infant who was abandoned and the kidnapping of three girls. But with a skeleton staff, can he find the key" The skeleton key? Barf.
Her Dirty Secret by Melanie A Smith
Today's bullshit forbidden non-review #2: "While at her brother’s wedding celebration, free-spirited Emily is instantly attracted to Alessandro, her new sister-in-law’s ex. Their affair is forbidden" Under what rule, law, regulation, or ordinance is it forbidden? Another idiot blurb by another idiot blurb writer.
Dreams Made Flesh by Anne Bishop
Today's bullshit forbidden non-review #1: "A warlord enters a forbidden romance with a witch" He's a fucking warlord. How is anything forbidden? Barf.
How to Catch a Vet by Ana Ashley
"Micah might be inexperienced — but when gorgeous veteran Santiago brings his Great Dane into the veterinarian’s office, even Micah can’t miss his advances" And we all know what the Great Dane is a euphemism for, don't we?! Barf.
One Night with Him by CD Reiss
Is the first part of the author's name pronounced 'seedy' by any chance? "Tough, independent Monica vows not to submit to gorgeous billionaire Jonathan — but after losing a bet, she’s his for the night." Because women are just possessions and playthings of men. Endless barfing. You know we get claims of video games 'causing' violence' and pornogrpahy 'causing' rape, but no one ever talks of the utterly erroneous ideas that trash like this puts into the minds of men.
Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington / Deep Blue Secret by Christie Anderson
Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington
This is apparently written for middle-graders. "Joclyn" Joclyn? Seriously? "...just sent her high school bully flying through the air! Could her phenomenal power have something to do with the strange new scar on her neck? Her handsome best friend, Ryland, holds all the secrets" Ryland? Really? And of course he holds the secrets, because it's another idiot YA story where the rules are that authoritative guy always controls the girl, who is utterly useless (except for violently repelling bullies evidently), until of course the handsome, mysterious, manly man winds up her mechanism and sets her in motion. Barf and Barf again.
AND
Deep Blue Secret by Christie Anderson
"Everything in Sadie’s simple life changes when a mysterious boy saves her from drowning… and then continues to appear in unlikely places. Who is he" He's a fucking stalker, that's who! You see the pattern here? YA story - exactly the same plot: naïve girl, who is paradoxically supposed to be very powerful, but is actually useless without a mysterious stalker guy to give her value. Barf.
11/22/63 Enhanced Edition by Stephen King
Enhanced? You meean it has yet more extraneous character history even than the original one did? What, do we go back eight generations of family now instead of four when a character is first described? It's an even bigger doorstop? Even more trees were sacrificed for the print edition? "A man traveling back in time to prevent JFK’s assassination unleashes unexpected consequences" No, they're entirely expected. Apparently only the idiot book blurb writer thinks they were unexpected. Yawn.
Gray Matter by Nick Pirog / Darkness, My Old Friend by Lisa Unger /The Lucifer Genome by John Jeter, Glen Craney
Here we go with another three-fer!
Gray Matter by Nick Pirog
"When former cop Thomas Prescott returns to Seattle, he discovers the governor’s corpse floating in the cove behind his boyhood home."
AND
Darkness, My Old Friend by Lisa Unger
"When retired cop Jones Cooper receives an unexpected visit, he plunges into an intricate mystery."
AND
The Lucifer Genome by John Jeter, Glen Craney
It took two to write this redux: "When a relic containing ancient human DNA is stolen, former Army ranger Cas must come out of retirement to track it down." Why? Why must he? Why an Army Ranger? Why not a trained detective? Seriously fucked-up is what this shit is.
How are these in an way different given that they all rely on the tired trope of a 'retiree' being 'forced' back into service? Seriously? Are there any new ideas out there? Any at all? Bueller?
Fifty Shades Trilogy by EL James
"Read the trilogy that became a phenomenon!" So this fan-fic redux that would have cost close to ninety bucks if bought as hardback when first released, can now be had for a buck a book? That's still too much to pay for recycled trash. This one trick pony author is worth some 150 million. She doesn't need any more money.
A Cold Hard Truth by Kate Hawthorne
"While divorced Sebastian is still questioning whether he’s interested in men, there’s no doubt that he’s drawn to Remington" Sebastian and Remington? Seriously? Are there no guy guys with regular names like José? Anthony? Michael? Kal? Sanjay? Barf.
Ethereal by Addison Moore
"When Skyla meets Logan — a boy who shares her extraordinary ability — she discovers a world of secrets and earthbound angels" Of course she does because this is yet another in a depressingly long line of female YA authors who declare with absolute conviction that women are utterly useless until a guy winds them up and sets them in motion. Fuck this shit.
Love Me in the Spotlight by Laura Burton
This is about one of the dumbest ideas for a novel I ever heard of: "Melissa is unexpectedly chosen to compete on a popular couples’ reality TV show — but she’s single!" So tell 'em that, and you're done. But no, Melissa isn't that kind of person - i.e. honest, that is. She outright lies and cheats: "Can she and drop-dead gorgeous Ronan fake an engagement and win the top prize?" Fuck this lying shit. Barf.
A Noël Killing by ML Longworth
"As the south of France comes alive with holiday cheer, town magistrate Antoine Verlaque and his wife, Marine Bonnet...." Marine bonnet? Seriously? Why not just call her Pirate Hattie? "...find themselves investigating a man’s mysterious death." Why? Are there no police in the south of France, or are they all off for Christmas? "Can they catch the culprit before Christmas?" Why is Christmas the deadline? Does the culprit get off scot-free after Christmas Day? Yawn.
Tuesday, November 2, 2021
The Burning Girls by Rita Herron
"In remote Crooked Creek, two murder victims are found a day apart, both surrounded by a strange circle of stones. Is a serial killer at work?" Um, yeah! "Detective Ellie Reeves, still reeling from a shocking revelation about her own family" Oh no! The haunted, wounded detective, That's never been done before - if you don't count the thousand times it has. Barf. This author's for the birds.
Everything Happens for a Reason by Katie Allen
No, everything doesn't happen for a reason, and "After her baby is stillborn, grieving Rachel convinces herself that saving a stranger’s life months earlier has something to do with the loss." Rachel needs some serious therapy, and I can promise you she won't get the help she needs in this book, but it will all work out perfectly anyway. Barf. I know this is fiction, but seriously?
Christmas at Lilac Cottage by Holly Martin
And the author's name is Holly? Yeah. I sure believe that. What a bunch of horseshit. So we have authors routinely lying about who they are. Okay. The main character's name is no better: "Penny Meadows" Seriously? But she "loves her cozy cottage in quaint White Cliff Bay. But when Henry and his daughter rent out her annex," You can bet he rents her annex, and she loves it. Barf.
Death by French Roast by Alex Erickson
If the title doesn't nauseate you, the blurb will. "To solve a decades-old murder discovered while cleaning out an old house, bookstore and café owner Krissy must separate local gossip from the truth with the help of her writing group." Ri-ight, because no one is better at solving murders than a bookstore/cafe owner. Fuck the cops: they're useless as all these writers so regularly attest. Crime professionals will only get in the way and evidence must be withheld from them. "A cozy mystery that will keep you guessing!" The only thing it keeps me guessing is how much more of this shit will be unloaded on the public before readers tire of it and my guessing is that it ain't happening any time soon.
Kade's Dark Embrace by Kym Grosso
"When several young women are murdered, detective Sydney Willows is forced to work with alpha vampire Kade Issacson to solve the case. But can she resist the intoxicating desire sizzling between them?" Of course she can't and we know this because this same exact story has been told ten billion times already. Barf. I believe this author has one too many 'O's in her name.
Forever My Girl by Heidi McLaughlin
It says it right there in the title. Another female author. Another girl. Another posssession. "Liam always planned on marrying Josie, his high school sweetheart — but fame and fortune disrupted his plans." No, he chose his plans over her, period. Why is the book description writer outright LYING about what happened? Liam is a jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance, but there's Josie, on hold, waiting for him like the faithful little piece of male property she is. Barf.
Dax by Sawyer Bennett
"This barn burner of a romance" something needs to be burned, for sure. "...is written by a New York Times bestselling author " You sell five thousands books once, and you can get on this list and use that title forever even if you never slel another title and have to flog your discounted books online. "Hockey star Dax" Are you fucking kidding me? Hockey star? Again? And he's called Dax? Seriously? "...has always thought of his best friend’s little sister as family — but when Regan needs a marriage of convenience, his feelings start to change" Of course they do. He wants in her pants. If it were anything other than that, those feelings would have come to the surface long before. No surprises there. Barf.
The Salt Line by Holly Goddard Jones
No wonder Moronic Pylons Flying Kirkus thought this was darkly clever - it's as dumb as they are! "A border known as the salt line separates what’s left of humanity from a deadly, tick-infested wasteland" Yeah, but ticks need blood, and deprived of it they died, so how is it tick infested? It gets worse: "...but one expedition of survivors is determined to venture beyond it, no matter the consequences." Because they're fucking morons - either that or they believe the ticks have all died out too. But guess what? If you wear thick clothing and seal it up, the ticks are not a problems, so no matter how may different ways you look at this dumb-ass story, it's a dumb-ass story. That's doubtlessly why Kirkus loved it.
The Devil Colony by James Paul Czajkowski aka James Clemens aka James Rollins
"After a grisly archaeological discovery, Sigma Force leader Painter Crowe" Painter Crowe? Seriously? That's your character's name? "...risks everything to expose a shadowy cabal that has manipulated the US for centuries." Yeah right. For centuries, and gone completely undetected and unsuspected. Barf.
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