"After she loses her mother, boyfriend, and job, Lily — a down-on-her-luck Jane Austen fan — travels to England to reenact Mansfield Park!" What a fucking idiot! Yet another rip-off of Jane Austen that's totally braindead. Yawn.
Wednesday, July 7, 2021
Sandstorm by TW Piperbrook
"On the desert planet of Ravar," the first known palindromic planet where the Elpoep people used to live, "...three generations of colonists have survived the unforgiving environment without help from Earth’s supply ships." Which begs only one question: why the fuck did they go there in the first place? Morons.
The Ministry of Curiosities by CJ Archer
"Charlie, a necromancer, conceals her identity by posing as a boy...." How original! No girl has ever posed as a boy and gone by the name of Charlie before. Let me guess: what's her real name? Charlotte? Let's go ahead and call her Charlotte-Anne and be done with it.
The Forget-Me-Not Bakery by Caroline Flynn
"When Paige leaves New York City behind to" turn a new Paige? "...open a bakery in Port Landon," well I was close.... "...she meets widowed single dad Cohen… but is he ready to love again?" You bet your sweet ass he is so ready to jump her buns and lay his bear claws all over her. Yawn.
In Peppermint Peril by Joy Avon
"In a charming small town in Maine," where the police are utterly useless at catching murderers, "Callie is helping her great-aunt prepare a tea party for a wealthy widow’s will reading." Because we should all celebrate the death of rich old folk. "But when death turns up as an unexpected guest," they can't find anywhere for him to stash his scythe. What a calamity! "Can Callie and her great-aunt nab the killer?" Hell yes! They chase that son of a bitch down in a cross-country sprint over hill and dale, and nail his no-good murdering ass with a flying rugby tackle. No wonder the clueless Kirkus Reviews finds this "delightful." They would.
Tuesday, July 6, 2021
Y Is for Yesterday by Sue Grafton
Sue Grafton old, tired plots onto new printed pages.... "When a young man’s sordid crime comes back to haunt him, Kinsey Millhone is called in to investigate — and must face a monster from her own past." Because that plot has never been used in a private dick story before. At least not if you don't count the first 100,000 times. Yawn. Is there any hope of a guarantee that this will all be over when she reaches Z? Anyone? Bueller?
They Did Bad Things by Lauren A Forry
Six university students become roommates — but only five live through the year. Twenty years later, someone lures the survivors to an isolated Scottish mansion to draw out the truth." This has only been done to death a fuck ton of times already.
Stranded with a Billionaire by Jessica Clare
"Stranded by a storm, Logan Hawkings" That's it right there. Ban all books where last names are now first names. "...meets the woman of his dreams, a waitress named Bronte." Sorry, I had to take a minute to retrieve the ass I just laughed off. "...but what happens when she finds out he’s a billionaire?" I dunno: she has her first orgasm? She takes up knitting? She runs away and opens a cupcake shop in Bumfuck Idaho where she finds dead body parts in the antique cash register? The author gets a clue and finally writes something original? Nah! Strike that last one. It's too far fetched....
The Sweeney Sisters by Lian Dolan
"After their father unexpectedly dies, sisters Maggie, Eliza, and Tricia reunite at their childhood home." This exact plot has been done only...what? ten thousand tiems already? barf.
Crystal Magic by Madeline Freeman
"When she moves in with her aunt, Krissa hopes to leave the past behind. But her classmate Owen may know more about her — and her powers — than she knows herself. That tells me Owen is a stalker and your typical YA teen girl in these sotries is a fucking moron. How can you be Free, man when you're hide-bound by unoriginal plots and tired, retreaded stories?
Halfway There by Eve Langlais
"First in a series" of course it is! Because ten billion of these exact same stories can never be enough. "After her husband leaves her, fortysomething Naomi moves into her late grandmother’s cottage" How many gazillions of these exact same stories have been told already? Barf squared.
One S’more Summer by Beth Merlin
"After she loses her job and her lifelong crush gets engaged," Nothing new here. This exact same plot has only been done, what? A million times before? Or is it a billion now? "Gigi Goldstein" Oh right! yeah! 'cos that's not like a sore thumb name right there. "...takes a counselor position at her old sleepaway camp. But an irritatingly handsome coworker" Stop right there. Since when is handsomeness and beauty irritating or infurating? Can you not think up something new and original to say, book description writer? Jesus fucking Christ, get a clue before you coagulate, dry to dust, and blow away.
A Room with a Roux by Sarah Fox
Because their marriage was flat, "...pancake house owner Marley and her husband, Brett, head to the charming Holly Lodge. But their winter holiday takes a sour turn when the lodge owner is found murdered." So they leodged a complaint. "Can Marley catch the killer before they dish out more death?" And this is Marley's job why, exactly? Was Scrooge not available that day? There's not one single original idea in this entire story. Barf!
Monday, July 5, 2021
One Rough Man by Brad Taylor
"Elite operative Pike Logan must prevent terrorists from claiming an impossibly powerful superweapon." What's that, his dick? I do not read novels about 'elite operatives' 'navy Seals' "Seal team 6' (which doesn't actually exist), 'Special Forces' or any other such appellation because they are all the same: unimaginative, unnecessarily hard-ass books featuring leading males with hard-ass over-used names like 'Jack Stone' and so on. They contribute nothing to my entertainment or education, or amusement. I especially don't read books with main characters named after a fish.
Virgin Flyer by Lucy Lennox
Drape Expectations by Karen Rose Smith
Loved the title, but the book description says this is just another dumbass amateur interfering in police business kind of a story, so no! "Home stager Caprice agrees to take on a demanding new client as a favor to her friend Ace. But the job is cut short when she finds Ace's fiancée, Alanna, strangled with a drape tieback! Can Caprice figure out who killed her client before the crime gets pinned on her friend - and before she becomes the next victim?" Why does this "Caprice" have to figure it out Are there no police in her world? Stay the fuck out of their way, let them do their job! Don't be so capricious.
Deceptions by Kelley Armstrong
"Haunted by her shocking family history and plagued by mysterious visions, Olivia Taylor Jones confronts the darkness at the heart of the isolated town of Cainsville" Cainsville? Seriously? Shocking family history? Whenever I see the word 'shocking' or 'sinister' in a book description, I automatically tune out because these are two of the most over-used words ever in blurbs, and if the description is that uninventive and the author has no problem with it, then what does it say about the tedious novel itself? No. No. No. Plus it bothers me that an author you never heard of before has her name up on the cover larger than the book title, like that means something. "Oh look! I have a large name! This book must be worth reading!" Horseshit. I read a thoroughly disappointing novel by this author some time ago and I sure have no interest in reading another by an author who champions herself as a New York Times #1 Best-Selling author but is nonetheless reduced to offering discounted novels in an email flyer.
Of Beast and Beauty by Chanda Hahn
"A breathtaking Beauty and the Beast reimagining." What's breathtaking is how unoriginal and unimaginative these authors are. This is purportedly from "a New York Times bestselling author" so why is she having to offer discounted copies of her book in an email flyer? Get this: "One of the seven adopted daughters of the sinister Lady Eville," Lady Eville? Are you fucking kidding me? It gets worse: "Rosalie is forced into an arranged marriage with Xander," That's an automatic tune out from me if there's a character named Xander in your novel, but it gets worse. Xander is "the crown prince of Baist" Baist? Seriously? Roast Baist? Baist your beast in the oven? "But there's more to Xander than meets the eye" No. Trust me: there really isn't, because it's been done a gazillion times before and this one will be just as beastly as all the others were.
Marked by Sin by Debbie Cassidy
I recommend a hard rejection of any novel that has the title in the form 'marked by ____'. "Assassin Malina is one job away from finally reaching her goals. But when she discovers that the ancient mythological beings who rule over London have used her, she must save her world from an encroaching evil. First in a riveting paranormal suspense series." Of course it is! I cna even see the rivets. But I'll pass. The plot is stupid and the picture on the book cover of a dancing waif even more so. Whoever drew that needs a psych eval. Or a job illustrating sexist comic books. That's 'sexist', not 'sexy'. Most comic book illustrators can't tell the difference.
Kingdom Cold by Brittni Chenelle
At last! Another way to spell 'Brittni'! Thank God! I thought we'd run out. "When Charlotte is arranged to marry a foreign prince to secure an alliance, she’s horrified...." She's arranged to marry? "...and tries to assassinate him. But soon her kingdom is placed in peril and she must enlist the help of the man she attempted to kill" Barf. This is about the worst example of the trope "antagonistic hetero couple eventually fall in love" that I've ever encountered. A hard 'NO' to this one.
Protector by Larry Niven
"Jack Brennan is a simple space smuggler living on an asteroid colony - until an alien ship arrives and captures him. And after the encounter imbues him with special abilities, Brennan finds himself drawn into a devastating war" I refuse to read any novel with the tedious trope main character name of Jack. And why would aliens be imbuing aliens with special powers and hoping or expecting they would enter a war? Do they not have robot technology and AIs, if they already have the technology to go galavanting around the galaxy? Piss poor plot.
The Spookshow by Tim McGregor
"First in a series!" Of course it is! Why write a bunch of original one-off novels when you can retread the same characters and the same story over and endlessly over again. Publishers and agents will love you for that. Yawn. If you don't have at least a trilogy through, you can fuck off and die, because that's simply not good enough! All authors know this. So, "Billie wakes from a coma with an extraordinary ability: She can see and communicate with departed souls." Never read that description ever before! "When a detective shows up seeking answers about a murder case, can she piece together the dreadful secrets the dead whisper to her day and night?" Can she? Well duhh! And why would an intelligent detective want a psychic to help when they never, ever, ever, ever have in real life?! I'll bet the dead can never name the killer up front, either, in this series. I'll bet all they have is the vaguest of clues so the psychic is practically of no use whatsoever to the detective. Yawn.
April Fools by Jess Lourey
"When a girl vanishes, librarian and amateur sleuth Mira finds a note connecting the disappearance to her own father, who died 13 years ago. Can Mira solve the mystery?" Who gives a shit? Really? She's a fucking librarian, not a cop! Doubtlessly she's great at tracking down a book, but a killer? Not the same thing! So what's the point of this? Is it just so's the librarian can say "Book him" at the end of the mystery? LOL!
Tempting Boundaries by Carrie Ann Ryan
"Decker has always lusted after his best friend’s little sister, the woman he can’t have." Why is that? Why is this tired old cliché still kept alive? And why is this woman (assuming she's a woman and not a child!) a possession to be owned or had, like she's some trophy or family heirloom? On the other hand if all he has is lust for her, and he's always had it - meaning he lusted after her when she was a juvenile, then she definitely needs to be protected from a child predator like Dick her...um Decker. I'll bet the only topics this author doesn't explore are decency, integrity, and morality. Barf squared.
Death on the Sapphire by RJ Koreto
"Lady Frances Ffolkes must track down a missing manuscript - while pursuing a dangerous killer." Are there killers who aren't dangerous? I'm just asking....
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)