Monday, September 20, 2021

Jenny Greenteeth by Aubrey Law

Rating: WARTY!

This is one a series of short stories that are presented as prequels to the Black Annis story by this author that I read and enjoyed a while back. They're free downloads, but they were really not very thrilling because first of all they didn't mean a whole heck of a lot to me. I don't recall any of these characters from the Black Annis story, although it's been a while and a few books since I read that. On top of that, the story is so short you can never really get into it.

One of the problems with this for me was the same problem I'd had with Black Annis in that there was a significant gross-out factor to it, and there's only so much disgusting description I can read without becoming truly tired of it. The problem here is that gross-out was all this particular story seemed to be! It went into some detail about Jenny Greenteeth's foul habits and depraved diet and her abominable abdominal activities, and it really lost me in the sense that my eyes were glazing over after a paragraph or two of that, and yet still it went on.

The story was about four wizards - who I didn't know and had zero investment in. Their fates were immaterial to me, so there was no excitement or engagement. Anyway, they set out into the swamp to take down Greenteeth, who apparently used to be married to that Bluetooth guy. Just kidding! Why they were after her, I do not know, other than that she was simply gross, maybe. The thing which strikes me about these 'magic' stories is that they are so dated in their philosophy.

I mean, Greenteeth lived "in a bloody swamp," as Michael Palin might describe it. She never left and only preyed upon those who entered, so all they had to do was fence it off, and the problem was solved. But they stalk in there, using old school magic, and get their noses bloodied eventually. Why not just conjure up a tactical nuke? Or a black hole to swallow her up? Their techniques seemed laughably quant.

So for a variety of reasons I can't commend this as a worthy read.

Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy

Rating: WARTY!

Way to trash a symbol of peace and love, Tom! Name a terrorist group after a rainbow. Or is the six referring to the SEAL team - who are all gay? Now that would be a story worth reading, but this, this is Tom's same old shtick. From "the wildly popular author of The Hunt for Red October" which was published three decades ago and this is the only recommendation the blurb can give him? This is because Tom Clancy isn't even in the top 100 American authors in terms of book sales, let alone world authors, so how is he 'wildly popular'? Lewis Carroll outsells Tom Clancy and he's been dead for over a century. "Navy SEAL veteran John Clark must take down a terrorist group with the power to annihilate the entire human race." Ri-ght! Yawn.

The Pardon by James Grippando

Rating: WARTY!

Grippando is a freaking awesome name to conjure with. I wish it had conjured something better. "A Miami defense attorney and his father, the governor of Florida, are forced to overcome their differences when a killer puts the lives of both men in jeopardy." Why? Does the governor and his family not have protection? Why is this an issue?

The Island by Mary Grand

Rating: WARTY!

"After years abroad," Does this mean she is a broad or that this is the roam-eo part of the story? "Juliet returns to the Isle of Wight" only to discover people of color now live there and it's been renamed the Isle of Diversity. No wonder her racist father is dying. But secretly, he's perfectly healthy and he is in fact, the "killer stalking the island" trying to wipe out the non-whites. Meanwhile Juiliet is at a complete loss. She doesn't know what to do and takes to roaming again - the streets, alone, at night, singing old Knack songs such as "My Verona" and "Good Girls Don't (But I Sleuth)." Barf.

All Together by Brill Harper

Rating: WARTY!

"Nerdy Penelope" as stereotypically exemplified by the eyeglasses on the cover, "has never even been kissed." Yeah, because she's hotter than hell, but those damned eyeglasses prevented anyone from seeing it until these two horny toads came along. Ri-ight! Way to slot people into trite pigeon holes. Barf. What is "Brill" short for just out of curiosity, or is it the full name? Or is her name actually Harper Brill and she switched it for effect, which would be pretty cool?

Zen Ties by Jon J Muth

Rating: WARTY!

Are zen ties at all like zip ties? "A giant panda named Stillwater uses Zen wisdom to teach his haiku-loving nephew about compassion and friendship." So a Chinese animal is teaching Buddhism and Japanese poetry to another Chinese animal? This sounds very confused. And confusing. I liked "Zen Ghosts" by this author, but I think he needs a new shtick.

Million Dollar Date by Susan Hatler

Rating: WARTY!

I have a soift spot for the name Susan, but I have to reject this one. "To save her local dog rescue, pet lover Abigail must convince police officer Cooper - her blind date turned enemy - to fund the charity. But as she spends time with her polar opposite, could she also end up wanting something else?" So she's willing to sell her body for cash? Isn't that prostitution? And where is a police officer going to come up with a million dollars? And why him? Is there no one else to ask? And if he's the sort of person who has to be convinced to help out animals, what the fuck is she doing with a jerk like that anyway? No. Just no.

Death by Cashmere by Sally Goldenbaum

Rating: WARTY!

Now if it were "Death in Kashmir" it might ave intrigued me, but this is evidently just another stupid yarn: "When a killer strikes too close to home in her Massachusetts seaside village, knitting shop owner and super sleuth Izzy Chambers is dead set on tracking down the culprit!" No, and no. And one more time: the hell no! A knitting shop owner? She's better at catching criminals than the police? Any novel that has the word 'sleuth' on the cover is an automatic rejection. And a knitting shop owner? Wolly thinking if I ever saw it.... Yawn.

Left to Run by Blake Pierce

Rating: WARTY!

I think this title's missing a 'nowhere'! "As FBI special agent Adele Sharp..." stop right there! A book written by Pierce has an FBI agent named sharp? No. Just no. How can a novel with such a trite character name be considered cutting edge? Jsut aksing! Yawn.

A Taste of Rosebridge Box Set by Harper Logan

Rating: WARTY!

"This collection transports you to the small town of Rosebridge, where three men discover their perfect matches" which is the worst thing that could have happened to them because all three were heavy smokers and now they had the perfect lighting tool, chain smoking became a real option. Long story short, they all died within minutes of each other one magical winter's night, happily smoking themselves to death. Santa died of a heart-attack upon seeing there was no fucking box with this set!

A Million Junes by Emily Henry

Rating: WARTY!

"From a New York Times bestselling author" - who ought to know better then! This is yet another in a long line of uninteresting Romeo and Juliet rip-offs. The title alone ought to steer anyone in their right mind away from this. "June and Saul were born into two opposing families with a legendary feud - but when they team up to unravel the magical truth behind the rift, it sparks a forbidden love" Barf.

Save Me a Seat by Sarah Weeks, Gita Varadarajan

Rating: WARTY!

Now I concede that 'Varadarajan' is an amazing name that would probably take Weeks to pronounce (see what I did there?), but I can't get with the blurb. "As Ravi struggles to find his place at his new school, he discovers an unlikely ally in Joe, the class bully’s other target." Thus is yet another novel that teaches kids that they're on their own, no adult, least of all a teacher, will help them. No wonder Monty Kirkus's Fly-ass Circus loved it.

Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner

Rating: WARTY!

Here's the weird thing about this one. The blurb tells us: "Will appeal to readers of Holly Black and Cassandra Clare (Kirkus Reviews)" _ why do they have to quote Kirkus Reviews in saying who it will appear to? I know Kirkus doesn't remotely grasp the idea of a negative review, but what if this was that once-in-a-blue Moon negative review so all they could quote was that? That's truly pathetic, isn't it? Another reason to dislike this book. On top of that, it starts with "In a world" which turned me off. Do fairies even ahve bones? I thought they boasted exoskeletons? Anyway, it continues, "devastated by the war between humans and Faerie," The author is too chickenshit to call them fairies, so we have the return of the 'fae'. That's the death knell right there. Don't need to read another word to know I would hate this novel, although I do love the "Janni Lee" part of the author's name. That sounds pretty cool to me, and I did like her "Tiernay West, Professional Adventurer" but I cnalt get with one with a blurb like this.

The Jack Reacher Cases Box Set: Books 10–12 by Dan Ames

Rating: WARTY!

Another Jack Reach-Around fun-fester. Who really cares? Obviously not many, if this author has to unload three volumes for ninety-nine cents. Go look up the definition of 'market saturation' and see if that helps any....

The Other Wife by Claire McGowan

Rating: WARTY!

"Living in an isolated cottage with her controlling husband, Suzi is terrified that someone will discover the secret she guards. When Nora moves in next door," Wait, what? Wasn't the cottage isolated? How can there be a next door? LOL! That's how dumb this garbage is. "Suzi is delighted to have a friend — but her new neighbor seems to know more about Suzi than she should." That's because dumb-ass Suzi has been posting all her shit on F-book and other brain-dead online addictions.

Their Matchmaker by Allyson Lindt

Rating: WARTY!

"Cynthia needs investors to fund her high-tech matchmaking service — but Aaron and Gavin won’t bite unless she lets them test her algorithm!" You bet your ass they test her algorithm and not one of the three cares a shit about the sexual history of the other two. They'll get theirs coming.... Lindt removal, aisle nine, please!

Gunpowder Moon by David Pedreira

Rating: WARTY!

"While working a lucrative mining operation on the moon, Caden Dechert is swept into a dangerous conspiracy that could have catastrophic consequences." Of course he is - because regular consequences can never be enough. Why are dudes working there instead of robots? Oh, I know, because this is one of those common sci-fi novels in which metallic plague has wiped out all robots, so humans have to fill their jobs. This book cover shows a space helmet lying on the Moon's surface with a bullet hole in it. Either the author or the cover artist apparently doesn't get that there's no air on the moon therefore gunpowder will not burn, therefore bullets will not fly unless you have some sort of a compressed air system to fire it. He'll figure it out. Yawn.

The Color of a Dream by Julianne MacLean

Rating: WARTY!

Any novel with a title like this is worth skipping. Again, this is the same story as the orevious two I just listed. "Nadia has survived a heart transplant - but when a recurring dream leads her to heroic rescue pilot Jesse" We get a plot that's been done to death a million times already and a woman depserately in need of saving by soem hot dude. Yawn.

Hawk by James Patterson, Gabrielle Charbonnet

Rating: WARTY!

James Patterson sucks as an author. Here's another reason why: "In postapocalyptic New York City, 17-year-old Hawk survives alone - but does she share a destiny with Maximum Ride, the winged hero who disappeared 10 years ago?" Maximum Ride? Why not just call him Vaginal Orgasm-Guaranteed? At its core, this novel is exactly the same as the "Fire in Ice" I just got through discussing.

Fire in Ice by Jennifer DiGiovanni

Rating: WARTY!

Any novel with a title of this nature is almost guaranteed to be unadulterated crap. "After recovering from a rare illness, Cara discovers she has the unusual ability to generate energy. Alex shares the same gift — and when they cross paths, he must teach her" Of course he must because women are useless in these books, especially when written by female YA authors. They always need a guy to rescue and then validate them, and to especially treat them like a child. Barf

The Last Vampire by Kathryn Meyer Griffith

Rating: WARTY!

I wish it were the last vampire. "In a world" OMG, it's an "In a World" story.... "where the human race is spiraling toward extinction and vampires are starting to follow suit, Emma Bloodworth" Stop right there. Emma Bloodworth? Seriously? Fuck this shit. Vampires suck and have been done to death.

Finding Fraser by KC Dyer

Rating: WARTY!

"obsessed Outlander fan Emma flies to Scotland in search of a real-life Highland hero." That should tell you all you need to know to avoid this shit like the plague, right there. I take that back; it's not shit - it's diarrhea. Any novel with a title of that format is highly suspect. Yawn.

Meditations in Green by Stephen Wright

Rating: WARTY!

A title like this is an automatic no to me. And I don't think it's written by the comedian Stephen Wright - in which case it might have been worth a read. "After returning from his deployment in Vietnam, US soldier James Griffin seeks solace as he struggles to adjust to civilian life." Who cares, really? That war ended half a century ago, yet we're still obsessed with it? Let's be obsessed, if we must, with internalizing the lesson from it, because clearly we haven't done that yet given the failure of four consecutive presidents over Afghanistan, and with taking care of returning vets. Other than that, let it go for fuck's sake.

The Haunting of Briarwych Church by Amy Cross

Rating: WARTY!

"In the midst of World War II, Father Lionel Loveford is tasked with reopening an abandoned church with a tragic history." Why? In the 'midst' or a world war, this is all he can find to do? "But there’s a malevolent presence lurking in the shadows — and it is desperate to exact revenge on the entire village" Exact revenge is nothing. It's the imprecise revenge that scares me! Seriously - this is going to be one of those stories where for reasons inexplicable, the malevolent spirit is supremely subtle to begin with and then slowly ramps up the revenge instead of going full metal hack it on them from the off. Why? No one ever explains that. And why isn't the malevolence already "exacting" revenge? Why does it have to wait until the church is reopened? And where is Father Lovelace's god? Why is this god so useless in cases of malevolent spirits? Why is it that humans have to be the ones to fix it? Not much of a god really, is it?

See You in the Cosmos by Jack Cheng

Rating: WARTY!

Slap a Newberry on this one. Yawn. Kirkus calls it "riveting" because they evidently don't know what that means outside of the sheet metal construction business. The story is that "Alex loves everything about the cosmos — especially Carl Sagan, his dog named after the astronomer. But a trip away from home makes Alex realize that Earth (and his family on it) are way more special than he thought." Absolutely. It turns out that his dog is actually the reincarnation of Carl Sagan, being punished for his evil atheistic ways, but he comes up with a new theory that finally explains Stephen Hawking, and the cosmos suddenly makes sense! Jennifer Niven raves: "I haven’t read anything that has moved me this much since Wonder." Who the fuck is Jennifer Niven and why should I care what she thinks?