"Librarian and wizard Lily agrees to help her troublemaking witch friend Sebastian investigate a malignant spell in a haunted house. Can she conjure up a solution before everything goes sideways? A cozy, witty read that’s first in a series!" Of course it is, but what, exactly, is witty about yet another dumbass series where there's one cis-man and one cis-woman, and they never get it on even as they're all over each other?
Monday, October 4, 2021
Inside Out & Back Again by Thanhha Lai
"This stunning read is inspired by the author’s memories of fleeing Vietnam and settling in Alabama." I'm curious as to how that's an improvement, expecially with what's been hapening there lately: voting restrictions hammering especially people of color, and a lowly 40% Covid vaccination rate?!
Perfect by Elizabeth SaFleur
"When Isabella finds herself face-to-face with Mark, her late husband’s brother, they’re caught up in a passionate whirlwind of dominance and submission." Wait, so her husband is running late and she jumps into bed with his bro? LOL! No, seriously I actually get it now! So when the man is faced with the friend's sister, then that's out of order but when the woman is faced with the man's brother, then that's perfectly okay? Sexist much? And let's not worry about this overbearing asshole taking advantage of his grieving sister-in-law. Fair game, right? Barf. You know there's frequent talk about what pornography does to how women are viewed and treated and what video games contribute to violence, but has anyone ever studied what untrammeled exposure to this shit does to people? Just asking....
Wages of Sin by J Robert Kennedy
"While on a South African safari, archaeology professors James Acton and Laura Palmer find a clue that could lead them to a centuries-old hidden treasure" Of course they do. Fuck the fact that it's Africa. Who cares if we steal treasure from one of those "shithole countries"?
The Game by Tom Wood
"The world’s deadliest assassin must assume the identity of his most recent target in order to complete a high-stakes hit" and ends up killing himself by mistake. But it's ok because it's all a game, not a murder....
The Hurricane Sisters by Dorothea Benton Frank
"In the South Carolina Lowcountry, three generations of women grapple with love, family, and hardship," their biggest quandary being: how many times has this exact same story been told already?
The Broken Spine by Dorothy St James
"When her beloved library is transformed into a technological center, librarian Trudell sets up her own secret book room in the basement." So this woman is alreayd dishonest and scheming to begin with. "But when a local councilman meets his untimely end, she’ll have to find the real culprit before she takes the fall" That's really not how the criminal justice system works except in the ass-backwards world of these dumbass novels....
Decanted by Linda Sheehan
The idiots at Kirkus considered this to be "A highly enjoyable story of love, wine, and passion" and had not a thing to say about the cover which depicted a pair of stockinged legs in a glass of wine? No. Just no. Yet another reason to despise Monthly Pipeline's Flying Kirkus.
Paladine Box Set: Books 1–3 by Kenneth Eade
"CIA assassin Robert Garcia is determined to disappear and leave his work behind - but when an old friend pulls him back into the action, he becomes a vigilante." Not a godammned thing new here: guy pulled out of retirement to resume his work? Another hard-bitten, lead-spewing tough guy? Like we need more of this shit in the world? Yawn. If this is a box set, where's the damned box so we can give this the burial it deserves?!
Ain’t She Sweet by Whitney Dineen
"After a gruesome breakup, Tara Heinz ditches her modeling career to follow her lifelong dream of attending culinary school." Ditching modeling I can get with. We're far too self-absorbed and obsessed with buying the latest fashion while children starve in other parts of the world. Culinary school, yeah, okay, but, if that was her lifelong dream, why the fuck is she modeling?
"When she lands a job as a pastry chef at an Oregon lodge, will a handsome farmer and his matchmaking mother help her find the fresh start she’s been craving?" How is she landing a job when she's just started culinary school? And why is the woman's achievement, after a breakup, always finding a new guy - like she can't stand on her own two feet? I thought models were supposed to be especially good at that?! Wouldn't being a success at culinary school and becoming a renowned chef be enough? There has to be a guy at the end of it or she's somehow a failure What a load of horseshit! Why do female authors so ritualistically do this to their female characters? This is three-strikes-and-you're out for this author who seems to specialize in broken women being fixed by guys. barf.
Watch Me by Stacey Kennedy
The title right there is a huge NO for this novel; don't need to know another thing about it!
Faye and the Ether by Nicole Bailey
"Faye has always felt called by the sea - and when she meets Daron, she’s pulled into a fantastical new world of magic and mythical creatures." Of course she is, because a woman is useless without a guy to guide and validate her, and give her value. At least that's what these authors are constantly chanting. As to what the 'ether' has to do with anything, you guess is as good as mine.
An American Kill by John Stonehouse
The title right there tells you everything you need to know to avoid this one! It seems to suggest that an American kill is somehow special when this is one of the most violent nations on the planet! And people blanche at the Taliban killing people? This completeds a three-strikes-and-you're-out trifecta for this author.
Competitive Grieving by Nora Zelevansky
"After her best friend dies, Wren is tasked with dividing his possessions among his friends - but how well did she really know Stewart?" Who gives a shit? How is he relevant? She has the task of divvying up his stuff, so the only relevant question here is how well does she know his beneficiaries? Another author who evidently doesn't know what she's writing about.
Time Is Running Out by Michael Wood
"When DCI Matilda Darke...." Stop right there. Dumb character name like that tells me all I need to know to avoid this story like a Trump rally.
Death in Paris by Emilia Bernhard
No wonder some idiot at Publishers Weekly thought this was "Delightful." "After her French ex dies, American sleuth Rachel and her best friend search for the killer" because French cops, as you know, are completely useless. Any novel with the word 'sleuth' anywhere on the cover is an automatic no for me. "...in this cozy series starter," of course it is because god forbid anyone should actually write a standalone anymore. Barf.
A Ring Bear? by Christy Brown
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
It's always fun to take a youthful misunderstanding and run with it. When he hears he's going to be the ring-bearer at his aunt's wedding, what really hears is that he will be a ring bear. He struggles for some time with the delightful help of his kid sister, to figure out how to be the Bear of the Rings, but eventually he cottons on and all is well. This was a fun story, with sweet color illustrations by Juan Rodriquez (not that Juan, the other Juan), and I commend it as a worthy read.
I have to say this was unreadable in the Kindle format. Kindle, to me, means turning something into kindling and that's what happens with Amazon's crappy conversion process. Unless it's plain vanilla text, do not subject your work to Kindle. It will ruin it. I read the PDF version of this and it was perfectly fine.
Miranda Queen of Broken Toys by Andrea Tripke
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This was a fun picture book, beautifully illustrated by debut author and German-born artist, Andrea Tripke. It tells the fun and heartwarming story of a girl who dared to be different. Instead of being hypnotized by the shiny and new, Miranda finds joy in the downtrodden and broken - toys that are unwanted, are lost, or are missing bits. She creates a welcoming home for them, and becomes known as the Queen of Broken Toys. Her life seems to be set in its ways until a new person shows up looking for a lost toy.
I have to say this was unreadable in the Kindle format. Kindle, to me, means turning something into kindling and that's what happens with Amazon's crappy conversion process. Unless it's plain vanilla text, do not subject your work to Kindle. It will ruin it. I read the PDF version of this and it was perfectly fine.
I commend this as a fun, visual treat, and besides, where else can you find raspberry tea and tomato-and-cheese-sandwiches?
The Professor's Wife by Marina Delvecchio
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
I did not like the title of this novel, but I started reading it anyway and about 60% in I decided I should have gone with my first instinct. The problem with the title is that it presents the main female character as an appendage or an extension of some guy - subjugated to him, not having an existence of her own. It's a poor choice to depict a character like that particularly when far too many women are so readily marginalized in society anyway.
The idea behind the story is one that I liked, which is why I read this, despite my misgivings over the title. I know that some people, particularly younger readers, are turned-off or even disgusted by May-December relationships, but I am not. I don't even like the term May-December which, if we assign about eight years per month, means the one participant is 40 and the other is in their nineties. A better depiction in this case would be a March-July relationship which sounds much sweeter to me!
All kidding aside, it's none of our damned business when two (or more!) consenting adults choose to be together. It's their choice, not ours; not society's; not the law's; not religion's. In this case, college student Camilla, falls for professor Carl. Her purported BFF (more on that anon) Chelsea, has dire misgivings, but the author offers us no valid reason for her revulsion. Regardless, Carl and Camilla start dating, marry quite soon and seem to be in an idyllic relationship. Camilla quits the professor's classes so the author at least avoids any impropriety in terms of authority figure versus supplicant here. Far too many so-called romance novels are oblivious of power imbalances in relationships.
For me the problem with this one though, is the same problem in very nearly all modern romance novels, which is that it's predicated entirely on sex. There is no meeting of minds. It's not about romance. It's not about any of the big C's: chemistry, commonalities, companionship, or compatibility. No, I'm not talking about carat, clarity, color, or cut! Here, it's all about the sex, and repeated descriptions of that act do not make it more exciting; they make it boring, which destroys the novel because it was only about sex.
Consequently, at that point, I could no longer take this story seriously, and writing sleight of hand couldn't disguise exactly where this story was going. At least, without having read the ending, it seemed to me like it had an awful lot in common with a certain 1959 novel by Robert Bloch
Talking of dates, there was an issue for me regarding exactly when this novel was set. It felt like it was contemporary, but no one seemed to have a cell-phone and Camilla and her BFF never texted each other or emailed - they wrote "letters" to each other, so maybe it was historical, but if so, I was lost because I had no good idea when it took place which further added to the 'fake' aura it projected to me. Maybe somewhere in the text it reveals when it's set, but if so, I missed it.
As so often happens with stories like this one, I found myself much more interested in the main character's friend than I was in plain vanilla Camilla. Chelsea plays a very minor role which seems odd given all the telling we get at the start of the novel as to how close they are and how much they love each other as friends. But that's telling; when it comes to showing, we get very little. It occurs to me that a story about Chelsea had the potential to be much more interesting, and rather less predictable than this one was.
The big betrayal of their BFF myth came when Chelsea revealed to Camilla that she had been accepted into a prestigious art program, and when Camilla asked when she was leaving, she was told it would be the very next day. Seriously? How close could they be if Chelsea has applied to this program, been accepted, and made plans to move her life away from Camilla, and she gives her supposed BFF only 24 hours notice of the entire thing? That, to me, gave the lie to their supposed closeness. The whole story felt exposed for the fakery that it was at that point; it all seemed so shallow.
We're told that Camilla is a young artist, for example but we're never shown that. Oh yeah, we get a mention of her painting and it plays a role in revealing her sickness later in the story, but I never got the feeling that she was an artist at all. Like I said, it was all about sex. She never was an artist, not even in bed! She never talked about art; she never went to any exhibitions or galleries, and we're never shown her actually doing any painting. Again, it felt fake.
The same applied to the professor who was weirdly described as a professor of British literature (not English, British!) As with Camilla, we're never shown any of this side of him. All we get is telling that he arrives home with a bunch of papers to grade. It felt superficial - like frosting on a badly-baked cake. This is why it was amusing (to my warped mind!) to find some technical writing issues. They seemed to fit right in with this threadbare world-building.
At one point I read, "The only light that broke through the dark blanket covering the small kitchen came from the streetlight peeking through the small window above the sink and the dusted chandelier that hung low above the table they had gathered, about to eat." Not only is that a horribly run-on sentence, but it makes little sense. I assume the blanket didn't literally cover the kitchen, but covered the entrance to the kitchen, or maybe a window in the kitchen? Who knows? Even so, why? Why was there a blanket covering anything?
This was just dropped in there without any prior or following reference, and it made no sense. I honestly have no good idea about what author was trying to say there. On top of this - literally - was "...the dusted chandelier..."? Did this mean it had just been dusted or did the author mean it was dusty? And who has a chandelier above the kitchen table?! And "the table they had gathered" Did she mean 'around which they had gathered'? Or should that comma before 'about' have been after it? That sentence was a godawful mess.
Later I read, "...lift her t-shirt, and follow the trail down to her cervical bone. He slipped his fingers inside her panties...." The cervical bone is the first one in your neck right below your skull. The one I think the author means here is the pubic bone, which lies right underneath the mons pubis. Just a wild guess!
At another point I read, "Carl is a tab bit of a weirdo" That would be ‘tad’ not ‘tab’ and since 'tad' already means a very small amount, the ‘bit’ isn’t necessary, although given the lax way people speak this is fine to use in a character’s speech. There were probably other such issues that I missed since I was reading for entertainment and not editing this; fortunately, the novel wasn't replete with them so this wasn't a huge problem. A little judicious editing is definitely called for though.
The real problem though, was with the story-telling here. To me, the story seemed more like a series of disconnected vignettes than a coherent whole, and having timeline jump around only served to confuse things more. Like I said, I DNF'd this when it became too bad for me to continue. Rightly or wrongly, I felt I knew exactly where it was going and it wasn't anywhere engaging to me. I lost interest in it and skimmed for a little while longer, but around 60% I decided I had given this enough chances to appeal to me and it failed. I can't therefore commend it was a worthy read.
Sunday, October 3, 2021
The Second Horseman by Kyle Mills
In yet another release from Stupid Plots Я Us, "Brandon Vale is a professional thief in prison for a heist he didn’t commit — until retired FBI agent Richard Scanlon breaks him out and gives him a job: Steal 12 nuclear warheads before they can be sold at auction." Because a SWAT team or a Spec Ops team, or somebody like that can't do it? Why not? And why get a failed thief who got caught? LOL! This plot sucks.
Tease by Alexis Anne
"Elizabeth isn’t looking for a relationship," so naturally the expectation is that she'll get one. "...when she meets sexy Adam, she knows he’ll be good for a no-strings fling" and a disease or two no doubt. "Adam is only in town for two weeks — but after he gets a taste, he’ll do anything to have Elizabeth completely" because this is all about owning a woman. There is no romance here; it's all sex and possessiveness. Barf.
Wind Chime Café by Sophie Moss
That's the best title you got? 'Wind Chime Café'? Really? "To fulfill a longtime dream, single mother Annie purchases a café on a quiet Chesapeake Bay island." Why? Why wouldn't she purchase one on a busy island so the café wouldn' go under financially? "But her plans are soon complicated by an unexpected romance" No, they're not. Everyone who hates this novel expected this romance. Everyone. Barf. Tired and retreaded. Nothing new here. Just sand blown in your ass. Moss grows fast on a rolling dune.
Silence Fallen by Patricia Briggs
"Separated from her pack, shapeshifter Mercy is alone" No really? She needs to kick this one pack a day habit before it kills her. "...and faced with the challenge of preventing an epic battle between werewolves and vampires." Why? Who cares if these fuckers, who are literally at each other's throats, wipe themselves out? Nobody cares! This shtick is done to death already. Find something new for dog's sake! Barf.
Out on the Ice by Kelly Farmer
"Retired hockey legend Caro is devoted to her all-girls hockey camp - but she can’t seem to ignore her vivacious new employee! Rising star Amy is only in Chicago for the summer… Will a temporary fling be enough?" Or will there be a scandal because this inappropriate dipshit is messing with an employee? I see they got a Megan Rapinoe look-alike for the book cover. Really? Barf.
The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee
"Privileged young lord Monty finds scandal and unexpected love as he adventures across Europe with his best friend, Percy." Of course he does, because Percy is the nickname he's given to his penis, as in 'point Percy at the porcelain'. The 1971 film Percy starring Hywell Bennet, Britt Ekland, Denholm Elliot, and Elke Sommer, was based on the eponymous 1969 novel written by an author with the entirely appropriate name of Raymond Hitchcock.
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