This is a "perfect mix of action, romance, and humor" according to 'bestselling' author Amy Tintera (of whom I've never heard. Just saying). But that comment does tell me all I need to know about not wasting any of my money on any of her novels. So here's the dumb-ass blurb: "Managing high school is hard enough for Indigo," Yeah. Math is hard! Why not just call her Barbie, you genderist dumbass? "...and she’s just found out she’s a witch, too!" Of course she has, because that's how this plot, cookie-ciutter cloned and retreaded, always goes. There is literally not a single thing that's new here, including the title. Yawn. And Indigo? Really? Why not call her Deep Purple and have her into leather and heavy metal? She could go have a smoke on the water.... Barf.
Saturday, October 9, 2021
Queen of Oblivion by Giles Carwyn, Todd Fahnestock / The Lost Star Episode One by Odette C Bell
The blurb reads: "With an evil sorceress extending her control through dark magic," Wait! What the hell? The evilsorcereress is using dark magic? Who knew?! And why 'sorceress'? Why not just 'sorcerer'? Must we continue discriminate against women like this in 2021? "...priestess Shara and her soulmate, Brophy," Of course he is, because no woman on her own is of any use whatever. Far too many female authors know that for anyone to get away with a novel where the woman is strong by herself. What would be the value of a story like that? And finally they: "...fight to reunite at last — and save the empire." Why don't the ever save the umpire? Seriously? Shouldn't an umpire be the best judge of this? I am disappointed.
AND
The Lost Star Episode One by Odette C Bell
Is this author's name really C Bell - like si belle - so beautiful? Seriously? The blurb: "As a powerful priestess, Ava’s destiny is to watch over the people of Avixa, but she wants something else. With the help of Hunter McClane," Hunter? Seriously? Clearly Ava isn't so powerful, since she so desperately needs a man to validate her. This story has been done to death. And we're supposed to respect a powerful priestess who is a protector, yet who abandons her post for some dude? No. Just no.
Under the Cover of Murder by Lauren Elliott / The Bookshop Murder by Merryn Allingham / The Witching Place by Sophie Love
Under the Cover of Murder by Lauren Elliott
"The town of Greyborne Harbor is abuzz over the wedding of the year, a glamorous affair on a yacht. When two bodies wash ashore during the festivities, Addie, bookshop owner" What the fuck difference does that make to anything? "...and maid of honor, searches for clues in the boat’s library." Of course she does because the police are consistently useless when it comes to solving murders and there's absolutely nothing they like better than a meddling little shit fucking-up the crime scene....
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The Bookshop Murder by Merryn Allingham
"A recent release" What difference does that make? This same plot has been used a hundred tiems before. "...that’s first in a charming series" of course it is, because why be inventive when you can endless retread the same plot? "When Flora" Seriously? Flora? "...opens her bookshop for the day, she’s startled to find a dead body inside!" She's the only one who's startled. Everyone else fully expected this. "She enlists the help of grumpy local crime writer Jack" who has the most tediously over-used name in literary history. Clearly this author hasn't even tried to feign being inventive or having an original idea. "...in order to solve the mystery and save her store’s reputation." What reputation? Why would a dead body in a bookstore destroy the store's reputation? On the contrary: once the crime scene is cleared, people will flock there. This is a dumbass story from the off. And why is this asshole Flora solving the mystery? The cops are useless? A bookstore owner with zero police training is the best one to solve a murder? Horseshit. Barf.
AND
The Witching Place: A Fatal Folio by Sophie Love
"After losing both her job and her boyfriend, Alexis makes a change and takes a job at an occult bookstore in a seaside town." This has everything, doesn't it? A chickenshit chick fleeing ebcause she has no spine, she works in a bookstore, she's a witch maybe, and she's solving murders? Fuck! What a bunch of retreaded crap. Three stories and each one esssentially exactly the same. No imagination. Nothing inventive. Not an original idea to be found here. Yawn.
If We Were Villains by ML Rio
The title alone tells me this one is garbage even before we get to the dumb-ass blurb. "Ten years after Oliver Marks was sent to prison, he’s finally ready to share what truly happened the night a group of seven friends was torn apart by an act of violence." How many times has this same plot been Xeroxed? Too many. And this jackass Oliver has made everyone suffer for a decade before he's willing to spill? Fuck him.
The Perfect Daughter by DJ Palmer
"Sixteen-year-old Penny Francone has killed someone. As she awaits trial, psychiatrist Mitchell McHugh is asked to uncover the reason… but his discoveries might lead to a truth more chilling than murder." And that would be? Stomach cramping her style? A hang nail upon which nothing ever hangs? Rape? Pillage? This book blurb is shit. Period. I want the asshole who wrote that blurb to make it his or her mission in life from this point onward, to seek out families which have had a loved one murdered and tell them there really is something more chilling that they should focus on. Go ahead. I'm waiting....
Her Perfect Life by Rebecca Taylor
"After successful author Clare takes her own life, her sister, Eileen, reads her latest novel for clues to what happened" Ri-ight, because that's by far the best plan. So is this the trope Eileen and Clare were estranged? Barf. And Eileen and Clare? Really?
In the Hall with the Knife by Diana Peterfreund
"After a storm leaves a group of students stranded at Blackbrook Academy, the headmaster’s dead body is discovered. And everyone has a motive for murder." So the same story that's already been retreaded and re-run to death a score square of times. People trapped in a building, no one interested in rescuing them. No police available. Of course this happens all the time. And Blackbrook Academy? Really? Barf.
Sugar by Kimberly Stuart
Ready to move beyond an assistant role, pastry chef Charlie agrees to work at her ex’s restaurant" where she'll be an assistant.... "...things take a surprising turn when she learns they’ll be the subject of a reality show!" - none of which actually have a single thing in common with reality. Another pie-crust promise of a blurb. Barf.
Pretty Little Liars by Sara Shepard
"Five friends formed the clique that ruled the school - until their leader, Alison, went missing. Now, mysterious notes may bring old secrets to light." Nothing new or original here. The missing "Alison" was really her twin Courtney. This is neither the first nor the last time the tedious twin ruse has been used. Yawn. And that cover illustration - of the anorexic girl? Is this really the example we want to set? Barf.
A-List F*ck Club by Charlie Hart aka Frankie Love
Callahan works as a bartender at an exclusive, anonymous adult club — no one knows he’s really the owner. But when innocent virgin Juliana shows up, she’s everything he ever wanted… and he’ll do whatever it takes to have her for his own!" Including rapong her or otherwise pressuring her into bed, because novels like this are pure, adulterated shit. Women are to be possessed and used. They have no value or worth other than their virginity. This is pornography at its worst.
Spectacular Stories for Curious Kids by Jesse Sullivan
"Explore 100 fascinating, fun, and true tales that span history, science, entertainment, and more! From accidental inventions and the sandwich that started a war...." Sorry, but that's a lie. A sandwich did not start a war. The killer of the Archduke Ferdinand was waiting where he should have been. It was the Archduke's motorcade that went the wrong way; instead of taking an alternate route, the idiot driver followed the expected route and Princip was right there, waiting and able to successfully murder the man. This 'sandwich' story is post-hoc bullshit. No wonder they're giving this book away for free!
Star Trek The Wrath of Khan by Vonda N McIntyre
The crew of the Enterprise are tossers. That's why the original series is commonly referrred to as TOS. The book blurb is happy to skirt the fact that James Tiberiasshole Kirk caused the whole problem with Khan in the first place. "...it’s up to James Kirk, Mr Spock, and the stalwart crew of the Enterprise to save the day — and the galaxy!" Ri-ight, because there's no one anywhere in the entire galaxy that can fix this except for James Trump. I mean why not call thim that? His arrogance is unsurpassed. He has zero clue how to delegate. He speaks in weird disjointed sentences and insists his mangled words are law. He has no qualms about taking advantage of every woman who comes his way, like she owes him. Donald Trump and James Kirk are the same! I see no differences between them.
Spock is the dumbest character onboard since he consistently fails to grasp human idiosyncrasy and foibles despite having been among them for literally decades and despite repeatedly (and tediously) demonstrating an encylopedic knowledge of Earth and its history. Mary Sue McCoy is the best doctor in the galaxy despite himself being an asshole in the way he treats people. But at least he can look at a glowstick and diagnose any condition and treat it. Except of course when it comes to a Klingon depsite having known this race his entire career. Scott never was an engineer. He was a sorcerer who could magically fix anything on an impossible schedule. Uhura is a sex bomb in a mini-skirt, and part-time telephone operator who can 'put you through now' and that's pretty much it. It's a tragedy that someone charity-dropped into a token minority role like that would be the one to inspire so many other minority females that they too, could be eye candy. Yawn.
Mistress of the Art of Death by Diana Norman, aka Ariana Franklin
In this “vibrant medieval mystery” (The New York Times).
Lie! What the NYT said was "vibrant tapestry of medieval life." Close, but no cigar, and now we know the book blurb is a lie from the off! In a time when women were possessions, we're expected to believe that "forensics expert Adelia is hired by King Henry II to solve a series of murders in Cambridge. Can she unravel the truth before the killer strikes again?" Who cares? And why would the king give a shit about some murders in Cambridge when he's fully occupied trying to fight wars and rule his unruly children? Henry 2.0 didn't even trust his own wife despite her delivering him eight kids - in her thirties yet, and including five heirs (those would be the sons, because the daughters, being female, were fit only for marriage alliances, recall). He's sure as hell not going to hire a woman to do anything important except spread her legs for him. Given that there were only about 2,000 people living in Cambridge in those years, it hardly required anyone other than the local authority to police the place! Yawn. Since Norman died a decade ago, she's not going to get a penny of the sale price from this book.
Bullet Rain by Robert Swartwood
"For fans of Jack Reacher" That lets me out. I'm not a fan of any novel that has a main character given the pathetically unimaginative name of 'Jack'. "Free from his job as a government hit man," Right, because the government employs a shit ton of those. "Nova sets off on a cross-country odyssey." Nova? Seriously? "When misfortune strands him in the Nevada desert, he’ll stumble into a tiny town hiding untold dangers." and yeah, we get it, a bullet rain. The title alone is enough to shut this one down. Barf.
Friday, October 8, 2021
Deuce Mora Mystery Series Vol. 1–3 by Jean Heller
"Whether it’s human trafficking or local corruption, Chicago journalist and sleuth Deuce Mora is determined to uncover criminal activity" Yawn. This series is apparently set in modern times, but it seems like it's a century late. And Deuce? Honestly? Barf. Anyone want to give odds it's written in first person?
Left for Dead by Paul J Teague
"In a last attempt to repair their crumbling marriage, Charlotte and Will return to the seaside resort where they met as teenagers. But visiting a scene from their past also brings up terrible memories — ones that they had hoped to bury forever." So why the fuck go back there? This tells me that both Charlotte and Will are dumb-fucks who deserve each other. Problem solved. Barf.
Wanted by J Kenner
"Angelina Raine" Seriously? Why not go the whole hog and call her Goldie Raine? "...craves the one man she can’t have — but she can’t resist temptation forever. Is she ready to enter bad boy Evan Black’s passionate world?" Who honestly gives a shit? This bad boy motif is tired and pathetic. This mythology of the virginal innocent woman and the bad boy who 'educates' her is misogynistic and needs rejection. And 'Angelina' in a novel titled after the movie Angelina Jolie starred in? Really?
Trouble in Paradise by Robert B Parker
"Paradise police chief Jesse Stone goes up against master criminal James Macklin, who has assembled a crack team to loot an exclusive and wealth-laden island." Happily, they're so addicted to crack that they're useless, and the police find they have nothing to do. Seriously - yet another story where the main character has one of those hard-bitten names like 'Stone', 'Steele' or 'Cage'? Get a life.
The Empowered Ones: Books 1 & 2 by MS Olney
When Elian discovers he possesses new magical abilities, he must team up with a ragtag group of rebels" stop right there. Any blurb that has 'ragtag', 'quirky', or 'misfit' in the wording is an automatic reject. And what's with the fucking cloaks and hoods? Seriously? And why must he team up with anyone? Never mind. Don't answer that, I don't care!
The Forger's Daughter by Bradford Morrow
Here's another one - The ____'s daughter, but at least this has the distinction of not being written by a female author, so I guess that's something. "When a legendary manuscript arrives at his house along with a list of demands, former literary forger Will must take up his illegal craft once more and create the perfect forgery of Edgar Allan Poe’s Tamerlane" because there's no way in hell that going to the police ever solved anything.
The Butcher’s Daughter by Wendy Corsi Staub
"Searching for a detective’s missing daughter leads genealogist Amelia to the vicious descendant of a famous killer" Title taken from a Demi Moore movie and once again dismissing a female character as a guy's appendage. Way to go!
Love Unexpected by Marina Hanna
"Jules shares a kiss with a mysterious stranger who walks away — and when she shows up at her new job, she’s shocked to find out he’s her boss. Adam doesn’t do relationships, but Jules is irresistible… and their" relationship is entirely inappropriate, but since when has that stopped female authors from normalizing this horseshit, like it's perfectly fine, ordinary, and acceptable to put a woman in this position? And yet again conflating sex with love? barf.
Memory of Water by Emmi Itäranta
The title alone is sufficient to warn anyone off this story, before we even consider the dumb blurb: "In a bleak future world, Noria is a tea master’s apprentice — and one of very few who know the location of a precious water source." Yep! It's the fucking ocean. Yawn. But don't worry about all those thousands dying horribly of thirst. We have tea to make....
Faking It by Riley Hart, Devon McCormack
"When near-strangers Gary and Travis are mistaken for a couple, they decide to keep up the ruse to annoy Gary’s ex and impress Travis’s investors." The title is from the MTV show about a couple faking their relationship, and the most amazing thing about this cookie-cutter retread of a novel is that it took two people to clone a story that has been told quite literally scores of times before. There is literally not a single thing that's new here except the authors' names.
Fire Starter by P Anastasia
Isn't that Stephen King's title? "Alice’s normal teenage life is upended when a dying alien race chooses her to preserve their bioluminescent DNA." Evidently the author doesn't get that bioluminescence requires two things: luciferin (or something similer) and an enzyme which triggers the bioluminescence using the luciferin, typically called luciferase. It makes zero sense to talk of bioluminescent DNA. What would be the point? "As she struggles to keep her secret hidden, she must contend with unexpected romance" Ri-ight, because she's quite literally the only one on planet Earth who did notexpect there to be a romance. barf.