"Rabbi David Small does his best to prepare for Passover while investigating a murder on a New England college campus." And a rabbi is investigating the murder because...? Are the cops off on Sundays? Oy Vey! Why doesn't Rabbi Small pray for the solution? Does he have no faith?
Monday, July 5, 2021
The Enigma Strain by Nick Thacker
The title is enough to kill this one. "When terrorists detonate a bomb at Yellowstone National Park," Why there instead of new York City or Los Angeles? Just asking! "...Ranger Harvey Bennett realizes they’ve released a biological weapon into the air — and he must team up with agent Juliette Richardson to stop a catastrophe" Why? Can't he just alert the authorities and the media and keep everyone away? What's Ranger Ben going to do exactly? Fight the virus with his fists? Now that, I would read. But not this.
Blue Hollow by Cheryl Rees-Price
"After the murder of a family friend, journalist Dora Lewis searches for answers in a secret collection of cassette tapes he left behind." Why were those not turned over to the police? Or is this yet another 'amateur sleuth' bullshit story where the police are utterly incompetent and only a rank amateur can solve the case? "But the deeper she probes for the truth, the more she risks reawakening her own dark past." There it is, the investigator with a dark secret. How many times exactly has this seriously worn-out plot been overdone now? I lost count. Barf.
The Shadow Enclave by Steve P Vincent
"When assassin Mitch Herron turns against his former employers, can he win an all-out war for survival?" Is that a serious question? If so, why do you assume all your potential readers are morons? Mitch Herron is for the birds.
Dating Makes Perfect by Pintip Dunn
"When Thai American teen Orrawin’s parents want her to prepare for marriage, they agree to let her practice fake dating. But the boy they choose for her is gorgeous Mat — who happens to be her sworn enemy!" Of course he is. Yawn. Way to diss Thai Americans. How many times has this exact plot been overused now? No wonder the imbeciles at Kirkus reviews find it "Adorable." Retreaded plot? Idiotic premise? No imagination in the writing? Of course Kirkus would like it. It's what they do.
The Darkest Thread by Jen Blood
"A series starter!" Of course it is because god forbid we shouldn't milk something for all we can from the punters. This author is billed as a regular blogger for Maine Crime Writers but given that she blogged only five times in all of 2020, that fails to meet my definition of 'regular'. The plot (so-called) for this novel has it that "Jamie Flint and her dog, Phantom, join the FBI’s hunt for two missing girls - but something strange and unnatural is going on in Vermont’s mysterious Bennington Triangle." The so-called Bennington Triangle is bullshit. Five people disappeared in that general - and very wild - area between 1945 and 1950, and only one of them was found. Her body was too decayed to determine a cause of death, but my guess is wild animal predation. The victims were a variety of male and female, and generally older people, so a serial killer seems highly unlikely. The fact that the deaths stopped indicates that the animal died either of old age or through the actions of a hunter. None of these 'mystery' promoters will ever ask if a large carnvore was taken down in that area around 1950 and it may be really hard to determine, expecially this far on. The book blurb asks, "What really happened to the Redfield sisters?" and hints at a supernatural demise. If you want to play it that way as a writer, go ahead, but let's not pretend there's anything real to this nonsensical 'triangle' myth.
The Summer House in Santorini by Samantha Parks
"When Anna’s life falls apart, she leaves it all behind for a summer on an idyllic Greek island." Clearly this is yet another in an immensely long line of women who can't cope with reality and do not have the strength of character to handle a setback. Why do female authors constantly create these weak, cowardly characters - and then give them a happy ending they haven't earned and don't deserve? This is a pathology, not a genre.
Apple Cider Slaying by Julie Anne Lindsey
This is the starter for a series - a whole series - about murders at an orchard. Clearly the culprit is the cider: it's poisoned! Otherwise how do you acocunt for the horrific number of deaths in this small rural region? The plot - such as it is: "When Winnie’s family hosts a festival to drum up business at their apple orchard, no one expects a murder — or for Granny Smythe to become the prime suspect!" Granny Smythe? Seriously? Give this series the pip. It has no appeal.
Sunday, July 4, 2021
The Shadow in the Glass by JJA Harwood
"A gothic retelling of Cinderella perfect for fans of Erin Morgenstern" so ripping-off another author's style, huh?! The plot is predictably tired: "Ella dreams of escaping from life as her stepfather’s overworked maid — so when a mysterious fairy godmother offers her seven wishes, she readily accepts. But soon Ella discovers this seemingly perfect gift comes at an awful price." Nothing new here. There's only one thing this story lacks: originality. Even the title is grossly overused.
Death on the Green by Catie Murphy
Doubtlessly another condescending look at the "Oirish." Even the title has 'green' in it. Get it? Orange you glad? Despite her name, the author isn't Irish. She was born in Arkansas, USA which is about as far from Irish as you can get. The plot has it that: "When a golfer's body is discovered in the pond of an Irish clubhouse, army veteran and Dublin limo driver Megan Malone is on the case. Her client, golfer Martin Walsh, is the prime suspect... but his alibi is watertight. Can Megan find a killer on the loose?" Are the Irish police so truly awful that a solution is up to a limo driver who has no training whatsoever in solving crimes? Why doesn't she just jeep her meddling fingers out of it and let the police do their job? Whether her client's alibi is watertight or not, she doesn't need to do shit.
The Forever Summer by Suzanne Macpherson
"Lila Abbott has a peculiar talent - she's able to solve dead people's problems!...A captivating and humorous paranormal read." That's the humor part right there. What problems, exactly, do dead people have? I guess - as is typical with this sort of a story - dead people are exactly like living people except they're not alive. How cluelessly boring and unapologetically unimaginative can you get? Macpherson will demonstrate that admirably, I'm sure. The plot continues: "When Lucas Griffin approaches her to help clear his name from the death of his ex-wife, Lila turns to Emily Ruth's ghost, who won't stop haunting her former husband..." So she asks the ghost who killed her and the ghost tells all, case solved. No mystery here. No humor either. Unless you consider the deceased to be a source of amusement.
Princesses of Myth Box Set by Joanne Wadsworth
Another special snowflake story: "When Faith Stryker turns 18, she learns a shocking truth: She's the lost princess of another world!" Faith Stryker? Really? But here's my question: why does this other and different world consider eighteen in the same way our world does? How different can it be if it's really just the same; if it still has princesses who inherit a leadership role not through any effort they made or qualities they possess, but purely because of who they were born to? And she's the princess of an entire planet? No. Hard pass on this dull and unimaginative horseshit which I promise you comes without a box.
Love Out of Bounds by Ellie Spark
Way to go with a self-limiting title! "From the very first moment they meet, Sophie knows Charli is the woman for her. But Charli is hiding a secret life" Of course she is, otherwise it would be out out in the open and not secret. I'm sorry but Ellie doesn't spark for me. She never has.
Tool Time by Jayne Rylon
"What's sexier than a man with a power tool who knows how to use it?" This author probably thinks they're hilarious. This would be amusing if it were a parody, but it ain't. Fuck this shit.
Taming Natasha by Nora Roberts
"From the beloved #1 New York Times bestselling author called 'the most successful novelist on Planet Earth'" No. That would be Agatha Christie, dipshit. Nora Roberts barely makes it into the top 20. If they have to outright lie about this in the book description, then toss the book back into the clearance bin. And taming a woman? Do women have to be tamed now?
A Conspiracy in Belgravia by Sherry Thomas
"Posing as a male detective named Sherlock, Charlotte Holmes sets out to solve London's most baffling mysteries - including the disappearance of her own half-brother." For fuck's sake! Really? No! Too much sherry.
Murder at the Lighthouse by Frances Evesham
"When a woman is found dead under a lighthouse, amateur sleuth Libby Forest teams up with her standoffish cat, a massive dog, and an attractive local to catch the culprit." But the solution is obvious: if she was found dead under a lighthouse, the lighthouse fell on her! Do we honestly need a cat and a dog in this story? Really? Couldn't it be, for a change, a catfish and a dogfish? Any novel with the word 'sleuth' anywhere on the cover is an automatic no. Or in this case anywhere in the cove...!
Awaken by Skye Malone
"Despite being forbidden to go near the ocean, Chloe runs away to the beach. Unable to resist the water, she sets in motion a series of strange occurrences and dangerous events - and discovers her true identity" Like it isn’t obvious? And why is the author Skye Malone? Why not Ocean Malone? C Malone? Levem Malone?
Shot to Hell by William W Johnstone and JA Johnstone
"When Perley Gates and his cowhand, Possum, journey to the small town of Bison Gap to avenge a murder, they find themselves facing down a ruthless gang of outlaws." It took two people to write this? I'm on the side of the outlaws. Perley Gates? seriously? Possum? Bison Gap? Why not just call it Buffalo Butt-Crack?
Displacement by Braylee Parkinson
"Private investigator Sylvia Wilcox will risk anything to find the truth behind her husband’s death." Even starring in an unoriginal novel? She must be desperate!
How to Find Love in a Bookshop by Veronica Henry
"After her father’s passing, Emilia considers selling the family bookstore. But the colorful members of her tight-knit community may change her mind… Tight knit or tightly knitting? It could be either in a story like this. USA Today describes this as "A love letter to books and the shops that sell them" but the book is selling through Amazon, the very online store that is killing local bookstores! How hypocritical can you get, Veronica? Stories about writers and about bookstores are a big no-no unless they have something truly original to offer, and almost none of them do.
Sweet Southern Magic by Amy Boyles
"Down-on-her-luck Pepper Dunn’s life takes a magical turn when she inherits a shop in Magnolia Cove - and learns that she’s a witch! But when murder mysteries abound, Pepper must put her newfound gifts to the test in this charming collection of cozy mysteries." How are there even mysteries when she's a witch? A quick spell and the crime is solved! And how can she not know she has magical powers? This is why I never read books anymore with the word 'southern' anywhere on the cover...! It's an automatic reject. And Magnolia Cove? Could you lard the story up any more?