"A breathtaking Beauty and the Beast reimagining." What's breathtaking is how unoriginal and unimaginative these authors are. This is purportedly from "a New York Times bestselling author" so why is she having to offer discounted copies of her book in an email flyer? Get this: "One of the seven adopted daughters of the sinister Lady Eville," Lady Eville? Are you fucking kidding me? It gets worse: "Rosalie is forced into an arranged marriage with Xander," That's an automatic tune out from me if there's a character named Xander in your novel, but it gets worse. Xander is "the crown prince of Baist" Baist? Seriously? Roast Baist? Baist your beast in the oven? "But there's more to Xander than meets the eye" No. Trust me: there really isn't, because it's been done a gazillion times before and this one will be just as beastly as all the others were.
Monday, July 5, 2021
Marked by Sin by Debbie Cassidy
I recommend a hard rejection of any novel that has the title in the form 'marked by ____'. "Assassin Malina is one job away from finally reaching her goals. But when she discovers that the ancient mythological beings who rule over London have used her, she must save her world from an encroaching evil. First in a riveting paranormal suspense series." Of course it is! I cna even see the rivets. But I'll pass. The plot is stupid and the picture on the book cover of a dancing waif even more so. Whoever drew that needs a psych eval. Or a job illustrating sexist comic books. That's 'sexist', not 'sexy'. Most comic book illustrators can't tell the difference.
Kingdom Cold by Brittni Chenelle
At last! Another way to spell 'Brittni'! Thank God! I thought we'd run out. "When Charlotte is arranged to marry a foreign prince to secure an alliance, she’s horrified...." She's arranged to marry? "...and tries to assassinate him. But soon her kingdom is placed in peril and she must enlist the help of the man she attempted to kill" Barf. This is about the worst example of the trope "antagonistic hetero couple eventually fall in love" that I've ever encountered. A hard 'NO' to this one.
Protector by Larry Niven
"Jack Brennan is a simple space smuggler living on an asteroid colony - until an alien ship arrives and captures him. And after the encounter imbues him with special abilities, Brennan finds himself drawn into a devastating war" I refuse to read any novel with the tedious trope main character name of Jack. And why would aliens be imbuing aliens with special powers and hoping or expecting they would enter a war? Do they not have robot technology and AIs, if they already have the technology to go galavanting around the galaxy? Piss poor plot.
The Spookshow by Tim McGregor
"First in a series!" Of course it is! Why write a bunch of original one-off novels when you can retread the same characters and the same story over and endlessly over again. Publishers and agents will love you for that. Yawn. If you don't have at least a trilogy through, you can fuck off and die, because that's simply not good enough! All authors know this. So, "Billie wakes from a coma with an extraordinary ability: She can see and communicate with departed souls." Never read that description ever before! "When a detective shows up seeking answers about a murder case, can she piece together the dreadful secrets the dead whisper to her day and night?" Can she? Well duhh! And why would an intelligent detective want a psychic to help when they never, ever, ever, ever have in real life?! I'll bet the dead can never name the killer up front, either, in this series. I'll bet all they have is the vaguest of clues so the psychic is practically of no use whatsoever to the detective. Yawn.
April Fools by Jess Lourey
"When a girl vanishes, librarian and amateur sleuth Mira finds a note connecting the disappearance to her own father, who died 13 years ago. Can Mira solve the mystery?" Who gives a shit? Really? She's a fucking librarian, not a cop! Doubtlessly she's great at tracking down a book, but a killer? Not the same thing! So what's the point of this? Is it just so's the librarian can say "Book him" at the end of the mystery? LOL!
Tempting Boundaries by Carrie Ann Ryan
"Decker has always lusted after his best friend’s little sister, the woman he can’t have." Why is that? Why is this tired old cliché still kept alive? And why is this woman (assuming she's a woman and not a child!) a possession to be owned or had, like she's some trophy or family heirloom? On the other hand if all he has is lust for her, and he's always had it - meaning he lusted after her when she was a juvenile, then she definitely needs to be protected from a child predator like Dick her...um Decker. I'll bet the only topics this author doesn't explore are decency, integrity, and morality. Barf squared.
Death on the Sapphire by RJ Koreto
"Lady Frances Ffolkes must track down a missing manuscript - while pursuing a dangerous killer." Are there killers who aren't dangerous? I'm just asking....
Geostorm: The Shift by Bobby Akart
This author, who I've never heard of, has his name take up fully one-half of the book cover! Why? Who knows? The story is really a rip-off of the movie The Core, and both of them have it wrong.
There will be a magnetic pole reversal on Earth and it will cause disruption, but such reversals do not take place overnight. It can take thousands of years, and the worst effects will most likely be to our electronics. We don't need a compass to navigate now we have GPS satellites, but these satellites themselves will be at risk of failing should Earth's magnetic field die - which it will before it grows again after the reversal. For a while we could have several north and south poles at the same time, so even a compass would be useless!
Other than that - and perhaps some increased health risks when cosmic rays are no longer kept out of Earth's biosphere because the magnetism is gone, or is disrupted - we'll be fine, so this book is scare-mongering at best.
This story asks, "When the Earth’s magnetic fields begin to weaken, meteorologist Chapman Boone and his sister, Kristi, recognize signs of a coming apocalypse - and now they must fight to survive… An adrenaline-charged adventure that kicks off a series!" Oh god, another series. Fuck this shit.
Whisper Network by Chandler Baker
"A New York Times bestseller that Reese Witherspoon calls 'honest, timely, and completely thrilling' " Why would I care what Reese Witherspoon thinks? This is the woman who, in 2013, was arrested for disorderly conduct after her husband was stopped on suspicion of DWI. She then had the snotty pretentiousness to ask the police officer, doing his job, "Do you know my name? You’re about to find out who I am! You’re about to be on national news."
No, she was on national news for being an asshole. I would not want her name associated with anything I did. I would more likely take a pass (if not a piss) on a story she recommends than ever I would read it.
But back to the unoriginal story: is this author a chandler or a baker? Just kidding. The plot has it that: "When the CEO of the company dies, Sloane’s boss, Ames, is poised to take over. But Ames has more than a few skeletons in his closet, and Sloane and her colleagues will expose them - at any cost." Who cares? I care as much about that as I do about who Witherspoon is. Here's the final insult: "Serrated as a kitchen knife, and twice as sharp" said AJ Finn of this story. I don't know who that is and I'll bet I don't get on national news for not knowing.
Moving Is Murder by Sara Rosett
"After a fellow military wife dies suspiciously, new mom Ellie tries to catch the killer - without ending up dead herself!" Isn't that what military police are for? I've never got the 'cozy' bit of a cozy murder mystery especially not one described as 'fun'. I've never thought murder was fun.
Hunted Witch Agency by R Medhurst
"A complete urban fantasy series!" Of course it is! "Half warlock and half witch, Devon Jinx is torn between two worlds." That main character name is where I checked out of any interest at all in this mess.
Delectable by Adrianne Lee
"After Quint's mother opens a pie shop, Callee is forced to help him run the business - even though she wanted to break up!" It sounds like Callee needs to look up the definition of 'manipulation'! But there's no killing in this novel - as far as I can tell - except maybe of Callee's freedom! The crime here is that once again we have a female author trashing her female main character. I don't get that mentality at all.
Docia Departed by Angela Kulig
"Seventeen-year-old Docia gave up her life for a lie - and now she's doomed to suffer for eternity. But when a fallen angel named Fox offers her a way out, she'll do anything to leave the otherworld behind" So what's Docia's last name? Scully? And exactly how old is this angel who's in a power position over this seventeen-year-old girl? Yuk!
Ramses the Damned by Anne Rice, Christopher Rice
"Egyptian pharaoh Ramses the Great is brought to life in Edwardian England." LOL! I don't get this sneaking your offspring in under your own name - well I do get it. It makes it a lot easier to get sales if you link your name to an author who has some sales to her name, but seriously? I wouldn't read it on that basis alone. And the plot? WTF?!
Beachfront Bakery: A Killer Cupcake by Fiona Grace
"Hoping for a charming new life, exhausted chef Allison leaves the big city and sets up a bakery on the boardwalk - but when a man is found dead outside her shop, she'll have to dust the flour off her hands and do some serious sleuthing" Why? This isn't even in her shop! And it's none of her damned business! Another half-baked 'cozy' mystery. What would be funny is if her bakery were literally on the boardwalk - right in the middle of it. Then I might get with this story. But barf.
The Elusive Mrs. Pollifax by Dorothy Gilman
"When the CIA enlists Mrs. Pollifax for an undercover mission, she embarks on an international adventure with eight forged passports hidden under her new hat!" Why send an older and unqualified woman into danger when they could just send a Pollifax machine? And passports hidden under her hat? Clearly she's entirely wrong for this gig.
Fireborne by Rosaria Munda
"a brutal revolution during their childhood made lowborn Annie and aristocratic Lee equals. But when the old regime reemerges, the two dragonriders will face challenges like never before" Ri-ight! This is why you should never read a novel with the word 'borne' as part of the title - not even Jason Bourne. And frankly I'm wondering if this author even knows the difference between born and borne.
Found at the Rock Concert by Christi Snow
"Rock star Daniel, bodyguard Luke, and CEO Austin all feel as though they are alone in the world — all with past pain that affects their current lives. But when the men end up stranded in a snowstorm together, they may find the love they need to heal." Another author who can't tell the difference between unsafe sex and love.
Blackbird by Michael Fiegel
"Edison, a remorseless hit man, decides to take mercy on a young girl named Christian" so, evidently not remorseless. The book blurb is already lying! "and launches her into a twisted new life as a killer’s apprentice." Can you say 'Professional rip-off'? Yawn.
Dark Memories by Liz Mistry
Liz Mistry is a pretty cool name for an author, but this book description wins this week's 'unoriginal' award. "As DS Nikki Parekh and DC Sajid Malik investigate three seemingly unrelated murders, they struggle to find answers… until Nikki receives a series of taunting notes. Are all three crimes united by Nikki’s own traumatic past!" How many more cookie-cutter novels are we going to suffer, where the investigator has a past which is traumatic, or shady, or murky, or otherwise besmirched? Barf.
Recipe for a Perfect Wife by Karma Brown
"When Alice finds a 1950s cookbook in her suburban home, she uncovers secrets about the previous owner." Who cares?
Sunday the Rabbi Stayed Home by Harry Kemelman
"Rabbi David Small does his best to prepare for Passover while investigating a murder on a New England college campus." And a rabbi is investigating the murder because...? Are the cops off on Sundays? Oy Vey! Why doesn't Rabbi Small pray for the solution? Does he have no faith?
The Enigma Strain by Nick Thacker
The title is enough to kill this one. "When terrorists detonate a bomb at Yellowstone National Park," Why there instead of new York City or Los Angeles? Just asking! "...Ranger Harvey Bennett realizes they’ve released a biological weapon into the air — and he must team up with agent Juliette Richardson to stop a catastrophe" Why? Can't he just alert the authorities and the media and keep everyone away? What's Ranger Ben going to do exactly? Fight the virus with his fists? Now that, I would read. But not this.
Blue Hollow by Cheryl Rees-Price
"After the murder of a family friend, journalist Dora Lewis searches for answers in a secret collection of cassette tapes he left behind." Why were those not turned over to the police? Or is this yet another 'amateur sleuth' bullshit story where the police are utterly incompetent and only a rank amateur can solve the case? "But the deeper she probes for the truth, the more she risks reawakening her own dark past." There it is, the investigator with a dark secret. How many times exactly has this seriously worn-out plot been overdone now? I lost count. Barf.
The Shadow Enclave by Steve P Vincent
"When assassin Mitch Herron turns against his former employers, can he win an all-out war for survival?" Is that a serious question? If so, why do you assume all your potential readers are morons? Mitch Herron is for the birds.
Dating Makes Perfect by Pintip Dunn
"When Thai American teen Orrawin’s parents want her to prepare for marriage, they agree to let her practice fake dating. But the boy they choose for her is gorgeous Mat — who happens to be her sworn enemy!" Of course he is. Yawn. Way to diss Thai Americans. How many times has this exact plot been overused now? No wonder the imbeciles at Kirkus reviews find it "Adorable." Retreaded plot? Idiotic premise? No imagination in the writing? Of course Kirkus would like it. It's what they do.
The Darkest Thread by Jen Blood
"A series starter!" Of course it is because god forbid we shouldn't milk something for all we can from the punters. This author is billed as a regular blogger for Maine Crime Writers but given that she blogged only five times in all of 2020, that fails to meet my definition of 'regular'. The plot (so-called) for this novel has it that "Jamie Flint and her dog, Phantom, join the FBI’s hunt for two missing girls - but something strange and unnatural is going on in Vermont’s mysterious Bennington Triangle." The so-called Bennington Triangle is bullshit. Five people disappeared in that general - and very wild - area between 1945 and 1950, and only one of them was found. Her body was too decayed to determine a cause of death, but my guess is wild animal predation. The victims were a variety of male and female, and generally older people, so a serial killer seems highly unlikely. The fact that the deaths stopped indicates that the animal died either of old age or through the actions of a hunter. None of these 'mystery' promoters will ever ask if a large carnvore was taken down in that area around 1950 and it may be really hard to determine, expecially this far on. The book blurb asks, "What really happened to the Redfield sisters?" and hints at a supernatural demise. If you want to play it that way as a writer, go ahead, but let's not pretend there's anything real to this nonsensical 'triangle' myth.
The Summer House in Santorini by Samantha Parks
"When Anna’s life falls apart, she leaves it all behind for a summer on an idyllic Greek island." Clearly this is yet another in an immensely long line of women who can't cope with reality and do not have the strength of character to handle a setback. Why do female authors constantly create these weak, cowardly characters - and then give them a happy ending they haven't earned and don't deserve? This is a pathology, not a genre.
Apple Cider Slaying by Julie Anne Lindsey
This is the starter for a series - a whole series - about murders at an orchard. Clearly the culprit is the cider: it's poisoned! Otherwise how do you acocunt for the horrific number of deaths in this small rural region? The plot - such as it is: "When Winnie’s family hosts a festival to drum up business at their apple orchard, no one expects a murder — or for Granny Smythe to become the prime suspect!" Granny Smythe? Seriously? Give this series the pip. It has no appeal.
Sunday, July 4, 2021
The Shadow in the Glass by JJA Harwood
"A gothic retelling of Cinderella perfect for fans of Erin Morgenstern" so ripping-off another author's style, huh?! The plot is predictably tired: "Ella dreams of escaping from life as her stepfather’s overworked maid — so when a mysterious fairy godmother offers her seven wishes, she readily accepts. But soon Ella discovers this seemingly perfect gift comes at an awful price." Nothing new here. There's only one thing this story lacks: originality. Even the title is grossly overused.
Death on the Green by Catie Murphy
Doubtlessly another condescending look at the "Oirish." Even the title has 'green' in it. Get it? Orange you glad? Despite her name, the author isn't Irish. She was born in Arkansas, USA which is about as far from Irish as you can get. The plot has it that: "When a golfer's body is discovered in the pond of an Irish clubhouse, army veteran and Dublin limo driver Megan Malone is on the case. Her client, golfer Martin Walsh, is the prime suspect... but his alibi is watertight. Can Megan find a killer on the loose?" Are the Irish police so truly awful that a solution is up to a limo driver who has no training whatsoever in solving crimes? Why doesn't she just jeep her meddling fingers out of it and let the police do their job? Whether her client's alibi is watertight or not, she doesn't need to do shit.
The Forever Summer by Suzanne Macpherson
"Lila Abbott has a peculiar talent - she's able to solve dead people's problems!...A captivating and humorous paranormal read." That's the humor part right there. What problems, exactly, do dead people have? I guess - as is typical with this sort of a story - dead people are exactly like living people except they're not alive. How cluelessly boring and unapologetically unimaginative can you get? Macpherson will demonstrate that admirably, I'm sure. The plot continues: "When Lucas Griffin approaches her to help clear his name from the death of his ex-wife, Lila turns to Emily Ruth's ghost, who won't stop haunting her former husband..." So she asks the ghost who killed her and the ghost tells all, case solved. No mystery here. No humor either. Unless you consider the deceased to be a source of amusement.
Princesses of Myth Box Set by Joanne Wadsworth
Another special snowflake story: "When Faith Stryker turns 18, she learns a shocking truth: She's the lost princess of another world!" Faith Stryker? Really? But here's my question: why does this other and different world consider eighteen in the same way our world does? How different can it be if it's really just the same; if it still has princesses who inherit a leadership role not through any effort they made or qualities they possess, but purely because of who they were born to? And she's the princess of an entire planet? No. Hard pass on this dull and unimaginative horseshit which I promise you comes without a box.
Love Out of Bounds by Ellie Spark
Way to go with a self-limiting title! "From the very first moment they meet, Sophie knows Charli is the woman for her. But Charli is hiding a secret life" Of course she is, otherwise it would be out out in the open and not secret. I'm sorry but Ellie doesn't spark for me. She never has.
Tool Time by Jayne Rylon
"What's sexier than a man with a power tool who knows how to use it?" This author probably thinks they're hilarious. This would be amusing if it were a parody, but it ain't. Fuck this shit.
Taming Natasha by Nora Roberts
"From the beloved #1 New York Times bestselling author called 'the most successful novelist on Planet Earth'" No. That would be Agatha Christie, dipshit. Nora Roberts barely makes it into the top 20. If they have to outright lie about this in the book description, then toss the book back into the clearance bin. And taming a woman? Do women have to be tamed now?
A Conspiracy in Belgravia by Sherry Thomas
"Posing as a male detective named Sherlock, Charlotte Holmes sets out to solve London's most baffling mysteries - including the disappearance of her own half-brother." For fuck's sake! Really? No! Too much sherry.
Murder at the Lighthouse by Frances Evesham
"When a woman is found dead under a lighthouse, amateur sleuth Libby Forest teams up with her standoffish cat, a massive dog, and an attractive local to catch the culprit." But the solution is obvious: if she was found dead under a lighthouse, the lighthouse fell on her! Do we honestly need a cat and a dog in this story? Really? Couldn't it be, for a change, a catfish and a dogfish? Any novel with the word 'sleuth' anywhere on the cover is an automatic no. Or in this case anywhere in the cove...!
Awaken by Skye Malone
"Despite being forbidden to go near the ocean, Chloe runs away to the beach. Unable to resist the water, she sets in motion a series of strange occurrences and dangerous events - and discovers her true identity" Like it isn’t obvious? And why is the author Skye Malone? Why not Ocean Malone? C Malone? Levem Malone?
Shot to Hell by William W Johnstone and JA Johnstone
"When Perley Gates and his cowhand, Possum, journey to the small town of Bison Gap to avenge a murder, they find themselves facing down a ruthless gang of outlaws." It took two people to write this? I'm on the side of the outlaws. Perley Gates? seriously? Possum? Bison Gap? Why not just call it Buffalo Butt-Crack?
Displacement by Braylee Parkinson
"Private investigator Sylvia Wilcox will risk anything to find the truth behind her husband’s death." Even starring in an unoriginal novel? She must be desperate!
How to Find Love in a Bookshop by Veronica Henry
"After her father’s passing, Emilia considers selling the family bookstore. But the colorful members of her tight-knit community may change her mind… Tight knit or tightly knitting? It could be either in a story like this. USA Today describes this as "A love letter to books and the shops that sell them" but the book is selling through Amazon, the very online store that is killing local bookstores! How hypocritical can you get, Veronica? Stories about writers and about bookstores are a big no-no unless they have something truly original to offer, and almost none of them do.