"The Aldridge sisters are forced to live together in order to receive their late mother's inheritance - but danger soon descends on their old home." I care! Yet another tedious story in the genre of sisters or old friends getting together and an unnaturally happy ending. Yawn.
Friday, October 1, 2021
A Proposal to Die For by Vivian Conroy
"Lady Alkmene Callender is bored with London - until the suspicious death of a wealthy visitor!" So it takes murder to excite her. Got it. "Can Lady Alkmene and journalist Jake Dubois crack the case?" And it's their job why? But honestly, who cares if they can crack it or not?
Duskfall by Christopher Husberg
"When Knot is pulled half dead from the sea, he has no memory of his past." Those wet knots are really hard to undo. "As his elven wife, Winter, searches for him, can she learn to harness her own power?" Do we really care when the author tries to create an 'elven' world' but uses regular English words with a 'fey' twist and thinks they're somehow magical? I sure don't. And what the fuck does that title mean? Dusk...fall? Or was it disk fail and the words got scrambled?
Winter in Madrid by CJ Sansom
"After the Spanish Civil War, Harry Brett, a Dunkirk veteran turned British spy, finds himself entangled in a web of danger and intrigue." Okay someone is going to have to unpack this one for me. Since Dunkirk (1940) was after the Spanish civil war (1936-9), then why begin the description with 'after the Spanish Civil war? Does the author not know the one preceded the other? Or is it jsut that the book blurb writer is a moron? I'm confused, so a hard pass on this one.
Epic Fallacy Box Set: Books 1-3 by Michael James Ploof
"Though Murland dreams of being a great wizard, he's the joke of his wizarding school. His luck seems to change when he's chosen as a Champion of the Dragon, but the prophecy isn't what anyone expected." So, Harry Potter rip-off. O-kay. Yawn.
The Paris Wedding by Charlotte Nash
Booklist apparently claims this is: "Perfect for those seeking a romantic read with some bite" nit no. It;s perfect fpr readers who like an asshole for a main charcter. "Rachael is overjoyed when she’s offered a free trip to Paris. The only catch? She’ll have to attend her ex-boyfriend’s wedding while there." And so she goes like a little wind-up robot. Barf.
Keturah and Lord Death by Martine Leavitt
"When 16-year-old Keturah charms Lord Death with a love story, he grants her one day to find her own true love." At sixteen? So a retelling of 1001 nights. Yawn.
Monticello by Sally Cabot Gunning
"After five years abroad in France, Thomas Jefferson's eldest daughter, Martha, returns home to find herself troubled" but she mounts a cello, they make beautiful music together, and all is well - that is until she discovers the fact that the cello is just stringing her along...! Barf. We sure do need yet another ancestor-worship story about TJ and his clan don't we? Especially a whitewashing story about a woman who owned slaves, sold slaves, ill-treated slaves and tried to whitewash her father's indiscretions with slaves. This author should be ashamed of her own whitewashing, but somehow, when the author has that sort of a name, I'm really not surprised by her writing.
A Lady's Guide to Gossip and Murder by Dianne Freeman
All this authorls tiutles appear to be int he tedious format of "A Lady's Guide to _____ and Murder." Yawn. And they all appear to be as bad as each other: "While the rest of the ton retreats to the country, American-born Frances Wynn, the widowed Countess of Harleigh, decides to stay behind in London for some well-deserved quietude." Because heavens forbid we should ever have a story set in another country and have no Americans involved! involved. Barf. And everyone knows how much quieter it is in the crowded stinking city than in the pristine isolation of the countryside. "But when her friend is murdered, can Frances find the killer before it's too late?" Too late for what? To still find the killer? To buy a new dress? To be spoiled rotten? To be stay rich? Barf.
Divine Descendants: The Complete Series by Alicia Rades
After half-reading the execrably bad "Fire in Frost" by this author, and resenting the time I wasted on it, I was not suprrised by how mind-numbingly bad this plot is. "...angel Cora is attending the school of her dreams: a secret academy for supernatural beings. But in order to amplify her magic, she needs to combine forces with a demon - and she can't deny the power (and attraction) she feels when she's with Kellan" Seriously? This tired, retreaded, and threadbare plot is the best you got? Angel meets bad boy? Barf. And why, exactly, do these supernatural creatures have to attend school? This is the most ridiculous thing: it's essentially your retreaded tired high-school story, but with supernatural creatures, who behave exactly like human kids. Fuck. This. Tired. Shit.
Home Again by Kristin Hannah
"Cardiologist and single mother Madelaine hasn’t seen her daughter’s movie-star father in years — but when tragedy reunites them, can she face their difficult past?" Who gives a shit? And what the fuck does that cover - of two pairs of legs in shortened pants, standing on a beach - have to do with this story? The answer, in case you were wodnering, is fuckall. The whole thing is a disaster.
Friendly Fire by John Gilstrap
Tess Gerritsen (who I ahve heard of) claims this auhtor is "one of the finest thriller writers on the planet" which probably acocunts for why no one had heard of him Here we go: "Rescue expert Jonathan Grave...." Stop right there. This name is right up there alongside 'Stone', 'Steele', 'Cage', and what's that other one? Oh yes, 'Pierce' as a hard-bitten name. The fact that this is author Jeffery Deaver "favorite tough-guy hero" shoudl ell you all you need to know.
If I Disappear by Eliza Jane Brazier
Talking of dumb-ass titles, this one's a doozy. "When a beloved podcast host who tells stories of missing women disappears herself, loyal listener Sera Fleece investigates...." Sera? Fleece? Okay. Because some random listener is all over this while the police are, as per usual, worthless. Barf. And that title? Tediously pretentious.
After He Died by Michael J Malone
That Ian Rankin thinks this is "Vivid, visceral, and compulsive" tells me all I need to know about him, because this plot has been done to death already. "After 30 years of marriage, grief-stricken Paula Gadd is slipped a note at her husband’s funeral. What does its unsettling message mean — and how well did she really know her husband?" Another story about another dumb woman whose husband had a deep, dark, and dirty secret. Gads how many dumb-ass women are there out there? Because this happens all the time. In fiction. Yawn. And that title? barf.
Thursday, September 30, 2021
Beowulf by Andrew BF Carnabuci
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This is a new translation of Beowulf - arguably the most translated Old English work out there. Dating - possibly - to around 1000AD, the time of Ethelred the Unreedy, and Cnut, this was ancient even in Shakespeare's time, and it tells a poetic (in what served for poetry at the time - not like modern stuff) tale of Beowulf (whose name gave the untitled work a title) and his three great battles against Grendel, Grendel's mom, and against the dragon.
It's really the story of a curse brought upon warriors for their philandering, because it turns out that Grendel is the child of King Hrothgar, and the dragon is the child of Beowulf himself, both of them the offpsring of their dalliance with Grendel's mom, whose real name is Lulabelle. Just kidding. She goes unnamed. In fact, as a female, she's lucky to get a mention since this is all about manly men, sterling feats, and lusty living.
You may be familiar with the story from that execrable 2007 CGI movie starring Angelina Jolie, Robin Wright-Penn, Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, and a gratuitus John Malkovich, which while loosely following the story, was so wrong on so many levels. Grendel's mom wears high heels? Really? I know it's a macho tale of not backing down, but literally nobody blinks? Really?
The real story does often meander away from the main action into tales of Beowulf's achievements, but this is how it was back then, a sort of merrily plodding, repetitive, alliterative story-telling which got there eventually by hitting all the career high-spots of this legendary man's man and his cadre of steely warriors. It also uses the phrase, 'lord of the rings'! I guess that's where Tolkien got it from.
The only issue I had with this was that the embedded links from the text to the glossary/reference section were a bit flaky in that if they were close to the edge of the screen a reader risked swiping the screen to the next or the previous one when tapping on the link, rather than going to the actual reference. The reference section and bibliography is extensive though, running to 25 screens on my iPad.
Also, I read my books on a black screen with white text to save on battery power and the dark-blue reference numbers were hard to read against the black screen. This wouldn't have mattered except that the reference you jump to is part of a list of them; it's not to a single reference, so I couldn't tell for sure which particular reference in the list I had jumped to, and therefore couldn't be sure, when I tapped back, that I'd end up exactly where I left! That made for a fun read. The content list was likewise hard to read for the same reason - and it had, as usual, the listed items too close together to tap confidently to jump to a particular chapter. Double spacing between lines would have helped considerably.
That aside though, I liked this translation and I commend it for anyone interested in this ancient tale, for all are punishéd, and never was a story of more dolor than this of Grendel and his Modor....
Monday, September 27, 2021
Charming Falls Apart by Angela Terry
"Allison’s perfect life crumbles when she’s fired and comes home to find her fiancé in bed with her maid of honor. Launching into a new life, can the self-help aisle and a meditation retreat in Costa Rica help her start over?" Who gives a fuck, really? This tired shtick has been done to death and her life can't be so fucking bad if she can afford to take time in Costa Rica, which is a beautiful, stable, independent nation in central America with a robust economy, an educated population, and a tourism industry that sees pretty much as many tourists over the course of a year as there are people actually living in Costa Rica! What does this idiot have to whine about?!
The Locust Point Mystery 3 Book Set: Books 1–3 by Libby Howard
"Senior sleuth Kay Carrera can see ghosts after her cataract surgery — and they all want her help!" Why? Could they not ask for it even though she could not see them? This story make no sense, but at least it doesn't claim to come with a box.
Pirate King by Laurie R King
"At Scotland Yard’s request, Mary Russell — Sherlock Holmes’s wife" Stop right there. The ficitonal Mary charcter is fifteen when she meets Sherlock who sixty at the time - and later they marry? This whole thing has an element of pedophilia about it, and that doesn't even get into the element of rip-off. I'm not one who thinks relationships with an older partner are disgusting, unnatural, or scandalous, but there are limits, and this would seem to blow right past those. Yuk. And Barf.
Sunday, September 26, 2021
Traitor by Amanda McCrina
"Fans of Code Name Verity will enjoy this." Barf. That lets me out! "In World War II-era Poland," because if there's one thing this world desperately needs it's yet another WW2 story. But wait - WW2 era What does that even mean? "17-year-old Tolya is faced with danger and betrayal after killing a Russian police officer." Then retitle it 'For Whom the Bell Tolya." Why not? Yawn.
Caster by Elsie Chapman
"In Aza's world," What's her last name? Kadabra? "...magic - known as casting" of course it is - so we can try to have a super cool new buzzword instead of the tried and tested ones that have gone before? Yawn. I already dislike this pretentious story. Now if Caster was drilled for oil, it might be amusing.
Screams from the Void by Anne Tibbets
Note the not-so-subtle play on the Alien movie catchphrase - In space, no one can hear you scream? "When a strange biological creature jumps aboard the space freighter Demeter, Raina and the crew must fight for their lives - and avoid turning on one another in the process." Can you say 'unimaginative Alien clone'? Yawn. And what is meant by 'biological creature' exactly? As opposed to what other sort of a creature? LOL! If it's artifical, call it a robot. Duhh!
Primary Command by Jack Mars
The unimaginative military title warned me off reading this one. "After a mission to rescue American hostages on a submarine goes sideways, Delta Force veteran Luke Stone" stop right there. Yet another hard-bitten special forces guy with a name like stone, or steel or cage? Barf. Count me out. You ain't gonna hold me hostage to a tired, retreaded storyline that's already been done to death. And why Delta Force instead of the Navy SEALs? Don't answer that. I really don't care.
An American Bullet by John Stonehouse
"When a train and car collide during a Colorado winter storm, US Marshal John Whicher comes to assist a local officer on board - only to discover that his contact has disappeared into thin air. A breathless standalone in a series." How is it a stabndalone, exactly, if it's in a series? Wait, Colorado? Thin air? Breathless? Is this a joke? And why 'An American bullet'? Are we so insecure that we need to ram 'American' in front of everything? Stonehouse apparently is because this is the second one of this that I've non-reviewed and that had 'American' in front of the title too! A better title would have been 'Trackless', or 'Crossed Lines', or even, 'Bullet train', but none of thsoe really go well with 'American'.... Yawn.
Murder at the Beacon Bakeshop by Darci Hannah
"The grand opening of Lindsey Bakewell's new pastry shop" - wait, the baker is called Bakewell? Seriously? "...goes horribly wrong, leaving her ex's girlfriend dead - and Lindsey as the main suspect. Now she has to catch a killer to clear her name." That's actually not how it works. She has to be found guilty in a court of law. She doesn't have to prove anything. But this exact plot has been baked to a crisp already. Yawn.
Driven by Dane Cobain
"When a young woman is killed in London and the police insist it was a tragic accident, private detective James Leipfold is sure there’s more to the story — and teams up with his crossword-loving intern Maile O’Hara to crack the case." Why in the name of all that's actual fuck would he team up with a crossword lover? I mean for fuck's sake! What does he do, exactly? Feed her the clues in the from of crossword challenges, and she imemdiately solves them? One down and two to go? Pathetic.
Beezley and the Witch - Books 1-3 by Willow Mason
"Excommunicated from her coven, down on her luck, and in desperate need of funds — what’s a witch to do?" Use her witchcraft to magic up some money and a nice home. Otherwise what the fuck use is this power? Yawn.
Boneshaker by Cherie Priest
"Ezekiel Wilkes’s father invents a cutting-edge drilling machine — but when it tragically malfunctions, he’s blamed for creating a zombie-ridden wasteland...." So a purported steampunk novel that once again, isn't about steampunk at all, but about a zombie apocalypse. Yawn.
The Pillars of Enoch by David S Brody
Talking of tired plots: "After telling historian Cameron Thorne about a hidden, ancient stone tablet, an elderly man is murdered." No. There's nothing in any ancient stone tablet that can be Earth-shattering, or that can bring down a religion (short of all its adherents committing suicide), or that is even remotely problematic for the modern world. It's bullshit, and this storyline has been cloned far too many times. Yawn.
Blindsighted by Karin Slaughter
I've never had a shred of good luck reading this author, which is why I won't touch her novels any more, but the issue here is how unoriginal this plot sounds. Author Tess Gerritson (who I have heard of for once!) claims Slaughter is "one of the boldest thriller writers working today” and I guess this is because of how uninventive and unimaginative her plots are. The blurb says: "When a young professor is murdered in a small town, coroner Sara Linton discovers her past could hold the key to catching the killer" so this is yet another in a tedious line of retreaded stories where the protagonist has a troubled past which holds the key to catching a killer. Seriously? This is tired; so very tired.
Switched by Amanda Hocking
Amanda Hocking was once the darling of the publishing world, rising from self-publishing her stories to the New York Times bestseller list. We're told this novel has some 34,000 five-star (Amazon-owned-)Goodreads ratings, so the question is, why is she reduced to flogging it for two bucks in a discount book flyer? The blurb has it that "Years after her mother tried to kill her, Wendy discovers she’s a changeling — and now someone has arrived to take her home to an unfamiliar world… This richly imagined fantasy is first in a trilogy!" Of course it is because why not milk an unoriginal idea for every penny you can get (hence the two-buck deal, I guess). From what I understand about the book, never having read a word of Hocking's writing, this story is pure authorial wish fulfilment from start to finish (which probably explains the lack of a plot), and both main characters are bad tropes as well as complete jerks. So no, just no.
The Worst Best Man by Mia Sosa
This is "Rom-com perfection" according to Entertainment Weekly, we're told, which in turn tells me everything I need to know about about how utterly useless they are when it comes to gaging the quality of a novel. The tedious blurb says, "After wedding planner Lina is left at the altar, the job opportunity of a lifetime falls into her lap. There’s just one catch: She’ll have to work alongside Max — her ex’s infuriating brother!" How many fucking times has this EXACT SAME STORY been told? The left at the altar horseshit, the suppsoedly new life, the infuriating someone? Seriously? Get a fucking clue and come up with something original. For. Fuck's. Sake.
Saturday, September 25, 2021
A Tale of Two Murders by Heather Redmond aka Heather Hiestand aka Anh Leod
"Book one in a series" of curse it is. "In 1830s London, young Charles Dickens is an ambitious journalist on the rise — but after a dreadful murder, he must team up with his boss’s daughter, charming Kate Hogarth, to search for a killer." Barf. Another abuse of historical figures. No wonder the dipshits at Kirkus thought that "Mystery fans and history buffs alike should cheer." Their approval is enough to put me of any book for life.
Expelled by Ell Leigh Clarke
"When Jayne Austin’s" Seriously? "...shocking discovery gets her kicked out of spy school," what - she discovered she was still a virgin? "...she starts an agency of her own — but her first case could decide the fate of the planet!" Could it be any more melodramatic? Assholes who write these spastic, spittle-inflected book blurbs need to step it down. Not everything can be continually shocking and explosive even when you're trying to sell an unimaginative and derivative novel. You know, people are only neophilic for a time, then the novelty wears off and they become varetophobic, so if you're using these same overly-dramatic terms constantly, how long do you honestly think the novelty and impact is going to last? Never mind I ought to be asking that of intellgent people which excludes you fucktards.
Pleasant Grove by Jason Price
"Twelve-year-old Agnes lives in Pleasant Grove, a lovely small town surrounded by a glass dome. No one is allowed in or out, but when a mysterious and amnesic boy arrives in town, can Agnes discover where he’s from — and what he knows?" If no one is allowed in or out, how the fuck does Amnesiac Boy get in? This is one more in a long and tedious line of trapped maidens being rescued by St George. Yawn.
The Thorn Princess by Bekah Harris
"First in a series" - of course it is, because why wrote one dumb-ass novel when you can clone it endlessly into a series?! "When Ivy meets enigmatic transfer student Barrett," so this is yet another YA novel where the girl is dumb and useless until a guy saves her. Fuck this shit.
Snowflakes at the Little Christmas Tree Farm by Jaimie Admans
"After a few too many glasses of wine, Leah awakens" so Leah is a Lush, "...to discover she’s accidentally purchased a Christmas tree farm in Scotland!" and a dumb-ass. But it gets worse: "A getaway to rural Elffield" Elf Field? Really? "...might be just what Leah needs to distract herself from her cheating ex" If he's her ex, then how is it cheating? If he cheated before, then it's understandable given that she's a lush who impulse buys farms when drunk. Jeeze! Shes lucky he stayed with her as long as he did. He was more than likely driven to distration by her appalling and out-of-control behavior. But guess what? This asshole is rewarded because "she meets handsome pumpkin farmer Noel" Yep, but Noel (seriously - in a Christmas story this is the best name you got?) is looking so pie-eyed at the pumpkin farmer that she doesn't realize he really is a pumpkin that one of those elves has enchanted. When his pump(kin) ejaculates, Leah finds out just how seedy he is.... The amusing thing is that this isn't the dumbest idea this author has had!
Dream Casters: Light by Adrienne Woods
"When a high school prank goes terribly awry, Chastity learns that" she's no longer a virgin? The convent won't accept her application? Murdering a fellow student, even accidentally, is a "bad thing?" Dream Topping isn't a sexual position? Who cares though, really?
Just Desserts by GA McKevett
"When a murder rocks California, sassy Southern-bred detective Savannah Reid must sort through the suspects to make sure the killer gets their just desserts" Seriously? Could you be any more of a cliché? Since she's southern, she's named Savannah and she's sassy? Barf.
The Accidental Beauty Queen by Teri Wilson
This isn't so much the accidental beauty queen as it is the intentional fraud. "When her twin, Ginny, falls sick the night before a beauty pageant, shy librarian Charlotte must take her place in a glitzy run for the crown." If they were sisters but not twins that might have made for a decent story, but do we really want our hero to be thoroughly deceptive and dishonest?
In Your Dreams by Julia Kent
"After ditching her boyfriend when she found out he was actually married, Laura starts having passionate, pleasure-filled dreams that involve two men." So his wanting two women is a no-no, but her wanting two men is a dream? Barf!
The Burning Girls by CJ Tudor
"After Reverend Jack Brooks" Stop right there. Another dipshit story with a main character named Jack. GET A CLUE!
Finding Joy by Adriana Herrera
"When Dominican American emergency relief worker Desta spends 12 weeks in Addis Ababa, he meets Elias, an Ethiopian doctoral student. Can the two risk everything to build a future together?" What the fuck, exactly, are they risking? And who is Joy? LOL! Shouldn't it be titled "Finding Elias"?! Another dumbass book description with the bonus of a questionable title.
A Pepper Brooks Mystery Collection: Books 1–3 by Eryn Scott
"Bookish amateur sleuth Pepper Brooks uses her knowledge to solve murders based on the works of Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Austen." WTF? "With the help of a handsome library clerk" (barf) "and a dog named Hamburger," (double barf) "can she read between the lines and crack the cases?" Why must she? Are the police useless? And how is Jane Austen, with so little sense and sensibility, and much pride and prejudice, going to help her solve the crime? It's a three day blow, all sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Red Death by Alan Jacobson
Another book blurb fail! "When FBI profiler Karen Vail arrives in Honolulu to investigate a woman’s supposedly natural death, she finds herself hunting an elusive serial killer" What serial killer isn't elusive? That's why they're serial killers! Duhh! If they weren't elusive, they'd be caught before they could serially kill! Yawn.
The Girl at the End of the World by Richard Levesque
That title is suspect to begin with, but it gets worse! "Scarlett Fisher leads an ordinary life - until catastrophe strikes across the globe, decimating the population and changing the world as we know it. As she navigates an apocalyptic wasteland..." Stop right there! How many times have people 'navigated an apocalyptic wasteland'? Far too many. This is tedious. Does the book blurb writer not understand that decimating literally means losing one in ten? Yes, it’s a catastrophe, but it still means there is well over six billion people remaining. Or does he or she simply need to retake English 101 before writing any more shitty blurbs? Yawn.
Resurrection Row by Anne Perry
"When disinterred corpses start appearing across London, inspector Thomas Pitt and his wife, Charlotte, must venture into the city's seedy underworld to solve the case" And his wife? Why exactly? Why would a Victorian man even consider involving his wife in such a ghoulish case? No. just no.
Up to Date by Susan Hatler
"Ginger is at an impasse - bored with her job and desperate to forget her infatuation with Greg, a sexy emergency room doctor." How is this tedious retreaded crap even remotely entertaining? A jackass who isn't smart enough to look for more challenging work and who naturally has the hots for a doctor, because no other profession is worth lying down passively and opening your legs for, which is all she wants to do, right? And no doctor is worth shit unless he's an emergency room doctor. Barf. What a bunch of trash! Slap a DNR on this DoA.
The Deep End by Julie Mulhern
For reasons which escape me, this author seems obsessed with women swimming into stiffs in the water. Make of that what you will. "When Ellison's morning swim brings her face-to-face with the dead body of her husband's mistress, it's a stroke of bad luck indeed - especially when she becomes a suspect in the woman's murder! Can she clear her name and find the killer before the case goes belly-up?" And she must prove her innocence rather than have the prosecutors prove her guilty because...? It's opposite day? She's a person of the first water? Her name inexplicably, is Ellison? Her husband's mistress's name was Chlorine Fresh? Yawn.
Saving CeeCee Honeycutt by Beth Hoffman
You know I've done an amusing number of these (and a number on these), and the same names keep on cropping up. I'd be against this one just from the title, but the author seems to love that kind of title. The plot is intriguing: "CeeCee begins a quirky new life in Savannah with her great-aunt Tootie." Does 'Tootie' have a problem with gas? At least she has wind in her sails.... I'd be tempted to see, but it would probably blow. That 'quirky' in the description is a huge turn off.
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