"With the United States on the verge of nuclear apocalypse, former Navy SEAL Jack" stop ight ther ebcause I am flaloigna lseep already. Insanely apocalyptic claim, borign goto character named kjack? FUCK JACK! Get a new name for fuck's sake becaus eif all youc an do is continualyl retread the most over-used fuckign am,me in ficitonal hisotry then I am NEVER gign tor ead your shit. barf.
Wednesday, September 22, 2021
For the Wolf by Hannah Whitten
"Cursed with immense power, Red is destined to be sacrificed to the Wolf of the Wood - but if she refuses, the fate of the kingdom could be at stake." Why? Is the wolf a vampire? Stake - vampire, get it? Never mind.... On a more serious note, can anyone say 'Beauty and the Beast redux'? Yawn. Not impressed. That 'immense power' was a dead giveaway - that the story is dead.
Monday, September 20, 2021
By Earth by T Thorn Coyle
I read one book - or started it anyway, by this author and she's far too invested in her topic. That novel came off far more as preaching than story-telling. This one is billed as The Witches of Portland #1, and it's the inevitable start of the inevitable series because Selene forbid we should have any more standalone novels. Jeeze!
The plot is that ghosts are invading Portland Oregon - why that should be I have no idea. Maybe it's explained in the novel, but I have little faith in that. Here's the real problem though: "Cassie has trouble enough, and then Joe walks into the café." Joe is "Cute enough to be interesting," but he's also "haunted and doesn't know it. Haunted by a dead girlfriend who insists the city itself is in trouble." I can see exactly how this story will pan out right from there and it's boring. Even if it doesn't play out exactly as it seems like it will, it's still boring. There is nothing new here and it made no internal sense, either. I'm not buying this ghost story!
Wrapped in the Past by Chess Desalls
This was a weird story about a time traveler who takes his family on a trip back, purportedly, to the deserts of the Middle East where they meet the "three magi" following the star to Bethlehem. This is such a literal interpretation of the Biblical story and it's not even accurate, even if we pretend for a minute that the story was true. This legend appears only in the gospel of Matthew, which Matthew didn't write, and nowhere does it say there were three dudes.
There are three prized treasures mentioned, but that doesn't mean there were three magi each with one treasure. Nor is there any solid indication that they were literally following a bright star in the sky. It merely says that they saw his star in the east (not in the west, note!) and have come to bow before him. They could have been astrologers who looked at a chart saw some sort of a sign and headed out with no star visible in the sky whatsoever. The best guess is that (assuming there were real) they were Zoroastrian priests. Zoroastrianism, coming out of what's now Iran, has had a significant influence on the development of Christianity.
The thing about this story is: how did this family happen to light down in the very place where these dudes were traveling? The desert is not a small place and although there were trade routes, they were vague. There was no highway to follow. This family had no idea where they would be along the route, even assuming that they were following one. They didn't even know which year this took place nor at what time of year, so the improbabilities were rife. Add to that the morphing yacht turning into a camel and the convenient fact that the father has taken very little time to master the common languages of that place and period, it was too much. It would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than to consider this to be realistic fiction.
Jenny Greenteeth by Aubrey Law
This is one a series of short stories that are presented as prequels to the Black Annis story by this author that I read and enjoyed a while back. They're free downloads, but they were really not very thrilling because first of all they didn't mean a whole heck of a lot to me. I don't recall any of these characters from the Black Annis story, although it's been a while and a few books since I read that. On top of that, the story is so short you can never really get into it.
One of the problems with this for me was the same problem I'd had with Black Annis in that there was a significant gross-out factor to it, and there's only so much disgusting description I can read without becoming truly tired of it. The problem here is that gross-out was all this particular story seemed to be! It went into some detail about Jenny Greenteeth's foul habits and depraved diet and her abominable abdominal activities, and it really lost me in the sense that my eyes were glazing over after a paragraph or two of that, and yet still it went on.
The story was about four wizards - who I didn't know and had zero investment in. Their fates were immaterial to me, so there was no excitement or engagement. Anyway, they set out into the swamp to take down Greenteeth, who apparently used to be married to that Bluetooth guy. Just kidding! Why they were after her, I do not know, other than that she was simply gross, maybe. The thing which strikes me about these 'magic' stories is that they are so dated in their philosophy.
I mean, Greenteeth lived "in a bloody swamp," as Michael Palin might describe it. She never left and only preyed upon those who entered, so all they had to do was fence it off, and the problem was solved. But they stalk in there, using old school magic, and get their noses bloodied eventually. Why not just conjure up a tactical nuke? Or a black hole to swallow her up? Their techniques seemed laughably quant.
So for a variety of reasons I can't commend this as a worthy read.
Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy
Way to trash a symbol of peace and love, Tom! Name a terrorist group after a rainbow. Or is the six referring to the SEAL team - who are all gay? Now that would be a story worth reading, but this, this is Tom's same old shtick. From "the wildly popular author of The Hunt for Red October" which was published three decades ago and this is the only recommendation the blurb can give him? This is because Tom Clancy isn't even in the top 100 American authors in terms of book sales, let alone world authors, so how is he 'wildly popular'? Lewis Carroll outsells Tom Clancy and he's been dead for over a century. "Navy SEAL veteran John Clark must take down a terrorist group with the power to annihilate the entire human race." Ri-ght! Yawn.
The Pardon by James Grippando
Grippando is a freaking awesome name to conjure with. I wish it had conjured something better. "A Miami defense attorney and his father, the governor of Florida, are forced to overcome their differences when a killer puts the lives of both men in jeopardy." Why? Does the governor and his family not have protection? Why is this an issue?
The Island by Mary Grand
"After years abroad," Does this mean she is a broad or that this is the roam-eo part of the story? "Juliet returns to the Isle of Wight" only to discover people of color now live there and it's been renamed the Isle of Diversity. No wonder her racist father is dying. But secretly, he's perfectly healthy and he is in fact, the "killer stalking the island" trying to wipe out the non-whites. Meanwhile Juiliet is at a complete loss. She doesn't know what to do and takes to roaming again - the streets, alone, at night, singing old Knack songs such as "My Verona" and "Good Girls Don't (But I Sleuth)." Barf.
All Together by Brill Harper
"Nerdy Penelope" as stereotypically exemplified by the eyeglasses on the cover, "has never even been kissed." Yeah, because she's hotter than hell, but those damned eyeglasses prevented anyone from seeing it until these two horny toads came along. Ri-ight! Way to slot people into trite pigeon holes. Barf. What is "Brill" short for just out of curiosity, or is it the full name? Or is her name actually Harper Brill and she switched it for effect, which would be pretty cool?
Zen Ties by Jon J Muth
Are zen ties at all like zip ties? "A giant panda named Stillwater uses Zen wisdom to teach his haiku-loving nephew about compassion and friendship." So a Chinese animal is teaching Buddhism and Japanese poetry to another Chinese animal? This sounds very confused. And confusing. I liked "Zen Ghosts" by this author, but I think he needs a new shtick.
Million Dollar Date by Susan Hatler
I have a soift spot for the name Susan, but I have to reject this one. "To save her local dog rescue, pet lover Abigail must convince police officer Cooper - her blind date turned enemy - to fund the charity. But as she spends time with her polar opposite, could she also end up wanting something else?" So she's willing to sell her body for cash? Isn't that prostitution? And where is a police officer going to come up with a million dollars? And why him? Is there no one else to ask? And if he's the sort of person who has to be convinced to help out animals, what the fuck is she doing with a jerk like that anyway? No. Just no.
Death by Cashmere by Sally Goldenbaum
Now if it were "Death in Kashmir" it might ave intrigued me, but this is evidently just another stupid yarn: "When a killer strikes too close to home in her Massachusetts seaside village, knitting shop owner and super sleuth Izzy Chambers is dead set on tracking down the culprit!" No, and no. And one more time: the hell no! A knitting shop owner? She's better at catching criminals than the police? Any novel that has the word 'sleuth' on the cover is an automatic rejection. And a knitting shop owner? Wolly thinking if I ever saw it.... Yawn.
Left to Run by Blake Pierce
I think this title's missing a 'nowhere'! "As FBI special agent Adele Sharp..." stop right there! A book written by Pierce has an FBI agent named sharp? No. Just no. How can a novel with such a trite character name be considered cutting edge? Jsut aksing! Yawn.
A Taste of Rosebridge Box Set by Harper Logan
"This collection transports you to the small town of Rosebridge, where three men discover their perfect matches" which is the worst thing that could have happened to them because all three were heavy smokers and now they had the perfect lighting tool, chain smoking became a real option. Long story short, they all died within minutes of each other one magical winter's night, happily smoking themselves to death. Santa died of a heart-attack upon seeing there was no fucking box with this set!
A Million Junes by Emily Henry
"From a New York Times bestselling author" - who ought to know better then! This is yet another in a long line of uninteresting Romeo and Juliet rip-offs. The title alone ought to steer anyone in their right mind away from this. "June and Saul were born into two opposing families with a legendary feud - but when they team up to unravel the magical truth behind the rift, it sparks a forbidden love" Barf.
Save Me a Seat by Sarah Weeks, Gita Varadarajan
Now I concede that 'Varadarajan' is an amazing name that would probably take Weeks to pronounce (see what I did there?), but I can't get with the blurb. "As Ravi struggles to find his place at his new school, he discovers an unlikely ally in Joe, the class bully’s other target." Thus is yet another novel that teaches kids that they're on their own, no adult, least of all a teacher, will help them. No wonder Monty Kirkus's Fly-ass Circus loved it.
Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner
Here's the weird thing about this one. The blurb tells us: "Will appeal to readers of Holly Black and Cassandra Clare (Kirkus Reviews)" _ why do they have to quote Kirkus Reviews in saying who it will appear to? I know Kirkus doesn't remotely grasp the idea of a negative review, but what if this was that once-in-a-blue Moon negative review so all they could quote was that? That's truly pathetic, isn't it? Another reason to dislike this book. On top of that, it starts with "In a world" which turned me off. Do fairies even ahve bones? I thought they boasted exoskeletons? Anyway, it continues, "devastated by the war between humans and Faerie," The author is too chickenshit to call them fairies, so we have the return of the 'fae'. That's the death knell right there. Don't need to read another word to know I would hate this novel, although I do love the "Janni Lee" part of the author's name. That sounds pretty cool to me, and I did like her "Tiernay West, Professional Adventurer" but I cnalt get with one with a blurb like this.
The Jack Reacher Cases Box Set: Books 10–12 by Dan Ames
Another Jack Reach-Around fun-fester. Who really cares? Obviously not many, if this author has to unload three volumes for ninety-nine cents. Go look up the definition of 'market saturation' and see if that helps any....
The Other Wife by Claire McGowan
"Living in an isolated cottage with her controlling husband, Suzi is terrified that someone will discover the secret she guards. When Nora moves in next door," Wait, what? Wasn't the cottage isolated? How can there be a next door? LOL! That's how dumb this garbage is. "Suzi is delighted to have a friend — but her new neighbor seems to know more about Suzi than she should." That's because dumb-ass Suzi has been posting all her shit on F-book and other brain-dead online addictions.
Their Matchmaker by Allyson Lindt
"Cynthia needs investors to fund her high-tech matchmaking service — but Aaron and Gavin won’t bite unless she lets them test her algorithm!" You bet your ass they test her algorithm and not one of the three cares a shit about the sexual history of the other two. They'll get theirs coming.... Lindt removal, aisle nine, please!
Gunpowder Moon by David Pedreira
"While working a lucrative mining operation on the moon, Caden Dechert is swept into a dangerous conspiracy that could have catastrophic consequences." Of course he is - because regular consequences can never be enough. Why are dudes working there instead of robots? Oh, I know, because this is one of those common sci-fi novels in which metallic plague has wiped out all robots, so humans have to fill their jobs. This book cover shows a space helmet lying on the Moon's surface with a bullet hole in it. Either the author or the cover artist apparently doesn't get that there's no air on the moon therefore gunpowder will not burn, therefore bullets will not fly unless you have some sort of a compressed air system to fire it. He'll figure it out. Yawn.
The Color of a Dream by Julianne MacLean
Any novel with a title like this is worth skipping. Again, this is the same story as the orevious two I just listed. "Nadia has survived a heart transplant - but when a recurring dream leads her to heroic rescue pilot Jesse" We get a plot that's been done to death a million times already and a woman depserately in need of saving by soem hot dude. Yawn.
Hawk by James Patterson, Gabrielle Charbonnet
James Patterson sucks as an author. Here's another reason why: "In postapocalyptic New York City, 17-year-old Hawk survives alone - but does she share a destiny with Maximum Ride, the winged hero who disappeared 10 years ago?" Maximum Ride? Why not just call him Vaginal Orgasm-Guaranteed? At its core, this novel is exactly the same as the "Fire in Ice" I just got through discussing.
Fire in Ice by Jennifer DiGiovanni
Any novel with a title of this nature is almost guaranteed to be unadulterated crap. "After recovering from a rare illness, Cara discovers she has the unusual ability to generate energy. Alex shares the same gift — and when they cross paths, he must teach her" Of course he must because women are useless in these books, especially when written by female YA authors. They always need a guy to rescue and then validate them, and to especially treat them like a child. Barf
The Last Vampire by Kathryn Meyer Griffith
I wish it were the last vampire. "In a world" OMG, it's an "In a World" story.... "where the human race is spiraling toward extinction and vampires are starting to follow suit, Emma Bloodworth" Stop right there. Emma Bloodworth? Seriously? Fuck this shit. Vampires suck and have been done to death.
Finding Fraser by KC Dyer
"obsessed Outlander fan Emma flies to Scotland in search of a real-life Highland hero." That should tell you all you need to know to avoid this shit like the plague, right there. I take that back; it's not shit - it's diarrhea. Any novel with a title of that format is highly suspect. Yawn.
Meditations in Green by Stephen Wright
A title like this is an automatic no to me. And I don't think it's written by the comedian Stephen Wright - in which case it might have been worth a read. "After returning from his deployment in Vietnam, US soldier James Griffin seeks solace as he struggles to adjust to civilian life." Who cares, really? That war ended half a century ago, yet we're still obsessed with it? Let's be obsessed, if we must, with internalizing the lesson from it, because clearly we haven't done that yet given the failure of four consecutive presidents over Afghanistan, and with taking care of returning vets. Other than that, let it go for fuck's sake.
The Haunting of Briarwych Church by Amy Cross
"In the midst of World War II, Father Lionel Loveford is tasked with reopening an abandoned church with a tragic history." Why? In the 'midst' or a world war, this is all he can find to do? "But there’s a malevolent presence lurking in the shadows — and it is desperate to exact revenge on the entire village" Exact revenge is nothing. It's the imprecise revenge that scares me! Seriously - this is going to be one of those stories where for reasons inexplicable, the malevolent spirit is supremely subtle to begin with and then slowly ramps up the revenge instead of going full metal hack it on them from the off. Why? No one ever explains that. And why isn't the malevolence already "exacting" revenge? Why does it have to wait until the church is reopened? And where is Father Lovelace's god? Why is this god so useless in cases of malevolent spirits? Why is it that humans have to be the ones to fix it? Not much of a god really, is it?
See You in the Cosmos by Jack Cheng
Slap a Newberry on this one. Yawn. Kirkus calls it "riveting" because they evidently don't know what that means outside of the sheet metal construction business. The story is that "Alex loves everything about the cosmos — especially Carl Sagan, his dog named after the astronomer. But a trip away from home makes Alex realize that Earth (and his family on it) are way more special than he thought." Absolutely. It turns out that his dog is actually the reincarnation of Carl Sagan, being punished for his evil atheistic ways, but he comes up with a new theory that finally explains Stephen Hawking, and the cosmos suddenly makes sense! Jennifer Niven raves: "I haven’t read anything that has moved me this much since Wonder." Who the fuck is Jennifer Niven and why should I care what she thinks?
New Girl in Little Cove by Damhnait Monaghan
"Arriving in Little Cove as the village’s new French teacher, mainlander Rachel is a fish out of water. Can she learn to love her new community?" Nope! My prediction is that she goes psycho on their quirky asses, gunning them all down mercilessly before rampaging gloriously across Ireland - or wherever this is set - and then the globe, wiping out humanity until she's all that's left - she and her little friend, who now no one can meet....
This Body of Death by Elizabeth George
"After his wife’s murder, inspector Thomas Lynley stepped away from Scotland Yard… but a disturbing crime deep in a secluded cemetery requires his return." And yet again with the 'coming out of retirement' meme. How many scores of times has this been done? I read and negatively reviewed a novel by this author in 2016 and evidently she's shown no sign of improvement in five years. Yawn.
After Anna by Alex Lake
Performed by an Earphones Award–winning narrator: A week after Julia’s five-year-old daughter vanishes without a trace, she returns home, seemingly unharmed - but has no memory of what happened or where she’s been." How many times has this same plot been warmed over now? Yawn.
His Wife's Sister by AJ Wills
A chilling thriller read by dual narrators!" Barf. "After disappearing 19 years earlier, Damian’s sister-in-law Mara is found in the woods - alone, starving, and telling a harrowing tale of an underground cell and a miraculous escape." Automatic no to any novel where the title renders t he female as an appendage of someone else - evne when she's the "wife's sister." Doesntl she have a name? And isn't this the exact plot of the 1997 movie Kiss the Girls? Yawn.
Reawakened by Colleen Houck
While visiting a museum, 17-year-old Lily meets a handsome stranger - who turns out to be an ancient Egyptian prince!" Of course he does because Cleo forbid we should actually have a story about a 17 year old woman who doesn't need validation from a man. I'll bet the prince speak perfect English with an American idiom too. Barf.
Sunday, September 19, 2021
Extra Dirty by Mia Gold
"Former MMA fighter Ruby Steele" Stop right there! Another main character in a 'tough guy' novel, who is unoriginally named Steele? While I do approve of the seven latter author name (!), I have to rate this one a barf. And a Yawn.
Straits of Power by Joe Buff
"In the midst of war, Commander Jeffrey Fuller must navigate his cutting-edge submarine to reach a German informant. Wait, the German informant is hiding in his submarine? How hard can it be to find him? "But when he suspects the man of being a double agent, the fate of his mission — and the globe — hang in the balance." Yeah right. Yawn. Another obsessed story about World War Two. When are we going to remember never to forget, but move the fuck on from these tired old, repetitive stories?
Mercy River by Glen Erik Hamilton
The title alone is warning enough to avoid this novel. Any novel with 'river' in the title is a losing proposition, period, and especially so when coupled with a term like 'mercy'!
Fallen by Lexxi James
Isn't that first name of the author missing an X? "After tragedy struck, Kathryn was there for former soldier Jake. He’s been secretly watching over her ever since." Great - a stalker novel where the weak woman falls in love with the strong savior guy - but wait, if he's to be the dominant BDSM partner, why was he so subjugated that he let her take care of him? Barf.
Boop and Eve’s Road Trip by Mary Helen Sheriff
“Warm, witty, and wise” (National Book Award–winning author Han Nolan) - whom I've never heard of so why would I take that as a recommendation? if they're an award-winning writer that's actually a disrecommendation to me! "When struggling Eve sets out on a journey to find her missing best friend, her grandmother, Boop, decides to tag along" Finally a story about what happened to Betty Boop after she left showbiz. But Boop? Seriously? Barf.
Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman
"From a #1 New York Times bestselling author comes an anthology that is both enthralling and unsettling. 'Exciting, often musical writing' (The Boston Globe), with over 17,000 five-star ratings on Goodreads." That was perfect. A book blurb that doesn't tell you shit about what's actually in the book other than that it's a collection of short stories. Great. I'm sure going to rush out and buy that one! Seriously? I don't have a great relationship with Neil Gaiman. I haven't liked a lot of what I've read of his, but he did once write a kick-ass Doctor Who episode. Definite mega-warty on the book blurb though!
Horses of the Sun by Leanne Owens
"In the remote Australian outback," isn't all outback remote by definition? That's why it's called outback, isn't it? "...siblings Dane, Lani, and Matthew pursue their goal of becoming champion horseback riders." If they were going to be horse front riders I'd find it a compelling read, but otherwise, it's just another bunch of horses asses. I do wonder, though, do these horses of the sun like to eat golden apples of the sun?
Only the Pretty Lies by Rebekah Crane
"High school senior Amoris" Stop right there. Amoris? Really? WTF?! "...when her old crush, Jamison, moves in next door, Amoris is forced to confront the community’s dark side…" This is "a YA novel with love and substance." Sorry but that's a contradiction in terms. YA novels are almost universally insubstantial shit conflating infatuation with love, and there's every reason to believe a novel with a female character named Amoris is going to be exactly the same as all the other dumb-ass cookie-cutter clone YA novels that have gone before it into blessed oblivion. Yawn.
Darker Ages The Complete Series by Aron Lewes
If you can publish "the complete series" as one book, why is it a series in the first place? "Alice, a girl with quadriplegia, lives out an alternate existence in a virtual world, where she’s known as Princess Arienne. There, she finds herself betrothed to an infuriating prince, abducted by a devilishly charming pirate, and more." More what? More YA love triangle garbage whereby a girl is useless unless she has a guy to rescue her? Way to diss a quadriplegic woman. Barf.
Beginner’s Luck by Kate Clayborn
Clay born? Doesn't that make this author wonder Woman?! "When risk-averse scientist Kit wins the lottery, her only plan is to buy a fixer-upper. But she’s about to deal with unexpected changes — and may lose her heart in the process." Despite the loss of that heart, her body continues to function. She's not called 'First Aid Kit" for nothing. As a zombie, she's able to go on to live a full life, proving that it really does just take brains. Barf.
Henrietta Who? by Catherine Aird
"After Henrietta’s mother is found dead on the road in a sleepy English village, an autopsy delivers shocking news: Mrs Jenkins never had children — and her death may not have been an accident… Can Inspector CD Sloan crack the case?" My guess is no, because he's a necrophiliac who becomes so obsessed with Herietta's mother's corpse that he can't focus on his work anymore, but the two do live happily every after once her body has been been stuffed properly.... Seriously what kind of a dumbass question is that? Does the book blurb writer really think readers are so irremediably stupid?
Cut and Run by Matt Hilton
"In this high-octane read, former special forces operative Joe Hunter," the Special forces operative is called Hunter? Really? Yawn. Yet another in a tediously long line of "I wanted out, but they keep pulling me back in" stories. These have been done to death and they're as boring as watching shit dry.
Daughters of the Moon by Susan Sallis
A title like this is a definite warning sign although I woulsn't automatically write off a novel for a title like this one. "Born in Plymouth during World War II, identical twins Miranda and Meg grow up inseparable - but when Meg moves to Cornwall, they're drawn down different paths... Can they find their way back to each other, or has their bond been broken for good?" And who gives a shit, really?
The Drafter by Kim Harrison aka Dawn Cook
"Peri Reed is a government agent with the ability to alter time - and now she's on the run" Why - when she can alter time? Sounds like another dumb-ass series from this book description. A big yawn from yet another author publishing under a fake name.
Not So Fake by Emma Lyon
"When Lane hires Zach to pose as his boyfriend at a wedding, their powerful attraction takes them both by surprise." But surprises no readers who have seen this exact same story ten quintillion times already. Yawn. "As their phony romance heats up, can they find the courage to take a chance on true love?" Is that a serious question or do you just think your readers are idiots? Once again a moronic plot insists on conflating sex with love. These are the dumbest, lowest common denomiator kinds of stories you can write. Or maybe you can't write and that's why you do these?
Saturday, September 18, 2021
The Dixon Brothers Trilogy by Anna Durand
"An anonymous one-night stand, an accidental roommate, and a pretend relationship take unexpected turns as American girls get seduced by sexy Brits! Meet the Dixon brothers in this collection of steamy erotic romances" Why not just call them the Dick Brothers, then the title of the novel could be "The Swinging Dicks" Be sure to pack extra antibiotics for this one since it's undoubtedly pretty much The McTaggert Brothers with a search and replace done on character names. Barf.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)