That's the best title you got? 'Wind Chime Café'? Really? "To fulfill a longtime dream, single mother Annie purchases a café on a quiet Chesapeake Bay island." Why? Why wouldn't she purchase one on a busy island so the café wouldn' go under financially? "But her plans are soon complicated by an unexpected romance" No, they're not. Everyone who hates this novel expected this romance. Everyone. Barf. Tired and retreaded. Nothing new here. Just sand blown in your ass. Moss grows fast on a rolling dune.
Sunday, October 3, 2021
Silence Fallen by Patricia Briggs
"Separated from her pack, shapeshifter Mercy is alone" No really? She needs to kick this one pack a day habit before it kills her. "...and faced with the challenge of preventing an epic battle between werewolves and vampires." Why? Who cares if these fuckers, who are literally at each other's throats, wipe themselves out? Nobody cares! This shtick is done to death already. Find something new for dog's sake! Barf.
Out on the Ice by Kelly Farmer
"Retired hockey legend Caro is devoted to her all-girls hockey camp - but she can’t seem to ignore her vivacious new employee! Rising star Amy is only in Chicago for the summer… Will a temporary fling be enough?" Or will there be a scandal because this inappropriate dipshit is messing with an employee? I see they got a Megan Rapinoe look-alike for the book cover. Really? Barf.
The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee
"Privileged young lord Monty finds scandal and unexpected love as he adventures across Europe with his best friend, Percy." Of course he does, because Percy is the nickname he's given to his penis, as in 'point Percy at the porcelain'. The 1971 film Percy starring Hywell Bennet, Britt Ekland, Denholm Elliot, and Elke Sommer, was based on the eponymous 1969 novel written by an author with the entirely appropriate name of Raymond Hitchcock.
Escape to Honeysuckle Hall by Rebecca Raisin
"After being unceremoniously dumped, Orly starts over at idyllic Honeysuckle Hall. As friendship with handsome carpenter Leo blossoms...." Of course it does because we've seen this same cookie-cutter clone story published a dozen squared times. Yawn.
Saturday, October 2, 2021
Mister B Gone by Clive Barker
Stephen King called Clive Barker "the future of the horror genre" and we all know how that panned out. That ought to tell you all you need to know about both of these authors. In this ridiculous tome, "Bloodthirsty demon Jakabok has traveled from the depths of hell to grab hold of your imagination." Seriously, thats the best you got? A tired and cookie-cutter demon story with a dumb-ass name? I liked, I think, one of Barker's books and that's all. This one just sounds dumb.
The Seaside Cocktail Campervan by Caroline Roberts
And this is being offered right when the story of Gabby Petito is all over the front pages? OK. "Start with a seaside setting, add an ambitious chef, and toss in a delightful dachshund sidekick for the perfect feel-good romance! While pursuing her dream of starting a pizza oven on wheels, Lucy meets Jack...." That's it for me. No more Jack-offs in books. The most over-used name in literary history just got used one more time. Way to go. Barf.
MindReacher by Irene Baron
"Government agencies fail to find terrorists threatening the United States with nuclear weapons. To remedy that, the new President forms a highly classified operation with an Executive Order...Not wanting to be identified, every terrorist cell places Masterson and Coulter on their hit list." One question: If this is a highly classified oiperaiton, how come terorrists world-wide know every fuckign detail abotu it? Barf. "Readers will find it difficult to distinguish fact from fiction...." I seriously doubt that, given that psychics have consistently been demonstrated to be frauds and fakers!
Merciless Games by Tikiri Herath
"A thrilling recent release" we're told, but nowhere near an original one. "At a retreat on the Oregon coast, seven strangers gather. One of them is private investigator Asha Kade, who doesn’t even know who hired her. But when guests are picked off one by one, she’ll have to figure out how they’re all connected...." Been there, done that a score of times. Nothing to read here. Move along.
The Anatomist’s Wife by Anna Lee Huber
Yet another novel from a female author that diminishes her female character right from the off by describing her in the title as an appendage of some guy. Way to go. Here's the plot, so-called: "When a guest is murdered at her sister’s party, Lady Darby realizes that her macabre past makes her uniquely suited to solve the case" Yes. Now the truth can be told. Lady Darby is really Jackie the Ripper....
True Believer by Jack Carr
"After a series of coordinated terrorist attacks, Navy SEAL veteran James Reece embarks on a globe-spanning quest to stop a ruthless enemy and a far-reaching conspiracy," Because only an American can fix the world's problems. Yeah. Been there, done that for four years and look where it got us. This novel should be retitled "True Arrogance."
The Unwelcome Guest by Amanda Robson
"Everything is perfect between Saffron and her husband, Miles — until his mom, Caprice, moves into their home." Seriously? Saffron, and Caprice? Barf. I'm not wild about Saffron. Put Miles between you and this one.
Cowboy Bikers MC Books 1–4 by Esther E Schmidt
This has to be a parody, right? "Tired of having to choose between rugged cowboys and sexy bikers?" Never been a problem. I reject both in my fiction choices. Do rugged, sexy, biker-cowboys herd electric sheep? Barf.
These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong
"In 1920s Shanghai, Juliette must join forces with Roma, her first love and sworn enemy," Seriously? This is supposedly a retelling of Romea and Juliette, but why set it in Shanghai if you're going to use the same names? What are these two - American ex-pats? Why not? Because ancestors forbid we should actually have an original story or one without AAmericans in it! Yawn. And it has a sequel? Barf!
Irish Parade Murder by Leslie Meier
"Just as Tinker’s Cove prepares to kick off its annual St Patrick’s Day parade, reporter Lucy’s coworker is charged with a murder he didn’t commit. Will the luck of the Irish help her solve the crime and clear Rob’s name?" What a delightfully condescending piece of work this is to be sure and begorrah, complete with a leprechaun on the cover. Seriously? This from an American author who's apparently been to Boston, and so feels eminently qualified. Barf.
Friday, October 1, 2021
The Foundation by Steve P Vincent
"Journalist Jack Emery must expose a shadowy organization before it triggers the next world war." Automatic rejection of novels employing the most over-used 'male action character' name ever: 'Jack'. Get an imagination for goodness sake! Barf. And the plot sucks, BTW.
Dirty Rich Cinderella Story by Lisa Renee Jones
This author is evidently glued to the 'Dirty Rich' prefix for her titles. "Lori begins a new job only to find that her boss, Cole, is the man she went home with months ago for the hottest experience of her life. And this time, he wants more than one night with her..." Yep. He wants to know the name of the obscure sexual disease she gave him so he can seek treatment for it.... Barf. How many times has the name 'Cole' been used as the male half of one of these 'red-hot night of passion' stories? Far too many, that's for sure. The authors who write these have to be among the most tediously unimaginative ever.
Twice Baked by Andrew Grey
"When blogger Luke Walker is tapped to judge a cooking competition with his polar opposite ex, chef Meyer Thibodeaux, will it be a recipe for romance... or will they get burned a second time around?" 'Twice Baked' is entirely the wrong title for this - it ought to be called 'Half Baked' but I admit it's a grey area.
21 Immortals by Rozlan Mohd Noor
"After the discovery of a chilling tableau - an entire family murdered, then posed around their dinner table..." Wasn't this already done in European TV series on Netflix? Yawn.
Forging Fire by Lisa Preston
Since forging means the act of purposely creating a fake with intent to deceive, what's with the fake fire? Just kidding. It is a dumb title though. "When horseshoer Rainy Dale and her dog, Charlie, head to the Black Bluff bull sale, they find unexpected danger" I imagine she would if she's trying to put horseshoes on a bull! What a maroon! That's her job? Really? "horseshoer?"
A Murderous Relation by Deanna Raybourn
I read the original novel in this series several years back - or tried to - and it was a joke, so I'm not surprised to see the author continuing in that vein. "In 1888 London, sleuths...." Stop right there! That's me out when the word 'sleuth' appears in a book blurb. That tells me all I need to know. Veronica Speedwell and Stoker investigate the connection between a royal scandal and Jack the Ripper." Done to death in fiction and debunked in reality, what's the point? From my initial experience woth this author, I can tell you that there's nothing original in these stories if the first one was any guide. They're clichéd and trope-laden, and offer nothing imaginative, or entertaining.
ShadowCast by VP Morris
On the other hand, this title is tediously pretentious. "Investigative journalist Dakota is still haunted by the disappearance of her best friend, Maddy, 10 years ago. Determined to find the truth, she starts a podcast..." Another troubled detective story! Why'd she wait ten years? Guess she didn't care that much, huh? Yawn.
Tools of Engagement by Tessa Bailey
Okay, so I'll give the author the title; it is mildly amusing, but read on: "To win a home renovation contest, straitlaced Bethany must team up with frustratingly handsome Wes." Why? Why must she team up with him? And hasn't the 'frustratingly-' or 'irritatingly-' or 'infuriatingly-' handsome shtick been done to death? Evidently not for this frustratingly, irritatingly, infuriatingly uninventive and unimaginative book blurb writer. Yawn.
The Island Daughter by Helena Halme
Another cookie-cutter clone story: "After a devastating tragedy, Alicia returns to her island home to take care of her mother. There, she finds herself torn between duty and happiness - and unearths long-buried family secrets that upend her world." If I had a dime for every fictional woman who flees back to her hometown and uncovers a shocking secret I'd be richer than Jeff Bezos, may God rend his soul. And what's with the title? It turns the woman into a possession or appendage of someone else rather than her being her own person.
Into the Black Nowhere by Meg Gardiner
"A terrifying and brilliant read. I could not put this down" (Don Winslow) - that's because the publisher put superglue on the cover, Don. "FBI profiler Caitlin Hendrix tracks a serial killer who is brutally murdering women in southern Texas" Not gonna happen. Pretty much anyone can own a gun and carry it around brazenly in Texas these days. Serial killers have no chance. But you gotta love those who brutally murder. I gotta tell you: those considerate murderers aren't worth shit.
Lightwave: The Folding Space Series Books 1-3 by AM Scott
"Fleeing a bounty hunter, Saree sneaks aboard a ship, only to find herself surrounded by dangerous mercenaries" as opposed to those marshmallow mercenaries that no one worries a bit about. Yawn.
Travel Can Be Murder Cozy Mysteries Books 1-3 b Jennifer S Alderson
"While traveling around the world, tour guide Lana lands in the middle of deadly mysteries. From a killer on the loose in Budapest to a client who gets snuffed out in Paris, can Lana solve the cases before she's the next to depart" Who gives a fuck, really? And WTF is "Lana" doing interfering in this shit anyway? It's none of her meddling business. This truly is a case of someone needing to stay in their own lane. What an interfering asshole!
Coming Up for Air by Amanda Meuwissen
"Leigh Hurley was marked for death - until a sexy merman's kiss saved him from a watery grave. But when the sea-dwelling Tolomeo turns up naked at Leigh's apartment, the star-crossed pair will have until the next full moon to pledge their love... or risk losing each other forever." Like I care. I predict Leigh's gonna choke on a fish-boner if he doesn't get grunionorrhea... The real giveaway here is the way-the-fuck over-used term 'star crossed'. That's a big red warning sign in any book blurb. Just say notothen. It's too fishy.
Land of Shadows by Rachel Howzell Hall
"Detective Elouise Norton's sister disappeared 30 years ago." Oh look, yet another in an immensely long line of troubled detectives. Yawn. So she disappeared three decades ago and this dipshit is just now bothering to look into it? If she doesn't really care, why should I? Yawn.
A Racing Murder by Frances Evesham
"When a jockey is killed after a competitive horse race, retired police officer Adam Hennessy seeks to clear a disgruntled rider's name." Oh look - another retiree coming back into the fray, because that has only been done a bazillion times already. Yawn.
Playing for the Ashes by Elizabeth George
This is a defintie three strikes for this author. "DI Thomas Lynley and DS Barbara Havers uncover haunting secrets as they investigate a cricket star's shocking death." He should never have played with an aluminum bat in a thunderstorm, that's for sure...and aren't all deaths shocking in one way or another? Yawn.
Harvest by Tess Gerritsen
The Kirkus circus boasts that "The pages turn themselves"! LOL! That means this is a definite no. "When a dying patient receives a suspicious organ transplant," What's suspicious? The organ or the transplant? Dr Abby DiMatteo begins asking questions - and uncovers shocking answers." That's right! She discovers that the patient got an electric organ, and it's not properly grounded! Yawn. It's enough to make a key bored. No wonder Gerritsen is recommending other authors' books. Her own aren't worth reading, evidently.
Moonflower Murders by Anthony Horowitz
"When a hotelier's beautiful daughter disappears," Why is it relevant that she was 'beautiful'? If she had looked jsu tlike any average person, would her disappearance not have been not such a bad thing? We need to start puking on the shoes of all book blurb writers, publishers, and authors who countenace this abusive, insulting, and genderist shit. "...retired editor Susan Ryeland travels to a coastal resort to investigate." Yet another retiree coming out of the woodwork into the fray. I'm really curious how many times we're going to be hit over the head with this sorry trope/tripe? Barf!
The Boat Man by Dustin Stevens
"After the traumatic death of his partner, police detective Reed Mattox transfers to the K-9 division and begins a quiet new life in the countryside." Where he meets the dog of his life and gthey lvie happily ever after. And again with the 'retiree' being called back into the fray. And again with the Disney pet. Yawn.
The Iron Raven by Julie Kagawa
"When a powerful monster targets the Nevernever, it's up to notoriously clever fey Puck" Another writer too chickenshit to call 'em fairies! And Puck? Seriously? That's the best name you got? Do not seek any originality in this story.
Speak No Evil by Tanya Anne Crosby
"The Aldridge sisters are forced to live together in order to receive their late mother's inheritance - but danger soon descends on their old home." I care! Yet another tedious story in the genre of sisters or old friends getting together and an unnaturally happy ending. Yawn.
A Proposal to Die For by Vivian Conroy
"Lady Alkmene Callender is bored with London - until the suspicious death of a wealthy visitor!" So it takes murder to excite her. Got it. "Can Lady Alkmene and journalist Jake Dubois crack the case?" And it's their job why? But honestly, who cares if they can crack it or not?
Duskfall by Christopher Husberg
"When Knot is pulled half dead from the sea, he has no memory of his past." Those wet knots are really hard to undo. "As his elven wife, Winter, searches for him, can she learn to harness her own power?" Do we really care when the author tries to create an 'elven' world' but uses regular English words with a 'fey' twist and thinks they're somehow magical? I sure don't. And what the fuck does that title mean? Dusk...fall? Or was it disk fail and the words got scrambled?
Winter in Madrid by CJ Sansom
"After the Spanish Civil War, Harry Brett, a Dunkirk veteran turned British spy, finds himself entangled in a web of danger and intrigue." Okay someone is going to have to unpack this one for me. Since Dunkirk (1940) was after the Spanish civil war (1936-9), then why begin the description with 'after the Spanish Civil war? Does the author not know the one preceded the other? Or is it jsut that the book blurb writer is a moron? I'm confused, so a hard pass on this one.
Epic Fallacy Box Set: Books 1-3 by Michael James Ploof
"Though Murland dreams of being a great wizard, he's the joke of his wizarding school. His luck seems to change when he's chosen as a Champion of the Dragon, but the prophecy isn't what anyone expected." So, Harry Potter rip-off. O-kay. Yawn.
The Paris Wedding by Charlotte Nash
Booklist apparently claims this is: "Perfect for those seeking a romantic read with some bite" nit no. It;s perfect fpr readers who like an asshole for a main charcter. "Rachael is overjoyed when she’s offered a free trip to Paris. The only catch? She’ll have to attend her ex-boyfriend’s wedding while there." And so she goes like a little wind-up robot. Barf.
Keturah and Lord Death by Martine Leavitt
"When 16-year-old Keturah charms Lord Death with a love story, he grants her one day to find her own true love." At sixteen? So a retelling of 1001 nights. Yawn.
Monticello by Sally Cabot Gunning
"After five years abroad in France, Thomas Jefferson's eldest daughter, Martha, returns home to find herself troubled" but she mounts a cello, they make beautiful music together, and all is well - that is until she discovers the fact that the cello is just stringing her along...! Barf. We sure do need yet another ancestor-worship story about TJ and his clan don't we? Especially a whitewashing story about a woman who owned slaves, sold slaves, ill-treated slaves and tried to whitewash her father's indiscretions with slaves. This author should be ashamed of her own whitewashing, but somehow, when the author has that sort of a name, I'm really not surprised by her writing.
A Lady's Guide to Gossip and Murder by Dianne Freeman
All this authorls tiutles appear to be int he tedious format of "A Lady's Guide to _____ and Murder." Yawn. And they all appear to be as bad as each other: "While the rest of the ton retreats to the country, American-born Frances Wynn, the widowed Countess of Harleigh, decides to stay behind in London for some well-deserved quietude." Because heavens forbid we should ever have a story set in another country and have no Americans involved! involved. Barf. And everyone knows how much quieter it is in the crowded stinking city than in the pristine isolation of the countryside. "But when her friend is murdered, can Frances find the killer before it's too late?" Too late for what? To still find the killer? To buy a new dress? To be spoiled rotten? To be stay rich? Barf.
Divine Descendants: The Complete Series by Alicia Rades
After half-reading the execrably bad "Fire in Frost" by this author, and resenting the time I wasted on it, I was not suprrised by how mind-numbingly bad this plot is. "...angel Cora is attending the school of her dreams: a secret academy for supernatural beings. But in order to amplify her magic, she needs to combine forces with a demon - and she can't deny the power (and attraction) she feels when she's with Kellan" Seriously? This tired, retreaded, and threadbare plot is the best you got? Angel meets bad boy? Barf. And why, exactly, do these supernatural creatures have to attend school? This is the most ridiculous thing: it's essentially your retreaded tired high-school story, but with supernatural creatures, who behave exactly like human kids. Fuck. This. Tired. Shit.
Home Again by Kristin Hannah
"Cardiologist and single mother Madelaine hasn’t seen her daughter’s movie-star father in years — but when tragedy reunites them, can she face their difficult past?" Who gives a shit? And what the fuck does that cover - of two pairs of legs in shortened pants, standing on a beach - have to do with this story? The answer, in case you were wodnering, is fuckall. The whole thing is a disaster.
Friendly Fire by John Gilstrap
Tess Gerritsen (who I ahve heard of) claims this auhtor is "one of the finest thriller writers on the planet" which probably acocunts for why no one had heard of him Here we go: "Rescue expert Jonathan Grave...." Stop right there. This name is right up there alongside 'Stone', 'Steele', 'Cage', and what's that other one? Oh yes, 'Pierce' as a hard-bitten name. The fact that this is author Jeffery Deaver "favorite tough-guy hero" shoudl ell you all you need to know.
If I Disappear by Eliza Jane Brazier
Talking of dumb-ass titles, this one's a doozy. "When a beloved podcast host who tells stories of missing women disappears herself, loyal listener Sera Fleece investigates...." Sera? Fleece? Okay. Because some random listener is all over this while the police are, as per usual, worthless. Barf. And that title? Tediously pretentious.
After He Died by Michael J Malone
That Ian Rankin thinks this is "Vivid, visceral, and compulsive" tells me all I need to know about him, because this plot has been done to death already. "After 30 years of marriage, grief-stricken Paula Gadd is slipped a note at her husband’s funeral. What does its unsettling message mean — and how well did she really know her husband?" Another story about another dumb woman whose husband had a deep, dark, and dirty secret. Gads how many dumb-ass women are there out there? Because this happens all the time. In fiction. Yawn. And that title? barf.
Thursday, September 30, 2021
Beowulf by Andrew BF Carnabuci
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This is a new translation of Beowulf - arguably the most translated Old English work out there. Dating - possibly - to around 1000AD, the time of Ethelred the Unreedy, and Cnut, this was ancient even in Shakespeare's time, and it tells a poetic (in what served for poetry at the time - not like modern stuff) tale of Beowulf (whose name gave the untitled work a title) and his three great battles against Grendel, Grendel's mom, and against the dragon.
It's really the story of a curse brought upon warriors for their philandering, because it turns out that Grendel is the child of King Hrothgar, and the dragon is the child of Beowulf himself, both of them the offpsring of their dalliance with Grendel's mom, whose real name is Lulabelle. Just kidding. She goes unnamed. In fact, as a female, she's lucky to get a mention since this is all about manly men, sterling feats, and lusty living.
You may be familiar with the story from that execrable 2007 CGI movie starring Angelina Jolie, Robin Wright-Penn, Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, and a gratuitus John Malkovich, which while loosely following the story, was so wrong on so many levels. Grendel's mom wears high heels? Really? I know it's a macho tale of not backing down, but literally nobody blinks? Really?
The real story does often meander away from the main action into tales of Beowulf's achievements, but this is how it was back then, a sort of merrily plodding, repetitive, alliterative story-telling which got there eventually by hitting all the career high-spots of this legendary man's man and his cadre of steely warriors. It also uses the phrase, 'lord of the rings'! I guess that's where Tolkien got it from.
The only issue I had with this was that the embedded links from the text to the glossary/reference section were a bit flaky in that if they were close to the edge of the screen a reader risked swiping the screen to the next or the previous one when tapping on the link, rather than going to the actual reference. The reference section and bibliography is extensive though, running to 25 screens on my iPad.
Also, I read my books on a black screen with white text to save on battery power and the dark-blue reference numbers were hard to read against the black screen. This wouldn't have mattered except that the reference you jump to is part of a list of them; it's not to a single reference, so I couldn't tell for sure which particular reference in the list I had jumped to, and therefore couldn't be sure, when I tapped back, that I'd end up exactly where I left! That made for a fun read. The content list was likewise hard to read for the same reason - and it had, as usual, the listed items too close together to tap confidently to jump to a particular chapter. Double spacing between lines would have helped considerably.
That aside though, I liked this translation and I commend it for anyone interested in this ancient tale, for all are punishéd, and never was a story of more dolor than this of Grendel and his Modor....
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